Losing reality again- splitting, flip flopping, black and white

[Think About It...]

I'm so tired of being with somebody (uBPDbf) who has such a constantly changing target of self image, goals and reality. It is exhausting and making me question my own reality.
If he says one things today, rest assured he will say the opposite tomorrow, and heaven forbid I remember or point out that fact. Then I am unsupportive or just plain controlling for not letting him change his mind.
I understand  most of these behaviours are a symptom of BPD. The most frustrating of which is admitting he has a problem and accepting that it might be something like BPD or major depression, and then a few weeks later minimizing the whole thing and saying it has way more to do with my inability to listen an empathize. His newest is taking my self admitted codependence and suggesting that if we fix me, everything else will fall in to place. I had to internally laugh.
He is an ever moving target. Idolizing himself one minute and hating himself the next. Doing the same to me. Understanding that his marijuana addiction is just that, a real addiction, and after one day of trying to quit going back to saying "It's no big deal" or "I'll quit when we have kids". Hah. Asking me to support him during the difficult quitting period and then getting mad at me when I'm not as supportive when he gives in after 24 hours. Wanting special treatment and empathy for how rough he's had it in life, but then saying he's "fine" and "over it" when it works against him.
It's so frustrating trying to be there for someone who will always find some other reason to be unhappy with themselves and/or you.
I do understand that he feels like I am always trying to change him or that he will never be good enough for me. But he feels this way because I have asked him to stop doing things like:
-Emotionally/verbally abusing me
-Raging
-Constantly criticizing
-And quit smoking pot if he can't control it
I haven't asked him to change his hobbies(besides pot), his friends, his job, his religion, his family, etc.
He has insulted/asked me to change every one of those items pertaining to me. I've set boundaries and am doing more things for me, but he just sees this as driving us further and further apart.

As I'm sure many of you know, its nearly impossible to talk about these things with your pwBPD. I'm not sure if I'm willing to dedicate my life to these tools if he is going to continue to live in denial. It sounds like a life of drama, stress and lonliness. I just feel like I am losing reality again and wondering if there is enough love between us to keep me trying.

[Peace4ME]

I'm so tired of being with somebody (uBPDbf) who has such a constantly changing target of self image, goals and reality. It is exhausting and making me question my own reality.
If he says one things today, rest assured he will say the opposite tomorrow, and heaven forbid I remember or point out that fact. Then I am unsupportive or just plain controlling for not letting him change his mind.
I understand  most of these behaviours are a symptom of BPD. The most frustrating of which is admitting he has a problem and accepting that it might be something like BPD or major depression, and then a few weeks later minimizing the whole thing and saying it has way more to do with my inability to listen an empathize. His newest is taking my self admitted codependence and suggesting that if we fix me, everything else will fall in to place. I had to internally laugh.
He is an ever moving target. Idolizing himself one minute and hating himself the next. Doing the same to me. Understanding that his marijuana addiction is just that, a real addiction, and after one day of trying to quit going back to saying "It's no big deal" or "I'll quit when we have kids". Hah. Asking me to support him during the difficult quitting period and then getting mad at me when I'm not as supportive when he gives in after 24 hours. Wanting special treatment and empathy for how rough he's had it in life, but then saying he's "fine" and "over it" when it works against him.
It's so frustrating trying to be there for someone who will always find some other reason to be unhappy with themselves and/or you.
I do understand that he feels like I am always trying to change him or that he will never be good enough for me. But he feels this way because I have asked him to stop doing things like:
-Emotionally/verbally abusing me
-Raging
-Constantly criticizing
-And quit smoking pot if he can't control it
I haven't asked him to change his hobbies(besides pot), his friends, his job, his religion, his family, etc.
He has insulted/asked me to change every one of those items pertaining to me. I've set boundaries and am doing more things for me, but he just sees this as driving us further and further apart.

As I'm sure many of you know, its nearly impossible to talk about these things with your pwBPD. I'm not sure if I'm willing to dedicate my life to these tools if he is going to continue to live in denial. It sounds like a life of drama, stress and lonliness. I just feel like I am losing reality again and wondering if there is enough love between us to keep me trying.

[OTB]

His newest is taking my self admitted codependence and suggesting that if we fix me, everything else will fall in to place. I had to internally laugh.

Got the same thing from my ex.  In fact even 4-1/2 months out I got an email from her today (yes I read it and shouldn't have) and she is still talking about my codependence as not loving her and just being dependent on her.  She always thought the problems we were having related to me.  We know that is just crazy talk. 

I've set boundaries and am doing more things for me, but he just sees this as driving us further and further apart.

Doing things for yourself is important step in breaking the codependency.  Of course they see it as abandonment.  I did the same things and was accused of stepping out of the relationship and maybe she is partly right, but if I didn't do it I think I would have believed that I deserved this dysfunctional relationship.

