My uBPDh has canceled an appointment

[Think About It...]

Each time I think we're making progress, he seems to throw a wrench into our relationship.

We've been attending couseling each Saturday and I just received a call from the counselor who tells me that my husband has cancelled our appointment, because he is going camping for a week.

My husband and I had made arrangements to go for a hike after our appointment.

He's supposed to call me this evening and I don't know what to do or say; how should I respond?  I fell like he keeps throwing up these walls to push me away...oh this hurts so much.

Copingwithhim

[copingwithhim]

Each time I think we're making progress, he seems to throw a wrench into our relationship.

We've been attending couseling each Saturday and I just received a call from the counselor who tells me that my husband has cancelled our appointment, because he is going camping for a week.

My husband and I had made arrangements to go for a hike after our appointment.

He's supposed to call me this evening and I don't know what to do or say; how should I respond?  I fell like he keeps throwing up these walls to push me away...oh this hurts so much.

Copingwithhim

[JustSaying]

Well, how do you feel about it? Do you think he should not be camping for the week? Or camp for fewer days? Why do you think he told the counselor, but not you? Are you more bothered by canceling counseling or canceling the hike or not telling you first?

Just to give you something to compare to, X cancelled FIVE appointments before finally meeting with the custody evaluator! Of all the people you'd want to make an impression on, a custody evaluator would seem to rate high. And she has cancelled appointments for the last two months with a therapist assigned to improve her relationship with our daughter, post divorce. The T is dumbfounded--it's for X's benefit, and T doesn't get why she'd be the reluctant participant.

She finally set up an appointment, told me about it, and had T confirm it with me. D and I get to the appointment and no one's there! Learned X cancelled it even before we traded texts that day and she never told me and T didn't tell me! Crazy, huh?

There's definitely avoidance going on with us...do you think H is avoiding the work with the counselor or just being flighty? Or ____?

[copingwithhim]

Hello JustSaying,

Thanks for responding.  What upsets me...hadn't thought about it, but I'd have to say that he agreed to marriage counseling and now he's backing down.

In the end, I sent an e-mail to him saying I heard that our appointment was cancelled and that he was going camping.  I told him to have a good time and that I would see him in a week.

What else can I do, I feel beaten up and I'm beginning to wonder if I can get through this.  Maybe I should just give up and let him screw with someone else's life.  Although, I find I don't have the heart to either let him go or, put this problem on someone else.

Does it get a little easier once they're diagnosed and there is a plan to find some help?

Thanks
Copingwithhim

[JustSaying]

he agreed to marriage counseling and now he's backing down.

Is he backing down or is this a one-time event? I don't know, of course, and have no theory. What do you think?

Does it get a little easier once they're diagnosed and there is a plan to find some help?

Everyone is different, so I hesitate to generalize. The word I'll focus on is 'diagnosed'. What are the odds that even if he is diagnosed, he'd agree with the diagnosis? My X has been diagnosed with a handful of psychological maladies. She doesn't accept the diagnosis. And if she doesn't buy the diagnosis, what are the odds of following a plan to help with them?

A diagnosis is not a cure. For some it's nothing but another lie that's been made to them. But for others it's the first step toward a healthier future.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Copingwithhim

I'm sorry you're hurting.  The push and pull cycle is common with pwBPD, and I think all of us here can identify with what you are saying. 

In order for therapy to be successful, your H really needs to be in individual therapy with a therapist who specialises in BPD.  If the pwBPD goes to therapy for someone else, it is much less likely to be successful.  The patient has to want to get better for themselves, which involves recognising that they have a problem.

You might like to have a read of this link, which discusses such matters - Workshop - BPD: How can I get someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment?

Hugs
JP
x

[CodependentHusband]

Copingwithhim,
     I can really understand your frustration with his recent actions... At least giving you a 'heads up' would have been considerate. Do you think that this means he's going to stop participating altogether, or is this a one-shot cancellation?

   My wife got a dx for BPD in November... I really pushed her to go to the pdoc and therapist. I damaged our relationship by putting pressure on her. I really wish I had a 'do over,' because, yes, my wife desperately needs treatment, but unfortunately, she's in denial about that. So, what are you left with? Well, A.) She's still untreated. B.) She feels labelled and inferior to me... C.) My pressure on her about this has caused her to have less trust in me.


   Now, I FULLY accept her decisions on her treatment. I realized that I have zero control over her, and guess what? I actually feel great! Why is that? It's because it's not taking up space in my head. It's one less thing to worry about, and I'm not further damaging the relationship by putting pressure on her. Would she be better off getting treatment? Absolutely! But it's got to be her decision 100% for there to be any real benefit anyway. If I only knew then what I know now...

[copingwithhim]

Hello All,

We've had three sessions and this would have been our fourth.  Yes, this is the first time he has cancelled, but I have still not heard from him and now realize that I most likely will not hear from him.

I am trying not to push, but it's difficult.  I'm reading Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valarie Porr, M.A.

How is it that he is able to reason with other people but not me?  Is it that in his mind I crossed over to the evil camp and once there, his thoughts and emotions towards me will never be the same?  He was so sweet in the beginning...I am really mourning this loss.

He is seeing a T, but I don't know if they are equipped to deal with BPD.  I too am seeing someone individually, so I've been working on me too.

Thanks
CopingWithHim

[CodependentHusband]

I am trying not to push, but it's difficult.  I'm reading Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valarie Porr, M.A.

How is it that he is able to reason with other people but not me?  Is it that in his mind I crossed over to the evil camp and once there, his thoughts and emotions towards me will never be the same?  He was so sweet in the beginning...I am really mourning this loss.

That's a good book. I'm about half way through that same book myself. I hope you are finding it as helpful as I am.

Based on my reading and experience, I believe I can answer your question about how he is able to function so much better with others... It's really simple, actually. His ability to function is proportional to his level of emotional investment with those around him. You are at the apex, being the SO, next would
be children, siblings, next would be parents, then in-laws, friends, and, finally co-workers and acquaintences. The less intimate the relationship, the better he will function. He can still get dysregulated when he has poor interactions with those other people, but it will take more to get him there.

[Auspicious]

It's possible to over-think this (I think) ...

If you want to ask him why he canceled - why not ask? You can ask in a truly information-gathering way.

E.g.

"Hi ... I was kind of surprised to get a call from our T, saying you had canceled. What's up?"

Just see what he has to say first?  See where he's coming from.

[copingwithhim]

Thanks for your support.

On Wednesday night, I sent the note to have fun, so I'm just going to let that hand there until I hear from him.  Next time, I will try the 'what's up' strategy with a perspective to only gather information.

The note about more intimate he is, the more I learn/understand more of him (see and hear embarrassing things), then the more he has to lash out, build that wall of protection.  I have to admit that this blew me away; it makes so much more clear.

I have more questions, but I need to think (I'll try not to over think).

My mother and my uBPDh's best friend has told me that I've changed.  So, during this break, I can focus on me and regain my confidence.

CopingWithHim