Admitting I can't handle the Push/Pull

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So many times I have let myself believe things would be okay.  I have forced myself to "understand" the nature of what was playing out.  I have convinced myself that I was strong enough to stand through the pushing away.  To tolerate being locked out, or ignored, or blamed, or raged on.

Mostly, I would react in an emotional hurt manner that would allow me to be guilty enough to have my side to focus on.  In truth, it didn't help her situation at all, and it never allowed me to admit how wrong these situations were.  BUT, as soon as the dust would settle, I was happily right there, happy to have things okay again.  Only to eventually try to communicate the problem areas which would start the whole thing over...agghhhh!

I need to admit that I can't handle the push/pull or distance needed to make this work.  I am not strong enough to let it roll off, to not be hurt from the moments when she is seeing me as the creator of evil.

I need to admit that she can't meet my needs, not even close.  And that the good times are not enough to justify this.  I am working on this.  And I must continue gaining the strength to end the "true" relationship versus hanging on to the "possible" relationship that I so badly want.  I should know by know, the "possible" one isn't ever going to come to fruition.

[Chaosanity]

So many times I have let myself believe things would be okay.  I have forced myself to "understand" the nature of what was playing out.  I have convinced myself that I was strong enough to stand through the pushing away.  To tolerate being locked out, or ignored, or blamed, or raged on.

Mostly, I would react in an emotional hurt manner that would allow me to be guilty enough to have my side to focus on.  In truth, it didn't help her situation at all, and it never allowed me to admit how wrong these situations were.  BUT, as soon as the dust would settle, I was happily right there, happy to have things okay again.  Only to eventually try to communicate the problem areas which would start the whole thing over...agghhhh!

I need to admit that I can't handle the push/pull or distance needed to make this work.  I am not strong enough to let it roll off, to not be hurt from the moments when she is seeing me as the creator of evil.

I need to admit that she can't meet my needs, not even close.  And that the good times are not enough to justify this.  I am working on this.  And I must continue gaining the strength to end the "true" relationship versus hanging on to the "possible" relationship that I so badly want.  I should know by know, the "possible" one isn't ever going to come to fruition.

[OnceConfused]

Chaosanity:

we are all like the gamblers going to the casino. we are losing but we keep put more and more money to bet with the hope that THIS is the big one. LIke that, we all keep investing more and more of our efforts with the hope that the real person of our dream will come back. Statistics dictates that the house will win and so BPD.


Only when you accept that by losing we ar gaining. By losing our attachment, we gain our freedom, our true love and our happiness. Why trying to force a round peg into  a square hole, for in the end both will be damaged forever.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Chaosanity]

I know all of this very well but nothing helps me so much as to hear it from others. I am in need of support from those that understand.  There is no one to turn to in my life that knows how it is to be in my shoes.  This is my 2nd rodeo with this.  The first was low functioning BPD and I think that is a big part of how a high functioning BPD was able to slip past detection until I was hooked.  I have 3 years invested this time.  Damn, for over a whole year I've known where this is heading.  I need support.  I need to stop this madness.

[Chaosanity]

Coming to terms with the finality is terrible.

Makes me shake.

Nights are the worst.

[seeking balance]

It takes a very unique person to withstand a relationship with a pwBPD.  Not better or worse, just a different set of needs and an ability to stay very balanced and very logical in the face of extreme emotion.

When I first came here 2 years ago, I really did think that I had what it took...I loved her, what I didn't have - I could learn.

After all this time, a divorce and thousands of posts (I likely know more about BPD than many T's); I can honestly say that my natural way of being would not allow me to be in a relationship with a pwBPD - eventually, we would both be triggered.  It took me almost 2 years to admit this and admit that doesn't make me a failure - I like to think of this as me reaching Radical Acceptance.  Given the choice, I would not be able to do it because of MY triggers and MY needs - and that is ok.

The greatest strength is in the ability to be vulnerable.

Peace,
SB

[Chaosanity]

Well put.  Thank you for that.  Yes, I need to come to accept it.  I accept that I need more than what is available.  I have trouble accepting that I have to quit being around her, although I know I do.

Thank you for sticking around here after you have completed your own goal of acceptance.  It can be quite frustrating watching as well as going through this battle of me vs. me.

[seeking balance]

Well put.  Thank you for that.  Yes, I need to come to accept it.  I accept that I need more than what is available.  I have trouble accepting that I have to quit being around her, although I know I do.

Thank you for sticking around here after you have completed your own goal of acceptance.  It can be quite frustrating watching as well as going through this battle of me vs. me.

