Letting go of past discrepancies...

[Think About It...]

How do i do it? 

Here's what i need to get past (in a nutshell). 

During the first go around she...cheated, lied, stole, manipulted, abused, brainwashed, destroyed my property and then ended up having a son with the man that she was having the affair with. 

She found therapy on her own while we were apart.  She found some awareness that things were messed up and looked for answers. 

I set a boundary that i would give "us" another shot if she continued therapy. 

We've been together off and on for the better part of two years. And it's difficult.  Not all her, not all me. 

that being said i've noticed that i have a hard time with letting go of the past.  Not being able to give her credit for the strides she's made towards living a more healthy life.  But, i also tend to perceive a lot of her behavior as patterns of old behavior and question whether or not she's up to something.
For instance...i drink beer.  Have for a long time. She knows this.  When we got together it wasn't a big deal and when we got back together nothing was said.  Now,  just like before,  it's an issue.  She jabs or passively tries to change that about me. One,  i don't like that she wants to change me; two it feels like deflection.  In the past when this became such a hot topic...she was up to no good.  Of course now that this has suddenly taken a priority role in our RS i kinda feel like she's back to covering up something. 
I don't know if it's me, if it's her,  if it's nothing,  but these types of situations i just can't let go of.  It's constant...what if she's back to doing it again?  We're looking at houses and that's when all hell broke loose last time.


Let me know your thoughts,

Left

[left4good]

How do i do it? 

Here's what i need to get past (in a nutshell). 

During the first go around she...cheated, lied, stole, manipulted, abused, brainwashed, destroyed my property and then ended up having a son with the man that she was having the affair with. 

She found therapy on her own while we were apart.  She found some awareness that things were messed up and looked for answers. 

I set a boundary that i would give "us" another shot if she continued therapy. 

We've been together off and on for the better part of two years. And it's difficult.  Not all her, not all me. 

that being said i've noticed that i have a hard time with letting go of the past.  Not being able to give her credit for the strides she's made towards living a more healthy life.  But, i also tend to perceive a lot of her behavior as patterns of old behavior and question whether or not she's up to something.
For instance...i drink beer.  Have for a long time. She knows this.  When we got together it wasn't a big deal and when we got back together nothing was said.  Now,  just like before,  it's an issue.  She jabs or passively tries to change that about me. One,  i don't like that she wants to change me; two it feels like deflection.  In the past when this became such a hot topic...she was up to no good.  Of course now that this has suddenly taken a priority role in our RS i kinda feel like she's back to covering up something. 
I don't know if it's me, if it's her,  if it's nothing,  but these types of situations i just can't let go of.  It's constant...what if she's back to doing it again?  We're looking at houses and that's when all hell broke loose last time.


Let me know your thoughts,

Left

[artman.1]

I have been married to my UBPDW for 43.7 Years.  She stopped all her part of Intimacy about 40 years ago, and she stopped allowing me to initiate Intimacy 35+ years ago, and continues to refuse almost all Intimacy.  She cheated on me about 36 years ago, and we reconciled, as we had three sons at the time ages 3, 4, & 5 years old.  I discovered that I am Codependent, and she is BPD in January 2011.  I have been studying BPD, and working on my Codependence ever since.  I established a boundry, and stopped rages last spring.  I have joined CODA (Codependents Anonymous) and working on me very hard.  My UBPDW remains in denial, and I have never told her of her BPD.  She was DX'd as Bipolar about 20 years ago.  Our Relationship has been improving ever since I started working on me.  Now, she will usually allow me to give her a hug, although she leaves her arms just hanging down at her sides.  This is a great improvement.  We are going to Aquarobics twice weekly, and she goes to a workout session nearly daily.  This is really improving our lives.  I have never cheated, and she is my one and only woman in my life.  Our RS has been improving to the level, that I may be able to live with us as is very soon.
     I do hope I have given you some encouraging information with my experiences here.

