i experience a classic case of Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde...
up till now, i have been defending myself in rages and sometimes even yelling back because i can't stand being verbally attacked anymore.
i had a better handle on my boundaries during the most recent rage. but the things that were said were just so hurtful...and there was no apology or remorse. im thinking that my partner either a) doesn't think it's a big deal, or b) does think it's a big deal and really is remorseful but doesn't want to confront it.
the day after the rage, i was being idealized again. but i feel a lot of sadness inside me because of the malicious words. i know it's best practice not to take things personally- can anyone provide some more tangible tips for this?
i feel like telling her how she made me feel while she is calm...and reiterating my boundary that holds my value on mutual respect. how has this played out for anyone else out there?
to answer your question - it has not played out well. When dysregulated anything your told will be overruled by lower level instincts. Boundaries are under our control so we need to be able to protect ourselves from being abused e.g. by walking out of the door. Which initially will result in escalating extinction burst behavior. But after a few walk outs behavior is affected through some other mechanisms that are at play here.
It is very important to have worked through the boundary workshops and have thought it through and discussed it for your specific situation. Details matter. This is not easy at all at the beginning, often scary but worthwhile as the payback is lasting.