Just talking 'aloud'

[Think About It...]

BF has been home sick all week, the doctor says he thinks he has walking pneumonia - I haven't been able to stay home as a big event was taking place at work and I was the only person with the tech skills to make parts of it work, but I feel pretty sick, myself (Been washing hands and not touching people and keeping distant just to be safe).  BF has been cranky about me going to work, but it's not just out of concern about me getting sicker, or passing this onto my coworkers... he seems to feel life is a competition between us at times, and me going to work and him not is me 'winning' and my going to work is judging him, somehow, and not at all related to the fact only I know which adapter goes to what laptop and projector, how to program the slideshows we needed, print our brochures and other certificates to hand out, posters for our hallways and presentations, etc.

I got home a little early yesterday as we were allowed to leave once our department's 200 guests had left, and came in, gave BF a quick run down of the day, and told him I felt terrible and needed some rest.  I know I ahve what he has - the symptoms are similar, but he is both concientious and condescending about my being sick.  He will ask if I need anything but mock me for wanting sleep.   ?

I went to sleep, or tried to, but he's in the strange "got to keep Isilme awake" mode he gets into when I think he must be bored and lonely - for about 15 minutes he kept coming into the bedroom and 'poking' at me, trying to talk, asking questions about when I'd want to wake up, telling me he wanted to show me something, etc.  I got some sleep, woke up to make sure I'd sleep later that night, to find him in a bit of 'freak out mode' about organizing various things of which we have a lot - his comics, his VHS cassettes were the main ones. 

He started talking about how he needs to have all his stuff cleaned up so he can have his heart attack, die, and not leave a mess when he dies, with some jabs at me being lazy because all I wanted to do was rest while he did all this work (he's had years to do it, he's the only one who CAN do it (I don't know what tapes to keep) but rarely gets a steady drive to do so, and no housework, of course, has been done all week since I've been working late and tired, and he does none, instead spending most of his waking hours playing video games and about an hour a day is devoted to these projects). 

I know he was triggered by seeing his parents this last weekend (hoaders and don't take care of themselves), and he's worried his boss is going to be mad at him for being out all week while a deadline he was to meet has been missed, and even that he needs to blame me for it because he can't handle blaming himself, but the fact that he is increasingly talking about having a heart attack is bothering me.  I do not think he will self harm.  He has been checked out and does not have any medical needs causing this heart attack concern.  But when he gets upset, when he dysregulates, I can see how he might feel that his racing pulse and tendency to look for the worst means he's having a coronary.

And the whole work thing is another reason he's wanting to do organizational things at home (his job is a lot of cataloging), he's told me he feels like a bum, and therefore projects onto me calling me a bum, even if mostly indirectly.  And though I am finding it irksome to be called a bum, it's not hurting me as it has of late. 

Does it sound like my needing sleep triggers his abandonment fears somehow?  I admit part of my not staying home today was that I knew I'd not have the chance to sleep as much as I need, and so I might as well be at work, and see about leaving early if it gets too bad to be there.  I know what I need to get better, about 12 hours extra sleep so my body can get past the fever, cough and exhaustion.  Usually when he's working and I am home sick, I can do this and still get to sleep at night.  But since he hates and fears sleep, and connects sleeping with aging and dying, he can only restrain himself for about 2 hours before coming to wake me, and as a light sleeper, it's hard to sleep with him home and awake.

Also, is he talking about himself dying out of fears his parents in their deteriorating health are going to die and leave a hoarding mess for him to sort out?  At least, does that sound to be a reasonable guess at this heart attack/cleaning fixation?  They don't take care of themselves, his dad is looking at having some minor surgery to remove some skin cancer that the dermatologist could not get, his mom is a poorly managed diabetic, and his 92 year old grandmother, who is in awesome shape for her age, is probably not going to be around much longer.

Since I have been put on some ADs last week, at least I am having more luck in not triggering him further - my own emotions are not running super-high so I am doing better trying to validate and not feeling I should 'make' him feel better (though he is upset I am on the pills.  He hates the idea of ADs, and tried to talk me out of them the day I was given them).  I think my brain's serotonin supply must have been running on empty, I felt so raw and didn't even realize it. 

I guess I just needed to type some of this out to help me sort it out in my head. 

