What sort of hateful things have you BPD partners said to you or about you?

[Think About It...]

I am really interested to know what sort of hateful things BPD partners have said to their partners.
My BF can be absolutely hateful to me. He verbally abuses me calls me fat and ugly, says I have never made him happy and never will. He tells other people all sorts of personal things about me that shouldn't be repeated.
Why do they bad mouth us to anyone that will listen? His Mother hates me because of things he has told her. It seems he gets people to believe it is me that has problems and I make him so angry.
He says I am lazy and don't care about anyone but myself and my son. When I work full time and cook and look after his two teenage boys. He works long hours and I do all I can, is it their BPD that makes them unable to see what we actually do for them? Or do they actually believe we are that bad?

I am new to the site and am trying to get as much insight as I can.

[sadlyn]

I am really interested to know what sort of hateful things BPD partners have said to their partners.
My BF can be absolutely hateful to me. He verbally abuses me calls me fat and ugly, says I have never made him happy and never will. He tells other people all sorts of personal things about me that shouldn't be repeated.
Why do they bad mouth us to anyone that will listen? His Mother hates me because of things he has told her. It seems he gets people to believe it is me that has problems and I make him so angry.
He says I am lazy and don't care about anyone but myself and my son. When I work full time and cook and look after his two teenage boys. He works long hours and I do all I can, is it their BPD that makes them unable to see what we actually do for them? Or do they actually believe we are that bad?

I am new to the site and am trying to get as much insight as I can.

[Forever]

There is no logic to their ranting and complaining, no timeline or pattern, it's like trying to figure out a puzzle without all the pieces. I went from being fat and lazy to caring more about the gym then her, went to a coworkers wake and I wanted the single life, went to saladworks three days in a row I had to like someone who worked there. If I was playing random people in words with friends it had to be girls I was chatting with. But she constantly made quips about how I wasn't her type, that I was ugly, stupid and fat she played it off as jokes but it was meant to keep me down.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[wolfgirl]

This was the most perplexing of things.  One minute I was beautiful, wonderful, smart etc and then the next day I was a whore, c#*#*, POS,came from a dysfunctional family (which I did not).  He always told me I was in great shape and then...too fat, old, wrinkled, terrible stuff.  Other than this behavior he was a wonderful partner, but then again that sounds as if I'm saying" other than being an ax murderer, he was a nice guy".  I am only 1 week out of the break-up.  We've had so many but this time it feels sustainable.  I still want to go back, but I remind myself of those words.  Those words have impacted my life in a big way.  I have lost my confidence, my light...just what he wanted.   I could go on and on , but I would have to be censored on this board if I divulged all the nasty things he has said.     

[Kentucky1]

That she wish and did not understand why I can't get over my mom's death. She did not understand why I was stuck with this. Counselor said she is projecting her own being stuck where she is today. Not my problem.

Two things:

(a) She was jealous of my dead mom (Psychotic)
(b) I was focused on my healing and not her

I walked away. I can do better than this behavior.

[upsidedown]

Mine said things to numerous and too heinous to post.  The bottom line is that your partner should lift you up and support you, not tear you down.  If something your partner is saying to you or about you makes you feel bad, that's all you need to know.  The behavior will continue and/or worsen.  Get out while you still have a shred of self-esteem left.  Healing begins immediately (good news) and takes a very, very long time (bad news), but can't begin until you're free.  I have faith that truth, empathy and "taking the high road" prevails in the end.

[sadlyn]

Thanks everyone for your replies. After the last rage and insult flinging he has calmed again and being "Mr Nice Guy" I am waiting for this to end and the insults start again. Mine too would be censored if I wrote them here. They have got worse, is this typical that they get worse and worse?

He says these awful things to me then follows them up with "no normal person would stay if I said such hateful things to them"

Is he trying to make me leave him, i feel sometimes that he is so that he doesn't feel guilty.
 I really want to understand but at times it's so hard...

[finallyhappy]

I once wrote all the horrible things he said to me on a word doc. I finally stopped after a page an an half. This wasn't counting all the stuff he said about me to others. It didn't matter if I cried, or ran, or just stodd there. he said i made him do it anyway

[rogerroger]

I once wrote all the horrible things he said to me on a word doc. I finally stopped after a page an an half. This wasn't counting all the stuff he said about me to others. It didn't matter if I cried, or ran, or just stodd there. he said i made him do it anyway

Right on. In the big picture, it doesn't matter. My BPDw is incapable of seeing her actions as her own choices. Invariably, someone or something makes her do it.

