So I have to ask... does this ever really work?

[Think About It...]

I have read so much about BPD and about how even with changes, BPD relationships never really work well.  I am mostly gone.  I don't have a marriage or kids to worry about, and I know many people choose to stay because of that.  Since I have no issues other than the relationship itself--I have to know, do these ever become good, fulfilling relationships as opposed to "I can live with this"? 

[Changed4safety]

I have read so much about BPD and about how even with changes, BPD relationships never really work well.  I am mostly gone.  I don't have a marriage or kids to worry about, and I know many people choose to stay because of that.  Since I have no issues other than the relationship itself--I have to know, do these ever become good, fulfilling relationships as opposed to "I can live with this"? 

[real lady]

Hi Pooses:
I really understand your question. I am not in the same position though now with my BPDh...I was married to an OCPD/NPD and I DID come to the place of realizing that I WAS NOT willing to live with it the rest of my life. He made NO attempt to get counseling and continually DENIED all of my experiences, discounted my feelings and demeaned me anyway he could to "control me"...in that case, I KNEW that I was not only "not wrong" in leaving but I WAS RIGHT to leave and needed to do it. I did give him 6months before I moved out (with many attempts to "connect" with him and offer counseling, etc; he took NONE) and then after I moved out; it was 9 months when he "showed his true colors" once and for all if I had never seen them before. I gave him the "ultimatum" and had witnesses that verified that I "tried my best" but he was mentally ill, unloving and abusive. Even my BPDh gives me a life to enjoy with him; though his meltdowns or times of dysregulation have been frequent and I was ill prepared; they are becoming much less and I am dealing with it MUCH better. Our LIFE together is even better. Good luck to you hon.

[united for now]

That depends on a lot of factors 

In my 5 years here, I worked with couples that have improved their relationship. I've also seen some who decided they couldn't do it anymore and leave.

There are no guarantees in this, except that the skills and tools we work on here are going help improve "you". Sometimes this is enough to stop the downward spiral and rebuild. Other times the damage has been too extensive and the pwBPD sabotages all efforts and the relationship ends.

My relationship has grown closer and much more stable since I began to focus on the changes "I" could make. I've seen less dysfunction and felt more love towards him since I stopped seeing him as the source of all the problems and blaming him or  myself.

Radical acceptance means letting go of the unrealistic dreams of what could be and working with what I had. None of us are perfect. And I know he has to wake up looking at my faults and flaws too. I'm no prize, that's for sure 


If we don't work on our side of the street, nothing is gonna change.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Pookses

It think that United for Now hits the nail on the head.  We need to change the way that we handle communication with our BPD partner, and we are really acting as a full-time care giver. 

If the person with BPD commits to therapy longterm, and because they want to, not just because someone else told them to, then progress can be made.  It has to be a whole lot better if they do this, and we work on ourselves as partners, as we then have twice the chance of success!

My ex ended the relationship when I insisted on him being in therapy if he wanted us to stay together.  That was fine by me, as without his commitment to want to change, I knew the relationship wasn't for me.  Without his contribution, I was never going to get the type of relationship I wanted.

It's really down to the individual, whether or not they can accept the relationship as it is and be the one to change themselves in order to stay in the relationship.
For me, I wanted an equal to share my life with.  I wanted to be supported, as well as to be supportive.  I needed stability because of my own ill health, and he was making it much, much worse.  I was not prepared to spend my life being abused, and never knowing what emotion or behaviour was coming next.   I felt as though I had a stroppy teenage boy, not a lover or soulmate.  Altering myself and my ways of communicating with him, was totally exhausting.  I couldn't spend my life constantly having to think about how I communicated simple thoughts or emotions with him.  I needed an awful lot more from a relationship than he was capable of giving, or was even willing to work towards giving.    I felt as thought I was my ex's mother, therapist, logic and reason!  I therefore came to the conclusion that it was okay to be selfish, when it came to deciding the rest of my life and my health. 

I suppose what I am saying, is that there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to these relationships.  What works for one person, doesn't for another, and every person with BPD is different, and their non-BPD partners are also all different, and handle things in different ways.

It's important to do what YOU want to do.  Remove the guilt and pressure from yourself, and from what you think other people think you should do.  If you want to try the coping techniques and see how things go, then that is your call, and likewise, if you want to walk away, nobody here would judge you, for doing what you need to do.

JP
x

[CodependentHusband]

I have read so much about BPD and about how even with changes, BPD relationships never really work well.  I am mostly gone.  I don't have a marriage or kids to worry about, and I know many people choose to stay because of that.  Since I have no issues other than the relationship itself--I have to know, do these ever become good, fulfilling relationships as opposed to "I can live with this"?  

Not to turn your question around into something else, but how can you ever know if it would be worth it or not if you don't give it your absolute best shot? It's a matter of choice, I think. For me, I love my wife and she happens to be sick. By the same token, I fully understand that, BPD aside, not everyone is like me, and not everyone is like my wife.

[needbpdhelp]

Since I have no issues other than the relationship itself--I have to know, do these ever become good, fulfilling relationships as opposed to "I can live with this"?  

Many of these relationships improve and become very fulfilling - lots of work and change for both people, and no guarantees, but well worth the effort if  love and desire to make things work exist. This site has all the tools you will need, so as CH says give it your best shot.

needBPDhelp

[megocean]

Hi Pookses,

I can see you got a lot of wise replies to your question.

To me, one has to start with figuring out if there is enough in the person and relationship to make you want to work on trying to make it better. In my case, my bf w/BPD has many completely lovable and wonderful qualities, so it is worth it for me to see what I can do to improve the rough times.

