What To Do

[Think About It...]

For those of you who don't know, I am 3-4 months out of a 3.5 year relationship with my BPD-NPD bf.
I have seen him once in that time, and that was just to finalise things.   Well, I say finalise, although he still has a load of stuff to pick up from my house.  Doesn't give any indication as to when he's going to get them, but I don't care, they're under the stairs in a cupboard and when he does was to come, I'll ensure I have a friend here.

At the moment, the theory is that we will continue to teach dance together, and also run our annual dance camp together.  That was the discussion upon splitting, and as there has been no work since (it's just an intermittent, 'as and when' thing on the side that we do), I've not had to actually face doing this with him, yet.

This Saturday is a big local dance.  All of the people we dance with are mutual friends and acquaintances, as there is no other facility or group to dance with, for a very long distance.  I suspect he will be at this dance, and I wanted to go, too.
On the one hand, I am terrified of seeing him again, for fear of all the hurt being stirred-up.  I know that all eyes will be on us, because everyone will want to know how we're handling the break-up (being that they all know us and come to our events etc.), and that he will expect us to dance together.  I'd rather not be within 50 miles of him, let alone in hold with him on a dance floor, for fear of how I'll cope.  However, I don't want to not dance or not teach together, because we do both very well.   It would make things very difficult if I even tried to avoid social dancing with him, because it would mean avoiding going to such events, and therefore I'd miss out.  Why should I be chased off the scene?

I strongly suspect that when he gets a new GF, I'll be cast aside regardless, due to the narcissistic side of him.  I'm sure she'll quickly become his new dance partner.  I have no idea how I'll cope with going to such events then!

This has me in such a mind that I almost want to move far away, where there is another scene, so I can continue to do what I am passionate about, without this worry.  

As for our annual camp...well, we should have had fliers out and registration launched a couple of weeks ago, but he is being really uncooperative.  I'm doing all the organising, and then putting it to him in an email, because he controls the website and has the £, but then he's not coming back to me, so we're missing advertising opportunities, and when he finally does come back to me, it's with a really poor excuse, such as 'I've had an assignment to submit'.  This is over the course of the last 2 months that I've been chasing him to change something on the website to give the new prices, so people can start booking!  
It would seem that the basis of this is that he doesn't like me not being there to chat to on a daily basis on email, and my only replying to dance related emails.   As I won't indulge him when he starts asking about me etc. etc. I think this silence and then poor excuses, are his way of trying to get back at me?

[jessicapuppy]

For those of you who don't know, I am 3-4 months out of a 3.5 year relationship with my BPD-NPD bf.
I have seen him once in that time, and that was just to finalise things.   Well, I say finalise, although he still has a load of stuff to pick up from my house.  Doesn't give any indication as to when he's going to get them, but I don't care, they're under the stairs in a cupboard and when he does was to come, I'll ensure I have a friend here.

At the moment, the theory is that we will continue to teach dance together, and also run our annual dance camp together.  That was the discussion upon splitting, and as there has been no work since (it's just an intermittent, 'as and when' thing on the side that we do), I've not had to actually face doing this with him, yet.

This Saturday is a big local dance.  All of the people we dance with are mutual friends and acquaintances, as there is no other facility or group to dance with, for a very long distance.  I suspect he will be at this dance, and I wanted to go, too.
On the one hand, I am terrified of seeing him again, for fear of all the hurt being stirred-up.  I know that all eyes will be on us, because everyone will want to know how we're handling the break-up (being that they all know us and come to our events etc.), and that he will expect us to dance together.  I'd rather not be within 50 miles of him, let alone in hold with him on a dance floor, for fear of how I'll cope.  However, I don't want to not dance or not teach together, because we do both very well.   It would make things very difficult if I even tried to avoid social dancing with him, because it would mean avoiding going to such events, and therefore I'd miss out.  Why should I be chased off the scene?

I strongly suspect that when he gets a new GF, I'll be cast aside regardless, due to the narcissistic side of him.  I'm sure she'll quickly become his new dance partner.  I have no idea how I'll cope with going to such events then!

This has me in such a mind that I almost want to move far away, where there is another scene, so I can continue to do what I am passionate about, without this worry.  

As for our annual camp...well, we should have had fliers out and registration launched a couple of weeks ago, but he is being really uncooperative.  I'm doing all the organising, and then putting it to him in an email, because he controls the website and has the £, but then he's not coming back to me, so we're missing advertising opportunities, and when he finally does come back to me, it's with a really poor excuse, such as 'I've had an assignment to submit'.  This is over the course of the last 2 months that I've been chasing him to change something on the website to give the new prices, so people can start booking!  
It would seem that the basis of this is that he doesn't like me not being there to chat to on a daily basis on email, and my only replying to dance related emails.   As I won't indulge him when he starts asking about me etc. etc. I think this silence and then poor excuses, are his way of trying to get back at me?

