Is this what the hater phase looks like?

[Think About It...]

BTW lucky... I'm already asking myself what did I ever see in this guy?  When I reread my posts that's exactly what I'm thinking, I must have been crazy to think this is the best I could do! 

[SHolloway]

BTW lucky... I'm already asking myself what did I ever see in this guy?  When I reread my posts that's exactly what I'm thinking, I must have been crazy to think this is the best I could do! 

[SHolloway]

lucky, one more question...  ?, you've mentioned a couple of times that I need to be prepared for when I leave and how it's probably going to end on the wrong note, can you elaborate?  Thank you, thank you!

[bb12]

I have a hunch - don't know if it's true, though - that BPDs who enter the so-called hater phase are the ones who would LIKE to move on to a new host, but for some reason can't (no fitting subjects available, etc.) and therefore are forced to stay with their current host due to fear of being alone, even though the current host no longer meets their perceived needs.

I agree with this. Mine ignored me when he had new supply. Came back to idealisation type behaviour when they dumped him. But this moved to hate fairly quickly...probably because of the frustration he felt at being so reliant on me for validation but not wanting to be. When he found more stable supply, he discarded me ruthlessly...just as i was coming to believe we might be friends. The hater phase definitely seemed to be full of frustration more than anything else.

Bb12

[SHolloway]

Hi bb12, he certainly was quick to discard me when his wife found out about us and I had a month prior to our break-up told him I was going to have to move out of state to be near my parents. So even though he was saying he wanted to be with me and was moving us toward that, after I told him I was leaving I felt him pulling away more and more and then she found out and the rest is history.  My T has said that his wife represents security to him, even though their marriage has been tumultuous, I represented a huge risk, so to him there was no choice.  I remember asking him at one point after we broke up if it was because I was moving away that he chose to stay in his marriage, he answered very quickly no.  He definitely seems to be becoming more and more frustrated as you describe and I feel he's angry at me, the way he stares at me, etc.   lucky mentioned a couple of times that he believes I need to protect myself, that this could be heading for a very bad ending, maybe some of you, along with lucky hopefully as well, can give me your thoughts on this, I'm feeling a little uneasy.  Thanks bb12!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[luckystrikes]

okay, well, i didnt intend to terrify you or anything

just from everything i gather, theres no such thing as a happy ending, let alone a civil ending with a pwBPD. you can always expect them to go out with a bang. so i didnt really mean anything specific. just that you can expect negative treatment of you to ratchet up.

and then on the other hand, i have made the mistake several times in my life, of underestimating another persons potential to hurt me. i never for the life of me could have imagined what happened with my ex. on top of that, i met a new girl a few months ago, who was full of red flags, and once again, i underestimated the ability to hurt me. its there. thats really all i mean. its POSSIBLE this person may go off and pull something that will hurt you greatly. it could just be an annoying matter of time, then youre free of him. no way of knowing. just be prepared.

again, its not out of the ordinary that this guy didnt rage at you. im not a doctor, but theres no rule that says to be a pwBPD you must have consistently raged at your partner.

your therapist has the right ideas. i noticed earlier that you mentioned she was teaching you to think of this as a death. that works for some people. it certainly feels a lot like it. much of the healing process, i think, involves reframing troubling thoughts that keep us stuck, in less painful ways. as such it wouldnt have helped me personally to see my ex as dead. because it was seeing any sign of life from her that shook me. it was more like she was the living dead. so that wasnt a way in which i could comfortably see it. but what works for you, great. it is true that he, as you know him, is essentially dead, in the manner she put it. i dont think that thought is quite as painful.

[SHolloway]

Thanks lucky, I'm glad you clarified!  There have been so many times that I've thought he would NEVER do that to me, only to have him turn around and do just that! I've wanted so many times to leave things in a good place, a friendly place, however if I'm being honest with myself that is absolutely not possible, that's me trying to bargain in the grieving process.  Part of the reason we can never be friends is because he is married and I will never go backwards again, I am respectful of their commitment, but the other reason it can never be friendly again is because it's not possible with this illness, once you are out of their lives, you're out.  And if you are back in again at some point, it's not real.  I've been reading so many of the posts today and so many talk about how sad it is missing the person that we once had, even if it wasn't healthy.  There were good times for all of us here, otherwise we wouldn't be as devastated and hurt as we are, we wouldn't be here.  But my T is right, the man I knew and loved is no longer here, he probably only existed because he was giving me what he thought I wanted.  This most likely is the real man that always was that's shown up now and I don't know him.  So as dramatic as it sounds, he has to no longer exist for me.  Thanks for responding again lucky, I will stay alert and not allow myself to get close to him, thankfully it's almost time for me to leave and it will no longer be an issue.   

[34broken]

Faith... i have read your post a.few times. I will add.it to my NC aresenal.

I just feel I could break down at any moment. Just got to fig this out.

[SHolloway]

34broken, I feel so much for you, you are hurting.  If it helps you don't have to figure it all out yet, one of the posters on your thread said it really well, treat it like an addiction, you are going through withdrawal, get through this hour right now, then through the night, then work on tomorrow.  I've been going through a rough few days as well, you can see that from my posts also.  Something that I didn't mention and I'm actually ashamed of is that I left him a phone message at work on Sunday (Easter).  I had just left church, I was feeling really happy and I wanted to tell him Happy Easter and that I hoped we could get past the negative feelings that have developed.  I haven't heard a thing and now I'm just angry at myself that I slipped.  I look like the desperate one now and he's got the power once again.  That's why I wanted lucky to tell me what he thought about it going to a bad place, I'm actually worried that now I've opened a can of worms.  The thing is with these relationships nothing is normal and we can't treat it as such.  There is no way possible to be friends with them or to even be in a friendly place, the manipulation/control always takes over and messes with our minds.  Please keep posting, we are all here, I'm not tired and will keep checking if you want to talk.