Hang in there!  Whatever you decide...do it for yourself and nobody else. 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[hithere]

It sounds like a life of drama, stress and lonliness. I just feel like I am losing reality again and wondering if there is enough love between us to keep me trying.

I was living that...and she kept telling me not to worry as long as I loved her and she loved me it would work out.  LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL.

Being a hero in real-life you at least get some acknowledgment but being a hero to a BPD just gets you more abuse...

[mitchell16]

The same thing I have lived for about 14 months. If I tried to explain how the verbal abuse, emotinal abuse, the withholding of affection was effecting me, I was putting her down or making her feeling like she wasnt a doing agood job as my girlfriend. The blame was always shifted back to me some how. I told her that what she wanted was no accountability for her actions. Her nice final response would be if Im so bad why are you with me then. When I would try to explain that she was "not that bad" but I just wanted her to see it from my perspective, the rage would just get worse until you just either leave or just shut up. But when you left to avoid the confrontation then you was feeding her abandoment issues ( her words). No way to win or even come out even. The rules changed daily and sometimes hourly.

[Peace4ME]

The same thing I have lived for about 14 months. If I tried to explain how the verbal abuse, emotinal abuse, the withholding of affection was effecting me, I was putting her down or making her feeling like she wasnt a doing agood job as my girlfriend. The blame was always shifted back to me some how. I told her that what she wanted was no accountability for her actions. Her nice final response would be if Im so bad why are you with me then. When I would try to explain that she was "not that bad" but I just wanted her to see it from my perspective, the rage would just get worse until you just either leave or just shut up. But when you left to avoid the confrontation then you was feeding her abandoment issues ( her words). No way to win or even come out even. The rules changed daily and sometimes hourly.

Yup. It's so frustrating. I try to validate and wait until he has calmed down to talk to him about my feelings or needs on a situation. Most of the time I'm just accused of only thinking of myself or he goes into exactly what you are talking about : shame and devaluating himself. Then I validate that he is in fact a good person and doesn't deserve to be alone and is worth loving. Then an hour later he will be telling me what a good person he is and how many friends he has (after he said he had none yesterday) and that I'm just trying to control him and make him miserable. Many days I think we've made progress and then he says something that makes me wonder if he is just playing a game. Its crazymaking. 

[artman.1]

Peace4ME,
     Quote:  I haven't asked him to change his hobbies(besides pot), his friends, his job, his religion, his family, etc.  He has insulted/asked me to change every one of those items pertaining to me. I've set boundaries and am doing more things for me, but he just sees this as driving us further and further apart.
     As I'm sure many of you know, its nearly impossible to talk about these things with your pwBPD. I'm not sure if I'm willing to dedicate my life to these tools if he is going to continue to live in denial. It sounds like a life of drama, stress and lonliness. I just feel like I am losing reality again and wondering if there is enough love between us to keep me trying.   
     If you relook at your Post withan opem mind, you will have to admit that this life is unmanageable, and enmeshed with him.  First, if you are intent on working on you, and want to really feel better about You, then begin by the 12 staps of Codependents Anonymous, CODA.  We admitted we were powerless over others,--That our lives had become unmanageable.  The powerless part is simple, as that means you accept that you simply cannot control or force him to get help.   The second part is a little less obvious.  What you have going on is definitely unmanageable, so what can you do?  You must establish boundries, and begin to Detach with Love.  This does not mean divorce, or even separation.  Just means detachment will allow you to get out of the enmeshment, and you will be able to understand what must be done to manage your (YOUR!) Life.

With much caring and love, Art   

[gina louise]

for me personally,the most difficult part of dealing with a loved one with BPD is the extreme vacillating effect-one day (or hour) it's ALL this...and the next it's ALL that!

while I understand about co-dependence and detachment we may be collectively dealing with a person who could be triggered by any attempt to detach-even if it's to take a BATH ALONE! or speak to a family member on the phone-my PwBPD always tries to sabotage my phone calls. suddenly he NEEDS me and will interrupt, make loud noises, slam doors...
My PwBPD even wanted to follow me into the bathroom, and urged me to leave the doors open! (UM NO, I need some privacy!)
that's how intrusive some of them can be-and any effort to be a separate person, in any way, is seen as a threat.
Saying that I do attend al anon meetings but I find it hard to share-I feel like my life is vastly different than the shares I am hearing about. (hearing *I smelled alcohol on my husband's breath* seems almost charming compared to getting threatened with physical abuse during a traumatic rage that lasted 4 hours and took days for us to get past)

it's SO many things-but for myself it's the extreme shifts from all black to all white-plus the denial and devaluing that goes on. overwhelming at times!
lack of acknowledgement/validation for MY efforts, care and compassion.
it's like all the good I put out there just disappears into a black super hole. as though it never was.
but some brand new person in their life can be the bestest thing since wonder bread 

sorry-some days are just harder than others...
GL

[artman.1]

