On routine days I have a hard time validating

[Think About It...]

Hi, When my uBPDh is dysregulated I now know what to do. But in routine days I really will have to work hard for validating, as it is not in my nature. Today I had a fight with him and it disturbs me very much.
Regards

[kalsud]

Hi, When my uBPDh is dysregulated I now know what to do. But in routine days I really will have to work hard for validating, as it is not in my nature. Today I had a fight with him and it disturbs me very much.
Regards

[an0ught]

Hi, When my uBPDh is dysregulated I now know what to do. But in routine days I really will have to work hard for validating, as it is not in my nature. Today I had a fight with him and it disturbs me very much.
Regards

Well, paying attention what he does and getting to know him better on the emotional level may be a start. Changing the language with which you communicate requires persistence.

[gina louise]

hi kalsud,
I too have problems with stopping my innate reactions and re-wording them to be validating.
it's exhausting sometimes to work that hard to word what ought to be a straight forward discussion.
yesterday my H took one question as an implied criticism from me-NOT what I meant, I had asked for clarification only-and lectured me in 3 different ways about the same list we were going over together.

I felt really belittled and talked over...as usual.
BUT what I actually SAID was, *I understand now that when I said XYZ, you FELT criticized* for some reason, and remarkably so to me-that defused the whole situation.
No public outburst from him, he was visibly relieved and said so, and actually became more reasonable.

Now when we got in the car he had another *reason* to attack me for a further conversation...but I handled the first one well.
(i think)

[hithere]

Today I had a fight with him and it disturbs me very much.

I tried very hard to do this but life is just so complicated, it is hard to live for someone else when you often get very little in return. 

If you are set on staying then just keep trying and don't get too discouraged.

[Auspicious]

Hi, When my uBPDh is dysregulated I now know what to do. But in routine days I really will have to work hard for validating, as it is not in my nature. Today I had a fight with him and it disturbs me very much.
Regards

Sorry things didn't go well - can you tell us more about what happened?

[beyondbelief]

Validation is a powerful tool.  The tricky part is sometimes what we think is validating is taken as invalidating.  It can take some practice to get it down.

BUT what I actually SAID was, *I understand now that when I said XYZ, you FELT criticized* for some reason, and remarkably so to me-that defused the whole situation.
No public outburst from him, he was visibly relieved and said so, and actually became more reasonable.

Validation is really all about them.  When we defend, guess wrong (put words in their mouth), try to fix things, etc they usually feel invalidated.  There are a few words that we should probably eliminate from our vocabulary when we are learning how to validate someone.

One of these is "understand".  The truth is we might not really have a clue what is bothering them.  For all we know they are reacting to something that happened long ago.  Something like "I think...is that right?" is a lot safer.  If you let them tell you enough times what they are feeling then you will be able to make better guesses in the future and can relax this a bit.

Similarly telling them how they "feel" is dicey.  If you get it right then great, if you guess wrong then it blows up.

Another is "but".  It acts like a delete button and cancels out everything that came before it.  How would you feel if someone you respect told you "You did a great job BUT you screwed up ..."?  "But" can be used positively  however since it is easy to get wrong, it is probably better to just not use it until you get a bit more practice.

[LoveNotWar]

My h had a meltdown last night over the water heater leaking. My first inclination was to say hey, stuff happens, I'll help you fix it. I always jump too quickly to the solution, I just want to fix it and make it better...a problem of mine.

But I remembered to validate his feelings first, saying things like yes this is a pain, it is upsetting etc. When he saw there was drywall damage he said you know I hate to do drywall. I said I know you do, this does suck etc. I resisted the urge to say I'd do the drywall work, he wasn't looking for solutions, he was looking to be heard.

I'm learning.

And although he was still agitated he finally got to the point where he could deal with solutions and it never became MY fault. Huge progress for us.

So what I'm saying is it gets easier and more natural as you get in the habit of it. I think it's about being patient, working through the process of talking about his feelings and insuring that I hear what he's communicating before moving on to my feelings or solving the problem.

And it really does help!

[beyondbelief]

I'm learning.

So what I'm saying is it gets easier and more natural as you get in the habit of it. I think it's about being patient, working through the process of talking about his feelings and insuring that I hear what he's communicating before moving on to my feelings or solving the problem.

And it really does help!

I would say you did great.  Thanks for sharing as we can all learn from you.

[xeon]

I stink at validating too, but I'm getting better.  I disconnect a bit which helps... if that makes sense.  She starts ranting or complaining about something I just parrot it back in a way that says I heard her... but not necessarily do I agree with it.  She's complaining about picking up our daughter from practice for example... I just want to say quit your btching and do what a parent does... that doesn't work well.    Sometimes validating doesn't feel right, but for our SO's it's what they NEED.   

[survivalmode27]

Lovenotwar- That is a really good example. I too am a "no problem we can fix it" type person, that is how I am with life. Why cry over spilt milk? In BP, we cry over spilt milk so we have a cause and an emotion we can understand.

So instead of just making light, I need to act as if it is emotionally effecting me as well, without blaming and then I am validating his feelings.

She's complaining about picking up our daughter from practice for example... I just want to say quit your btching and do what a parent does... that doesn't work well.       

I can relate, everyday! I drop off our daughter and the BPDh picks her up, everyday he calls at 3:30pm with a reason why I should pick her up when he gets off work 2 hrs before I do. Drives me crazy!

[kalsud]

Hi,
Oh ,I really need a lot of practice valdating ...

Regards
Kalsud

[LoveNotWar]

Kalsud, until you get the hang of it or if you are at a loss for words you can look at him,  making eye contact, nod and listen without arguing and no interrupting until you really get what he is saying then you can validate.

Don't rush it...if you listen without judgement you will be able to understand his feelings and know what to validate.

The longer you practice the easier it gets.

[Marcie]

I have this problem too. Specially when I feel tired and cranky

[kalsud]

Lovenotwar, Hi!
Yes I am trying but I find myself feeling more bad when I am alone and keep on crying..

[LoveNotWar]

Are you mired in depression? A problem that many nons have cause living w/ a pwBPD is invalidating to US!

What are you doing to care for yourself? Before you can do anything for your partner you gotta save yourself!

[kalsud]

Hi 
Lovenotwar,
I am trying to accept the situation. I keep engaged myself in things I like and that I have to do.
Meanwhile I have also noticed that he has sadistic traits too.(at emotional level not physical)
What should I do?