Do you have an "imaginary" closure conversation with your ex?

[Think About It...]

So I had these *conversations* for a long time and they were as complicated as my relationship.  It kept me stuck and ruminating.  My need for closure and validation from a person who clearly was never going to be able to give that haunted me.

I wanted answers from someone who couldn't provide answers for himself, much less me.  

So do you have those *imaginary conversations*?  How have you handled it?

If you were forced to limit that conversation to these six feelings (Love, Joy, Surprise, Anger, Sadness and Fear) words and six statements (no questions) what would you have said to gain closure?

-GM

 

[GreenMango]

So I had these *conversations* for a long time and they were as complicated as my relationship.  It kept me stuck and ruminating.  My need for closure and validation from a person who clearly was never going to be able to give that haunted me.

I wanted answers from someone who couldn't provide answers for himself, much less me.  

So do you have those *imaginary conversations*?  How have you handled it?

If you were forced to limit that conversation to these six feelings (Love, Joy, Surprise, Anger, Sadness and Fear) words and six statements (no questions) what would you have said to gain closure?

-GM

 

[harlemgurl]

Love: A year out I can honestly say that yes I did and still do love my BPDexbf and that I believe in my heart that he loved me as much as a person with BPD could. I was unaware of how damaged and how sick he truly was. I also know that you can love someone and make the conscious decision to not have them in your life. The more you fight the fact that you loved them the more the pain of loving them hurts. I've truly accepted that yes; I loved a disordered abusive man.

Joy: My BPDexbf was pure emotional misery and tried to bring me down to his level of unhappiness by trying to either sabotage or steal my joy with his projection, controlling ways and gas-lighting tactics. Although I had a traumatic childhood I still had a "self" and my BPDexbf was very envious of it. I now find joy in giving myself the same things that I wanted to pour into my ex: validation, nurturing, forgiveness and love.

Surprise: I never believed for one second that my relationship with my ex would end so abruptly and destructively. I was truly naive to the low depths of human cruelty. I'm also surprised by the amount of unfinished business from childhood I carried inside. The breakup with my ex uprooted the painful memories that I wanted to keep buried.

Anger: I was so angry at my BPDexbf that I actually had a couple of days where I wished he would dropped dead. My anger was palpable and two fold; not only was I shattered by his emotionally sick maladaptive coping mechanism (impulsive cheating, lying, entitlement); but he also ripped off the scabs of my repressed emotionally invalidating childhood. My hurt was layered and I hated him for making me have to face pain that I've avoided my entire life.

Sadness: The scab ripping revealed my deep profound sadness from not being emotionally validated and nurtured by my Narcissistic mother. I'm also saddened by the love that I believed my ex and I could've had and how BPD took that from me.

Fear: My fear is that I will never understand or be able to accept healthy love. Healthy love sounds good; on paper. But will I ever have passion like what I had with my ex?

These are the conversations I've repeated in my head over the last year. I no longer fight my feelings of having loved someone who abused me emotionally, mentally, and physically. In many ways my ex was the best thing to ever happen to me. I ruminate some days still; and I've accepted that closure is an attainable goal that will happen in its own time.

HF

[BentNotBroken]

Umm, does cursing at her selfish bs while I am in the car by myself count? I held my tongue for 15 years. I just can't help it anymore, it just comes out, usually on the drive home after spending time with my son, who is temporarily her emotional and physical hostage.

I'm realizing that the only conversations we ever had about self-improvement were in the first year or so. After that, it was always about how I needed to do more for her. Always more. If I brought up anything about her that I did not like, there was crying, rage, and horrible accusations leveled against me. She was like a ticking time bomb from the very beginning. I guess I didn't give it too much weight, because I thought she was working through old issues. It never got better, it just got worse.

Once I finally realized it was BPD, I also realized shortly after that there is no reasoning with her. That pretty much put an end to planning out strategy for reasoning with her.

I keep having to remind myself this: You can't reason with a mentally ill person. Even if she seems lucid, she is still unable to use logic in personal relationship matters.

And it sounds like you are trying to cheat on your therapy homework.

[SHolloway]

Hi GreenMango, I like this one!  Here's my dream closure conversation, it would go something like this...

