Possible BPD wife wants to get a divorce

[Think About It...]

Not sure where to begin...

We have had such an emotional rollercoaster over the past 10 years and I just want to get things to be stable.  Right now, there is nothing I can do right by her, and this opinion she has of me is always in the back of my mind even when things seem to ok.  This affects me and our whole relationship negatively worse and worse each time around.

Where do I go next?

[husband1111]

Not sure where to begin...

We have had such an emotional rollercoaster over the past 10 years and I just want to get things to be stable.  Right now, there is nothing I can do right by her, and this opinion she has of me is always in the back of my mind even when things seem to ok.  This affects me and our whole relationship negatively worse and worse each time around.

Where do I go next?

[husband1111]

To add to my previous post.  I may have BPD as well.  I do know that when she starts with me that our tempers flare up like a volcano.  Sometimes I can diffuse it and sometimes not.  Sometimes I can be completely calm and she will lay into me as if I weren't anyways. 

I am getting a lot of info about coping and such in these pages, but so far I haven't seen how to deal with her telling me she wants a divorce.  Knowing what has happened in the past, I know if I beg her to stay she probably will, but then this cycle starts all over again.  I never made it in the other direction further than staying a night or two away in a hotel, but these things just pile on to the junkyards full of crap that I did wrong in her eyes. 

[momtario]

 

I'm sorry about how things have been going with your wife.  The lessons to the right of this page can really help you to understand what is going on in your relationship, and how you can work to solve your 50% of the problems. If you are concerned about your own mental health, the easiest thing to do to rule out (or diagnose) something like BPD is to see a therapist yourself. Many of our members are seeing therapists, to help us deal with the turmoil in our relationships. It helps if you can find one well versed in BPD, not only for your concerns about yourself, but also so they understand where you are coming from when you talk about your wife. Many of us frequently question whether or not we also have BPD, and this is usually caused by what we call fleas 

All of the lessons will help you so much, husband1111, but I have highlighted a few that I think you may wish to start with here. Take care 

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

How to take a time out

Can a BPD partner cause poor executive control in us?

[JJ_GA]

husband1111,
I went through a similarly tumultuous 10-year marriage with a woman who probably wasn't BPD, but who was unhappy with herself and her life and blamed me for all of it.  Her life would be perfect if only I would [fill in the blank].  It's a toxic environment, and carrying the burden of someone else's unhappiness on your shoulders will wear you down eventually.

Here's where I would start: ask yourself if this is a marriage you really want to be in.  Are you truly getting fulfillment out of it, or is this just something you prefer to the alternative of being alone?  Are you and you wife life partners or co-dependents? In other words, is this a marriage or a security blanket?  In my case, I realized that both of us were remaining in the marriage not because we were in love, but because we were comfortable with the routine predictability of our life together, and we both found that preferable to the great unknown that lay on the other side of divorce. 

If you both truly believe that this can become a healthy, fulfilling relationship, then I recommend you find a good counselor.  From what your describing, it sounds like your marriage has some significant structural damage.  I don't believe you and your wife stand a good chance of fixing that without the assistance of a professional.

 

[LoveNotWar]

Husband...here's a good book:

"High-Conflict Couple" by Alan Fruzzetti.

It's the one book I bought in paperback. I have mostly switched over to e books but I needed to highlight, tab and in general dog ear this one. It's a must read...

[CaptainM]

I am getting a lot of info about coping and such in these pages, but so far I haven't seen how to deal with her telling me she wants a divorce.

Do you think her wanting a divorce is a reactionary response when she's dysregulated (ie is it something she's saying on impulse)? Is it maybe her way of saying that she's absolutely frustrated with the relationship and not sure how to proceed?

[CodependentHusband]

Husband...here's a good book:

"High-Conflict Couple" by Alan Fruzzetti.

It's the one book I bought in paperback. I have mostly switched over to e books but I needed to highlight, tab and in general dog ear this one. It's a must read...

For what it is worth, it's available as an eBook too! My Kindle iPhone app allows for highlighting... dog-earing my iPhone doesn't work too well though, I'll admit. 

[CodependentHusband]

husband1111,
    I'd like to share some experience with you here... Of course, everyone's mileage will vary, but I too have had many divorce threats, and this can be fairly common in non/BPD relationships. From working the tools here, my wife doesn't threaten divorce anywhere near the frequency she used to prior to November of last year. momtario has sent you some really good information to start out with. There is a LOT that you can do to improve things dramatically, even without her cooperation.

[Auspicious]

After ten years my wife (later diagnosed BPD) ran off to another city, ODed on her medications, went into a women's shelter (for no logical reason that I can see), got a free lawyer, and threatened divorce when she finally got in touch with me.

My initial response was to beg, basically - look, just come home, I'll do whatever you want, I'll agree about the things we disagreed about, etc. Her response to that was just contempt, and maybe a vague carrot of hope that if I earned my way back into her good graces over a long period of time, there was some remote possibility. (Keep in mind that I really hadn't done anything, and she had been the one to run off and act crazy.)

