Does anyone else miss the intimacy side of things?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Yup. Right here. Miss it lots.

It was beyond fabulous. Quality and quantity. Could be multiple times a day. It was the most intense, passionate, incredible sex ever.

The downside is, I really really miss it, and I was hooked. In between all our various recycles, I have been intimate with a few other men. Boring, lackluster, and all I wanted to do was push them away as soon as they were done.

[Mauser]

Yup. Right here. Miss it lots.

It was beyond fabulous. Quality and quantity. Could be multiple times a day. It was the most intense, passionate, incredible sex ever.

The downside is, I really really miss it, and I was hooked. In between all our various recycles, I have been intimate with a few other men. Boring, lackluster, and all I wanted to do was push them away as soon as they were done.

[FriedaB]

225  pounds  and  she  didnt  even  put  out?    What  exactly  was  she  good  for?

[bpdlover]

I really don't because it was too much like hard work. It's not reality when you start to think that this person would be so great if only they didn't...(fill in the blanks depending on what it was that day). Best leave it for someone else to solve or sort through.

[breathelife]

Yup. Right here. Miss it lots.

It was beyond fabulous. Quality and quantity. Could be multiple times a day. It was the most intense, passionate, incredible sex ever.

The downside is, I really really miss it, and I was hooked. In between all our various recycles, I have been intimate with a few other men. Boring, lackluster, and all I wanted to do was push them away as soon as they were done.

I miss it sooo much and I feel the same way... Quality and quantity.  I havent been with anyone else yet but that's exactly what I am afraid of if I do.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[worried husband]

?

Yes i really do miss the intimacy. my wife and i used to be extremely intimate for the three years that we were together. and then when we got married it was like a switch was flicked.
gradually over time the clothes she would wear changed and the intimacy dropped off. Now she is uncomfortable with any kind of touch. not even holding hands.
We have talked bout it and i get told "thats just the way it is"
We have been married for 5 years and have a son together so it's a bit complicated to seperate. but i am desperate for more in our relationship

it's good to know that there are others out there struggling with the same issues

[painter]

Yes and no. My experience was in between the extremes described by other posters here. My BPDexgf was rather passive sexually, from the very first time we did it. She was not shy about initiating sex, but she was passive in the act. She said she isn't good at intimacy, which I attributed to her history of sexual abuse. After the first few months she started often withholding from sex, using her headaches or joint pains or her bad mood as an excuse. Once a week or so she would say she was in a mood to have sex, and then I had to hop to it because her mood could change in a minute. If I initiated sex at other times she would have a BPD episode. I think that she uses sex as a hook to get a man attached, and during the seduction and honeymoon phase she is generally up for sex. But once the attachment forms and the honeymoon is over sex is a frightening trigger for her issues and she needs to control it -- and use it to control her partner. Anyway, I miss the intimacy but not the frequent frustration.

[patientandclear]

I miss it so much.  After a long bad marriage to someone else that was devoid of sex for years, it was so lovely to rediscover this and it was better than I'd ever experienced.  Like someone posted above, the one time I've had sex since the breakup, with a friend who'd been pestering me to hook up casually for a long time, it was so emotionally empty that I just went home and curled up in a ball & cried about the loss of this wonderful way of being together with another human being. I don't know whether to be grateful that he showed me that, or to regret that I knew it briefly (we were only together for a few months) only to lose it.

[rickstone]

"225  pounds  and  she  didnt  even  put  out?    What  exactly  was  she  good  for?"

Ha, ha LOL!  that is a good one!

actually at least to me she is very attractive, beautiful.  my past grilfriends were certainly not huge at all, and very attrative by most peoples standards, and yes, they 'put' out. but i dont mind a big girl.  what can i say?  i'm not even ashamed to say that to me shes the most attractive gf ive had and she knows that i think and tortures me with it on purpose.  i wonder if any man would actually want her though except for a quick ride.

she's the first gf ive ever had that doesnt make love to me.

so what the hecks wrong with me?   thats why im here.  what can i say...

[findingmyselfagain]

I do miss it. I hate that I gave her my virginity. I used to say that she took it...but the truth is I gave it up. Though yes, I believed I was with my soulmate. I had no clue it was going to end up a disaster. I'd never had a woman physically interested in me before, so the intensity was like crack cocaine. I thought for sure it mean she loved me. I didn't recognize that it was extreme need/insecurity disguised as "love." Many times I asked her if it wasn't much better when you're in love. She always agreed with me. To be perfectly honest though the promises of all-night love were usually one and done. In the beginning it was whenever we could car, when her parents left, whenever she could get to my place...but in the end it was chaos. If I was tired, she'd go crazy, but then it was ok for her to be tired. And then ZERO affection or intimacy. Total craziness. I can't wait for something that is more truly intimate and less INTENSE.

[bpdlover]

I also thought she was a "soul mate" or "life partner" if you like. It was very hard for me to accept that the sex was empty after it was over, because I allowed myself to feel everything. For me it certainly wasn't. I put so much into the relationship and that included the intimacy. Understanding the illness allowed me to break things apart. I loved how my ex looked. She was a good match for me. What we did was natural sometimes, and there were her moments of indecision which made it difficult. What came with the intimacy or sex if you want to refer to it as that is so much repetition of cycles that growth was not possible, so I cannot clearly state that I miss it.

[Sabine]

I used to crave the 'intimacy' and I suppose I still do sometimes. But I was noticing a shift. I think I was seeing through his mask... I wanted true intimacy, true feelings, true love and everything was becoming very superficial and scripted. He knew he was good in bed, he even said as much once. But I started feeling him 'use' this as a tool, a way to pacify our r/s. I was sad to see things take such a turn... it was the last thing I've had to let go of. It was the last of the 'good times'. I was feeling the illusion...(sigh)

[lernin]

I really miss the intimacy, not just the sex but the closeness. Someone I felt I could be totally me with - I really miss that and suppose that's why I feel lonely.
My exBPD started to use intimacy to try to control me, maybe I should try to keep recalling that side of him more & not daydream about the good times.

The thoughts are more now than in the first few weeks of no contact (6 months now) perhaps the anger has gone and I'm going through a soft stage.


I haven't engagaed in another relationship, definately not ready yet

[Sabine]

I really miss the intimacy, not just the sex but the closeness. Someone I felt I could be totally me with - I really miss that and suppose that's why I feel lonely.
My exBPD started to use intimacy to try to control me, maybe I should try to keep recalling that side of him more & not daydream about the good times.

The thoughts are more now than in the first few weeks of no contact (6 months now) perhaps the anger has gone and I'm going through a soft stage.


I haven't engagaed in another relationship, definately not ready yet

I can totally relate! This is where I ran into problems... the daydreaming of how affectionate he was with the littlest things, holding hands, cuddling, and so forth, but when I step back and look at the whole picture... these moments were not often enough to stay in the r/s. It isn't fair to me to only think of these times... It does get tricky!

[geo03]

Yes, having real problems with it lately, not just the sex part but my ex was a very physical person-- lots of cuddling and snuggling on the sofa. I miss that. Right now I want no part of showing or accepting physical affection of any kind, with the exception of being able to give hugs to my daughter when she needs them. I physically feel "dead" in that department. Sometimes I wonder if the damage is permanent. I fear that part of who i am has become cold and dispassionate, or permanently disconnected.

[bpdlover]

Sabine has a good point. It would not be fair to only think of the good moments and not the whole picture. Also, the healing process happens in stages. It was pretty difficult for me a year out and I dealt with a lot around that time. The damage or hurt caused by these relationships is not permanent however it is very important to remain NC because you can really be set back by engaging again.