I FEAR I have some things to tell you that may bring you a bit of SADNESS.  You may be SURPRISED to hear that I'm no longer ANGRY with you, in fact I have found great JOY with the man who is about to be my husband, the actual LOVE of my life! 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[SHolloway]

I hope it was alright to find the humor in my previous post, I don't want to take away from the seriousness of the topic. My actual "closure" conversation ended up being really disappointing to say the least, he as usual had all the power and I was left feeling that I had no further answers than when we started.  So I've imagined a conversation many times where I'm the one whose found love and has moved on to a happy life.  I thought I'd try to highlight that in a light way.  Thank you for this great topic!

[GreenMango]

Faith,

The humor is great. And I agree being able to say to yourself you can be happy or happier with someone else is the best thing.

GM
 
PS @Bent thanks for helping with my therapy homework...  ;p  

[seeking balance]

Love this thread topic GM 

I had hours of conversations - I mean hours because I did a lot of it when I was training for the 3Day Walk for the Cure...I am rather sure sometimes I actually would blurt a sentence out loud ...and I did get a few odd looks...

Love:
I love you and will always love you.  I meant my wedding vows and even when I said you had to move out and walked out on our final MC, I still loved you. 

Joy:
Building our life, our home - brought me pure joy.  The bad parts, do not take away from these joyful memories.

Surprise:
I am surprised to find out you didn't stop the affair and started a new one while we were still in MC.  I genuinely believed you when you said you didn't.  I was surprised when I read your journals (sorry for the violation of privacy) to find that when we got together you were actually still with the last person and pursing someone else as well as me.

Anger:
I have never felt such rage - I could not understand why you were destroying our lives...I hated you for that.

Sadness:
The life that we said we both wanted, we don't get.  My heart is broken that as soon as things were stable (home, adoption, families)...all hell really broke loose.  I did want to grow old with you - you were my best friend longer than you were my worst enemy - I am sad to have lost my best friend.

Fear:
I won't love like this again...I am afraid that if I start to that I will assume they are mentally ill now too.

[GreenMango]

And it sounds like you are trying to cheat on your therapy homework.

Nope but I am trying to make sure I wasn't the only one having these crazy talks in my head and like Seeking Balance mentioned blurting out stuff to the shock of those around me...safety in numbers here and a sanity check.

Umm, does cursing at her selfish bs while I am in the car by myself count? I held my tongue for 15 years. I just can't help it anymore, it just comes out, usually on the drive home after spending time with my son, who is temporarily her emotional and physical hostage.

Driving and having those conversations totally counts and so does cursing and spitting...I spent a four hour car ride thinking of my never ending opus of an imaginary conversation.

So you wanna break it down?  You started to then stopped...it's ok if you don't and it's a little too raw right now.


@HarlemFreedom Thank you for sharing and starting us out.  Your words are touching.
@SeekingBalance Thanks for hopping in...I know that rage I scared myself with it.  Your words brought tears to my eyes.    

[oletimefeelin]

I have these less and less.  For whatever reason they happen most often in the shower and in the car.  At first, they were 90/10 angry conversations to happy ones.  More recently if they've happened, it's been me spontaneously trying explain some things to her.

I had a long flight home Saturday afternoon.  It was a short trip for work, but ultimately a lot of fun.  I kept thinking of her as I strolled through the airport.  So somewhere mid-flight I decided to pen a "letting go of you" letter.  If it were only that easy, it only made me realize how much I am still holding on to. 

Last night I had a dream about her.  Maybe she's hanging on for dear life before the inevitable kicking to the curb.  Nonetheless, I have these conversations.  Occasionally, I walk up where it's like mid-conversation.  Good to hear I am not the only one talking to myself.

[pinupprincess]

Love: A year out I can honestly say that yes I did and still do love my BPDexbf and that I believe in my heart that he loved me as much as a person with BPD could. I was unaware of how damaged and how sick he truly was. I also know that you can love someone and make the conscious decision to not have them in your life. The more you fight the fact that you loved them the more the pain of loving them hurts. I've truly accepted that yes; I loved a disordered abusive man.

Joy: My BPDexbf was pure emotional misery and tried to bring me down to his level of unhappiness by trying to either sabotage or steal my joy with his projection, controlling ways and gas-lighting tactics. Although I had a traumatic childhood I still had a "self" and my BPDexbf was very envious of it. I now find joy in giving myself the same things that I wanted to pour into my ex: validation, nurturing, forgiveness and love.

Surprise: I never believed for one second that my relationship with my ex would end so abruptly and destructively. I was truly naive to the low depths of human cruelty. I'm also surprised by the amount of unfinished business from childhood I carried inside. The breakup with my ex uprooted the painful memories that I wanted to keep buried.