It is not frustrating - it is compassion, for myself and others.  There is nothing easy about this situation and we all have our own path - sometimes people stay, sometimes they leave - there is no right or wrong.  Being here helps me remember the facts so I stay true to my path.

My guess is you will be harder on yourself than anyone.  One of the hardest things for me to accept was once I fully said "enough" I had to be ready to let go and accept that I would have to do the hard, the true letting go.  Nothing about this process is easy, but once you decide - be compassionate to yourself and to her (being compassionate to her is letting go 100%, you don't get to stick around and try to fix or or think you are helping her.)

[Chaosanity]

I know what you're saying.

Wrote in my journal somewhat recently about how if things are bad, I have to be the one to walk away, and if they are better again, I have to be the one to walk back.  Meaning, she isn't ever going to help the process of making things work out, nor will she help the process of breaking things off.  It's 100% up to me to do what is best for both of us.  Somehow, I'm still responsible for helping her when I'm trying to leave since that will be better for her too, .  Dang, they really do get ya by the parts.

I don't think that it is her feelings that fuel staying together.  There was a time when there was.  It has been boiled down since then and the staying decision has been for me, because of enjoying the company and close times, and out of habit, much like an addiction.

[seeking balance]

I don't think that it is her feelings that fuel staying together.  There was a time when there was.  It has been boiled down since then and the staying decision has been for me, because of enjoying the company and close times, and out of habit, much like an addiction.

Honestly, it has to be your feelings and not hers for staying together.  This is about YOU - 100% about what it is you need or want. 
Why do you want to leave?

[Chaosanity]

To stop getting hurt from the push and the cold distance that gets put up.  To give myself a chance to find a partner that will be there for me emotionally the way I am able to do for them.

That pretty much sums it up.

[Chaosanity]

I suppose what I was saying previously was that I do not feel responsible for her life.  If she fell on her face after we split, I feel no need to rush in and help her.  If I did do that, it would be for me mostly.  I have hit a point of hurt where I feel she doesn't deserve my love.  I have recently been trying to get her to love me the way I do her.  Did that for a while before waking up and realizing how pitiful that is.  This was 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Once I recognized that fact, I didn't want to do it anymore.  I did however somehow come to believe in the relationship another time since that "wake up." The good never lasts more than four days anymore though.  I tried to tell myself that after 3 days I needed to separate and be apart for a couple days to keep the distance safe for her, but when a stretch of good comes, I seem to either forget this needs done, or believe something is better.  Than BOOM, I'm shocked and not shocked at all.

[seeking balance]

I suppose what I was saying previously was that I do not feel responsible for her life.  If she fell on her face after we split, I feel no need to rush in and help her.  If I did do that, it would be for me mostly.  I have hit a point of hurt where I feel she doesn't deserve my love.  I have recently been trying to get her to love me the way I do her.  Did that for a while before waking up and realizing how pitiful that is.  This was 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Once I recognized that fact, I didn't want to do it anymore.  I did however somehow come to believe in the relationship another time since that "wake up." The good never lasts more than four days anymore though.  I tried to tell myself that after 3 days I needed to separate and be apart for a couple days to keep the distance safe for her, but when a stretch of good comes, I seem to either forget this needs done, or believe something is better.  Than BOOM, I'm shocked and not shocked at all.

this reminds me of one of they myths that keeps us stuck from article 9
http://BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

this one was a tough one for me to swallow too

[Chaosanity]

Honestly, I believe that the hardest part of leaving is not that point (#9).

It is this - I know that she loves me.

I know she loves me and can't show it.

And she can't trust in my love for her.

Her inability to have faith and trust and let love in - this is the root of why it must end.  There is no other way around the problems but to leave it dead.

Knowing - she loves me.

[OnceConfused]

chaosanity:

Forgive me, but your feeling that "I know she loves me and can't show it" is purely impractical and that refects your attachment which leads to your feeling of frustration and suffering NOW.

My motto is, ' it is so easy to fall in love but it is very difficult to stay in love."

why?

Because to stay in love needs lots of works. One has to be loving and yet be loved. If one is only loving and not be loved, or is loved but not loving, then the demise of the relationship is INEVITABLE. Perhaps that is where you are now, loving but not feeling loved.

You like many of us here, want so much for our SO to be that sweet person of our dream but in reality no one is pure and we all are composite of all our goods and bads. In many cases, the r.s is sustainable because the goods outweigh the bads. Unfortunately, in BPD their bads are often outweigh the goods. For example, BPD will see your negative behaviors, though minor, but that will trigger her BPD's behaviors, because they CANNOT REGULATE THEIR EMOTION (fear of rejection).

