I am very much new to this forum (this is my 2nd post). I posted in the new members section and received a lot of great feedback and resources to look into. I almost feel as though I don't have the right to post this message because I haven't had a chance to follow up on the suggested readings. However, I am very much in the middle of dealing with this issue...and really just need to vent.
this illness is complex and it does take a time to wrap your head around it and then your head hurts for a while.
I am so on the fence about whether or not I want to proceed in my relationship with my SO who denies her BPD (says she tested positive on her psych eval because she was abused as a child...not because she "really" has BPD). Her family is very much aware of the situation, and they are extremely frustrated with her and her behavior. They tell me I am not alone in this...but I very much am! I've asked them to help me encourage her to find a professional who maybe able to better help her (she currently sees an unlicensed therapist who is not equipped to help her and very much encourages her to play a victim. T also gives her a pass on accepting responsibility for her actions). Her family is scared too (I get that). I've asked them to read on BPD...but to my knowledge, they haven't.
You are closer you so you got a more intense problem. While it feels like you are alone you got us and it may be worth getting a T.
With the reading/research I have been able to do...It sounds as though my future will be carefully framing every word and action in order to validate her and to keep her from acting out. I feel as though that is a huge sacrifice and that I would be compromising myself in order to "keep peace" with her.
This is fortunately a common misconception. While we pay close attention on how we speak and how we act we don't bend over backwards, please our SOs or have an appeasement strategy. We focus on respectful communication and behavior and try our best to protect ourselves from any disrespect. We build skills that allow us to recover from mistakes that happen in real life so we don't have to walk on eggshells. We get a deeper understanding of our SO so we can better address them.
I am trying to create some space for myself right now...I feel as though I am too emotionally raw and exhausted to make any major decisions (evidenced by my frequent crying jags).
You are certainly at the end of your rope. But then this is a good position to start making changes for the better.
But the more I pull away...the more her behavior intensifies. The more her behavior intensifies...the less I want to continue in the relationship.
You pulling away is increasing fear of abandonment on her side. And fear is a hard to control emotion. Any statement from you to reassure her will be invalidating to her and make matters worse. Read up on invalidation and validation in the LESSONS.
I know I have a lot of work to do and I have to get clear with myself before I can do anything. (I know it's a process..but I some answers, clarity, and a crystal ball would be nice right now). wink
Wise. It takes time to digest and figure out where you want to head. And until then it is best to work on yourself and gather strength and maybe the relationship or your view of it improves.
As you are not aiming to make a decision right now this thread is moved to the staying board as there is better support for coping with your situation.