Anger: I was so angry at my BPDexbf that I actually had a couple of days where I wished he would dropped dead. My anger was palpable and two fold; not only was I shattered by his emotionally sick maladaptive coping mechanism (impulsive cheating, lying, entitlement); but he also ripped off the scabs of my repressed emotionally invalidating childhood. My hurt was layered and I hated him for making me have to face pain that I've avoided my entire life.

Sadness: The scab ripping revealed my deep profound sadness from not being emotionally validated and nurtured by my Narcissistic mother. I'm also saddened by the love that I believed my ex and I could've had and how BPD took that from me.

Fear: My fear is that I will never understand or be able to accept healthy love. Healthy love sounds good; on paper. But will I ever have passion like what I had with my ex?

These are the conversations I've repeated in my head over the last year. I no longer fight my feelings of having loved someone who abused me emotionally, mentally, and physically. In many ways my ex was the best thing to ever happen to me. I ruminate some days still; and I've accepted that closure is an attainable goal that will happen in its own time.

HF

Couldnt have said it better myself!

[ellil]

So I had these *conversations* for a long time and they were as complicated as my relationship.  It kept me stuck and ruminating.  My need for closure and validation from a person who clearly was never going to be able to give that haunted me.

I wanted answers from someone who couldn't provide answers for himself, much less me.  

So do you have those *imaginary conversations*?  How have you handled it?

If you were forced to limit that conversation to these six feelings (Love, Joy, Surprise, Anger, Sadness and Fear) words and six statements (no questions) what would you have said to gain closure?

-GM

 

Oh, good thread topic! Boy did I have those conversations, only I think it didn't keep me stuck or ruminating. It helped me "talk through" things and work it out intellectually. I think I did it so much it just exhausted me, which is the point at which I get closure.

I also distinctly remember being in an elevator with no one on it and me saying some things out loud!

Love Thanks to you (him), I know I can love another human being and share an intimate (not intense) r/s.

Joy I am grateful that I can feel joy and it be real and not phoney.

Surprise I am surprised at the level of disorder, the magnitude and permanency of it, that can happen to people. I just never knew.

Anger  I am angry that this is so prevalent and stigma prevents people from seeking treatment because of the label. I am angry that you (he) won't accept he has BPD and tell his psychiatrist. I am angry at his psychiatrist for simply writing a prescription every month instead of helping you (him).

Sadness I am sad that you (he) will never be well. All other things about him were wonderful, but sadly, this could not be overcome.

Fear I am fearful that I am being overly confident and "puffed up" in that I really don't have any fears. I didn't much have them during or after the r/s. I don't know why except maybe not taking responsibility for my part in the r/s until recently.

M

[magwitch]

So do you have those *imaginary conversations*?  How have you handled it?

For me, I have found that writing in a journal helps me to get some of the emotions out so I do not ruminate on them. I have never been very good at writing in a journal on a regular basis. During the last couple of months when I found myself ruminating on something I would sit down at the computer and write my feelings. This usually stops the ruminating for me. I find the writing process helps me to sort my feelings in a way I cannot seem to do in my mind alone.

Love: The divorce is only final for less that two weeks for me. But I can honestly say I loved my xUBPDw. Still do to some extent.

Joy: Joy. I do not really feel a lot of joy at the moment. I am happy it is over but it is hard to have joy when something that just ended you once believed the sky was the limit.

Suprise: I am surprised at how hard and easy the whole process has been. Hard - I once thought not that long ago that divorce would destroy me that I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally. Easy - I have come to realize just how strong we are and that we are able to handle way more than we give ourselves credit for if we will only just keeping moving one step at a time each day.

Anger: I have never been an angry person and do not generally hold onto anger for very long. However, this process has taught me a lot about anger and that I am capable of being angry and holding onto anger. This has taught me what the consequence of holding anger can do to a person. I started feeling very bitter toward my xUBPDw. I decided at some point I did not like this feeling and decided to let it go one day at a time. I still have moments of anger but they are getting easier to let go. Today, I do not hold any ill will toward her. I simply hope for the best for her while knowing that unless she gets some help the best will not be very good for her.

Sadness: I am generally no longer sad about the loss of this marriage. Again, I have moments of sadness but they are getting easier to manage. Much of my sadness is for my children who will miss out on having the kind of Mother that I had.

