The things he said to me are now spoken to her.

[Think About It...]

Hi all;
I understand Bpd, and that without help things would never be good. I got all that.
 
I guess I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that what he said to me, the things he said to me are what he is saying to his new “woman”.  You all know them.. The “you are everything to me, you are my soul mate“ ..
And so on.  And what makes it harder right now is that he is taking her to our honeymoon place in two days.  They will be doing the things “we” did,  seeing things that “we” saw that I thought were special to us… and it hurts, hurts like hell. 
I’m feeling a little guilty as well.. Hoping that what they do see and share reminds him of me.. and I know that is a little selfish on my part, but it would vindicate me a little...  Actually I hope it rains the entire time they are there!

Just needed to vent a little..
hugs

[myfault]

Hi all;
I understand Bpd, and that without help things would never be good. I got all that.
 
I guess I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that what he said to me, the things he said to me are what he is saying to his new “woman”.  You all know them.. The “you are everything to me, you are my soul mate“ ..
And so on.  And what makes it harder right now is that he is taking her to our honeymoon place in two days.  They will be doing the things “we” did,  seeing things that “we” saw that I thought were special to us… and it hurts, hurts like hell. 
I’m feeling a little guilty as well.. Hoping that what they do see and share reminds him of me.. and I know that is a little selfish on my part, but it would vindicate me a little...  Actually I hope it rains the entire time they are there!

Just needed to vent a little..
hugs

[Sofie]

 
I think we all know how you feel. I can still remember how it was seeing my ex courting my replacement in the exact same way and with the exact same words that she used to court me.

I know it is difficult to accept - at least, it was for me - but the thing is that since pwBPD have no solid sense of identity and lack empathy, they often tend to operate from scripts, as real emotional relating to other people requires an ability to identify with and understand other feelings than your own. My exBPD clearly had an unwritten manual for courtship that she followed - my impression was that it had been built on a mixture of trial-and-error ("my ex liked when I said she was my soul mate, so Sofie must like it as well!") and very stereotypical cultural conceptions of romance - heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and red roses all the way.

If it is any comfort for you, you can rest assured that the words your ex is saying to his new partner and the things he is doing to prove his love for her are fickle - and they will be with every new partner until he takes on responsibility for healing.

[Forever]

You need to remember that in a period of time their relationship will be toxic just like yours probably was. I think normal brain functions allow us to suppress bad memories and remember good memories which seems like a great and healthy thing... Normally. But in cases when we think about our relationships with BPD people we need to remember those bad times, those times when we had zero self worth, the controlling and manipulation, the pain we felt. I know in my relationship there were 100 times that I knew I needed to get out, that she was eating into my soul , that I wasn't happy. You need to remember that too, he is now at the beginning of a process that is going to ruin his new girls life, in a period of time she will on the Internet looking for answers to what the he'll happened in her relationship and life. You lived thru it and now it's healing for you, it will take for all of us who are just out to fully recover but where you are in your life is better then where she is in hers, she just don't know it yet.

[redfeather]

I actually LISTENED as my x used the same old tired lines on my replacement...yawn. How boring. Mine thinks she is this lesbian Cassanova which is so incredibly hilarious to me since she has no game whatsoever. NONE. Just some often repeated phrases she has strung together possibly overheard from other people or from movies, sad love songs she gathers daily from youtube. She has as much depth as a mud puddle emotionally.
 Hi!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[patientandclear]

Writing quickly on my way to work to say -- that is happening to me too, I know it is excruciating -- but the very fact that he can do this is the reason you have not in fact lost a great love.  You know?  You've lost what you thought was that.  But the actual emptiness of it is revealed when repeated so soon at that same level of intensity with a different partner.  It's still awful but maybe that realization helps to break the feeling of addiction to our exes and what they gave/told/did with us.

I will say that taking this new woman to the same exact place you went is sort of beyond the pale.  You would think it would ring warning bells even for him.  But it reveals how not genuine what he is doing with and expressing to her is, too.