After posting here, and turning my brain back on, I finally, rather suddenly realized that I was jumping through hoops for a seriously mentally ill woman. I decided to start doing what made sense, instead of trying to jump through her hoops.


My suggestion is that you let go of the fear of her divorce threat. She can, and might divorce you, and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. But you can start focusing on doing what is healthy and what makes sense. You can start getting your life back. That may shock her and may well change things, but even if it doesn't, you'll be better off for it.

And do read our Lessons - I know it feels like the last thing you want to do right now, but you'll be glad you did.

[yeeter]

After posting here, and turning my brain back on, I finally, rather suddenly realized that I was jumping through hoops for a seriously mentally ill woman. I decided to start doing what made sense, instead of trying to jump through her hoops.

!    Great insight right there.

Which doesn't mean all a sudden she will recover and act normal, she may very well not.  But she might.  Either way, it's important that YOU recover and get your brain turned back on...

[husband1111]

It's not impulsive.  She's fed up that I am not romantic anymore.  I try to think of things but the truth is I was never very romantic.  I have had a couple of ideas along the way, but the majority of things we have done together we her idea.  The problem is that unless my idea is over the top and I manage to pull it off at the same time (regardless of expense,) it usually turns out to be a disappointment to her.  It's always too boring or she'll find something wrong with it. 

[Neverknow]

After posting here, and turning my brain back on, I finally, rather suddenly realized that I was jumping through hoops for a seriously mentally ill woman. I decided to start doing what made sense, instead of trying to jump through her hoops.

Quote of the day!

[Auspicious]

It's not impulsive.  She's fed up that I am not romantic anymore.  I try to think of things but the truth is I was never very romantic.  I have had a couple of ideas along the way, but the majority of things we have done together we her idea.  The problem is that unless my idea is over the top and I manage to pull it off at the same time (regardless of expense,) it usually turns out to be a disappointment to her.  It's always too boring or she'll find something wrong with it. 

Many of us here have been through that, husband1111.

If she has BPD, she can't be satisfied that way. She feels a void, and she thinks it can be filled by grand romantic gestures, but it can't, because that isn't where the void is coming from. 

The usual "logic"

-I'm unhappy.

-Someone must be making me unhappy

-You are "someone"

-If only you would stop doing X or start doing Y or do Z better, I'd be happy


So the non tries to jump through hoop after hoop, to make him/her happy ... at best it momentarily distracts her, but it doesn't last.


(None of which is to say "never try to be romantic" ... just that it isn't the basic problem.)

[husband1111]

Before we were together, I used to be able to self-sooth by playing an instrument or playing a vg.  Now that we are together, We've rarely been in a situation where we can truly leave each other at peace enough to self-sooth, so when tempers flare up to that point, I will leave and take a walk.  Unfortunately, the extinction bursts are there, to that point I came back one time to see all of my things thrown on the street, another time a hole in my guitar.  The few times where I think I may have gotten her to truly self sooth was when I actually left for a longer period of time to go to a hotel.  I hope I can stop the extinction bursts for the sake of the few possessions I have left!

I think that intermittent reinforcement may be the problem.  She'll call and leave nasty messages threatening to shut off my phone or something to that affect, or I'll answer and totally ruin the purpose of the time out.  So as long as I remember not to take the bait then I hope this will improve over the long haul.

I did it again last night, this time after reading on here and trying to follow the guidelines, so she immediately took me as taking a time out as not listening to her, even though I told her that if she raises her voice or resorts to name-calling I am going to take a walk. 

So I know I have a rough road ahead of me, regardless of whether she stays or goes.  At times I feel like more than anything that I just want to be done with the chaos that this creates and this makes me want to give up.  The problem is that we have children and a dog and I feel like that not only would I be giving up on my wife but on them as well.  She has alienated her entire family, so it would be just her until she finds someone else or reconciles with family. 

[yeeter]

Hi 1111,

One of the reasons the advice is to focus on yourself, is that you need yourself in an emotionally strong and healthy state to be able to handle the relationship without getting destroyed.

Its rough at times, and I feel for what you are going through.

But really, you have to do it this way.  Because you cant stay in a relationship that isnt healthy for your own person, so by definition you have to take a path that if it works, it truly works for BOTH of you.

Hang tough.

 

[husband1111]

Thank you Yeeter,

It is hard to hang in there at times because we don't have any support system.  I understand why she feels so isolated, because lately I feel the same way.  We moved out of state to get away from her family, and I had backed off of mine a lot as well.  There is always a family member saying something to trigger her emotions, and she will wait until long afterward to divert her emotion onto me for something that was said when I wasn't even in the room to defend it. 

With that said, I can't even feel that I can talk to them about any of our problems because as soon as there is some hint of a conversation that took place without her knowing about it then to her that means we are having a grand ole time badmouthing her behind her back.