[little doggy]

Hi Jessicapuppy, as a fellow canine call-sign member, I just wanted to say hi. I cant help but feel that the arrangement regarding ongoing contact, dances and camp is just going to get worse and worse and more and more difficult for you. If it was at all possible I would say, get away from him asap. Either start up your own teaching studio without him or move away. He will hurt you in how he acts toward you and what he says about you. He will hurt you more when you dont do everything he wants. He will parade new gf's in front of you then beg for your retrun. He will rant and rage at you, then tearfully seek your forgiveness. The annual camp would be a nightmare. There some separations that require ongoing contact (I need to co-parent with my xwBPD). As time progressed after separation her behaviours got worse and worse. My only way to cope was (and is) to minimise contact, minimise engagement. Most importantly, rediscover yourself and your own strength again (despite all his attempts to erode it). Show him you can stand/dance on your own 2 feet.

[ellil]

From what you've said about his non-communication, is it possible he's already in another r/s?

M

[jessicapuppy]

It's possible.  But he keeps trying to engage me in general conversation, and I keep knocking him back and sticking to the dance topic, so I think his nose just keeps getting put out of joint.

I just need to try to decide if I can make the dancing and teaching business with him, work.  We were just getting it off the ground when we split.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ellil]

Had you had a backup plan in case the dance work didn't take off. In other words, is there another way you can work in the dance world apart from him?

M

[jessicapuppy]

Nope.  The scene is so small here.

Thanks Little Doggy, what you have said is what I fear could well happen.  I just hate having to choose between stress, and what I love to do most.

3 or 4 weeks ago, he was asked to teach without me, with another female.  He turned them down, saying he would only teach with me.  How confusing is THAT?

[jessicapuppy]

Tonight I am going to go to the dance, and it's taking all the strength I have to do so.  I am determined not to let this man take anything more away from me, than he already has. 
Wish me luck x

[ellil]

LUCK! Please let us know how it went.
 

M

[jessicapuppy]

Well, he wasn't there, so I did have a very good night, but had a few tears to myself on the way home, partly I think because I'd wound myself up stressing all afternoon about how I'd handle things, and to my surprise, partly because it felt odd, perhaps a bit wrong without him.   I got very annoyed at myself.   I think I went through a bit of a nostalgic moment, and then a 'how dare he leave me to cope with all this when I gave him nothing but commitment and support' moment.
Well, I did say I wasn't daft enough to think I was 100% recovered after so little time.  Minor set-back.  I'll be fine!

[diotima]

jessica: I gotta say you are more courageous than I am--trying to continue with work you shared with this guy and I really hope this works out. so glad he wasn't there--you got a little respite from him and could operate on your turf--despite the tears. I can't work with my ex--at least not yet (or maybe never). All power to you.
Diotima

[jessicapuppy]

Thank you Diotima  

I have no idea if I'll manage it.  Part of me just really wants to walk away, but the other part thinks that I've worked damn hard to build up our business together.

I actually think that he'll call it a day, when he has to actually start working regularly again with me.  I have a funny feeling (from the tone of his emails) that he thinks we're going to be best of friends.   He keeps sending work related emails, but then dropping stuff into them, such as asking why I have been quiet, and not chatting away to him on Messenger!  From the moment he walked away, he's made it clear that he can't understand why we don't still have the same amount of conversation and communication, as we did when we were dating!  I just ignore any content that is not strictly work related.
If he can't have it that way (his way), then I reckon he'll quickly find himself another dance partner.  After all, it was easy enough for him to go back on all his promises of eternal love and alike, when he wanted out of the relationship!

[diotima]

I gotta say girl: you got guts! All power to you. If you can continue like that you will get it your way, I am pretty sure.
Diotima

[jessicapuppy]

Aw thank you x

I don't feel like I have guts.  I'm just trying to muddle my way through the mess that he left me with!  But thank you, lots xx

[little doggy]

Courage is knowing how bad things could be and doing it anyway. Don't fret about the nostalgia. I'm 5 years from separation and it took me years to stop having those pangs of nostalgia. Just because our partners were unloving, uncommitted and uncaring, doesn't mean we were. Sounds to me you putting one foot in front of the other (literally and figuratively) and making your way to a better life. I really hope the storm is short and you'll come to sunny days soon.

[jessicapuppy]

Thank you little doggy.  Everyone's support means such a lot.  It's like even when I have to do these things, I'm not doing them alone   

[diotima]

I don't know whether to start a new thread or not, but jessicapuppy's situation led me to post here. Since I last posted here my ex got through my email filter by coming up with a new email address. The reason I am posting here is that I used to work with my ex and he would love nothing more than to have me finish a book with him--it is like jessica's dancing situation. I haven't answered the email. He said he would be in town and if I have a "change of heart" he wants to see me. It will be something selfish on his part. I would like to do the book but the thought of working with him turns my stomach. I guess that's my answer...
Thanks folks
Diotima

[little doggy]

Listen to your stomach ! Write your own book or find a new partner. Then celebrate with a wonderful meal in gratitude to your tummy !

[diotima]

Yep, I do have a new r/s and guess I was triggered by the contact!
Diotima

[jessicapuppy]

Well, I've just received an email from him, wanting to know why my replies to his emails are always so short and concise!  What do you say to that?

[diotima]

Is contact with him necessary?
Diotima

Hi there

It's such as small dance scene up here, and such a specific type of dance, which requires a partner, so he'll just take over if I walk away, taking everything I've worked so hard towards, away from me.  He can find a new 'follow', but there aren't as many good 'leads' up here.  I wouldn't do that to him, but given what's already happened, I don't trust his word too much.

x