In her mind, I should follow up any mistake I make that hurts her feelings with a new Lexus. When I don't seem appropriately remorseful, she seems to think can get me to see the error of my ways by taking me down a few pegs. I guess I'm supposed to have a flash of humility where I see that I have selfishly not seen the world from her point of view, and have put too much value on the things and people I like (maybe if she calls my mom a btch often enough, I'll finally realize that my mom really is a btch for buying her such a crappy birthday present instead of the Lexus).

She collects (with amazing recall) every negative thing anyone has ever said about her, and even things that were not negative that she nevertheless interpreted as vicious and hurtful. I have occasionally brought up the "well you said..." and her response is "that was a long time ago!". It doesn't seem to affect her that the things she brings up are often from just as long ago. Many of the things she claims she doesn't remember ("you can't throw the things I said when I was drunk back at me!"). She brings the same things up again and again and again, but if I mention something more than a few times she accuses me of "always" bringing up the past.

It took me a while to learn (I still need to be reminded) that you can't win a contest of "whose behavior was worse" with a pwBPD. Because they feel ill-treated, they will find some way to justify that feeling. Her patience for occupying the victim's role exceeds mine. I could list 25 things she said or did to hurt me, and if she had only 1 thing, she would win because I realize that my cards are not all aces, but hers are (even if they are all the ace of spades).

[Zaza42]

Good lord, some things he said were so childish. When he was trying to pull me back in I asked if he thought he did anything wrong and he said 'NOPE.' 'Nothing!' This startled me...

He told me at one point I had a flat secretary ass! Haha. That was comical.
What really hurt aside from being a 'filthy human being' was that 'all I had to offer was a hot body.' This of course in between being a C*** and a Wh***. How sick! ... Also that I was the spawn of hobo j*zz and my mom is an alcoholic (?).

I met this with physical violence unfortunately. No one calls me that!

[RKV]

Basically, whenever I stopped giving into his tantrums and rages out of nowhere is when things would get really nasty. At the start of the relationship he would cry for seemingly really insignificant things or reasons unknown. I'd come to his rescue and console him but eventually just ran out of steam to keep doing it.

That's when he called me heartless. I told him not too long after we met about how I literally wasn't allowed to  show anger or too much of any emotion growing up since my (likely NPD) father saw it as a threat and weakness. Even after this I was told by my BPDex that I didn't care about his feelings, that I was exactly like every other guy he was with, and that I'm obviously a sociopath for not oozing validation for the random crying fits.

[rogerroger]

... Also that I was the spawn of hobo j*zz and my mom is an alcoholic (?).

I met this with physical violence unfortunately. No one calls me that!

Proof of point. The BPD strategy here is to try to force you to behave as the horrible person they are convinced you are. When you let your buttons get pushed, they get to tell themselves, "See? I said you were an abusive donkey-hole and here you are abusing me again." Then they feel self-validated.

When I get stuff like this thrown at me now, I try to remind myself that I don't accept those representations. It's my worldview that matters to me, not hers. So if she says (like she did once) that she hopes my parents die in a horrible accident, I just realize that the truth is that her hopes don't govern reality, and that it is a tragedy that at the moment she has such terrible thoughts about people I love. She would be happier if she could set aside her feelings of victimization and represent the world more accurately. But I can't make her choose to accept the world as I see it. Her choices are hers, but mine are mine. Every insult is an attempt to impose a representation of reality on me. It's up to me to choose whether or not I accept or reject that representation.

[OnceConfused]

I think their behaviors are to make you have a feeling of inferiority so that you cannot , BPD believes, leave them.

For example, The xBPDgf scolded me for eating soup too loudly and threatened to sit at a different table. Then she even called my children, b*tches. It got to the point that I was so scared to say anything or do anything around her for the fear of the sudden rage. HINT: Walking on Eggshells.

At first I attributed her behaviors to a low self esteem complex, but then once I read books about BPD, I finally understood that I was way over my head. So, it was time to pull back to protect my children. Now, years later, I still have cold sweats thinking about what would happen to me, my children and my assets, had I stuck with the xBPDgf.

[thicker skin]

The worst thing? Hmm... Probably telling me to get an abortion, accusing me of wanting more maintenance when I left him, saying the baby couldn't be his because "he didn't want another one"... She is 13 now, I couldn't abort our baby because I already loved her and her father. That not being accepted, a dirty motivation involved and being accused of having other sexual relations during my pregnancy because "I probably enjoyed it" cut deep.

