Love my BPDD22 but I am still angry

[Think About It...]

My BPDd22, who left home and has been homeless since October, with her homeless bf, will be joining us for a family birthday this weekend.  We have seen her a few times since then, she came over a couple of times and I have worked hard at radical acceptance and Wise Mind.  When we saw her previously, she kept her location secret because her paranoid bf didn't want anyone (mostly me, I think he believes I will snatch my dd back) to know where he was

As hard as it has been this past half year, missing her at Christmas and her birthday, I have sent emails, wishing her happy holidays, letting her know some local gossip, always signing love you and miss you. 

So now she and her bf have managed to rent a place , and she has even given me the address so she can be picked up tomorrow.   She is really quite brave, to decide to come to this birthday celebration with members of my extended family that are all pretty aware of her story. She hasn't seen anyone since October. I think my family will just accept that she is there without any drama (radical acceptance, I hope).

And no mention of homeless bf coming, he has painted everyone in my family black, even though he lived with us for a month.

So  while I am very pleased that we are having this much contact, I have to work hard at not thinking of the past.  I have quite a lot of anger that I can't quite get rid of.  She has lied and stolen from me, she has accused me of being the cause of her problems, she threatened to call the police for 'cyberstalking' her when she was homeless and I contacted one of her fb friends to find out if she was okay, and just plain angry that she hurt me, I guess. I think, being her adoptive parents, I felt that she was rejecting us. But she has continued to reach out from time to time, even calling to leave a message for my husband's birthday, and responding to one of my emails with a 'love you lots'

My logical side wants to have an accounting of all the rights and wrongs, and would love to have an apology from her!  But I know that won't happen, so I am using this board to validate my anger

Having this BPD child is like having a china vase that has been broken and repaired.  While you may re glue the broken piece so the vase looks almost as good as new, you always know the crack is there, a weak spot.

[Outsidemom]

My BPDd22, who left home and has been homeless since October, with her homeless bf, will be joining us for a family birthday this weekend.  We have seen her a few times since then, she came over a couple of times and I have worked hard at radical acceptance and Wise Mind.  When we saw her previously, she kept her location secret because her paranoid bf didn't want anyone (mostly me, I think he believes I will snatch my dd back) to know where he was

As hard as it has been this past half year, missing her at Christmas and her birthday, I have sent emails, wishing her happy holidays, letting her know some local gossip, always signing love you and miss you. 

So now she and her bf have managed to rent a place , and she has even given me the address so she can be picked up tomorrow.   She is really quite brave, to decide to come to this birthday celebration with members of my extended family that are all pretty aware of her story. She hasn't seen anyone since October. I think my family will just accept that she is there without any drama (radical acceptance, I hope).

And no mention of homeless bf coming, he has painted everyone in my family black, even though he lived with us for a month.

So  while I am very pleased that we are having this much contact, I have to work hard at not thinking of the past.  I have quite a lot of anger that I can't quite get rid of.  She has lied and stolen from me, she has accused me of being the cause of her problems, she threatened to call the police for 'cyberstalking' her when she was homeless and I contacted one of her fb friends to find out if she was okay, and just plain angry that she hurt me, I guess. I think, being her adoptive parents, I felt that she was rejecting us. But she has continued to reach out from time to time, even calling to leave a message for my husband's birthday, and responding to one of my emails with a 'love you lots'

My logical side wants to have an accounting of all the rights and wrongs, and would love to have an apology from her!  But I know that won't happen, so I am using this board to validate my anger

Having this BPD child is like having a china vase that has been broken and repaired.  While you may re glue the broken piece so the vase looks almost as good as new, you always know the crack is there, a weak spot.

[mikmik]

Outsidemom,

I applaude your courage and your consistancy of support of your dd.  You love her and want her to know this.  This is the hallmark of a good and loving parent.  Keep that gem in your heart!  Of course, all things in the past have a heavy influence on how we behave and feel in the here and now.  All the stuff you dd has done in the past, it is like getting your hand slammed in a door over and over and over.  Naturally, you are reluctant to put your hand in the doorway again!  You did not ask for this, nor do you deserve it.  This is not some kharmic payback, it is just BPD.  Unfair and cruel.    You are afraid, and the fear becomes anger.  Naturally! 