Fear: Fear is what bothers me the most at the moment. Despite having a signed parenting plan that gives me primary custody I am afraid she is somehow scheming to somehow change this. I know that even if she is she does not have the resources today to force a change. I know I need to relax and try to enjoy the moments I have with my kids since they have been a real bright spot for me through all of this!

[luckystrikes]

love: i have come to realize i did not love my ex. the relationship did not meet my standards of love. my feelings were more based on the familiar dynamic. i dont see my ex as the person that i was with, that was temporary. therefore, how could i have loved her? but i will say it was by far the closest ive ever been. i did love my ex, i was not in love with my ex as i believed. i loved her much like a child. when the relationship ended, it gave me the image of a family who has raised a little girl, showered her with love and affection, and she spites them, and runs away to live with her evil toxic mother, or something. that was the sense of betrayal.

joy: this is foreign. i dont know how long its been since i felt any kind of consistent sense of joy. not saying i dont ever enjoy myself or have fun. im a long way from fully recovering, and building the life i want to build. that will bring me joy.

surprise: well, this would pretty much sum it all up. surprise at the nature of the ending, and the extent she went to deliberately hurt me. surprised i believe she likely cheated, if not repeatedly. surprised by this board and all of the knowledge. its a lot more than just a list of symptoms. all these tiny little things, seeming coincidences, behaviors, etc, are all documented extensively, and total strangers can tell you all about your relationship. i thought i knew myself pretty well, as im an introvert. this is just a whole nother ball game.

anger: im a little weird with anger. i can be overly bothered by things. i often feel when there is a confrontation, i look at myself and wanta say something like relax dude! play it cool  im also the type to look back at arguments and wish id performed better, you know, the whole thinking of the perfect come back 5 minutes later kind of thing. when im angry, but i dont feel my anger is legitimate, i try really hard to hide it, but i come off as very pouty, and you can tell somethings wrong. i do not like that about myself. all that said, i think im pretty normal. i dont have any problem feeling anger. but im also not very anger prone. i think perhaps i was more so growing up. i mean, it takes a lot to REALLY piss me off. and there are only two people i can recall ever being able to push my buttons and make me lose control, that being my dad and my ex. but the worst thing were talking about is punching a hole in a wall. im not violent, i wont even kill bugs. there was no shortage of anger while i was with my ex, and i always expressed it. i dont kick myself for losing my temper. i accept responsibility, but i know anyone would snap under such pressure. i wish anger had at times been more present in my recovery. at the beginning of it all, she was on a pedestal. like some cruel temptress. perhaps the angriest i was was when she used my debit card for two purchases totaling 140 bucks (post relationship, to get back at me). i was steaming. though by the end of the night i was crying like a baby over the betrayal. after a few months i was having a pretty hard time with cyber peeking. i wouldnt allow myself to check her facebook, but id type her name in the bar, and look at her profile picture, and it would just send me in a tailspin every time. i couldnt understand why, when i was previously thrilled to have her out of my hair for any period of time, and didnt have to talk to her, why now was i obsessing over what she was up to? i tried writing 'the list', and that pretty much nipped it in the bud. conjured up real feelings of anger, and kind of centered me. i suddenly felt above it all, and above doing things like peeking at this person. anger comes sometimes, not so much lately. and its nothing major. the other element is that learning about the disorder necessarily removed a lot of my anger, as i learned this was all very typical, and that it wasnt personal. before that, i tried as hard as i could to hate her, and it just wouldnt last me.

sadness: what harlemgurl touched on. i dont miss my ex. and really, i have a fair amount of trouble remembering any good times. but sometimes i do think about our connection, what we had, what we could have had if it were not for BPD, and thats a sad thought to me. that this had to be. i feel somewhat sad being likely the only person ever in her life who has a clue what the real issue is, and she will most likely never know. sometimes i do imagine myself hypothetically telling her 'the truth', about BPD. im not troubled over the idea that ill likely never see or communicate with her again, but the idea is still a sad thought. the sudden, finality of it all.

fear: well, when fear began it was all self doubt, and not knowing what i was dealing with. i assumed we would wind up back together. i feared that we wouldnt. i feared the idea of distance, of time apart. the ending of the movie and book 'It', where the guys describes their memories all fading now, and forgetting each other. those sorts of thoughts pained me to death. the idea that i was letting our love die, going into somewhat of a 'brain washing' process myself, where id emerge with very different feelings. that all happened. im there. ill never feel that way again toward her. now im dealing with the fear of seeming to be unable to change my patterns, and still drawn to unhealthy girls, as well as fearing that im not far enough along in terms of where id like to be, and that time is still moving without me. time. you could say i fear time on some level.

