A snag in my exit plan

[Think About It...]

In trying to effect some change in myself and take responsibility for my part in this dysfunctional marriage-I've attended a few al anon meetings. not my favorite cup of tea- and I feel that a person with a serious mental disorder is different in many ways than an addict or alcoholic...the behavior is just too extreme when I compare my r/s to what I hear in the group from others. But I still attend.
BUT I want to work on myself-so I go.

My UBPD H seems overjoyed that I am going to al anon He is a long term member of 12 step programs-they have helped him stay clean in NA for decades now. No small feat.

SO he came home early from work, treated me to lunch and some really pleasant quality time-hasn't happened in a while.   ?
He normally saves his quality time for others!

I feel my exit strategy resolve wavering when he is attentive, loving, complimentary towards me and even tempered.
During his last rage (this week) I was able to make an exit, leave him alone and even validate the next day via text which totally dissolved his rage and blame towards me.
I was stunned! It WORKED!

However, I am really struggling with whether or not this is the marriage I WANT to be in.
If this is a cycle I am willing to experience on a regular basis...
I was not overwhelmed emotionally/mentally by his last rage and I did not feel ANY residual anxiety about where I stand in the r/s. I no longer feel off balance when he has an episode and attacks me, personally.
I am left wondering which persona of his is the more *real*-the attentive husband...or the scornful, dismissive one? Perhaps neither?

Anyone else waver like this at the end...before leaving for good?

thanks,
GL

[gina louise]

In trying to effect some change in myself and take responsibility for my part in this dysfunctional marriage-I've attended a few al anon meetings. not my favorite cup of tea- and I feel that a person with a serious mental disorder is different in many ways than an addict or alcoholic...the behavior is just too extreme when I compare my r/s to what I hear in the group from others. But I still attend.
BUT I want to work on myself-so I go.

My UBPD H seems overjoyed that I am going to al anon He is a long term member of 12 step programs-they have helped him stay clean in NA for decades now. No small feat.

SO he came home early from work, treated me to lunch and some really pleasant quality time-hasn't happened in a while.   ?
He normally saves his quality time for others!

I feel my exit strategy resolve wavering when he is attentive, loving, complimentary towards me and even tempered.
During his last rage (this week) I was able to make an exit, leave him alone and even validate the next day via text which totally dissolved his rage and blame towards me.
I was stunned! It WORKED!

However, I am really struggling with whether or not this is the marriage I WANT to be in.
If this is a cycle I am willing to experience on a regular basis...
I was not overwhelmed emotionally/mentally by his last rage and I did not feel ANY residual anxiety about where I stand in the r/s. I no longer feel off balance when he has an episode and attacks me, personally.
I am left wondering which persona of his is the more *real*-the attentive husband...or the scornful, dismissive one? Perhaps neither?

Anyone else waver like this at the end...before leaving for good?

thanks,
GL

[o2bz14u]

Yes, we all waver with our exit plan. Otherwise it would be easy, and no need for advice from others, message boards, books or therapists.

One thing I want to emphasize...I remember your other exit plan post and you mentioned your H wishing to sudenly move to another geographical area for no apparent reason. DO NOT DO THIS.

When I read this I remembered my (now suspected)uBPDxH saying the exact same thing. Suddenly for no good reason he was focused and driven with the idea that we should move across country and make a new home somewhere. "If we just got away from everything, things would get better." Neither of us had ever lived anywhere else but the city we grew up in. We both had careers that required state licensing and may not have met the new state's  standards without further continuing education. (He was an attorney.)

Living in a new climate. Getting new drivers license. Making new friends. Finding traffic rounts around town just to go shopping. Starting a new job. Everything off balance. Everything new. He thought this would solve our problems?

I thought then that his plan was to further isolate me from family and friends and co-workers, all of whom he had one reason or another that I should not talk to them.  By moving to a totally new enviroment he could make me insecure and totally control me. It would be much much harder to leave him then, without any support network (what was left of it) if I should try, and I think he was beginning to get suspicious that I had an exit plan being formulated.

Do not move across country on a whim. No matter how "nice" he becomes. "Nice" will only last so long and then it will be business as usual and you will be stuck without your exit plan in place.