I am there in that position often. Recently,  I have tried asking myself when the emotion rises up from the pit of my stomach, what good is this emotion going to do for me?  Is it going to make the situation better, is it going to make me feel better.   Not so much for her, albeit it does benefit her, but for me. For my health.   I try to acknowledge it before it takes me over.  "Oh, I know you, and I understand why you are trying to get my attention."  For me it seems to help curb the emotion and therefore how I react to dd. I still get pissed when I hear the successful exploits of my friend's kids who are leading productive, normal, loving lives.  I wish I was in my early 20's and knew then what I know now.  When that happens, I try to bring myself back to mindfulness.  I try to find some compassion for me.

BPD seems like a terrible, deadly, scary storm that swirls around our children.  We just have to keep trying to get through the violent wall to find the calm of the eye.  That is the place our real children reside. Being a storm chaser isn't easy.  That's why we are the brave parents.  I hope instead of feeling anger, that you can celebrate what a tremedous person you are to have lived with this for 22 years.  You are devoted.  You love your child.  With all that you have been through, that is remarkable.  I hope you can wrap yourself up in that knowledge, and know that you are fabulous.

mikmik

[heronbird]

That was one of my hardest times when dd left home and was living alone on streets last year. On the one occasion I saw her she had a horrid coat on and looked just like a typical homeless person.

Byt reading lots of posts on here I see that lots of pwBPD do this, I just dont get why?

[seekinglight]

Anger is a valid reaction to being hurt by someone you love so often and without the usual remorse on their side.   Try not to want to deny the anger, it is an emotion like any other and just 'is', but accept that you are angry. 

Now, what do you do with that anger?  Certainly unleashing it at your daughter would be tempting, but not productive.  BPD seems to break some understanding in our children that their treatment of us  is terribly hurtful and creates barriers.  I know my daughter always expected that any reaching out by her would be met with complete and utter acceptance, no matter what words or actions she had engaged in.

What do we do with the anger/ hurt? 

I know it sometimes energizes me to do physical hard tasks, (deep cleaning, yard work) or alternatively deenergizes me to a feeling of hopelessness.  I do find admitting what I am going through, and doing 'something' no matter how small to validate ME is helpful.

Your daughter is fortunate to have you as her mother, and I can tell you love her.   But that does not mean we always will like our children or their behavior.

[Reality]

Dear Outsidemom,
Myself, I am a cracked pot with many weak and strange meanderings.  I have worked hard to develop strategies to protect myself from being smashed at those places of vulnerability.  Honestly, I don't think our sufferers are any more cracked than others, but the behaviors are certainly more dramatic. 
Your daughter clearly loves you dearly, but she is making choices which jar with your values and also with your hopes for her.  For me, that breaks my heart, my body and my mind.  What to do with the anger?  I guess we just keep living with it, until the process is complete.  I have been able to transform some of it through advocacy initiatives, which I find very empowering.  I see BPD as a societal disorder, which I realize is not the accepted paradigm; however, it fits for me and so I work on projects, to make other people's lives easier.  I figure every time I mention BPD to anyone, I am breaking down the barriers of discrimination. 
Just my own perspective and ramblings,
Reality

[Outsidemom]

Anger is a hard emotion to rid yourself of.  We all want to feel justified and get a pound of flesh for injustices done to us.

My employment involves dealing with people in all walks of life, and I am often the messenger of unpleasant news and I have learned to deflect most of the anger by explaining the rational of the government behind decisions.  I can direct their actions, but the phrase I keep hearing repeated by people who are able to see that there are no alternatives, and have found a way of coping, is
"It is what it is".

"It is what it is". Radical acceptance. That, and deep cleaning and gardening!

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[twojaybirds]

It is what it is.  Now how easy is that?  If only the anger cold dissapate with that phrase.
The longer my d is away the less I feel a need for restitution/apology.

I cannot anticpate how I will feel or react when she comes knocking. 
It is peacful now in an odd way. 
We are on Spring Break.  I have no idea where she is.
There has been nothing on her fb wall for 3 days.

I could email her however I am afraid of opening a door she nor I am ready for.  As with therapy I think she needs to contact me, on her terms.  I don't want to push her or have her think I am pushing her/not trusting her.  I think not contacting her is some ways is validating her maturity to be on her own.

