Insensitivity

[Think About It...]

Something happened to me this week and my SP said something incredibly insensitive about it.   The thing is, I realized that my SP simply has minimal filter, minimal ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes, and worst of all, minimal ability to realize that they've hurt someone (even unintentionally) and do something to make it right.   

So after my SP said it, I walked away and sat down in a separate room staring into space hoping for tears that never came to help stem the feeling of having my heart ripped out by someone who is supposed to love me.   

The worst part is knowing that if you mention you've been hurt by what they've said, there will be no apology.  I would be told I was overreacting, my SP didn't mean anything by it, or I'd have something from the past brought up that I'd done wrong in my SP's eyes. 

I don't want to go into what was said, but it was hurtful on so many levels because it went beyond the normal stuff I've learned to almost accept as par for the course and ignore.  This remark dug deeper into my already wounded self esteem and confidence.   And what was most hurtful was knowing that there was no recognition in my SP's eyes that they'd hurt me.   

[mssalty]

Something happened to me this week and my SP said something incredibly insensitive about it.   The thing is, I realized that my SP simply has minimal filter, minimal ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes, and worst of all, minimal ability to realize that they've hurt someone (even unintentionally) and do something to make it right.   

So after my SP said it, I walked away and sat down in a separate room staring into space hoping for tears that never came to help stem the feeling of having my heart ripped out by someone who is supposed to love me.   

The worst part is knowing that if you mention you've been hurt by what they've said, there will be no apology.  I would be told I was overreacting, my SP didn't mean anything by it, or I'd have something from the past brought up that I'd done wrong in my SP's eyes. 

I don't want to go into what was said, but it was hurtful on so many levels because it went beyond the normal stuff I've learned to almost accept as par for the course and ignore.  This remark dug deeper into my already wounded self esteem and confidence.   And what was most hurtful was knowing that there was no recognition in my SP's eyes that they'd hurt me.   

[Clearmind]

mssalty - you are very right and while it appears to us as being insensitive, its projection. He is projecting his stuff onto you to relieve himself of his own pain ~ and as hard as it is to admit its working ~ Is it possible to process what is said as hearsay and not take it personally? How do we do that? And the answer may also help with other r/s in your life - family, friends etc.

In thinking about what was said ~ what was the reason it hurt so much? Do you believe what was said? Was it meant to be intentionally hurtful? Is there a reason why you may believe what was sprouted in an emotional rage?

I am not in my r/s now - I have learnt some interesting skills post break-up which I practice daily ~ it could have certainly helped me within the r/s. I have come to a realization that I will permit others to feel what they want, express the emotions they see fit and let them own it - not me! The moment I take on what is projected is the moment I lose total insight into me, lose personal power and just want to run and hide.

Its true counter-attacking is also counter-productive - Why is it we need to explain and defend ourselves when conflict arises?

In this r/s mssalty - aside from your SO - who are you in this union? This may sound like a hard question to answer right now - it really is part of the key to improving how you feel personally and how you process BPD behavior because in all reality his experiences are nothing to do with you. Stepping back and creating emotional and physical space is so important so we don't continue to enable and feed the enmeshment cycle.

How does all that look to you mssalty? Feel free to share more because I am just poking around here to see if any of this may fit ~ my experiences will be different to yours.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)