Need help with this one

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Alcoholic BPDw has been relapsing frequently lately. When she gets drunk, she becomes hostile and shouts an unending cycle of accusations and complaints. The kids (aged 5) are sometimes scared by her behavior.

When she sobers up, she seeks affection from the kids, and they withdraw from her and cling to me. She then accuses them of being mean to her and plays ransom games ("I'm not going to do x, y, or z with you anymore because you're mean to Mommy.").

Then she starts in complaining about how I won't back her up, how I "call her a bad mom" (I never said any such thing). She says I should discipline the kids and make them show her the love and affection she deserves because she has "given everything for them."

The problem is that I consider forcing the kids to show her affection to be a form of abuse.

How do y'all think I should handle this?

[rogerroger]

Alcoholic BPDw has been relapsing frequently lately. When she gets drunk, she becomes hostile and shouts an unending cycle of accusations and complaints. The kids (aged 5) are sometimes scared by her behavior.

When she sobers up, she seeks affection from the kids, and they withdraw from her and cling to me. She then accuses them of being mean to her and plays ransom games ("I'm not going to do x, y, or z with you anymore because you're mean to Mommy.").

Then she starts in complaining about how I won't back her up, how I "call her a bad mom" (I never said any such thing). She says I should discipline the kids and make them show her the love and affection she deserves because she has "given everything for them."

The problem is that I consider forcing the kids to show her affection to be a form of abuse.

How do y'all think I should handle this?

[beyondbelief]

Alcoholic BPDw has been relapsing frequently lately. When she gets drunk, she becomes hostile and shouts an unending cycle of accusations and complaints. The kids (aged 5) are sometimes scared by her behavior.

When she sobers up, she seeks affection from the kids, and they withdraw from her and cling to me. She then accuses them of being mean to her and plays ransom games ("I'm not going to do x, y, or z with you anymore because you're mean to Mommy.").

Others are far more qualified than I to say much about the effects this is having on your kids.  Do you have anyway of removing them or her from the situation when it happens?

Then she starts in complaining about how I won't back her up, how I "call her a bad mom" (I never said any such thing). She says I should discipline the kids and make them show her the love and affection she deserves because she has "given everything for them."

I thought love and affection was something that comes from inside.  How could anyone ever be made to show that?  You could of course force them to pretend and that would be very invalidating to your kids. 

I suggest really validating your kids.  Teach them that it is okay to feel whatever they feel.  That way they can learn what they are really feeling and how to deal with their own feelings.  On a personal note, I believed I was validating my kids when in fact I was not.  Once I learned what it really meant things changed a lot for the better.  Here is the resource that opened my eyes.    The Power of Validation

[david]

Video tape the drunken rages and call the police. Have her removed and get a judge to make it legal. Protect the children.

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[hadnoidea]

Video tape the drunken rages and call the police. Have her removed and get a judge to make it legal. Protect the children.

PLEASE do this...and go ahead and google "raised by an alcoholic".  She is doing SERIOUS damage to the kids...trust me...I am "one of them" raised by an alcoholic...please save your babies...

[Summer1]

My H does the same thing and through the years of me seeing this, it has really killed me spiritually and even physically. I have so much guilt for allowing my H to treat S8 this way. I even see anger in my son. I realize I made a mistake ...not because  I'm a bad mother but because I did not want to make things worst. Now I realize that I am my sons voice. When my H tries to force my son for a hug or attention or becomes overbearing,  I give him the eye. My H knows to back off because after my s is away I will give him hell. My H understands I feel it's abuse and I even go write in my journal in front of H and document it. He gets scared and stops. Almost like a child. I think that's how we need to treat them. I make sure (not in anger) that I sit with my H, when we are alone and explain how i feel about his behaviors toward my S.
The important thing that I always try to remember (which I learned from my T) Is that when I am calm...to hold my H accountable for his behaviors. He may not listen by I try to tell him what I find acceptable and what I don't. And I let him know that I will protect and remove my S from him when he is acting this way. I try not to make a big deal but try to remove my s in a calm way. I tell H that I am not going to get into an argument with him over this. I am just simply telling him..as his wife, what I find acceptable and what I don't.
As of now, this approach is working for me.Hope that helped... Good Luck!

[JustSaying]

Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting and ask the people there what it was like to be raised in an alcoholic family. Most told stories of the sober parent sweeping it under the rug. Know the prevailing emotion of the children of these families who were not the adults in the meetings? Resentment. And resentment toward whom? Toward the sober parent!

That was the beginning of the end for me. I used what I learned from Al-Anon and T, and gave X an alcohol ultimatum. She actually stopped drinking, to her credit. Unfortunately her BPD behaviors didn't change, so I could no longer 'blame' these on alcohol.

[NorthernGirl]

For years DH's ex (uBPD) has blamed DH for their sons being unhappy with her. She tells everyone who will listen that the reason they divorced was because DH didn't discipline SS21 enough. DH says that since SS21 was little she told him he must force SS21 to listen to her. When they were in their teens, his ex tried to get DH to send them a letter telling them to respect her. He almost did it (it was when he was terrified of what she might do.) So I would say it isn't unusual for someone with disordered thinking. I suggest you just ignore it.

SS19 is an addict, so we've been to Al Anon and so if you haven't already gone, I suggest giving them a try. They aren't for everyone but they certainly helped us see we weren't alone. When SS19 is drinking or trying to get alcohol he lies, steals and manipulates people to get what he wants. Addiction gripes people and twists their thinking. If your wife is both an alcoholic and BPD, then you will always need to have a firm grip on reality, because she won't. And you will need to constantly help your kids see reality. Validate their feelings by listening to them, acknowledging that they are scared, hungry, tired, etc. because their mom may be trying to tell them she knows how they feel.

Your kids instincts are correct for turning away from her when she has been awful to them, so help them understand that its okay for them to be afraid.   

[1stand10]

I agree that you should video tape her when she is drunk and call the police without her knowing.  That way she can't straighten up her act before they get there.  Do not yield to her pressure of making the kids show her affection.  Protect both their safety and mental health.

I feel really guilty for spanking my S14 after he showed his uBPDmom a severe amount of disrespect only later to find out that she verbally berated him just minutes before.  Don't feel guilty for protecting your kids.

[rogerroger]

Thanks to all for your answers. She is making another effort to stick to her recovery program, but if she relapses again I will try to follow through with the video+police suggestion.

It's funny that I find myself wishing I "only" had to deal with the alcoholism.

[c014572]

I might be new but "Then she starts in complaining about how I won't back her up" really rings  bell.   My wife has destroyed her relationship with out kids and expects me to side with her.   This is a terrible predicament to be in.  I think the kids need to come first.

[Summer1]

I might be new but "Then she starts in complaining about how I won't back her up" really rings  bell.   My wife has destroyed her relationship with out kids and expects me to side with her.   This is a terrible predicament to be in.  I think the kids need to come first.

i AGREE...Children need to come first. I wish I would have protected S8 more in the past. I am learning to forgive myself, move forward and Do better for my boy.  I will never allow my son to be mistreated like that again... just not fair!

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