blaming me now

[Think About It...]

When we first split he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, needed time etc..  Today, after some major problems where I am staying, he said I was welcome to go and stay with him.  But as a friend and nothing else.  He has a single bed, I told him that was really not an option, even though we havn't been intimate in a long time (his choice not mine).  As we spoke today I really got the feeling he wasn't undecided anymore about us and I said that to him.  He said he had decided we were finished for good as we argue too much! I asked him when he was going to get round to telling me that, his reply was when the time felt right.  I replied with when would that have been?  when you found someone else?   The only arguments we have had lately is about the break up, so that feels like a pretty lame excuse to use.  I even said to him if I had cut him out of my life completely then, in theory, he wouldn't have had that as an excuse.  It's like he does still want me around as his best friend as long as I don't discuss 'us'  its ok to discuss work, his family etc.. but anything personal is off limits.  After 10 years together I really can't just switch off like that even if he can.  I guess you are all going to say NC is the only way forward from here.  Its hard for me right now as I am still in a country where I don't speak the language and don't have many friends here.  The only people I have to talk to is my sister, him and these boards.  I guess I do have to accept now that I will never get answers from him or be anything more than a friend to him.  Am i expceting too much from him?  I don't understand hime being so adamant he doesnt want me anymore yet offering me somewhere to stay too at the same time.  Is it guilt/pity as he knows I wouldnt be living where I am if he hadnt dumped me the way he did.

[amandar2000]

When we first split he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, needed time etc..  Today, after some major problems where I am staying, he said I was welcome to go and stay with him.  But as a friend and nothing else.  He has a single bed, I told him that was really not an option, even though we havn't been intimate in a long time (his choice not mine).  As we spoke today I really got the feeling he wasn't undecided anymore about us and I said that to him.  He said he had decided we were finished for good as we argue too much! I asked him when he was going to get round to telling me that, his reply was when the time felt right.  I replied with when would that have been?  when you found someone else?   The only arguments we have had lately is about the break up, so that feels like a pretty lame excuse to use.  I even said to him if I had cut him out of my life completely then, in theory, he wouldn't have had that as an excuse.  It's like he does still want me around as his best friend as long as I don't discuss 'us'  its ok to discuss work, his family etc.. but anything personal is off limits.  After 10 years together I really can't just switch off like that even if he can.  I guess you are all going to say NC is the only way forward from here.  Its hard for me right now as I am still in a country where I don't speak the language and don't have many friends here.  The only people I have to talk to is my sister, him and these boards.  I guess I do have to accept now that I will never get answers from him or be anything more than a friend to him.  Am i expceting too much from him?  I don't understand hime being so adamant he doesnt want me anymore yet offering me somewhere to stay too at the same time.  Is it guilt/pity as he knows I wouldnt be living where I am if he hadnt dumped me the way he did.

[Clearmind]

amandar2000

As we spoke today I really got the feeling he wasn't undecided anymore about us and I said that to him. 

If he is undecided he may need to come to this conclusion himself. Your question turned into a circular argument – not your fault amandar2000 – he felt challenged. In knowing more about BPD you may understand that decision making, understanding his own emotions and responding to what we perceive as appropriate are really tough for him. You may be clear – he isn’t. This the reality of BPD.

And in asking that question you end up with this...

I replied with when would that have been?  when you found someone else?   

…and no closer to any insight into what he wants.

I get you want answers – you need to find them yourself and not expect him to know – because my friend – he doesn’t.

The only arguments we have had lately is about the break up, so that feels like a pretty lame excuse to use.

If you were completely emotionally confused about something – anything – and someone was probing you and backing you into corners with questions – how would you feel?

Am i expceting too much from him?  I don't understand hime being so adamant he doesnt want me anymore yet offering me somewhere to stay too at the same time.  Is it guilt/pity as he knows I wouldnt be living where I am if he hadnt dumped me the way he did.

Offering somewhere for you to stay is not the same as wanting the relationship back. It’s a jester.