[cfh]

Wow!  I just printed out all of your responses to this post and I'm going to reread them everyday. They will help me with all of the emotions I struggle with...thank you. 

[mikmik]

Miindfulness seems to be eluding me right now.  I love my dd18, but am soooooo pi***d right now.  She wants to loose weight, has horrilbe stretch marks due to weight gain, part from the pill, part from meds, part from emotional eating.  Her doc wants her to loose weight.  Paying for ANOTHER gym.  She liked it wanted to up her sessions weekly. Now does not have the conviction.  But, if we ask her if she is going, try to cheerlead, etc. she resents it.  If we don't say anything, she won't go.  Asked her t'night if she wants to go to the gym for herself, or if she just wants to cancel memebership.  She told me if I would pay for surgery to remove stretch marks, she would go, and if there was hope to get the ugly marks gone,  she would manage weight (but if she keeps gaining, she will keep getting more).  Tummy tuck kind of thing.  Well, why would I pay for it if she is not willing to make the steps to loose the weight.  She says she won't loose they weight if there is no hope of looking better *stretch marks are a deal breaker for her self worth*.  I don't know if I should keep supporting her on an off again gym goings, if I should seriously consider letting her have the surgery, if this is all BPD BS.  All she does is eat.  I know it is not narcotics, or alcohol, or cutting, but it is addiction and self abuse.  I am just mad right now and need to get over it and try acceptance.  But I am several moments way from being able to do that, so here I am.

mik

[Reality]

mikmik
It seems to me as well that over-eating is in the same self-harming category as alcohol, cutting and drugs.  Same reason for behavior, emotional regulation.  In many ways, it is also quite debilitating.  What a tricky dilemma you have with your daughter!  Sigh!
Wish I had some ideas.
Reality

[mikmik]

Reality,

Thank you for your compassion.  I was thinking someone may say count your lucky stars...  I know that many parents would trade my situation with food, for drug use, homelessness, etc.  I did not want to seem unaware or non-caring of other's situations.  But you are right, it is dibilitating, especially for girls.  AND not only did she get BPD tendancies from her dad *udxBPD*, but his tendancy for stretch marks..  I see that these kids of ours have to face stigmas with their disorder and how it plays out in the rest of their lives.  They are so unequipped Reality, so unequipped. 

How is your darling doing?  I must say I look for your posts, as they keep me and my mind more generally positvely focused on the fact that they are still our beloveds.  I am less angry now, with the simple note from you.  Thanks again for your compassion and overall fabulosity.   By the way, Are you getting the Autism commercials in Canada that say "Odds are 1 out of 110 childrend will be diagonosed with Autism".  Famous people are on TV with their young autistic family members.  Still think we have a LOOOONNNGGG way to go before we have that kind of awarenss.

mik

[Reality]

mikmik
I was thinking again of your daughter.  Maybe she doesn't have the tools for healthy eating.  There is so much misinformation and if one has difficulty regulating one's emotions, it might be very difficult to make good food choices.  I wonder if she would like to attend a Weight Watchers program or something similar.  There is a lot of support in the group meetings and the leaders are non-judgmental and help people to solve their eating issues.  Just an idea.  I know I can't exercise if I gain a bit of weight.  My body shuts down on me if I am not careful to eat properly.  Seriously.
In a way, it makes sense.  If the body isn't fueled properly, it won't function well.
My family psycho-educational group is training me to look for the underlying feelings in any situation.  I wonder what your daughter is feeling?  What is holding her back from going to the gym?  There may be several reasons.  It might help to ask her in a Wise Mind, sort of professional kind of way, like a kind teacher or a thoughtful friend.  Muse about what she might be feeling.  Sometimes that helps. 
Yes, our darlings suffer way worse than we can even imagine.  Honestly, how bad must it be if she eats to regulate her emotions?  Unbelievably terrifying, I am sure.
mikmik, you are always very kind and I appreciate your encouraging words to me.
I hope other people have some ideas for you because it helps to have lots of perspectives and options, doesn't it?
Reality

[cfh]

Reality
You are so amazingly compassionate!  You never seem to feel anger only a unique understanding of your pwBPD.  I don't know how you do it...but I have learned so much from you. Maybe someday I'll get to that place.

