BP wants divorce

[Think About It...]

So earlier this week we had my grandma's funeral and I stayed out late. Which is exactly what my h had asked me not to do.

He has now asked me for a divorce. This is the first time he has ever done this. He seems pretty serious about it too. He attacked everything about me, asked my mother to come over and attacked everything about her, blaming my actions on how she raised me. It was terrible.

Being a typical non-BP living with a BP, I started really evaluating the situation. Being together 10 years with a 2 year old, I would feel guilty ending it here. I am giving it 3 months...one last huge effort to show him I love him.

If I do not succeed I will at least be able to look my daughter in the eyes and tell her I did all that I could.

Any advice?

[survivalmode27]

So earlier this week we had my grandma's funeral and I stayed out late. Which is exactly what my h had asked me not to do.

He has now asked me for a divorce. This is the first time he has ever done this. He seems pretty serious about it too. He attacked everything about me, asked my mother to come over and attacked everything about her, blaming my actions on how she raised me. It was terrible.

Being a typical non-BP living with a BP, I started really evaluating the situation. Being together 10 years with a 2 year old, I would feel guilty ending it here. I am giving it 3 months...one last huge effort to show him I love him.

If I do not succeed I will at least be able to look my daughter in the eyes and tell her I did all that I could.

Any advice?

[SunflowerFields]

Dear survivalmode,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I can imagine how difficult this situation must be for you.

As someone who was in a r/s with a high functioning BPDex, spent now a year out, came out of it almost dead, struggled my own way through analysis first of him, then BPD, then myself (the last one being the key - but wouldn't have gotten there if wasn't for the first two), and then finally - finally - just over the last few days actually - having had the epiphany - finally understanding what it is that *I* have done wrong my entire life that got me to where I was - this is the advice I would give you on what to say - the same advice that I would give to my old self - that girl back them - on what she should have said when faced with situations like this. It would be this:

"I understand you feel upset that I stayed out after my grandma's funeral. I am sorry I did not let you know I would have done so beforehand. Next time I will.

I also want to let you know that my family is important to me. My grandma was someone I loved and was close to. I wanted and needed to spend time with my family afterwards. I plan to show them love, proper respect, and spend time with them that I feel I need to spend. I will continue doing that.

I hope that you can understand and respect my feelings about this. If not, it will be regretful for both of us, but your feelings are yours, and I cannot change them nor am I responsible for them.

I am sorry to hear that you are contemplating a divorce. I love you and I do not want a divorce. However, should you indeed choose to divorce me over the fact that I spent time with my family, I want to let you know that I will not for one second regret my decision to divorce you, and will be glad that I am no longer married to you, because I do not deserve nor want to be married to someone who does not respect my need and wish to spend time with my family.

So you do what you feel you need to do."

That is what I would say. Of course, you are free to choose another path.

Good luck

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[SWLSR]

Survival,

For those of us who have chosen to marry a BPD this is the risk we take.  I did not know what BPD was when I did but I knew something was not right.  Like many nons I allowed my love for this person to blind me and when her issues were well beyond anything I could handle it all came crashing down on me.  If this is how you feel understand many of us nons have felt the same thing.  You are most likley in for some difficult times and your BPD may well go through some subtle attempts to get you back.  Get help therapy support groups anything to get you through this. 

[survivalmode27]

Sunflower thanks for the dialect. It does help. I did the validation part. I just think I was not strong enough on the divorce part. I guess I just was not expecting that or ready for that.

SWLSR- I did not know what it was either. Our Marriage counselor just diagnosed him recently. It was a huge eye opener for me and explained so many things. But still does not change where we are at. My family and friends are being very supportive and actually offering good advice. I just have to keep focused and take it one day at a time.

[survivalmode27]

Just to prove how fast BPDs changes emotions... I just had a conversation on the phone with my h and he sounded up, chipper even, and was talking to me like he normally would, like yesterday did not even happen. I guess we will wait and see what it is like when I get home.

[survivalmode27]

Nevermind, just got home and dog had an accident on the floor, he is ticked wants to kick the dog outside and it is my fault. Imagine that.

[modelc]

It's amazing what we can put up with.  Mine went from missing and loving his wife to telling me the only thing Im good for is being on my knees.  Just gotta shake your head

[an0ught]

Hi survivalmode27,

I am giving it 3 months...one last huge effort to show him I love him.

If I do not succeed I will at least be able to look my daughter in the eyes and tell her I did all that I could.

Any advice?

Advice?

1) Get support on the staying board for the next 3 months. If you can't commit yourself to pursue this course for a while and constantly doubt yourself it will not just be harder on you but it will be more difficult to communicate with your h.

2) Stay true to yourself. Study SET and talk straight. Be kind to yourself. There is no point in trying to do stuff that is not sustainable.

3) Don't focus on winning his love alone. You can not prove your love to him and if you try it will get worse. He is unsure, has strong doubts and might already believe you are leaving him. Which you might as you just showed posting. Which is fair. But also makes his suspicion right. Trying too hard to get his love will just raise resistance because it is invalidating his sense of where things are. It will get worse then.

4) Attention to mutual respect (protecting your boundaries and respecting his boundaries) and understanding his emotions and giving active feedback (validation) will help you to establish a better sense of where things might be heading.

[Rise]

Has he mentioned getting a divorce since the initial outburst? I know I reached a point I just started to ignore my ex's threats, because if they weren't acted on immediately, they weren't getting acted on at all. She's threatened to take our kids from me no less than a dozen times. After the first 4 or 5 times I realized she's never serious about it. She just needs something that's going to hurt me. She stopped as she slowly realized I didn't let it affect me anymore.

Do you think he's serious about leaving, or is this just something he threw out there to try and hurt you?

[survivalmode27]

Hi survivalmode27,

1) Get support on the staying board for the next 3 months. If you can't commit yourself to pursue this course for a while and constantly doubt yourself it will not just be harder on you but it will be more difficult to communicate with your h.

2) Stay true to yourself. Study SET and talk straight. Be kind to yourself. There is no point in trying to do stuff that is not sustainable.

3) Don't focus on winning his love alone. You can not prove your love to him and if you try it will get worse. He is unsure, has strong doubts and might already believe you are leaving him. Which you might as you just showed posting. Which is fair. But also makes his suspicion right. Trying too hard to get his love will just raise resistance because it is invalidating his sense of where things are. It will get worse then.

4) Attention to mutual respect (protecting your boundaries and respecting his boundaries) and understanding his emotions and giving active feedback (validation) will help you to establish a better sense of where things might be heading.

These are great guidelines! Thanks for the post!

I have decided that it does no good for me to go over the top as I can not keep it up day to day and next time, it will be the same blow-up. I just have to work on changing the communication so that I can still have a life and be married to him.

[survivalmode27]

He is now back to talking about long term future with me and our family. It is a roller coaster. I think they really mean the threats when they use them, it is just that the next emotion erases the previous emotion.

I should not get as upset when he throws threats. I am probably feeding the fire.

[an0ught]

He is now back to talking about long term future with me and our family. It is a roller coaster. I think they really mean the threats when they use them, it is just that the next emotion erases the previous emotion.

I should not get as upset when he throws threats. I am probably feeding the fire.

Careful here. Not getting upset is a good idea as you don't know whether or not it will happen and in case it does - you can't control him so best to remain calm so you can manage the outcome.

BUT. Staying outwardly calm is going to invalidate him in case he is upset and is working hard to upset you. And then he will escalate more. So either you find ways to validate him being upset or you have to leave him alone for some time. Just managing your own emotions and staying calm but staying around can backfire as it is invalidating.