Looking back at the early days of my r/s I hear these things he said as scripts.  They were intoxicating when I thought I was the only one who had heard them -- when I thought he'd been waiting his whole life for me, been alone for years.  Now, knowing how many other women he'd courted intensely and dumped suddenly, I realize that the lines were very likely just that.  Not special, not just for me.  While awful, that also helps me to let go of my yearning for those experiences.

I'm sorry.  It's dreadful to have to relinquish those special memories and feelings.

[redberry]

Patient, I can relate to this.  My ex did the same thing with my replacement.  It was like he was rerunning our relationship just with a new co-star.  As for a script, I think there is a lot of truth to that.  I found a few pages in a notebook where he had written down phrases that apparently worked with girls that he probably heard others use at some point or heard in a movie.  He used them on me--and they worked!.  How much of a nimwhit was I?  So, yes, they can quite literally "operate from a script."  None of it is real, healthy love.  It is learned action and reaction.

[luckystrikes]

oh geez.

my ex was setting up my replacement, i think, for around two months. but there was zero evidence of this, until i noticed right before we broke up that shed removed her relationship status all together. our breakup was kind of ambiguous so i wasnt even certain wed broken up. after a few days of no speaking, i did the only respectable thing i knew to do, i removed my relationship status (as opposed to making it single) and i changed my profile picture.

apparently, this was the ultimate abandonment. i woke up the next morning to her throwing the new guy in my face. she very obviously lured him into posting on her wall so id be able to see their conversation. she didnt get quite the reaction she expected, i thought it was pretty rich frankly. she was using things directly from our relationship, means of flirting, etc. on top of that, she was using *MY* favorite bands, and very specific things id told her about them to reel him in! that one still irritates me . this was all just so blatant that i couldnt treat it seriously, honestly. it made me wonder if it was a plan. by the end of the night though, i was still going pretty crazy. i was wondering if she was signaling that she wanted me to fight for her. so i thought id try. i texted her "i want to fight for this. youre worth it"   . no, i never got a reply. i did get one little punch in, though. for added  ? my replacement was my doppelganger, with several key things in common with me. at the time my ex was posting every spare thought as a status. she wrote some nonsense about hating robin williams and some people came to defend him. the new guy defended mrs doubtfire. id had about enough, as thats one of my favorite movies. so i 'liked' him saying that. she got the message . retardedly, she didnt remove me as a friend. she blocked me from her wall, and changed her profile picture to one with me noticeably cropped out.  

i can only tell you what helped me at the time, because i never really felt jealous over my replacement. i saw it all for what it was. shed perceived my abandonment, imagined as it was, i know when it was. there were lots of things at work in the last several months. so she now had to find a new 'host' (i dont usually like to compare them to parasites, but obviously the nature of the relationship is kinda similar.). thats all this person is. a bandaid. it doesnt matter what she says to him. it only matters what she will do, and has done, and from everything i gather its been rather ugly. the same applies to you and yours.

to some extent i got myself through by selectively telling myself what was real and what wasnt, when it works for me. i dont mean lying to myself, either. its like this. "did my BPD ex love me?" maybe. but whatever they felt couldnt be sustained. "was i special?" well, in my case, im by far her longest relationship, and i was with her through some pretty significant milestones in her life. but that didnt stop her from the things she pulled on me. you have to see things for what they are and were. there was plenty about your relationship that was "real", and there was probably plenty that wasnt. for people that decide their relationship was a total illusion, that they were fooled and used, i ask what exactly "wasnt real" about all the deep heartfelt conversations and sharing of the past? the bond was very real, they wanted it as much if not more than we did. but again, it could not be sustained. but for people in your case, who are imagining the things shes saying to others i say things like "yeah, and ill bet it sounds over the top, dramatic, and idiotic. youre not missing much." and i do think that. maybe because for the most part, the idealization my ex threw at me, i LIKE to think, didnt go to my head too much. it did in ways, it was a powerful hook in the sense that i thought someone 'got me'. but i know that im not perfect, and i knew her adoration was over the top. the idealization can otherwise become very addictive, and that may explain why youre imagining him doing it with someone else. theres no point, though. you cant actually have any idea whats going on. 4

so its a delicate balancing game. cause if the stuff hes saying to someone else is meaningless, doesnt that mean it was with you? yes and no, i guess. i guess i would just say that it doesnt mean that every thing he ever said to you was a lie, or anything like that. of course the idealization was over the top. but that doesnt mean you dont have great qualities that this person was attracted to. that had to be the case. they took on your identity. maybe im also more cynical than you are. when i see couples clearly in the honey moon stage saying over the top things, i tend to roll my eyes. even more so imagining a pwBPD.