If you can think of a derogatory name, I've been called it. If you can think of a disgusting, deviant act, I've been accused of it.

I struggle to see past the Mr Niceguy act now, when I know that if I raise any concerns, have any needs or wish to be treated with some dignity and respect, I'm instantly devalued to the point of annihilation. Scratch the surface, doubt or question to any degree and out comes the monster. Obviously, my intimacy issues aren't related to any of that though... I'm disordered!

[BentNotBroken]

Ooh, fun topic. I actually wrote out a list of these things a few months ago. There were about 30-40 items on the list, and it was just the names she had called me in the previous two weeks or so. I carried the list around in my back pocket for about a month just as a quick reminder of the hatred she screamed at me in front of our less than 1 year old son. The list is now in my safe, but I will be revisiting it as I prepare for our custody hearings. I'm sure the judge will be fascinated by the range, and depth of her abuse in front of our infant son.

If I could post the list without it being censored I might do that later. Good times.

[xeon]

I hate when she calls me an a-hole.  I really try to be a good person overall and I just hate label.  If I'm truly doing something a-hole worthy that would be one thing... but ?

I hate it when she talks me down to others... recently ranted to my sister and on another day my sister's BF.  Both of them were absolutely gobsmacked and have the utmost respect for me... saying they just had a hard time keeping their mouths shut.  She says other people always take my side, her friends included... you'd think she'd get it, but she doesn't.  It hurts even though I  know it's not the truth.   

[MikeAnon]

Mine loves the silent treatment and cold hearted inuendos like:

-I get out of bed (in my house) to get a glass of milk. Her "where were you? Of course, the kitchen."

-"if I find a crumb on the floor..." she s a neat freak.

- you can touch me but No sex...no sex..."

"-how many times do I have to tell you? What did I just say? Do you need me to dres it up for you?"

Just things like this over and over...those were the milder ones

[hithere]

Mine said things to numerous and too heinous to post.

Yes, me too.  I have said some very horrible things back.  At one point before I knew about BPD I thought if I said hurtful things back to her then she would realize how painful it is and not go there next time.  But three things happened. 1. she denied saying the horrible things she did and 2. she used the things I said to prove to herself I was just as bad as she is and 3. I felt bad for the things she said and also for the things I said.

I truly have never had anyone in my whole life talk to me half as bad and with such venom as my expwBPD - even enemies that hated me!

[CassieFlips]

"Cassie does everything that she wants, and her way", Selfish, (Im a public school teacher, a gymnastics coach and judge, and a photographer ... not professions I define as selfish), "I tell you these things to make you cry and shut up" Mean, arrogant, abrasive, a "business partner", and not a wife, etc.


I love *eyeroll* when they try to push you away.

[esmcgreer]

I could have written your post, my heart aches for you.  I have been told I'm disgusting, fat, lazy, pathetic, worthless, retarded, stupid, and of course I've been called a whore a million times.  I said I felt like dying once, and he told me to hurry up and do the world a favor.  He has told me repeatedly how much better he is than me, and how hard his life is in tolerating me.  When I'm sad he will laugh at me and ask if i want a cheeseburger to feel better.  You get the picture.  I let all that lead me to severe depression and isolation, but no more.  It helps when you realize that they are just projecting their worthless feelings on to you.  I don't take his crap anymore.  I put it on him and let him deal with it.  You have to believe you are NOT what they say you are.  You can't believe what an unstable person is telling you no matter how convincing.  Mine was pretty darn convincing and smart.  They know your weaknesses and love to exploit them when they are feeling particularly scared or rotten.  You're right, they will hate you for putting up with their abuse.  They'll hate you for not putting up with it too.  My husband said the EXACT same words.  Don't put up with it.  You can't try to help or please, there is no pleasing.  You have to clear the fog so that you are not caught up in the distortion.  Take good care of yourself.  Things are better in my relaionship now that I take care of myself.  

[BentNotBroken]

One thing to keep in mind as you reflect on those nasty, hateful things: they intend to hurt you with them. There usually is no truth to what they say (scream). My BPD would lash out like an angry child and attack me, my family, anything I valued, etc. Often it was all in the same few minutes. She was trying to get me to feel as bad as she felt all the time.  That and I later realized she was trying to get me to lash out and/or hit her so she would be the victim. At the end, she was trying to get me to commit suicide so I would be just like her husband, and she would be the ultimate victim. She is obviously one really sick woman.