But some brand new person in their life can be the bestest thing since wonder bread  .  sorry-some days are just harder than others...
GL 

     I am having the same problems with my UBPDW.  They must be related in some way, and I bet the way is BPD related.  I am so tired of all this Chaos all the time.  My UBPDW started coming up to the Confuzer Room after her TV shows to attempt pulling me into an argument, and last Night she did that again, and started raging about all the things I refuse to do, by getting on my Confuzer.  Next, she started telling me she does not want to go with me anywhere, and forget Vacation the first three weeks of June.  I have made reservations to go to the Marriott Resort in Palm Desert, and I just answered, "Well, I will just make my own Plane Reservations, and go alone."  She went silent, and went to the guest bedroom to sleep, and went NC.  I am serious, I will just go alone.  I bet there are a good many women who would want to go along on that vacation!  Is she crazy?, don't answer that!  HA!     Well, I may just have to go it alone this year.  It will be such a drag, to NOT be walking on eggshells you know!  I will just lounge around the pool as much as possible, and take the Sports package.  Last year I did the sports, and worked out for four hours each morning for the entire vacation, and that made me feel so very good.

Art

[hithere]

It all comes down to quality of life, for those that choose to remain with their BPD partner most are giving up a large part of their life to receive very little in return.

If you want to be that type of martyr then there are much more rewarding ways to do it.

[tigerlily66]

I actually had to leave (separate) from my BpdH after one of his rages...I've been gone for 4 months. He's talked to me a few times; yesterday he said he wants me to come back "when I'm ready", and apologized many times for how he treated me. He said he was putting himself down, didn't like himself and took it out on me. It's so easy to believe him, he seems so sincere. But my gut tells me not to. And I have to go with that. I told him I'm not ready to come back. He is paying for the house, all the bills there, etc. (and learning how hard it really is- I've done it for 22 years!). Part of me realizes that he probably just wants me back to help pay for things, etc. He claims he wants us to "rekindle" our love. He says he's been off of pot for 3 months, but still feels addicted, and he's "going to go" to rehab- he's been saying that since I left!  So, I'm left feeling very confused, in limbo...

[hithere]

If I had a dollar for each promise my BPDex made and broke I would be very rich!  I have heard it all (as have all the members here I think), I finally want to change, I want to be a better person, I am ready to be happy, I now know what I have to do, it won't ever happen again, I will be nicer, I will act better, I will not do xxxxx...but it is like a marry-go-round with a nuclear engine (it never stops).

[Peace4ME]

I actually had to leave (separate) from my BpdH after one of his rages...I've been gone for 4 months. He's talked to me a few times; yesterday he said he wants me to come back "when I'm ready", and apologized many times for how he treated me. He said he was putting himself down, didn't like himself and took it out on me. It's so easy to believe him, he seems so sincere. But my gut tells me not to. And I have to go with that. I told him I'm not ready to come back. He is paying for the house, all the bills there, etc. (and learning how hard it really is- I've done it for 22 years!). Part of me realizes that he probably just wants me back to help pay for things, etc. He claims he wants us to "rekindle" our love. He says he's been off of pot for 3 months, but still feels addicted, and he's "going to go" to rehab- he's been saying that since I left!  So, I'm left feeling very confused, in limbo...

Hi Tigerlily, I think we've connected before about some of the similarities of our pwBPD, especially the pot smoking. I'm sorry that things got so bad you had to separate. The only thing I would suggest is that you take it slow. And also, do you even want to rekindle your love? How have you felt the past 4 months? As for the pot smoking I would say that if he is telling you he is going to start rehab then wait until you see it. My bf isn't quite there yet, but is at least to the point where he hates his addiction. He just doesn't have anything to replace it with (his words).

[artman.1]

All,
     It is so obvious that until the BPD, like a substance abuser, hits Rock Bottom, they are extremely unlikely to actually seek help, and sincerely work on their therapy.  There are a few, but the vast majority must do down the tubes, and lose everything, including their very own soul before getting serious.  My Father was an alcoholic, and went down til the hospital told him if he didn't stop drinking, he would die.  He kept drinking and almoast died from Chirrosis of the Liver complications.  They dried him up again and he quit cold, and never drank again.  I see this being how my UBPDW will deal with her Mental Illness.  This may be the reason BPD's are prone to Suicide, because it may be easier than facing their monsters.  The sadest part of all this is it is not their fault, but mostly their gardians who were abusing, and sometimes not understanding thay were even doing that to their child.

Art