Not As Scared All The Sudden

[Think About It...]

My BPDSO has been talking about where the relationship is going. Feels like if it isn't moving to her timetable, it isn't good enough. I really rather not go into detail about how it went there but in essence she basically said that maybe this relationship would not work out. I told her that I will do things on my time because these said things are my responsibility. She wants instant gratification-I told her that she just wants it here and now and she screamed "I'VE BEEN WAITING TWO YEARS!"

Anyway, basically she might leave me because I won't "move forward with the relationship" in the time she wants.

And for the first time, I'm unafraid. I don't know if I'll meet someone new or not. I am fully aware of how uncertain the future is without her, but it doesn't really scare me as much. Because quite frankly, the issues she's talking about aren't the kind I can resolve within her time-table and it's really not my problem.

In a way, her threatening to leave takes a big weight off my shoulders. As much as I love her, I realize that if she can't work things out as they are, that if she can't respect my needs, boundaries and goals, that there is truly nothing I can do.

If she leaves, I will continue on with my life and my goals. Sure I'd like to be in a relationship-but being heavily pressured to "do as she says" seems more like being held hostage. I love this person, I really wish that there's something I can do to make her pain go away but I've been trying to do that already. Sure I made mistakes, and sure I neglected to do some things and I'm aware that maybe I could have done more. But in the end...I did all I was CAPABLE of doing in the end. Coulda, shoulda, woulda...but just didn't really have the ability to at the time. Still responsible, still accountable, but I guess fully justified in asserting myself either way.

I want to work on this relationship, and I still want to stay with her. It's like if I don't jump through this hoop or that hoop, there is no relationship and that isn't fair.

I understand this is quite a long rant and I guess maybe to make this more of an interactive post, I can ask a question. A few come to mind.

1: Do you think this decrease in anxiety over the possible demise of the relationship is just shock and all the emotions just haven't hit me yet? Or could it be that I have had my share of anger, sadness, bargaining, denial and am in the starting stages of "acceptance?"

2. When did you finally accept that the other person was just not going to work with you? That the relationship was either at high risk of, or certain to fail? Did it come easy? Was there kicking and screaming?

3. After the relationship fell apart and eventually you and the partner parted ways, did you start to feel the pain of being without them? Did you go through withdrawal? Did you cry, sweat, hate your life for a while? Did you desperately wish that things went desperately and would have done anything to get them back?

4. How long did it take till you were okay?

5. For those of you that stayed...were any of you able to work out your differences and reach a place where there was mutual respect, love and caring? How long did it last?

[Vatz]

My BPDSO has been talking about where the relationship is going. Feels like if it isn't moving to her timetable, it isn't good enough. I really rather not go into detail about how it went there but in essence she basically said that maybe this relationship would not work out. I told her that I will do things on my time because these said things are my responsibility. She wants instant gratification-I told her that she just wants it here and now and she screamed "I'VE BEEN WAITING TWO YEARS!"

Anyway, basically she might leave me because I won't "move forward with the relationship" in the time she wants.

And for the first time, I'm unafraid. I don't know if I'll meet someone new or not. I am fully aware of how uncertain the future is without her, but it doesn't really scare me as much. Because quite frankly, the issues she's talking about aren't the kind I can resolve within her time-table and it's really not my problem.

In a way, her threatening to leave takes a big weight off my shoulders. As much as I love her, I realize that if she can't work things out as they are, that if she can't respect my needs, boundaries and goals, that there is truly nothing I can do.

If she leaves, I will continue on with my life and my goals. Sure I'd like to be in a relationship-but being heavily pressured to "do as she says" seems more like being held hostage. I love this person, I really wish that there's something I can do to make her pain go away but I've been trying to do that already. Sure I made mistakes, and sure I neglected to do some things and I'm aware that maybe I could have done more. But in the end...I did all I was CAPABLE of doing in the end. Coulda, shoulda, woulda...but just didn't really have the ability to at the time. Still responsible, still accountable, but I guess fully justified in asserting myself either way.

I want to work on this relationship, and I still want to stay with her. It's like if I don't jump through this hoop or that hoop, there is no relationship and that isn't fair.

I understand this is quite a long rant and I guess maybe to make this more of an interactive post, I can ask a question. A few come to mind.

1: Do you think this decrease in anxiety over the possible demise of the relationship is just shock and all the emotions just haven't hit me yet? Or could it be that I have had my share of anger, sadness, bargaining, denial and am in the starting stages of "acceptance?"

2. When did you finally accept that the other person was just not going to work with you? That the relationship was either at high risk of, or certain to fail? Did it come easy? Was there kicking and screaming?

3. After the relationship fell apart and eventually you and the partner parted ways, did you start to feel the pain of being without them? Did you go through withdrawal? Did you cry, sweat, hate your life for a while? Did you desperately wish that things went desperately and would have done anything to get them back?

4. How long did it take till you were okay?

5. For those of you that stayed...were any of you able to work out your differences and reach a place where there was mutual respect, love and caring? How long did it last?