[GreenMango]

@magwitch,
Your idea for a journal expressing your feelings sounds like a good way to deal with the emotions.  This in particular was very poinant:

I find the writing process helps me to sort my feelings in a way I cannot seem to do in my mind alone.

When I was exiting the relationship I found that I had let go of the beneficial coping skills, like my drawing journal. 

@luckystrikes
That you so much for sharing your feelings.  It's surprising that the relationship can bring up such complex feelings for us.  Your expression about fearing time is well put.

[luckystrikes]

thanks gm. i also want to second what magwitch said. writing can be one of the absolute best forms of therapy, especially in this case. i write a lot of prose, but id been unable to complete anything since 2005. i knew it would come with the demise of the relationship, and boy has it. i think that this process really vents my anger, and need for "revenge" or "justice". and it really says my say, in a very satisfying way, that i otherwise cant achieve.

[GreenMango]

Oh, good thread topic! Boy did I have those conversations, only I think it didn't keep me stuck or ruminating. It helped me "talk through" things and work it out intellectually. I think I did it so much it just exhausted me, which is the point at which I get closure.

I also distinctly remember being in an elevator with no one on it and me saying some things out loud!

Love Thanks to you (him), I know I can love another human being and share an intimate (not intense) r/s.

Joy I am grateful that I can feel joy and it be real and not phoney.

Surprise I am surprised at the level of disorder, the magnitude and permanency of it, that can happen to people. I just never knew.

Anger  I am angry that this is so prevalent and stigma prevents people from seeking treatment because of the label. I am angry that you (he) won't accept he has BPD and tell his psychiatrist. I am angry at his psychiatrist for simply writing a prescription every month instead of helping you (him).

Sadness I am sad that you (he) will never be well. All other things about him were wonderful, but sadly, this could not be overcome.

Fear I am fearful that I am being overly confident and "puffed up" in that I really don't have any fears. I didn't much have them during or after the r/s. I don't know why except maybe not taking responsibility for my part in the r/s until recently.

M

It sounds like your journey and feelings have evolved to the point where you are seeing the silver lining.  It takes a lot of work...how did you find that sense of closure?  Was it acceptance?

[ellil]

It sounds like your journey and feelings have evolved to the point where you are seeing the silver lining.  It takes a lot of work...how did you find that sense of closure?  Was it acceptance?

Yes, closure came with acceptance:

It was acceptance but not acceptance of the r/s ending--that was done a long time ago. It was acceptance of yes, he is disordered. I'm nearly certain he is a pwBPD, but even if not, it was enough of a personality anomaly that we just could not have worked.

It was also acceptance that I am responsible for my own happiness and cannot be dependent on anyone else for it, not a man, not my friends, and not even my daughter.

It was acceptance that I have issues that were fully responsible for my getting involved in and staying in this r/s--and accepting that I need to fix those FOO issues. My ex bears no blame or responsibility for any pain or discomfort of mine because the r/s crashed and burned. I am the only one responsible for me being in that r/s--he did not hold a gun to my head. I knew there was something way off. I stayed anyway.

There are so many different kinds of acceptance for me that seemed to come together in a short amount of time--one recognition lead to another and to another and to another, and then the lightbulb switched on: I am responsible for my own happiness.

I expect maybe someone else may not know what I'm talking about here, but you have to really look deep inside yourself and not look at your ex or the past r/s.

M

[Faded]

So I had these *conversations* for a long time and they were as complicated as my relationship.  It kept me stuck and ruminating.  My need for closure and validation from a person who clearly was never going to be able to give that haunted me.

I wanted answers from someone who couldn't provide answers for himself, much less me. 

So do you have those *imaginary conversations*?  How have you handled it?

Guilty  i too had/have imaginary conversations. Going over every single variable, strangely the conversations never ended with positive solution even imaginary!
Each and every imaginary conversation would lead to her raging again.

Every single variable possible i must of had conversations about. These conversations only ever happen when theres a push/pull from the ex or an imminent/on going rage in the real world. I have to admit ive had recent imaginary conversations, although i put that down to recent rage.

I guess the conversations in general were all about me having my say and visualising the response that i should be getting along with the response i would expect from the ex. So the conversations always had 2 paths for thinking - wanted response to expected response.

