Am I being selfish?

[Think About It...]

So the process of looking after ourselves and controlling what we can, that will trigger a response in our SO. I have the situation where, whenever i do something for myself, my SO says i am being selfish, only thinking about myself.
Its like she views it as a competition, if i go bike riding, she should go too, if i go have a beer with a buddy, she should be invited too, etc, i think you get the point. When we met we were separate individuals, now our individualism is enmeshed together and whenever i do something on my own for myself she takes it personally.
How do you manage this ?
How do you start to do things for yourself without triggering a negative response ( if possible ) ?     

[moonunit]

So the process of looking after ourselves and controlling what we can, that will trigger a response in our SO. I have the situation where, whenever i do something for myself, my SO says i am being selfish, only thinking about myself.
Its like she views it as a competition, if i go bike riding, she should go too, if i go have a beer with a buddy, she should be invited too, etc, i think you get the point. When we met we were separate individuals, now our individualism is enmeshed together and whenever i do something on my own for myself she takes it personally.
How do you manage this ?
How do you start to do things for yourself without triggering a negative response ( if possible ) ?     

[Auspicious]

How do you start to do things for yourself without triggering a negative response ( if possible ) ?     

You can't prevent a negative response. All you can do is protect yourself from it.

You can't control how another person reacts to what you do. You may prefer that they react differently, but you can't make them react differently.

We can avoid unnecessary things that make things worse. We can just say "I'm going to go do whatever; see you later" instead of "I'm going to go do whatever and you'd better not try to stop me and you always go places why shouldn't I and ..."

[JustSaying]

So the process of looking after ourselves and controlling what we can, that will trigger a response in our SO.

Not necessarily. We've been mostly talking about changing our mindset. Changing how we validate other people. How we let go of the need to always be right. How we stop doing spiteful things. How we react if the other person rages or provokes.

Now it's always possible that if we change this there will be a response. Then we can look at the response and see if it is a healthy or not a healthy response. And then we make other choices for ourselves based on that. There's no guarantee that the relationship will improve. But if we're making our contributions to the relationship healthier, we're giving it the best shot we can of it succeeding. The other person will either rise to the occasion or they won't.

[moonunit]

so right now, she is flipping out on me because i wrote a review on a travel site without telling her, i guess in her mind i have to tell her everything i do all the time because when i don't i am nothing but a liar, which she is calling me right now, amongst other expeatives.
So to draw a boundary, do i tell her that i do not want to fight and i don't like the tone of the conversation and i will talk to her later ? 

[united for now]

Is it ok for her to yell at you?

If it isn't, then you need to find a way to take care of yourself.

Don't jade
Justify what you did
Attack her
Defend yourself
Make excuses

[LoveNotWar]

moonunit, I have a theory that when my h dysregulates over stuff like the travel review you described  it's because he feels like I abandoned him in an emotional way. I did something he wasn't part. I left him out. This epiphany just came to me this week when I was talking w/ my T.

So I think I validate based on him feeling like I left him out...just a thought.

[CodependentHusband]

LoveNotWar,
     I think you are on to something. I too have been called a liar by my dBPDw for not disclosing silly things as well. What can we do? Follow UFN's advice about JADE, and thrown in some validation if you can find something you can relate to to validate with integrity.

[moonunit]

thanks for the advice. I think the abandonment view is probably a factor in her reactions. The thing about the travel review is that she felt i didn't include her, that she tells me almost everything that goes on in her life and i don't. Besides myself, she only has one other friend whom she confides in and there are things that she won't tell her either that only i am privy too. i explained to her about the trip review and funny thing is, she went on herself and found out that everything i told her was true, i think she realized at some level that she was wrong, never will admit it in a million yrs, but i could tell from her mood. As her calls ramped up and the yelling continued i explained that i would not be responding any further as we were both too caught up in the moment and would say something we regret. I hung up and left work and went home and didn't speak with her for about a hour and half.   She went on and on about the same thing to me later that night ( not yelling, just nagging ), i did not keep on arguing with her, i pointed out that we have already discussed this several times and i validated her points so that she knew that i understood her , and eventually she stopped. She tried to bring it up a few more times and i put an end to that quickly. The next day it was like nothing happened, she was a little nicer to me and i think that was her way of saying sorry. funny at the end of things she says, you know you have to be nicer to me you can't be mean to me all the time - just bizzare, she is the one that became abusive, angry, throwing the accusations at me, and yet i am the one who is not nice  ,  sure have a lot to learn about this illness !   

[Auspicious]

Hanging up when needed, walking out of the room when needed, etc.

Really tough to learn to do, but sometimes necessary

[moonunit]

It is very difficult to do, even more so since i have conditioner her and i myself have been conditioned to keep the dance going, i am learning that this has no positive results, in fact, in all cases results in things being taken way too far for both of us. I know that she cannot control herself when she is fully dysregulated, so its up to me to control the situation. I know she will fight it ( me not answering ), and i will have to pay for it in the short term, the alternative which we both have been living for the past 5 yrs is no longer an option. I never thought i could walk away, i still struggle with it, mind you the more i do it, the more i will become comfortable with it and the better our r/s should become for everyone involved.