pwBP can express grief over losing objects, but not close loved ones

[Think About It...]

Hi---
 This might make for an interesting discussion if people have experiences to share.  My partner can mourn the loss of a bookcase, other objects, and pets. No problem there---some people are sentimental...the problem is that when he lost his close friend, he denied any strong feeling about it. I know he loved his friend. SO I assume that he is in denial about the feelings he has over the loss. If he acknowledged the pain of the loss of a close human being, it might overwhelm him?
    I have heard of pwBP mourning the loss of a tree branch, the closing of a nearby store they never went to anyway, and the loss of a bike. It seems to go beyond the sentimental attachment to objects. Then when it comes to them losing a close friend, they seem to brush it off, while they can sob uncontrollably over the loss of a tree branch.
  Any experiences or ideas to share?

Have a good day

Shatra

[shatra]

Hi---
 This might make for an interesting discussion if people have experiences to share.  My partner can mourn the loss of a bookcase, other objects, and pets. No problem there---some people are sentimental...the problem is that when he lost his close friend, he denied any strong feeling about it. I know he loved his friend. SO I assume that he is in denial about the feelings he has over the loss. If he acknowledged the pain of the loss of a close human being, it might overwhelm him?
    I have heard of pwBP mourning the loss of a tree branch, the closing of a nearby store they never went to anyway, and the loss of a bike. It seems to go beyond the sentimental attachment to objects. Then when it comes to them losing a close friend, they seem to brush it off, while they can sob uncontrollably over the loss of a tree branch.
  Any experiences or ideas to share?

Have a good day

Shatra

[jessicapuppy]

Hi Shatra

I can totally relate to what you are saying.  My exBPDNPDbf could mourn his pets and objects, but he himself used to get very frustrated because he couldn't mourn the death of relatives.  

I have always assumed that it is a defence mechanism, and likely linked to trauma in early years.  I am pretty certain it is not a conscious decision, because my ex used to drive himself mad trying to cry and feel how he thought he should be feeling.

JP
x

[goinbonkers]

Hi---
 This might make for an interesting discussion if people have experiences to share.  My partner can mourn the loss of a bookcase, other objects, and pets. No problem there---some people are sentimental...the problem is that when he lost his close friend, he denied any strong feeling about it. I know he loved his friend. SO I assume that he is in denial about the feelings he has over the loss. If he acknowledged the pain of the loss of a close human being, it might overwhelm him?
    I have heard of pwBP mourning the loss of a tree branch, the closing of a nearby store they never went to anyway, and the loss of a bike. It seems to go beyond the sentimental attachment to objects. Then when it comes to them losing a close friend, they seem to brush it off, while they can sob uncontrollably over the loss of a tree branch.
  Any experiences or ideas to share?

Have a good day

Shatra

Sounds like intimacy issues to me.  You can't be intimate with a tree branch.

[Steph]

It doesnt take BPD for this to happen.

Some people close up, really tight, when they are bereaved. They just go inside, and appear to be distant, but it is not the case.

Ive seen it with fathers of kids who have either died or have serious illness. They take it inside, and they appear uncaring. In fact, that is not at all the case.

 So, it certainly is NOT something specific to BPD.

Steph

[shatra]

Hello--
 Steph wrote
It doesnt take BPD for this to happen.Some people close up, really tight, when they are bereaved. They just go inside, and appear to be distant, but it is not the case. Ive seen it with fathers of kids who have either died or have serious illness. They take it inside, and they appear uncaring. In fact, that is not at all the case. So, it certainly is NOT something specific to BPD.

---There are nons who have trouble with mourning. The part that IS specific to  BPD is the strong reaction to being abandoned, and reacting to any loss as "being abandoned" whereas a non would see it as a loss, not as an actual abandonment , not as "she left me". The other way it is specific to  BPD is that as goingbonkers wrote, it is related to intimacy------a BP can feel "safe" getting close to an animal or a tree branch, and can displace feelings of grief onto a tree branch. Yet when it comes to human intimate relations, many (not all) BPs have trouble staying close to a human who can abandon them, and have trouble mourning the loss of a human. It is "safer" to feel close to an object, or mourn the loss of an object. i also think it is a displacement---the tears and grief they cannot express toward losing a close friend gets displaced onto a tree branch, the loss of which "devastates" them.