[isilme]

BF has been home sick all week, the doctor says he thinks he has walking pneumonia - I haven't been able to stay home as a big event was taking place at work and I was the only person with the tech skills to make parts of it work, but I feel pretty sick, myself (Been washing hands and not touching people and keeping distant just to be safe).  BF has been cranky about me going to work, but it's not just out of concern about me getting sicker, or passing this onto my coworkers... he seems to feel life is a competition between us at times, and me going to work and him not is me 'winning' and my going to work is judging him, somehow, and not at all related to the fact only I know which adapter goes to what laptop and projector, how to program the slideshows we needed, print our brochures and other certificates to hand out, posters for our hallways and presentations, etc.

I got home a little early yesterday as we were allowed to leave once our department's 200 guests had left, and came in, gave BF a quick run down of the day, and told him I felt terrible and needed some rest.  I know I ahve what he has - the symptoms are similar, but he is both concientious and condescending about my being sick.  He will ask if I need anything but mock me for wanting sleep.   ?

I went to sleep, or tried to, but he's in the strange "got to keep Isilme awake" mode he gets into when I think he must be bored and lonely - for about 15 minutes he kept coming into the bedroom and 'poking' at me, trying to talk, asking questions about when I'd want to wake up, telling me he wanted to show me something, etc.  I got some sleep, woke up to make sure I'd sleep later that night, to find him in a bit of 'freak out mode' about organizing various things of which we have a lot - his comics, his VHS cassettes were the main ones. 

He started talking about how he needs to have all his stuff cleaned up so he can have his heart attack, die, and not leave a mess when he dies, with some jabs at me being lazy because all I wanted to do was rest while he did all this work (he's had years to do it, he's the only one who CAN do it (I don't know what tapes to keep) but rarely gets a steady drive to do so, and no housework, of course, has been done all week since I've been working late and tired, and he does none, instead spending most of his waking hours playing video games and about an hour a day is devoted to these projects). 

I know he was triggered by seeing his parents this last weekend (hoaders and don't take care of themselves), and he's worried his boss is going to be mad at him for being out all week while a deadline he was to meet has been missed, and even that he needs to blame me for it because he can't handle blaming himself, but the fact that he is increasingly talking about having a heart attack is bothering me.  I do not think he will self harm.  He has been checked out and does not have any medical needs causing this heart attack concern.  But when he gets upset, when he dysregulates, I can see how he might feel that his racing pulse and tendency to look for the worst means he's having a coronary.

And the whole work thing is another reason he's wanting to do organizational things at home (his job is a lot of cataloging), he's told me he feels like a bum, and therefore projects onto me calling me a bum, even if mostly indirectly.  And though I am finding it irksome to be called a bum, it's not hurting me as it has of late. 

Does it sound like my needing sleep triggers his abandonment fears somehow?  I admit part of my not staying home today was that I knew I'd not have the chance to sleep as much as I need, and so I might as well be at work, and see about leaving early if it gets too bad to be there.  I know what I need to get better, about 12 hours extra sleep so my body can get past the fever, cough and exhaustion.  Usually when he's working and I am home sick, I can do this and still get to sleep at night.  But since he hates and fears sleep, and connects sleeping with aging and dying, he can only restrain himself for about 2 hours before coming to wake me, and as a light sleeper, it's hard to sleep with him home and awake.

Also, is he talking about himself dying out of fears his parents in their deteriorating health are going to die and leave a hoarding mess for him to sort out?  At least, does that sound to be a reasonable guess at this heart attack/cleaning fixation?  They don't take care of themselves, his dad is looking at having some minor surgery to remove some skin cancer that the dermatologist could not get, his mom is a poorly managed diabetic, and his 92 year old grandmother, who is in awesome shape for her age, is probably not going to be around much longer.

Since I have been put on some ADs last week, at least I am having more luck in not triggering him further - my own emotions are not running super-high so I am doing better trying to validate and not feeling I should 'make' him feel better (though he is upset I am on the pills.  He hates the idea of ADs, and tried to talk me out of them the day I was given them).  I think my brain's serotonin supply must have been running on empty, I felt so raw and didn't even realize it. 

I guess I just needed to type some of this out to help me sort it out in my head. 

[Auspicious]

Does it sound like my needing sleep triggers his abandonment fears somehow? 

...

Also, is he talking about himself dying out of fears his parents in their deteriorating health are going to die and leave a hoarding mess for him to sort out?  At least, does that sound to be a reasonable guess at this heart attack/cleaning fixation? 

Any of those things are possible.

The thing is, you can't change, tweak, manage, or control any of it. That's all his stuff.


You also can't depend on him to respect your need for sleep. You have to respect your need for sleep.

