I really don't know why I keep going back

[Think About It...]

After 3 months, back together again.
In under 2 weeks there have been 3 day-long fights.

I dont even remember what the first was for...
The second was when I asked him how much was in his savings and then reacted strongly when I found out that in the 3 months we were apart he spent almost 3K all the while telling me that he was still 'saving for a life for us' so that 'one day I will see'. Then I blocked his # since he was at work and was full freaking out, so I texted him 20-ish times during the day, and he texted me and called me 29 and it turned into a fight about how I dont respect his job at all, never-mind that he doesnt by being on the phone all day.
The third was over.. I dont even know. He told me he had to watch his dads dog all weekend. In the past this means staying home and letting it out twice a day. The next sentence was "If I come over...", so to clarify, since we had plans to spend the weekend together, I said "Are you coming over tomorrow then" and apparently something about they way I said that kicked him into emotion turmoil and he accused me of all awful and deceitful things and having an evil double meaning and a nasty way of speaking that was purposely intended to make him feel stupid and bad... and ugh. After 1/2 hour of him ripping into me and telling me how awful I was to him, whihc I told him to check his emotions, I started crying and he started laughing at me and mocking me. Of course this is all my fault, because he is 'trying' and no amount of his 'trying' is good enough for me and he figures Im always MAD at him.

Why do I do this to myself?
He's in therapy so I thought he might be getting a grip on things, but Im pretty sure he's just telling the therapist his distorted side of the story, which is so far removed from reality that it actually makes me psychically nauseous to hear it.
How far gone is he?
I just dont know why I do this to myself

[bluesclues]

After 3 months, back together again.
In under 2 weeks there have been 3 day-long fights.

I dont even remember what the first was for...
The second was when I asked him how much was in his savings and then reacted strongly when I found out that in the 3 months we were apart he spent almost 3K all the while telling me that he was still 'saving for a life for us' so that 'one day I will see'. Then I blocked his # since he was at work and was full freaking out, so I texted him 20-ish times during the day, and he texted me and called me 29 and it turned into a fight about how I dont respect his job at all, never-mind that he doesnt by being on the phone all day.
The third was over.. I dont even know. He told me he had to watch his dads dog all weekend. In the past this means staying home and letting it out twice a day. The next sentence was "If I come over...", so to clarify, since we had plans to spend the weekend together, I said "Are you coming over tomorrow then" and apparently something about they way I said that kicked him into emotion turmoil and he accused me of all awful and deceitful things and having an evil double meaning and a nasty way of speaking that was purposely intended to make him feel stupid and bad... and ugh. After 1/2 hour of him ripping into me and telling me how awful I was to him, whihc I told him to check his emotions, I started crying and he started laughing at me and mocking me. Of course this is all my fault, because he is 'trying' and no amount of his 'trying' is good enough for me and he figures Im always MAD at him.

Why do I do this to myself?
He's in therapy so I thought he might be getting a grip on things, but Im pretty sure he's just telling the therapist his distorted side of the story, which is so far removed from reality that it actually makes me psychically nauseous to hear it.
How far gone is he?
I just dont know why I do this to myself

[wolfgirl]

I don't know why we go back...I did this for almost 3 years. I just recently had the courage to call the police over threats of violence and change my phone number.  I then called him to apologize and gave him the new number!  He invited me back again...I wanted him so much.  I felt lost without him. I almost went back It's only been 2 days not seeing him and I am really suffering.   My T says that it's normal to miss someone when you have spent so much time with them and have bonded.   She said to forgive myself for being "human".  So, that must be it.  You have feelings of compassion, love and devotion.  So forgive yourself for that. We also are grieving.  We have lost someone we love to a disease we cannot manage.   She also says that we have to learn to protect ourselves.  That is the part of me that is learning to stay away.  I wish I could help you more.  I hope that you will put your safety and mental health first.  It's too exhausting and depressing to live that way. I have faith that it will get better and it has as time goes by.     

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)