Art

[Wrongturn1]

Left4good,

Beer lovers unite!  I drink beer too…and brew it…and read about it…and talk about it with other been enthusiasts.  I even wrote a blues song about beer once.  For me, that would be a boundary:  “I drink beer.”  If my uBPDw were to attempt to force me to stop drinking beer, I would not comply.*  As nons, we often sacrifice parts of ourselves on the unquenchable altar of BPD, so we must resist the temptation to take the path of least resistance if we want to retain our identities. 

I realize that beer was not the main point of your post, so I’ll try to get on track here.  Sounds like your lack of trust in your SO is causing you a lot of emotional trauma right now.  It sounds like you’re on the fence about trusting her.  I view trust more as a decision than a feeling.  There’s probably nothing that she can actually do to “prove” that she is trustworthy, so it is up to you to decide whether or not to trust her… and then whether or not it is worthwhile for you to stay in the relationship based in part on the presence or absence of that trust. 

Spending a lot of time and brain space worrying about whether she is trustworthy might not be productive for you.  Sounds like you may be dealing with some triggers that were created by the pain of the way she treated you in the past (which it sounds that she treated you horrendously , btw… you are a very forgiving person to give her another chance), so it might be worth thinking about whether your current situation is a case of those triggers bringing back pain from the past or if there is actually something occurring in the present to be concerned about.

* Footnote: I have voluntarily stopped drinking beer in the past during periods when uBPDw was abstaining from alcohol because she has problems controlling her drinking, which impacts her weight and has cascading effects from there.  Those periods have never lasted more than a couple of weeks b/c she does not possess the impulse control to abstain for very long.  And I’ve observed carefully, and I do not believe she is an alcoholic since she does not drink in the quantities that an alcoholic would – it really seems to be a lack of executive function more than anything else, although I could be fooling myself on this.

[needbpdhelp]

Some questions -

Is she still in therapy?

Does she complain about your behavior when you drink?


If she still is in therapy, you might want to check out some of the lessons on this site about making changes yourself. We all could use some. and if your wife is frustrated, and thinking about cheating, changes in your own behavior could assist her in her therapy success.

True forgiveness is hard. Your boundary was for her to continue therapy, but personal boundaries are as much for our own behavior toward others as theirs toward us. Forgiveness for her past behavior will help you as much as her, and you owe it to her. Taking her back, and not letting go of the past has to very painful I'm sure, for both of you. Check out the DBT concepts of mindful thinking, radical acceptance, and empathy. They sound easy, but take a lot of understanding and practice. Good luck l4g! - not fourteen g

needBPDhelp

[CaptainM]

I set a boundary that i would give "us" another shot if she continued therapy. 

Remember, our values and the boundaries of those values aren't about someone else. They are about how we choose to live our lives. - taken straight from the Boundaries workshop. Be careful that you're setting boundaries and not imposing rules that you have no control over (ie telling her she has to be in therapy).

that being said i've noticed that i have a hard time with letting go of the past.  Not being able to give her credit for the strides she's made towards living a more healthy life.  But, i also tend to perceive a lot of her behavior as patterns of old behavior and question whether or not she's up to something.

She broke your trust previously and now you find it very hard to re-establish that trust. I absolutely get that - I was the same. But it seems that you're coming to the same realisation that I did...that you have chosen to enter back into this relationship and that your mistrust and cynicism is only causing you grief and holding you back.

You know that if you let go of those feelings you're not telling her "What you did was okay." you're just saying to yourself that you want to move on and give this another shot. You're moving on for you, not for her. Now that you've come to the point where your mistrust isn't helping you but it's actually causing you and your relationship grief, do you feel like you could be ready to move on from it (or do you feel like it's there for a reason)?

[left4good]

first of all...thanks to all of the responses.  Each one was spot on in it's own right. 

