an adult conversation

[Think About It...]

I ran into my ex Wednesday night, and went up to say hello. She actually hugged me bought me a drink and sat outside the bar with me to talk. She was able to say how much she misses Charlie our pomeranian and how she talks about him all the time. She told me she felt so lost when she was out of work like she was inside a washing machine. I told her she didn't have to miss Charlie she could see him, and she said no it would upset her too much.

She obviously doesn't want to feel anything about me, us,or the dog. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. She was balanced again, not dysregulated and kind but she also had 4-5 beers under her belt. She left and it felt great. Now it is so hard because I miss this "regulated" person. She was the person I cared for at the beginning. Anyway, I am feeling emotional but it hurts to miss someone I cared for so much. She doesn't live here so she will only be intown till Easter but I needed to share because I don't want to get suckedin and have her hurt me again. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I said I'd had three first dates but needed time to "air out". She mirrored me and said  "Exactly". I guess it will always feel like this when I see her. 

Just grateful for the kind conversation...Happy Easter everyone. Sea

[sea5045]

I ran into my ex Wednesday night, and went up to say hello. She actually hugged me bought me a drink and sat outside the bar with me to talk. She was able to say how much she misses Charlie our pomeranian and how she talks about him all the time. She told me she felt so lost when she was out of work like she was inside a washing machine. I told her she didn't have to miss Charlie she could see him, and she said no it would upset her too much.

She obviously doesn't want to feel anything about me, us,or the dog. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. She was balanced again, not dysregulated and kind but she also had 4-5 beers under her belt. She left and it felt great. Now it is so hard because I miss this "regulated" person. She was the person I cared for at the beginning. Anyway, I am feeling emotional but it hurts to miss someone I cared for so much. She doesn't live here so she will only be intown till Easter but I needed to share because I don't want to get suckedin and have her hurt me again. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I said I'd had three first dates but needed time to "air out". She mirrored me and said  "Exactly". I guess it will always feel like this when I see her. 

Just grateful for the kind conversation...Happy Easter everyone. Sea

[Want2know]

Kind conversations are nice as long as you are resolved about your r/s with her, or at least as resolved as you can be.  I think about my xunpdbf every so often, and hear about his happenings occasionally from mutual friends.  Haven't seen him in about a month since I've gone total NC.  I expect I will run into him sometime over the summer when we start having big gatherings in my area of all our friends.  Guess I'll deal with that if it happens.  I can only hope that the conversation is kind, but that's the thing with our pdSO's, huh, you just never know what you're going to get.  Glad your encounter went well.  Moving on...right? 

[sea5045]

Yes moving on, and don't worry I just felt sad at the way things were handled and how I was treated and how it affected my job, my family, all the stuff. Anyway, moving on in lots of areas, but too hard to get involved with anyone right now...too scary for me, it 's been so much work the last 18 months to meet good and kind people. And knowing she has most likely painted me black to people in the bar scene keeps me pretty tentative about reaching out.

It can turn on a dime, though from what I read, nice one minute, paranoid and accusatory the next, so...

[JustSaying]

Forgive this intrusion...I was just sighing wistfully at the title of the thread and trying to remember my last adult conversation that didn't include an attorney...love D to death, but boy bands and teenage dramas don't quite qualify...

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[sea5045]

I always told my friend "it hurts", and he said "It will always hurt", keeping that in mind helps me understand that close encounters are always going to bother me.

[Want2know]

I think it's the thought that it could have been good had they not had this personality disorder.  That's what hurts.  So, I have to keep reminding myself that, as you said earlier, it can turn on a dime, and that's what helps me realize I need to look at my time with my x as an experience that I learned from...hurt and all.

Glad to hear that you are moving on...hopefully those good and kind people will show up just when you need them.  Hey, you have us here...so you know we're out there somewhere outside of cyberspace.   

JS...boy bands - I give you a lot of credit for even attempting to have a conversation about them.   

[tailspin]

What a beautiful post sea5045,

I think we have to be cautious about what we perceive as "balanced" when we see them again.  We know their masks, their mirroring, and how truly easy it is for them to tell us what we want to hear or to manipulate us to feel a certain way.  After all...it's why we fell in love with them in the first place.

[seeking balance]

What a beautiful post sea5045,

I think we have to be cautious about what we perceive as "balanced" when we see them again.  We know their masks, their mirroring, and how truly easy it is for them to tell us what we want to hear or to manipulate us to feel a certain way.  After all...it's why we fell in love with them in the first place.

wise observation

[sea5045]

Yes it is, and I was very validating and mirrored right back, and she was sweet and kind, then I saw her 4 dayslater and she looked annoyed as hell, as if I was hassling her. But i left her and when I saw her in the ladies room I threw up my hands like REALLY, why do you keep turning up? I live here, you don't...it will always twinge andhurt.


And that is why I am posting to connect to those of you who know my story, I am sure  I am painted black, I could tell by the way they looked. But you have gotten me through the most painful time when I was lost in the fog. And I am grateful

[little doggy]

Cool thread (in that interesting way where we nod our heads as we read thinking "oh man, I've been there"). My moment was soon after I left. My xwBPD sent a nice email one afternoon asking how I was, sounding all concerned and wanting to talk. She sounded so genuine. But I thought I'd just leave till later in the night to respond. Sure enough, before the day was through, she sent another email ranting and raging about how uncaring and thoughtless I was and how she wanted me to die. Lesson learned. "Normal adult conversation" just another weapon in the armoury.

[Dire Wolf]

Every now and then I am surprised that our (rare) in-person interactions end up being civil and my uBPDxw is seemingly kind.

I know it is a charade. I know it is likely because she wants/needs something from me. I know it may be because she is acting this way in front of another person who is there.

But regardless, I still always feel good after those interactions.

Maybe it is the memory of the young love (I thought) we shared. Maybe it is just because I am so darn happy to not be getting raged at.

The main thing is that I will never, ever, ever get sucked in by her again. No matter how nice it feels or she sounds.

Our feelings are real. But we must learn from our experiences and be strong and know the truth.

Dire Wolf

[JustSaying]

I know it is a charade. I know it is likely because she wants/needs something from me. I know it may be because she is acting this way in front of another person who is there.

My X always thought she was the consistent one. I believe her that she thought that. The erraticness wasn't manipulation; her 'straight line' was her feelings and she consistently followed those. With that as her reference point, of course the rest of us looked odd by contrast. Our being happy or sad, up or down made no sense to her because our behaviors didn't reflect her feelings.

Imagine being on a psychedelic trip and wondering what's wrong with everyone else because they don't see the tie-dye elephant in the corner. Just doesn't register that maybe the problem lies with oneself.

[sea5045]

 Maybe it is just because I am so darn happy to not be getting raged at.

This was it for me, most of my rages were by phone, and it was nice to see the old person, that I once knew, but that is why I'm back posting so I can remember it can turn on a dime. She was in town from Wed to Sunday and I did not even text or call after seeing her Wed night. You all taught me to be afraid, be very afraid...

but then I ran into her again Sunday afternoon right before she was flying back out.  And I could tell it wasn't in the plan, but I stuck up for myself...saying "it's not like I knew you would be here".. and she heard it.  Then she chatted up my male friend I was with, and I told her "Keep in touch".  The fact is I don't know how to behave around exes when you have to bump into them...