Has anyone read the book 'Loving the Self-Absorbed?' by Nina Brown?
http://BPDfamily.com/book_review/nina_brown.htmI was disappointed to find that there is no Kindle or eBook version of the book, and none of the book stores around here seem to have a copy. I'm thinking about ordering it. Amazon has a preview of the book and there is a test to quantify your perception of your partner's N traits ("Destructive Narcissist Rating Scale"). Based on my perceptions, my wife's score came in at 117 (Serious - Your partner has many destructive narcissistic characteristics), and a total of ratings over 3 came up to 19 ("Manipulative"). The TOC indicates that I need to read chapter 7, which, of course, isn't included in the free preview.
Applying what I have learned here has improved things for everyone in our family a lot over the past few months, but this past week has sent her into overdrive. She's been dysregulated all week. I have been a validating fool, but she continues to block me out. Today I took some time to spend with my family when things didn't go well with my wife this morning. I was clear with her in text messages that I love her and that I will be back later. I just got home, and she seems to have escalated, probably because she feels like I abandoned her today. It's okay though... I needed to do that.
So, anyway, it appears that the tools aren't working this week, because she's not open to really listening... Don't get me wrong... when I say the tools aren't working, I'm SURE that the tools are making things as good as they can be, it's just that it's not getting us back to a point where she isn't in her "super-defensive/angry" mode.
Sometimes you just have to wait and continue to use the tools in the meantime. I can accept that. I'm thinking that if she had fewer N traits that I would have already navigated this situation and we would have more peace around here. I've sent her a few emails this week that were brief, well though-out on my part... careful not to present any blame... using S.E.T. These emails seem to be annoying her more than anything. Using the different approach of leaving with love today didn't help either.
So, I'm wondering if I might try something in the book. I have noticed in the past that my wife typically doesn't like to acknowledge/discuss/think about her feelings at a core level, so, If I say, "I want to be here for you. I know that [niece's name]'s death has been hard on you and you want to be there for the rest of the family. Just like you want to be there for them, I want to be here for you." One side of me thinks that she doubts my sincerity and she is too afraid to trust that I am being genuine... the other side of me thinks that maybe it's just too painful for her to think about any of this, and by me bringing it up, it's just reminding her of how painful it is. It's ironic though, because she has said things that indicate that her thoughts have been on this family tragedy a whole lot this week.
Any advice from chapter 7 that anyone doesn't mind sharing?