[heronbird]

Yes Reality,

Please come over to lovely UK and run a support group, you would be so good.

mik,
do you also think that the sex thing with BPD is also self harm, some one said that on a post and I thought how true that is.

[mikmik]

Heron,

YES!  I do think the not taking the meds is indeed another form of self harm. Brilliant notion, it did not occur to me!   Is part of not caring, and redirecting pain?  Maybe because some of the meds dulls her and her creativity, she needs to be off of them to "feel" again, to have her creativity back?  She was on lexapro several years ago and said it make her feel sick.  Pdoc told her to keep taking it.  Gained 30 lbs.  Finally took herself off without supervision.  Think part of it is she does not trust the meds and they are not the magic fix.

To all,

In this thread, I have leaned that all of us are battling the medication thing in one way or another.  It is scary and frustrating, and bottom line, none of the meds fix our children.  I think everyone who has posted has given me a bit more courage to keep going on. Thank you everyone for sharing the truth of your stories.  It is refreshing to have a place to be able to be honest without fear of judgement.  You all rock.

mik

 

[heronbird]

Well, it makes me feel a whole lot better thinking the sex thing is self harm, sounds strange but you know what I mean. One thing I  and my dd love is Les Miserables at the Theatre I have seen it at least 8 times Id say, dd bought me a ticket to go with her at Christmas because she said I do so much for her and shes put me through so much.
Now she says opposite 

I tell you what I think about your first paragraph I cant do quotes still. Someone I met who is BPD age 52 told me that they are like crabs, they go the long way round to ask for help, so stop taking meds recklessly, they know what the consiquences might be but it will get them the help they want, they just cant say, can you just help me, and if they do, people dont take them seriously. Its like what reality said they do not have the tools to ask for help etc.

[heronbird]

Oh sorry, shame you cant delet your posts just realised I didnt say what I wanted to say about Les Mis. it was to do with the sex thing when she becomes a prostitute in the play she sings "dont you know youre making love to one already dead" and I always felt so sad at that point about 20 years ago before BPD in my life.

[Outsidemom]

So my dh picked up my dd22 from her new apartment on the weekend, and she wondered why I hadn't come along to see the place, she spent all morning cleaning up.  The last time I saw her, I had to drop her off on the opposite side of the highway because her paranoid bf didn't want me to know where they were staying.  
My dd22 breezes in, talking loud and fast, full of all the great things going her way, quite manic. My d15 shrinks away and becomes the quiet mouse, a role she hasn't had to take since BPDd22 moved out.

Then dd22 very excitedly tells me her bf asked her to marry him, he was crying last night and wants to be part of our family.  Puhleeze!  This guy didn't want me to communicate with my dd22, went to his lawyer (you know, the lawyer homeless people have ;p ) and was going to call the cops if I "cyberstalked" her.  I couldn't respond with much more than "There is a lot of water under that bridge".  

It is almost like my emotions are turned off, or is it because this dd22 bears so little resemblance to the pretty bright girl I raised.

She was just as bright and witty at the family birthday party we went to, told everyone that she was getting married, and my family responded with simple congratulations to her, and rolled eyes to me.

By the time we moved to another family celebration on my dh side, the wind had gone out of her sails.  His family isn't as close and knows none of the drama we have gone through, and didn't pay a whole lot of attention to her.  She was back to her petulant self, and how she didn't care for this person and that person.

Oddly enough, my anger is gone, replaced with a flat line of emotion.  

My d15 has a lot of resentment to her her sister and is much less happy when she is around.  My dh is full of anger towards her right now, and wants her to recognize to herself and us what she has put us through.

It is what it is.  Time to move on, I guess.

[Outsidemom]

Hah, the only thing that runs through my head is that we have to change our wills.  Darned if homeless bf will benefit if we both pass.  We need a trust or something- how sad it would be for the two of them to run through in a short time what we spent a life time building.

[pattyt]

Hah, the only thing that runs through my head is that we have to change our wills.  Darned if homeless bf will benefit if we both pass.  We need a trust or something- how sad it would be for the two of them to run through in a short time what we spent a life time building.

My husband and I were discussing that very thing today.  We talked about needing to put something in place to protect our dd and provide for her because she may not ever be able to do this for herself.  Almost like you have to set up a guardian for a small child.