What can you do to make sure you get it? Sleep in a locked spare room?  Stay with a friend for a few days? Stay in a hotel?

[isilme]

None of those options are really going to work for me - no spare room, hotels cost money I really don't have, and there is no one to whom I could go to to crash... and I should not have to run out of the house just so I can sleep to get better.

I have told him several times that I am going to use this weekend to get a lot of rest.  And I am going to do it, and try to not to worry about snide remarks about sleeping my life away when I know I put in a 60+ hour week this last week while having the same thing he has.

I know the remarks are coming from a place where HE feels like the lazy one and needs to offset it.  But since I have some fleas from my dad who thought I slept too much (anything past 8AM on a Saturday was too much - I was supposed to be awake and making up new chores to do if I'd already done all the ones that existed, or awake just for the sake of being awake, no matter how I felt.) and who ridiculed me for being sick, I am resisting old reactions to hop up and go clean and do even more than work demanded of me. 

I know I can't change him or his reactions, and am not trying to, but trying to see where they are coming from helps me with dealing with and accepting that.

It's like when your friend snaps at you out of the blue, and you get hurt, and then you learn she found out her mom has cancer and she's stressed, and you happened upon her at the worst time.  Understanding helps make it easier to deal with the outburst.

If acceptance is not admitting defeat in a way, then there must be something else there.  I know this is what it is.  I haven't felt drawn into his personal rages about VCRs not working, about his database programs not cataloging his stuff with 100% ease.  I think part of it is my medication helping take the edge off before I fly into my own emotional mess in response, and part of it is being too sick to exert a lot of emotions.

So, except for the toddler-like "I'm awake you should be too" it hasn't been that bad, though  DO feel sad for him being able to stress himself SO much about things.  I've had my own first week in a while without a crying jag - I hated the out of control emotions enough to finally overcome my fears of talking to a doctor about them and try something new.  And so I empathize at how horrible it must be to always feel so powerless, like he does, especially when  I can see how he DOES have power to fix things bothering him if he'd only own up to them, and take care of them, and accept that a mess that took 10 years to make cannot be cleared away on 2 hours. 

I'm just sort of musing about the odd random ideas he's talking about, such as dying and leaving a mess behind, and looking for the "why now?" I know you can't rationalize the irrational, but looking for his point A to B thinking helps me not invalidate him.  And typing about them helps me look things over. 

[Auspicious]

 

None of those options are really going to work for me - no spare room, hotels cost money I really don't have, and there is no one to whom I could go to to crash... and I should not have to run out of the house just so I can sleep to get better.

No, you shouldn't have to, I agree. But you are choosing to live with someone who does not want to let you sleep.

I was addressing this:

I went to sleep, or tried to, but he's in the strange "got to keep Isilme awake" mode he gets into when I think he must be bored and lonely - for about 15 minutes he kept coming into the bedroom and 'poking' at me, trying to talk, asking questions about when I'd want to wake up, telling me he wanted to show me something, etc.

If telling him to leave you alone works, great!  If not, and if you literally have no choices, then you won't sleep. Which doesn't seem feasible.

I'm just sort of musing about the odd random ideas he's talking about, such as dying and leaving a mess behind, and looking for the "why now?" I know you can't rationalize the irrational, but looking for his point A to B thinking helps me not invalidate him.  And typing about them helps me look things over. 

I don't blame you for wanting to understand his actions. I did notice in my own life that when I shifted from figuring my wife out to figuring out what to do about things, that a lot of stuff improved.

Figuring out how to get sleep without having to rely on his cooperation - however challenging that might be - would ultimately be more than just solving or improving one practical problem. It would a paradigm shift for you - away from "him him him" and instead to "how do I take care of isilme?"

[isilme]

The best I can think of is to pretty much just flat out say I need sleep, and I am too tired ATM to keep up with my regular chores, let alone help with crazy organizational projects that really only he can manage as it is his stuff.  I'm bad about NOT stating things baldly - it feels rude to me, but my passive communication methods aren't cutting it, here. 

He HAS gotten better about not pouting when I go to bed before him on work nights.  I have finally gotten that one down for the most part.  And he tries not to wake me on those occasions, sometimes with success (I wake at a mouse fart, I swear).  The ADs don't seem to be making me sleepy, but I seem to be getting to deep sleep more often than I used to, instead of lying semi-conscious, too asleep to go move around, but too awake to be getting rest.  He managed to come to bed without waking me at all last night - a rarity. 

Isilme is trying to take care of Isilme - lifelong habits are just really hard to break.