In thinking about the relationship dynamic before and now ~ where do you see it going?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[jessicapuppy]

Wow!  The first half of your story could have been my own!  I asked for a break from my exBPDNPDbf until he agreed to seek counselling, and after a 3-4 week break, he happened to mention that he'd decided over a week ago, to end things.  He also blamed it on us arguing too much.  This was because it was easier than admitting he needed therapy.  We didn't argue, he shouted at me in rages!  Don't let him pass the buck to you. 
He's basically jumped ship, because, even though people with BPD fear abandonment, it's better to abandon than be abandoned.

JP
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[amandar2000]

Hi
thanks for your replies.  It starts to feel like you are damned if you, and damned if you don't!  He had already abandoned me prior to this.  I  am now 4 hours away from by train.  The last time we split like this, we lived in same city and still seen each other at least weekly, all initiated by him.  This time round, I have seen him once when I went to visit him about a week after split (the best weekend in a long time - his words), the rest of contact is calls or messaging.  I would not even consider his offer to stay with him, too much like taking the best bits from me and ignoring the rest.  He even told me yesterday that he doesn't like the person I have become in last few weeks- I said sorry if being dumped after 10 years with no reasons has changed me, and that I am not singing and dancing yet.  Its interesting when I think back to last time we split.  If I rememeber correctly he was the same.  Disappeared or walked away when he didn't like conversation but on days where I was coping or doing better he seemed to love being around me.  So it's like he would like me to 'heal' and to get over him and then maybe I would become the Mand he would like again.  It feels like emotional vampirism.  He never raged or rarely and only when drunk.  He rarely drinks now because of meds he is on for crohns.  He did get drunk on sunday and called me.  General chit chat to begin then he started shouting at me and blaming me for stuff.  I told him I wasn't going to listen and if he wanted to say same stuff then to call me when he is sober.  The next day he texted me and couldn't apologise enough.  It def feels like he really doesn't want me but is scared of loosing me- if that makes sense.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi
thanks for your replies.  It starts to feel like you are damned if you, and damned if you don't!  He had already abandoned me prior to this.  I  am now 4 hours away from by train.  The last time we split like this, we lived in same city and still seen each other at least weekly, all initiated by him.  This time round, I have seen him once when I went to visit him about a week after split (the best weekend in a long time - his words), the rest of contact is calls or messaging.  I would not even consider his offer to stay with him, too much like taking the best bits from me and ignoring the rest.  He even told me yesterday that he doesn't like the person I have become in last few weeks- I said sorry if being dumped after 10 years with no reasons has changed me, and that I am not singing and dancing yet.  Its interesting when I think back to last time we split.  If I rememeber correctly he was the same.  Disappeared or walked away when he didn't like conversation but on days where I was coping or doing better he seemed to love being around me.  So it's like he would like me to 'heal' and to get over him and then maybe I would become the Mand he would like again.  It feels like emotional vampirism.  He never raged or rarely and only when drunk.  He rarely drinks now because of meds he is on for crohns.  He did get drunk on sunday and called me.  General chit chat to begin then he started shouting at me and blaming me for stuff.  I told him I wasn't going to listen and if he wanted to say same stuff then to call me when he is sober.  The next day he texted me and couldn't apologise enough.  It def feels like he really doesn't want me but is scared of loosing me- if that makes sense.

Hi there

I am in a very similar position to you right now, I think.  You are totally right about not wanting to lose you.  You are his safety net.  You will be dropped when he finds a new partner, and picked up again when he fears abandonment from them.  You might like to read - How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves, which describes what you are talking about and gives you an insight into what things to expect.

My ex also gets a lot worse when he's had a drink.  

I can also relate to what you are saying about him wanting you to behave all 'normal' and happy, and being very hypocritical, as he couldn't do that himself, in the past.  Due to their ability to change emotions like the flick of a switch, and their ability to 'get over' a relationship so much faster than us nons, we seem very odd to them, for not being able to feel the same.  Remember, people with BPD also lack the ability to empathise, so they cannot understand at all, why we are struggling to come to terms with things.

JP
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