believe me though, i do understand this feeling. i can only offer what worked for me. and i can tell you all day long that its not personal, and its not you, or anything that youre lacking, and theres nothing about this person thats better than you. and of course you want to feel validated. you wont get that from him unfortunately. stick around here and you will

[harlemgurl]

My fault.

I'm with Lucky Strikes. Do your best to not make the actions of a PWBPD personal. I know that this is difficult but people with BPD are emotionally stunted human beings and will do whatever is necessary to feed their disorder.  They are very sick my fault! Their words are seduction and are about getting people to like them but deep down they know that they are deeply troubled. The are smart enough to not reveal the crazy right away so they give us the mask first. But eventually the mask always cracks. The hope for them is that once you are ensnared that you will fill their bottomless pit of need and give them a sense of self which they don't have. To me having BPD is like the emptiness behind a cardboard cutout.

They only thing you have control over is validating the feelings that you felt when you were with your ex. Your feelings were real and quite honestly your feelings are ALL that matter. Your hurt feelings are real. Feel them and grieve them. It will take a while to not make his sickness personal. Yes he's repeating the script but it is what he must do to avoid being alone at all costs. Trust. The replacement will experience the same destructive outcome. I personally believe that the outcomes become more destructive with every desperate attempt to run away from themselves and their deep inner pain. Eventually it catches up to them.

One thing I've learned about love; particularly BPD love is to never pay attention to their words.  Its the actions that are the truth of a person. A person with BPD has very little integrity. Integrity requires a self; something they do not have. Without a self you cannot introspect, look within, take personal ownership of your mistakes, and you certainly can't learn from your mistakes either.

My fault. Try not to victimize or beat up on yourself. Your ex did not con you; he's sick and desperate and will do anything to keep his fragile sense of himself from crumbling. Please know that your worth can never be validated by a broken person. Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself.

HF

[Went_there]

Be glad you are away from the phony.
Pretty soon, when he is saying and doing that to 123,445,666th victim, he will be a small memory in your past.
You won't even think about him or what he is doing anymore.
Just hard to get from here to there sometimes I think.

[MarshaDole]

Wow, Redberry, do you recall any of the phrases from the notebook?
Unreal: a verbal seduction manual, more or less...how revealing that is!

[Carri1]

Ok my 2 cents, myfault...First how do you know so much about what he is doing and going.  Block yourself from wherever that news is coming from...not good.

Also pwBPD like familiar things.  Mine especially didn't like new places and I'm thinking maybe yours doesn't either...explains why the same place.

Ok let's pray for RAIN!
Hugs
Carri

[redberry]

Wow, Redberry, do you recall any of the phrases from the notebook?
Unreal: a verbal seduction manual, more or less...how revealing that is!

Well, not quite the length of a manual--more like a short outline  . And usually these gems were written in text or a note...

But, for fun, I do remember a few!

"I can hardly wait to spend forever with you."

"When we lie here together, I am finally home."

"You make my world shine like I've never seen the rain."

"I need you like the air I breathe" (Should have paid attention to this one!  |>)

Good stuff, no?     What a sap I was!  

[MarshaDole]

Some of those I heard were:

We've gone through the gauntlet of life to emergy victorious together.

The words 'I love you' don't begin to cover what I feel. I've been
in a coma all my life until now.

I don't care what I do as long as I'm with you.



The problem, as always, is to figure out just how much of this stuff
was genuine at least for the time being. I believe some of it was
truly heartfelt. But alas, they can't sustain these feelings, and I've
read that the more intense the idealization, the more intense the
devaluation and the worse the heartache for the non. Not fun.

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