I believe my emotions are both triggered and reality.  Maybe it's skewed rationalization or over analysis on my part.  What i noticed with her while going through the first two years were overwhelming patterns.  This lead to that,  that would start this going and so on.  Once i caught on i could gauge where she was headed whether it be good days,  bad days, cheating, lying...whatever.  So fast forward to today and me having those patterns implanted in my head i sit and ask myself..."Ok,  she's in therapy and truly aware of who she is...and working on it."  "If that's the case,  how can she still display these patterned actions from the past,  but not be doing anything wrong?"  That's where i get stuck.  I forgive her.  Hell i spend more time with her son then his own father and we get along great.  My other children accept him as their own family.  I truly forgive her for that stuff.  But i can't overlook the locked phone or "my phone died" (when she doesn't text for awhile) or whatever.  All of those things that i was right about before are still there seemingly without the reckless, immoral behavior.  How does that happen and how am i supposed to not let that trigger me?  It feels like for every step i take forward with "just let it be" i get gut punched with "there she goes again".   

She's in therapy for the second time.  She had legitimate schedule and financial issues for awhile,  but realized that she doesn't do well handling all of her stuff on her own and made the effort to get back to it. 

Wrongturn i know all too well about losing myself to BPD.  To this day i'm still searching for myself and learning who i am.  I was isolated to the 100th degree the first go around.  I am stubborn to letting that happen again.  And...that seems to be a source of contention.  "You can go do whatever you want Left."  So i do..."where'd you go,  who was there,  how many beers?"

NBH, she finds things to complain about.  In my opinion.  I drink a couple to 4 beers a night.  Generally after my children are laying down for bed.  Either watching some tv or cleaning up the house,  whatever.  She just doesn't think i should be drinking that much or right before i go to bed.  As far as my behavior...she brings up an instance where i was a little more "mouthy" than normal and it must've been the beer.  One conversation after a beer and i didn't agree with her opinion and now the beer is affecting my attitude.  This is all my side of the story of course.  But we must understand that my beer drinking hasn't come into question for the two years we have been back together.  Only after the idea was placed on the table that we should live together and that stress started affecting her did she start nitpicking my life.  I don't think your house is clean enough,  you dress the kids weird,  you drink too much...

I absolutely have work to do on me.  I'm very stubborn in my thinking towards this BPD stuff.  I don't feel like her cheating and lying and everything else is my fault so i don't think it's my place to coddle her.  If i see something that reminds me of BPD or her past ways...I let her know even if that includes saying something about how she's doing the same things that she did when she was plotting how she could meet up with her boyfiriend. 

I dunno.  On one hand i like to be able to be honest with her and talk about our behavior on the other hand a lot of this feels like tactic change and she's starting all over again.

Left

[needbpdhelp]

NBH, she finds things to complain about.  In my opinion.  I drink a couple to 4 beers a night.  Generally after my children are laying down for bed.  Either watching some tv or cleaning up the house,  whatever.  She just doesn't think i should be drinking that much or right before i go to bed.  As far as my behavior...she brings up an instance where i was a little more "mouthy" than normal and it must've been the beer. 

On this site you will learn that you are the only one you can fix, so maybe now would be a good time to work on that idea. All of the successes here have been based on that truth, and the nons who have backed off and started changes in themselves, seem to be the ones who have noticed positive changes in their SOs.

In some states 4 beers will get you a DUI, so imagine how it will affect a very emotionally sensitive partner, especially when there is a lot of tension in the r/s - just think about it. I'm on the other end of this, and when my wife drinks at all, things can go haywire really fast, and as you know the person drinking often can't see their own  behaviors clearly.

Mindful thinking is a great tool here, and it can help you see things from her perspective.

needBPDhelp

Good luck

[artman.1]

 left4good,     You would be very well helped if you could find help, and knowledge.  READ Codependent no More, by Melody Beattie.  See if this fits.  If yes, then think about joining CODA (Codependents Anonymous).  I attend CODA meetings weekly, and they are very helpful.  It is a 12 step program and really is a very good woy to work on yourself.  She may be in Therapy, but You must catch up with her.  Ask Seph about this.  Codependency is not a mental illness like BPD, but is a learned behavior that usually begins in childhood, caretaking for a disfunctional adult, like a substance abuser, or Alcoholic.  The behaviors can be unlearned, and replaced with healthy behaviors.  Mostly BPD's seem to hook up with Codependents, because they are so needy, and codependents need to fix and caretake.

Art