Shatra

[Steph]

 Once again, feeling abandoned upon a death is not unique to BPD. Adults who lose their parents have talked about feeling exactly like this...my mommy or daddy left me.

 Grief is a unique experience and everyone does it differently. BPD and other mental health issues can color it a bit, but grief seems to slam everyone in its own way, despite perfect mental health or not.

   I think we have to be really careful when we are talking about grief and how another person handles it. It sounds pretty judgemental to blame the uniqueness of the way one experiences loss on a mental disorder when, indeed, everyone does it quite differently.

Many, many people with BPD do not grieve as described in the original post. Many grieve with tears and emotional pain and feelings of saddness and depression, etc.Many people who do not have BPD can and do grieve that way.

 Remember, too, that one of the stages of grief for everyone is DENIAL.

Perhaps that is what you are seeing..which, again, is a normal grief stage and one that can go on for a bery long time.

Steph

Steph

[shatra]

Steph wrote----
Once again, feeling abandoned upon a death is not unique to BPD.

=====It's much more common among pwBP than nons---feeling abandoned is one of the main criteria for BPD.

 Grief is a unique experience and everyone does it differently. BPD and other mental health issues can color it a bit, but grief seems to slam everyone in its own way, despite perfect mental health or not.

====From what I have seen and read about, grief is drastically different for pwBPs as opposed to nons. They either deny it for years, displace it (and focus on mourning an inanimate object instead), or are devastated and severely depressed over it. BPs fear abandonment, and react more severely than nons do to actual abandonment.

   I think we have to be really careful when we are talking about grief and how another person handles it. It sounds pretty judgemental to blame the uniqueness of the way one experiences loss on a mental disorder when, indeed, everyone does it quite differently.

====Noone is being judgemental. This is what I have researched and experienced with pwBP. I asked about others' expreiences on the topic, to start a discussion.


 Remember, too, that one of the stages of grief for everyone is DENIAL.
Perhaps that is what you are seeing..which, again, is a normal grief stage and one that can go on for a bery long time.

====I have done grief counseling, and what I see with the pwBPD is not a normal grief stage.   I haven't seen any pwBP go through a typical grief process---they react very differently than nons, or people with other diagnoses.

Shatra

[committed]

My BPDBF lost his best friend at an early age about two years ago. I think he handled his grief in pretty much a normal manner. My BF was the unofficial leader of this group of friends due to him being the oldest and they all looked up to him for his knowledge and experience. In this case, when they lost their friend, they looked to him as well for guidance. I was amazed at how strong he was in dealing with the situation because he felt he needed to play the father role and help the other guys deal with the death. Once the funeral was over and things got to normal...as normal as life can be without your best friend and co-worker...my bf had a bit of a breakdown, which was normal and totally expected.

On the other hand, another man in the group who was a close friend with the man who died, refused to attend the funeral or any of the get-togethers related to the death. And, still do this day will not get involved in discussion about this man who died. He told the rest of the group he just has trouble dealing with death so doesn't. This man does not have any mental illnesses that I am aware of.

I have to agree with Steph that people handle death and grief in totally different manners.

[Steph]

My BPDBF lost his best friend at an early age about two years ago. I think he handled his grief in pretty much a normal manner. My BF was the unofficial leader of this group of friends due to him being the oldest and they all looked up to him for his knowledge and experience. In this case, when they lost their friend, they looked to him as well for guidance. I was amazed at how strong he was in dealing with the situation because he felt he needed to play the father role and help the other guys deal with the death. Once the funeral was over and things got to normal...as normal as life can be without your best friend and co-worker...my bf had a bit of a breakdown, which was normal and totally expected.

On the other hand, another man in the group who was a close friend with the man who died, refused to attend the funeral or any of the get-togethers related to the death. And, still do this day will not get involved in discussion about this man who died. He told the rest of the group he just has trouble dealing with death so doesn't. This man does not have any mental illnesses that I am aware of.

I have to agree with Steph that people handle death and grief in totally different manners.

 And both ways are typical for grieving

There is no one way that is right or wrong.

When prolonged grief comes into play..dysfunctional grief..is when there is a problem. That is when the person bereaved does not come out of the typical stages of grief and seems stuck in the early stages, unable to function after months or years. That isnt what this post is talking about, but this is what is considered dysfunctional grieving in the psychiatric/mental health arenas.