Intimacy Difficulties

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!

I just had lunch with my wife who has BPD.  I was eating the fruit when she asked why I was eating my dessert first.  I calmly said that I don't consider fruit my dessert and that I know how I like to eat.  She promptly and huffily got up from the table with her lunch and moved to the counter.  There is just no way to approach this woman without her taking some kind of offense.  My patience and tolerance are pretty well gone and I'm not sure I'm capable of giving her the right kind interaction she needs.

[sswriters]

Hello!

I just had lunch with my wife who has BPD.  I was eating the fruit when she asked why I was eating my dessert first.  I calmly said that I don't consider fruit my dessert and that I know how I like to eat.  She promptly and huffily got up from the table with her lunch and moved to the counter.  There is just no way to approach this woman without her taking some kind of offense.  My patience and tolerance are pretty well gone and I'm not sure I'm capable of giving her the right kind interaction she needs.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ellil]

 

Hi sswriters, I'm sorry for you today--there's no way to predict something like that... .talk about out of left field.

How long have you been married? Is your wife diagnosed?

You have found a knowledgeable and supportive community here. I'd like to encourage you to visit and post on the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. Here you will find folks in situations similar to yours.

If you post a bit more about your situation, you may receive further input for links that are more specific and helpful to you.

Again, welcome and we look forward to your posts.

 

M

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Sswriters

Welcome to the site  

I am so pleased that you have found your way here.  Having a loved one with BPD is so hard, and everyone can do with some support and understanding.

As Ellil mentioned, you can post on our staying board, where you can get understanding and advice from senior members of the site, and other people who understand what you are going through.  There is also a wide range of information on coping methods, to help ease things within your relationship, such as the information to the right of that board.  :)o start posting over there, and reading the posts of others.

You are not alone, and I am sure you will be glad to have found us  

Best wishes,

JP

x

[beyondbelief]

Welcome and thank you for making your first post.  It must be quite frustrating when the littlest thing turns into an argument.  Many member come here thinking they have tried everything and nothing seems to work.  Often they discover a lot of things that can really make things better.  

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on [L4] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.

We have hundreds of other resources such as lessons, workshops, articles and much much more to help you.  Often what works best is to just start posting and people who have similar experiences will offer some suggestions to help right away.  Then start exploring the other resources.  So please give it a try.

I sincerely wish only the best for you and your wife and look forward to reading more from you.

[Robhart]

 

It can be very difficult communicating with someone with BPD.

At times they view things through a very distorted image.

There are certain communication skills that can be learned to help guide you.

This article may be of help

Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship [NEW]

You may be getting  an overload of new info but I would also suggest you look at this link for a book that may also help

The High Conflict Couple

There is loads more of info and support here to help guide you .

Welcome again

[sswriters]

My wife and I have been married 11 years and it was just a few years ago that she was diagnosed as BPD.  After 8-1/2 years she left me but before then, it had started getting difficult to be aroused by her or intimate with her.  She finally found the right therapist and was under her treatment for 2 years and eventually good progress was made.  While she was gone, I unfortunately became emotionally attached to a woman 10 years older than I.  We set boundaries and limits on the friendship so that it didn't get sexual but I didn't totally end it when my wife and I reconciled.  Naturally, she was quite hurt that I hadn't ended the friendship but I just couldn't immediately and completely let go of the other woman's respect.  It had been a refuge and source of strength.   

Anyway, we moved to a different state and were getting passed all this but other things cropped up and my wife digressed back into the BPD behavior.  Not as bad as she had been but bad enough that it feels almost like all the original hell all over again.  Now, it's extremely hard for me to get aroused by her.  I don't look at porn (haven't for several years) and I've also almost entirely stopped looking at simple, non-erotic nude photography.  I have had absolutely no contact with the woman with whom I was emotionally involved. 

Since my wife knows and admits that she's digressed, she is moving back to where she lived before so she can resume therapy under her previous counselor.  As for myself, I'm trying to figure out the source of my lack of sexual ability for her.  Is it anger, pointlessness, fatigue, or all of the above?  Most importantly, what do I need to do to restore it? 

[badknees1]

I struggle with the intimacy issue also. How can I begin and carry thru intim acy and enjoy some one who hours before has

torn into me out of the blue. This has happened numerous uncountable times. Can I trust and be intimate with somebody who feels I am a stupid person, who is not a man, and calls me an ass etc and on and on. No way do i want sex with her saying that. But I feel like I should so I feel like a failure. All the Viagra in the world wont take away the abusive degrading rages directed at me.