Sex with new partner post-BPD

[Think About It...]

I hope it all goes well for you Sofie...lots of     

Keep us posted how you get on xx

[Mariposa]

I hope it all goes well for you Sofie...lots of     

Keep us posted how you get on xx

[Sofie]

Thank you all for your words and kindness - it means a lot. 

I met with my gf for lunch today and spoke with her about this - somehow it was important for me to have this talk outside of an intimate/sexual situation. She was very sweet and kind and listened patiently, although I could see that my words also made her a bit insecure - she asked me whether I thought I would want for her to please me at some point in the future, and I must admit that I lied and said, "Of course...I just need time." The honest answer would have been to say, "I don't know." I just couldn't say it.
She asked me repeatedly whether there was something she could do differently or whether she did something wrong, and I told her that no, honey, you can't "fix" me and it's not your job to do so. Whether that eased her mind or actually frustrated her a bit, I am a bit unsure of...well, we'll see, I guess. 

[Mariposa]

Bless you both! This must be hard for the both of you and confusing for your girlfriend, without understanding fully, how damaging a BPD relationship can be.

It's obvious how much she loves you and I feel you will be able to work through this as long as you both continue to keep communicating.

I'm sure your girlfriend will have all sorts of insecure thoughts running through her mind. Maybe you can both think of other intimate things to engage in, other than pleasuring each other, or her you.

I wish you both all the best 

[diotima]

Ah Sophie, you are being so upfront about this and I can feel the dilemma. I don't know if this relates to your situation but I'll give it a try. When I had sex the first time in my new r/s, I felt disloyal to my BPD ex and had to work through that (I know, it is crazy, but there it was) and it was difficult for me. Once i realized that it got (a lot) easier. I had a lot of connection on an emotional level to my ex--even if he was an abuser, etc., etc. I felt like I was betraying the a**hole--and he was cheating all the time!
Diotima

[kimbers43]

I just wanted to add that i felt exactly the same when i had sex with my new partner. I felt guilty and that i was cheating on my exgf even though she was happily sleeping with other people and hasn't spared a thought for my feelings. I kept thinking of her and how she would be reacting to the person she was with all the time we had sex. Very off putting and its something i have had to block from my mind. My partner is very understanding and  i have been able to explain this to her which has helped. She had the same feelings when she first had sex with someone else after her break up. The key to it all is talking i guess and letting your emotions happen and then controlling them.

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[Mariposa]

I haven't actually slept with anyone else yet, but it something that I am very worried about. I feel guilty if another guy so much as chats to me. I avoid it if I can. Yet, I know my ex will be flirting and would more than likely sleep with anyone that would!

[Sofie]

Thank you for your replies.
Hmmmm, I wouldn't say there is any guilt involved in it on my part - I don't feel that I still "belong" to exBPD in any way or that I am cheating on her.

As Schwing talked about, in my case it is much more as if it has become some kind of automatic part physical/part psychological reaction on my part - sex with new partner? Bam, pictures of ex in my mind. I don't even think of her before my ex begins to touch me - it is just as if the images force their way into my mind. I don't know...I guess that somehow sex+ex have been enmeshed in my mind and now I need to unravel these two again.

[Neverknow]

I have already started thining how difficult that is goint to be.

I'm definitely going to need some decompression time before having any kind of normal relationship, sex included, with anyone.

Otherwise, I know I wil just mess it up.

[diotima]

Sofie, that happened to me the first time too (pix of ex in my mind) but it gradually went away. Good to hear you don't feel any of the other stuff.
Diotima