You cannot expect your SO to change to your liking, because that is then is not TRUE LOVE. True love is when you let the person be PERFECTLY the way they are, and not twisting them into your image. The underlying rages of BPD is that BPD wants you to change to that 100% compliant person, 100% dominated, and 100% docile. Certainly you don't like that expectation as well.

Back to my point of love needs works. LOVE IS A VERB, my friend. Love is something that you do for the other person. You cannot say I love you and then within seconds call them name or belittle them for everything little things they do. That is INCONGRUENT.  I love my now wife and so I make the point of getting her some roses on valentine day and take it to her office, even though I had not done that for 22 years with my late 1st wife. Buying roses is not part of my behaviors but I make a conscious effort because I know that will please my SO. I change my behaviors because I want to change from the inside to a better husband, but I would be resistant had my wife demanded the roses. You get the gist ?

I left the xBPDgf because I knew that she would not change for she has for years accepted that her behaviors are normal to her (but painful to others).  I have gained so much by losing the xBPDgf. I have gained a new wife who is what the xBPDgf has not and best of all I have gained the peace and happiness of my life.

My advice to you is that thoug Love needs works to be sustainable but if loving someone requires too much work  and you feel frustrated then that r.s is not the one for you.

[Chaosanity]

Thank you so much for taking the time to help.  Your words mean a lot.  I will come back to them many times.  My focus needs to stay there in that zone.

[seeking balance]

Honestly, I believe that the hardest part of leaving is not that point (#9).

It is this - I know that she loves me.

I know she loves me and can't show it.

And she can't trust in my love for her.

Her inability to have faith and trust and let love in - this is the root of why it must end.  There is no other way around the problems but to leave it dead.

Knowing - she loves me.

OC gave you very real advice and I am going to piggy-back on it.

Radical Acceptance - you do not accept who she is based on this comment.  She has a mental illness that shows itself in these very ways you describe.   

If you do not have the ability (no judgement) to love her unconditionally, then you are not truly being a partner to her, are you?  If you love her & yourself, can you see how letting go is the best for you both if you are not able to radically accept the situation as it is?

Peace,
SB

[Chaosanity]

Yep.  I see that clear as a bell.  My acceptance comes after triggers and requires a little period to sink in.  I could say that isn't true acceptance, but at the same time, to have boundaries requires not accepting some things.  I do not handle this properly though.  I have improved significantly but it seems not as quickly as the negative components build up on her side of perspective.

Really, what you say is right on the money.  Thank you, my friends, for making me see better with your insight and honesty.  I've been needing to post for some time.  Posting helped me through a divorce almost 4 years ago.  The help was seriously priceless. 

[o2bz14u]

Meaning, she isn't ever going to help the process of making things work out, nor will she help the process of breaking things off.  It's 100% up to me to do what is best for both of us.

I just had another "lightbulb moment".

I so often wondered why, if he seemed to be so unhappy with me, that he did not just break it off and leave.  Why stick around raging and complaining about me and everything surrounding me? Just leave the relationship. Find someone else who suits his needs better. There were times, (after one of his rages over nothing), when I felt relieved that it was finally "over" and I could concentrate on getting my life back. But nooooooooooooo, he would contact me again and act like nothing ever happened.  Almost amnesia-like. This sort of thing would actually make me doubt the severity of his outbursts. Maybe I was just being "too sensitive" again.


I have read that they tend to 'recycle' relationships and I am secretly hoping he gets back with one of his exes who for some reason continually call him to chat or impart some news or gossip. (Of course I am not allowed to have any contact with exes.)


Right now I am in NC after another one of his rages and unfounded accusations after I had to work late overtime. He doesn't believe I had to work late and accused me of "going out with my new friends/co-workers after work for a couple hours". Really! Even if I did go out after work (which I did not) I have a right to do that. I haven't been with any social contact on my own ever (except maybe once or twice in three years and I paid dearly for that) since we have been going out. I am just so sick of this. He actually called me yesterday after a week of NC and left a VM asking in a pitifull voice "where he stands" and saying he has a right to an explanation for my sudden NC. - like he can't figure it out and he is confused. Do they not remember their rages?

Thank you for this lightbulb moment. He is not going to break it off with me. I have to do it. I have to stop assuming after one of his hateful fits that he is done with me finally and this whole nightmare will fade away.

My next step is to not become frightened and fearful when he starts using raging, threats, and fear tactics to rope me back in.  I've crumbled before. Right now I am immune to his promises to change. I won't fall for that]/b] again (and again) (and again). My biggest fear is he will make good on some of his threats to harm me if I leave him. I thank my lucky stars that I never let him move in with me. That alone will make it a bit easier even if he does start stalking me.