This board is a major help for me.  It may well help me save my sanity.   

[yeeter]

1111,

Let me pass along this post that I was sent when I first came here.  I have found it to be excellent, and go back to it from time to time.  I believe it was UFN or NewWorld that sent it to me originally (sorry I dont remember which - they have both offered such excellent support so apologies to the original author - I will try to find out which but in the meantime for your consideration (Its all about taking care of yourself - and you DO need your own support system so you may as well start working on this right now):

-------------------------------------------------------
Hey yeeter-

Did I say "read the essential family guide to BPD"?

This book will help you answer a lot of questions.

basically, there are a few 'categories" that we all have to make sure are in check:

1) health -

a) are you going for annual physicals? Are you getting your teeth cleaned every six months?  Do you have any outstanding problems that need physical therapy, etc...

b) Are you exercising everyday?

c) Are you sleeping 8-9 hours a night, during reasonable hours (before midnight, up before 9)

d) are you eating healthy food, in the right proportion for you? see a nutritionist if "no"?

e) are you hydrated?

If the answer is "no" to any of these, start here first by taking steps towards goals to achieve these things

Mental health:

a) do you have your own T who understand BPD?

b) Do you have a spiritual group that you feel safe with that is relaxing?

c) do you have IRL support groups/classes (like NAMI) to go to to help you understand how to live with mental illness?

d) Do you have good relaxation technique/ opportunity for a certain period every day?

e) do you take "mini breaks" where you go out with your kids, or friends or family,or alone WITHOUT her for half a day or so? Any mini vacations, like an overnight?

Home

a) does your home have a routine?

b) is it clean and organized so you can function?

hobbies

sports team at work?

fantasy football club?

language class?

Anything that you have always dreamed of doing, but were too afraid to? Something you love and stopped doing?  Anything that gets you out of the house or in a "zone" in a workshop for a few hours a week?

Once you get these things under control, or notice what ISN'T under control/ too tightly controlled, you might start to uncover where you can make changes that affect only you and require no one's permission because they are about your needs.

A lot of this stuff seems "external", but they usually are a reflection of internal chaos...It also looks a lot easier than done sometimes..

So, how do you rate ?  think you can find places to improve your situation? What if you could mae a schedule that accounted for no one but you? what would it look like?

[flatspin]

After posting here, and turning my brain back on, I finally, rather suddenly realized that I was jumping through hoops for a seriously mentally ill woman. I decided to start doing what made sense, instead of trying to jump through her hoops.

!    Great insight right there.

Which doesn't mean all a sudden she will recover and act normal, she may very well not.  But she might.  Either way, it's important that YOU recover and get your brain turned back on...

Absolutely, I love that paragraph too. My situation is peculiar but even so, I've been threatened with dismissing the engagement before the wedding, with divorce once married and separation literaly dozens of times ; even 3 or 4 days after our wedding, everything was already over, according to her. Even tonight, in reality...

As was wisely said here on this thread also, she might be frustrated by the relationship but how is it possible to fill her needs when all the demands are nonsensical and contradictory ? One day it is "white", the day after, it is "black", etc. Within days, she wants everything and its contrary, she wants it all, she wants it now and she wants to have her cake and eat it.

At first, I was worrying but now I'm used to her ways, "once bitten, twice shy" so I leave her alone for a while so she calms down and don't worry too much. She always came back. It saddens me a lot because I love her and wish our relationship would be more peaceful but that's the way it is. The problem is that spats keep coming back because her demands are impossible or nonsensical so now, I try to do my best and try to find ways to calm her down and make her forget said demands for a while. As you said, I turn my brain back on and try to keep my feet steady on the ground despite the gusts of her critics and threats.

[goinbonkers]

Not sure where to begin...

We have had such an emotional rollercoaster over the past 10 years and I just want to get things to be stable.  Right now, there is nothing I can do right by her, and this opinion she has of me is always in the back of my mind even when things seem to ok.  This affects me and our whole relationship negatively worse and worse each time around.

Where do I go next?

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

After threatening divorce for basically the duration of our marriage, my BPDw has filed for divorce a month ago.  Of course she did it because I did not do X, Y, or Z.  I have jumped through her hoops before and she'd often find some way to move the hoop, or make it smaller, or figure out some kind of way to make you miss her whatever it may be.

So I sit here now just waiting for the divorce to go through and focusing on taking care of myself.  

I do this because there is nothing else I can do.  

If she feels she will be happy as soon as she divorces me, there is nothing I can do to change that.

It is sad and painful for me but what she thinks is always her reality regardless of what reality really is.

[husband1111]

I just left again to try to enforce a boundary and prevent another rage induced fight.  So I am stuck walking around at 2am while she is leaving messages to the tune of "don't ever come back."  At this point she has the keys to my car and I am too broke to book a hotel.  Its gonna be a long night.