I made have handled something wrong...

[Think About It...]

So my hates my family especially my sister... I have lost much contact with my family over the few years of my marriage.  My uBPDw also feels this way about her own family and sibling(and family).

My sister recently had a baby(first grandchild for my parents, so first time uncle outside of marriage).

My sister lives a couple hours away and my wife already told me she will not visit unless it is the baptism. So I decided to make plans and spend one night visiting.

Well my wife flipped, and that I am not honoring her by going!

Any suggestion how to handle this?

[Mike76]

So my hates my family especially my sister... I have lost much contact with my family over the few years of my marriage.  My uBPDw also feels this way about her own family and sibling(and family).

My sister recently had a baby(first grandchild for my parents, so first time uncle outside of marriage).

My sister lives a couple hours away and my wife already told me she will not visit unless it is the baptism. So I decided to make plans and spend one night visiting.

Well my wife flipped, and that I am not honoring her by going!

Any suggestion how to handle this?

[CodependentHusband]

Henry,
    That's a tough one. I'm sorry that you are being placed in this impossible position. I totally know how you feel. I think that you have to make the hard decision on which events to attend, and, basically do damage control. I recently made the decision not to attend my niece's wedding 3 hours away. My dBPDw had said that she wanted to go until the invitation came in the mail addressed to "Mr. [my name], [D7's first name], and family." My wife was enraged... My feelings would have been hurt too, so, I don't blame her. Considering all things, including my guilt for missing the wedding, which I have just a little bit of, I chose not to attend. I did get her a nice gift off of her registry and had it shipped to her. I also followed up with a couple of emails to my niece explaining my regrets for missing the wedding, etc. She's seems okay with the fact I didn't go, and was very understanding.

   You case is a little different, but the similarities make it strikingly similar in nature. It's a pwBPD vs your FOO issue. I chose not the go to the wedding, but I still have dinner at my parents house once a week with my D7. I maintain the contact with my FOO, but I can't do everything that I would do if I wasn't in this marriage. I am at peace with the way things are right now. I think you just have to decide how much you are willing to do in order to feel good about both your marriage, wife, and you FOO. Gotta find the balance that doesn't allow you to feel resentful and hopefully doesn't alienate yourself from all of those people that you love.

[JustSaying]

How did you let your wife know of your plans? Did you let her know before or after you made the plans? If she said, "You know what, I'd like to go along after all," would she be welcomed?

She flipped? How did that play out? Was she calm, but upset? Did she rage? And what did you say/do when she flipped?

[Mike76]

CodependentHusband... It is a impossible situation.  Similar to you she has sent RSVPed no to weddings that I was unaware of.  Some then says to me "Sorry you can not make the wedding?"  I am then like WHAT...

JustSaying... I did make some of the plans before I told her.  She did previous tell me once she had not interest in going, and once I was not allowed. I also did it this way to protect myself, and my right to make choices in life.

I did start to make the plans, otherwise if I talk to my uBPDw before the plans it would never happen like many other visits over the years.  I have seen my sister may 6 times in the last 4 years.  I had to fight for those even and it only happened because she was my parents 45 minutes away.

She did rage for while and then send a few page email.

[JustSaying]

Seeing how you approached it and how she reacted, with hindsight, do you think there's anything worth doing different next time or is this just one of those things that is what it is and it's the price you'll pay for each visit with your family?

[Mike76]

Unfortunately     I think it is the price I need to pay for seeing family.

I can not wait for my wife and her terms any longer...

[JustSaying]

Then I wouldn't judge myself as having handled it wrong. Every one of us has encountered "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situations. If we're sensitive to our partner's perspective, if we try to understand their emotional needs and validate them, if we're clear on our own boundaries...maybe we've done all we can. Maybe we accept the situation as one that has no perfect resolution--someone's going to be unhappy no matter what. But if our own choices and own behaviors are measured and balance our needs with our partner's...that might be all that is possible.

[LoveNotWar]

Henry35, my h got very upset when I spent time w/ my daughter and grandsons. I was really bothered by that and after much thought and hearing from others on this site I concluded that I could not sacrifice my r/s with my d and grands no matter what happened w/my h. My d is my only child and I am her rock. My grandsons are happy, smart, delightful and a lot of fun. They keep me young and give me joy and I also enhance their life. When I die I hope my grands say g'ma was a BLAST!

So I try to balance my time w/my d's family as much for my d and son-in-law as for my h but I don't ask my h's permission to see my grands. I do work with him regarding my schedule and always validate his feelings about me seeing my family. When he says you care more about them than me instead of arguing or trying to talk him out of it I validate how he feels and I'm patient and kind about it...no matter how frustrated I feel about hearing the same old stuff every time  . Then when I return from a visit I always do something thoughtful for him like bring him a treat, bake his favorite cookies, give him a foot rub...

This is a firm boundary for me and come what may I'm honoring this boundary. My h has raged about it in the past but he seems much more accepting of this since he's started w/a T and I validate him instead of justifying and arguing with him about it.

It truly felt no win for me in the past, now that I have established this boundary it's gets easier each time.