[CodependentHusband]

I feel I may have dodged the question a bit, but it wasn't really my intention. I can guarantee you that my marriage has improved a lot. She makes me happier than anyone else in the world on her best days. She makes me feel needed when she's having a bad day, even if she doesn't admit it. She's got a heart and the ability to have a great deal of empathy when she's not dysregulated. And I love her every day, even when she behaves in ways that aren't particularly loving towards me. Am I a saint or a fool? I think neither. I'm just a guy who loves his wife and wants her to be happy every day. The lessons I have learned here have definitely helped me with that.

You know, one thing I think goes on that is sort of the nature of a forum like this... People tend to come here with their problems only... And, don't get me wrong, that's what it's for, and you can get great advice here... The thing is, you don't tend to get much of the good news. Personally, I think I'm going to start sharing more of those experiences, just to more accurately describe my relationship with my wife to you all. Is it a challenge? Yes, but, honestly, I think every marriage has its own challenges.

[LoveNotWar]

Pookses, I think my BPDh and I were in a place that couldn't have been much worse. He was raging for weeks, was physically abusive, I was a mess, constantly trying to "fix" things, trying to explain, defend myself and "reason" with him and putting up with the abuse. I did not know about BPD.

Then he was hospitilized on a mental health hold and diagnosed BPD. I made an appointment w/aT, moved into a hotel then got an apartment. When I told him I was moving into an apartment he broke my arm.

And after that he got help. He's in therapy and doing MUCH better. I am also seeing a T and learning how to use the tools on this site. First I had to learn about boundaries, I learned not to argue or defend, I am using validation successfully and when he rages or becomes rude I leave. I call it a break and I am being very consistent. I am not tolerating verbal abuse. When I start feeling tense I say this is getting too tense for me, I need a break. Then I'm outta there. I'm kind and speak softly when I take a break. I pay attention to my own feelings and choose to leave before I become angry or hurt.

I don't focus on his behavior. It's more about what I choose to do and how I handle myself.

All these things help and using the tools is starting to become second nature. In fact I was dealing with a very angry person at work recently, I used the tools automatically and it was amazing how quickly she de-escalated.

I have hope for our r/s. He will always be a pwBPD and I accept that. As long as he keeps trying and I keep using the tools I think we will make a good life together. We are compatible, enjoy many activities together and I care about him very much.

However if we weren't married I would not have chosen to stay, no doubt in my mind, and if he hadn't gotten help I wouldn't be with him either. My staying is predicated on both of us working to make things better.

[CodependentHusband]

LoveNotWar,
    Good points! In my case, my wife was diagnosed in November, and while she initially embraced her dx and got some help for a while, she has since slipped back into denial. Through working on myself, I just happened to see my part in the dysfunction, as many if us here do. This alone can be enough to turn things around even with a relationship with an untreated pwBPD. Is it perfect? Is it normal? Those are all relative terms. It's fairly stable though, and I think that is perhaps most important.

[Auspicious]

Every relationship is a partnership between two imperfect people Some last, and some don't.

Comparing mine to some idealized picture of what it "should be" doesn't seem to help me. Looking for ways that I can improve it and/or improve my life in general, does seem to help me.

[real lady]

First I had to learn about boundaries, I learned not to argue or defend, I am using validation successfully and when he rages or becomes rude I leave. I'm kind and speak softly when I take a break. I pay attention to my own feelings and choose to leave before I become angry or hurt.

So VERY true; paying attention to our OWN feelings is one that I felt a little resentful about at first; "why should I have to" walk on eggshells, etc...BUT when I realized how much he was in pain and hurting over the depth of his dyregulated emotion; I found deep compassion and concern for him; enough to help me WANT to change what I can to make his life and our life together better. 

I don't focus on his behavior. It's more about what I choose to do and how I handle myself.

I have learned this too. It really is ALL about how I see myself and am willing to ADJUST what I can to show love to him. It has been SEVERAL days now since any dyregulation; I was able to diffuse probably two daily and he seems to "be trying" to hold himself back from speaking or acting out quite so much; I think that in MY adaption of my behavior he is **hopefully** seeing that he has "these feelings" separate and out of my (and HIS) control.

I have hope for our r/s. He will always be a pwBPD and I accept that. As long as he keeps trying and I keep using the tools I think we will make a good life together. We are compatible, enjoy many activities together and I care about him very much.

I feel exactly the same way; we have a GREAT life together but when he dysregulates, I have panicked and not helped it much in the past; I am learning HOW through this site...  

[Steph]

I have read so much about BPD and about how even with changes, BPD relationships never really work well.  I am mostly gone.  I don't have a marriage or kids to worry about, and I know many people choose to stay because of that.  Since I have no issues other than the relationship itself--I have to know, do these ever become good, fulfilling relationships as opposed to "I can live with this"?  

Not to turn your question around into something else, but how can you ever know if it would be worth it or not if you don't give it your absolute best shot? It's a matter of choice, I think. For me, I love my wife and she happens to be sick. By the same token, I fully understand that, BPD aside, not everyone is like me, and not everyone is like my wife.

 Exactly.

I have a complete success story, in that my H went into therapy( for 3+ years), I went into therapy and years later, we are healthy and well. He has NO BPD symptoms.

As UFN points out, there is much you can do, that changes you, works on you and this can make a big difference.

What is going on right now that brings you here?

Steph

[Marvin Martian]

Pookses, I have been on this site a while, and have never seen a subject covered so well. My only thought at this point is not only to read, but to reread over & over the post. In my view they are that good.

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