A lot of this has to do with the 'anxiety' we feel and i think controlling the anxiety will control the conversations. In my own view when depression lifts we are still left with a lot of anxiety, this is where the real world ruminating happens i think as we gain our brain back. The conversations could be seen as a positive maybe in a way of ourselves going over various scenarios and depicting what is real world right and is real world wrong (does that make sense?), we can validate some of our thoughts from this can we not?
So although negative im sure we can take some big positives out of it if we allow ourselves to amongst the negative thinking and ruminating.

If you were forced to limit that conversation to these six feelings (Love, Joy, Surprise, Anger, Sadness and Fear) words and six statements (no questions) what would you have said to gain closure?

 

LOVE
I wish you well and hope your future is filled with much happiness.

JOY
Thank god for that! I thought youd never leave 

SURPRISE
Youve done what again? Your crazier than a box of frogs dressed in lycra.

ANGER
You f*&ked up B*&ch! How dare you treat me in such a digusting manner, how dare you treat my family with so much disrespect. You deserve to rot in hell and be miserable for the rest of your life. You s*&t.

SADNESS
You killed me internally like you will never know, hurt me so badly inside you will never be able to understand my pain. For you to see my pain you would have to visit the pain i am in and i pray that no one ever makes you visit this world of pain.

FEAR
Im so scared what will become of us together or apart. I fear the unknown after being so much in the 'know'. I fear i will never know 'us' or 'you'.


I hope im on the right track with the responses and how they was asked for. 

[34broken]

 (Love, - when you asked how my day was. When you seem to accept me for what you saw in front of you. The way you ran your fingers over my body and thru my hair and I would catch you peeking at me. I love your goofiness. I love your sense of style and verbalese. I loved the unawkward silence we shared. You hated your body and yet I loved every square inch. I started  to feel a deeper connection with you right before our downfall. Oh the irony.

Joy, - Our first kiss. Our first dance. Hersheypark in the winter. Our legs interlocked. Cuddling. Watching you dress and undress. Winning money with you by my side. Our birthdays  and xmas.

Surprise, - when you drove to my and surprised me with a hug and kiss on my day off.
Surprised  at the way you concealed emotions. Shocked that you cut yourself over me. Surprised how you could let someone into our relationship w/o realizing what effects it would have. How manipulative ans cunning you are. I underestimated you.

Anger, Angry at myself for being selfish at times. Should have slowed things down. I am angry you didn't give us a chance to improve things. I cringe when I remember you telling me that you might have been stringing me along. Angry for your criticism.  Anger for you that I was just somebody to get through the holidays with. Angry that while you were disconnected I started to become attached to you...you should have ended it first. Angry that we were far more codependent then we agreed to be. Angry at your deceitfulness.  Angry that you emotionally cheated on me. Your lies at the end of us. The way you used my mom for info. That you were trying to get me to break up with u. Angry at myself for not respecting BPD and not reading much on it until the end.
Falling under your spell. That you helped to ruin my life and my new job. Youe ghosts run amuck. Doesnt allow me.to detach. 
Sadness- the void in my heart.  I can no longer play puzzles and games  with your daughter. There will not be a.future with you. That we will never speak again.

 Fear)-- that our breakup had nothing to do with your BPD and bulimia. That you simply fell out of love for me naturally.  That when I run into again, you'll be smiling with HIM holding hands.  That you choose to get better for him and for yourself. That you forgot about me and I meant nothing to u. That you were the only woman that I will ever be with. That I am a loser in life and you knew that. That you broke me in to fragments of myself.  That I will never be able to patch myself. That relationships are not meant for me. That I will continue to  love you in some capacity  ...for someone that really doesnt deseve that love.

[GreenMango]

@ Ellil - I agree that we are responsible for our happiness.  I noticed after the breakup is was extremely sad and mistakenly believed No. 1 of the Ten Beliefs 1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness .  It took awhile to shake that one off.

@ Faded - Thank you for replying.  Your words really expressed each emotion.  You wrote how the anxiety remains after the depression lifts and there is the real world ruminating.  How do you work on that?  or has that passed?

@ 34 - I really appreciate you posting your experience.  I know its hard.  It sounded like when it was good it was really good and you miss her very much.  You mentioned some of your fears:

That I will never be able to patch myself. That relationships are not meant for me. That I will continue to  love you in some capacity  ...for someone that really doesnt deseve that love

  I don't believe you are alone in these fears I had these fears too.  How long have you two been apart?  It takes time.