[yeeter]

1: Do you think this decrease in anxiety over the possible demise of the relationship is just shock and all the emotions just haven't hit me yet? Or could it be that I have had my share of anger, sadness, bargaining, denial and am in the starting stages of "acceptance?"

2. When did you finally accept that the other person was just not going to work with you? That the relationship was either at high risk of, or certain to fail? Did it come easy? Was there kicking and screaming?

3. After the relationship fell apart and eventually you and the partner parted ways, did you start to feel the pain of being without them? Did you go through withdrawal? Did you cry, sweat, hate your life for a while? Did you desperately wish that things went desperately and would have done anything to get them back?

4. How long did it take till you were okay?

5. For those of you that stayed...were any of you able to work out your differences and reach a place where there was mutual respect, love and caring? How long did it last?

Hi Vatz.  It must feel nice to be at a place of 'peace' with the relationship.  Not that its a perfect relationship because if it were obviously you wouldnt be here.  But it sounds like you have 'let go' of the outcome, stood up for your own needs/wants, and are letting the rest just happen in the way it was meant to be.

 

I like your questions.  Each relationship is different so my experience may not translate directly to yours - but here is my experience:

1)  I think the decrease in anxiety is due to first letting go of trying to control the outcome.  Which was led by 'acceptance'.  The great thing is that by letting the pressure off yourself a little, it allows you to step back, realistically assess the situation - including your own needs/wants - and then make better decisions.  It also allows you to adapt and change your own behavior, in ways to make the relationship truly work.

2)  Acceptance is an ongoing process.  I went right up to the point of a court date for divorce.  Then had a major reset in myself, approach, and attitude.  But really, acceptance is something practiced every day.

3)  A tough one.  In a way for me, I never had the person I wanted.  At the time we married I didnt understand at all what was going on - and got destroyed emotionally.  Then it took me years of recovery and learning to climb back into my own self as a person.  In my case I still feel that if I could get away from her I would, but I have children and a very packed, busy schedule, so the chaos is less by staying.  Yes I grieved over the loss of a normal relationship.  Yes I am very lonely at times. 

4)  I would say 6 months (remember, I let go of any and all expectations of a relationship) - so I am recovering from the acceptance and loss of ideology and what 'could have been' if I had chosen a healthy person.  I am still in the relationship (staying married).  So maybe the point is that, even if you stay there is significant loss, and grieving and recovery to be done.

5)  Mutual respect in some areas.  Love and caring in some ways.  But detachment in other areas.  Trust in some areas but accepting that other areas there cannot be trust and I need to protect myself.  An extremely difficult question to ask since all of these things are a continuum.

Keep working through it, you are doing well in my view.

 

[LoveNotWar]

Vatz, sounds like you have a healthy perspective on this.

I can't answer all your questions cause my h and I are still trying to put it back together but I will say it's getting better. However, realistically, my h has been diagnosed with BPD. It will be a journey to better mental health.

I stay cause he is my husband, we are married and we are BOTH working at making it better.

LNW

[needbpdhelp]

5. For those of you that stayed...were any of you able to work out your differences and reach a place where there was mutual respect, love and caring? How long did it last?

Hi Vatz,

My wife an I went through all of the kicking, and screaming, pain and agony, etc. for almost 20 years before I found this site, learned lots of mindful thinking tools, realized my own contribution to the problems, and started making changes in myself. This has helped my wife realize her need for change, and we now study books together that I found here. We have been doing so much better for over a year because of our new found knowledge.

Someone with BPD, or who is viewed as being BPD, does not feel treated as an equal partner, but when you start focusing on your own issues and accept her as she is, you may be surprised at the improvement in her attitude and actions.

needBPDhelp

[SmileAnyway]

Hi  Hi!

There is an interesting quotation on the runner today:

Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D.

It strikes me that as soon as we recognize this is what we are dealing with, we can calm down better.  This is the point you seem to be at.  The unfair expectation she has set you is something you can identify with.  I find myself in this position a lot, but would say that this state is a part of the roller coaster ride. Often they catch you off guard emotionally, your world feels upside down and you start questioning black is black and white is white.

I hope you maintain this state, just warning you that you may find some twists ahead.  Good boundary setting and validation and radical acceptance are the tools that help me.

[xeon]

In a way, her threatening to leave takes a big weight off my shoulders. As much as I love her, I realize that if she can't work things out as they are, that if she can't respect my needs, boundaries and goals, that there is truly nothing I can do.

If she leaves, I will continue on with my life and my goals. Sure I'd like to be in a relationship-but being heavily pressured to "do as she says" seems more like being held hostage. I love this person, I really wish that there's something I can do to make her pain go away but I've been trying to do that already. Sure I made mistakes, and sure I neglected to do some things and I'm aware that maybe I could have done more. But in the end...I did all I was CAPABLE of doing in the end. Coulda, shoulda, woulda...but just didn't really have the ability to at the time. Still responsible, still accountable, but I guess fully justified in asserting myself either way.

It's an awesome feeling to be detached from things to where you don't go nuts over this stuff isn't it?  I haven't hit that euphoria spot yet and I waffle a tad, but feeling internally calm is just really liberating. 

Seems like you're in a good place... keep at it and stick to what you're doing IMO.