They're 2 steps ahead- Figuratively and literally

[Think About It...]

My mother and my ex, both borderlines, seem to walk a bit ahead. My ex always seemed 2 steps ahead of me and my mother was steps ahead of her own 4 yr old son in the mall. Her behavior was so bizarre and concerning that I had to walk behind everyone to make sure my brother wasn't going to get lost or kidnapped.

Last weekend when I saw my ex she still walked ahead of me and I pointed it out jokingly saying:
"slow down! You're always 2 steps ahead of me. You'll break up with me before I break up with you and you'll move on quick before I do."

This has been symbolic to me. I'm curious if anyone noticed their BPD's moving forward at their pace with disregard to others. I think it's also another form of fear of abandonment by walking forward and being the one to walk away than the other way. Isnt it symbolic though flawed? Whenever she did it I sometimes wanted to stop following and just go hide and never see her.

[nylonsquid]

My mother and my ex, both borderlines, seem to walk a bit ahead. My ex always seemed 2 steps ahead of me and my mother was steps ahead of her own 4 yr old son in the mall. Her behavior was so bizarre and concerning that I had to walk behind everyone to make sure my brother wasn't going to get lost or kidnapped.

Last weekend when I saw my ex she still walked ahead of me and I pointed it out jokingly saying:
"slow down! You're always 2 steps ahead of me. You'll break up with me before I break up with you and you'll move on quick before I do."

This has been symbolic to me. I'm curious if anyone noticed their BPD's moving forward at their pace with disregard to others. I think it's also another form of fear of abandonment by walking forward and being the one to walk away than the other way. Isnt it symbolic though flawed? Whenever she did it I sometimes wanted to stop following and just go hide and never see her.

[PeaveyT40]

Greetings,

My ex was always walked the same way, two steps or so in front of me. Pretty much anywhere we went. At times she would even be five or six steps ahead. For example, going to the box office to buy movie tickets which I was the one purchasing them. I frequently had to tell her slow down, what's the rush?, we're going to the same place.  Sometimes it just appeared that we were two seperate strangers going into the same store or any other place.

I never really understood it. Maybe it's a way of control by knowing that you're going to follow wherever they go, but I never really even began to understand why this was such a common trait, as well as many others.

I also would be curious if anyone has insight on this topic.

Great question!

[hithere]

No walking issues here, she was also AHDD but still did not walk ahead.  Just a general population quirk I think.

[hijodeganas]

Nope, she never did.  If anything, she walked behind me.  I noticed she was observing me a lot, though.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Gus926]

Mine did toward the end.  It irritated the hell out of me because I'd ask her to go for a walk WITH me, not go for a walk ten yards in front of me.

The view was nice though. 

[Carri1]

My exBPDbf would walk behind me.  I would wait for him and he'd still end up behind me...its just as frustrating!  If I slowed down...so did he.  So 2 steps back for mine!  Maybe cuz he's male...idk.

[Happiest]

Mine did toward the end.  It irritated the hell out of me because I'd ask her to go for a walk WITH me, not go for a walk ten yards in front of me.

The view was nice though. 

hahahaha...soo funny.
and cheeky...

Mine always walked ahead...faster than I can walk and didnt give a hoot that I couldnt keep up...so I didnt.

[susanleona]

My BPD sister does this and it drives me nuts.  Not so much walking ahead or behind but not walking "with" you.  She is on her own course, and sometimes even walks into you if you cross her intended path.  There's no use ever trying to walk beside her.  It's been bugging me for years.

[SHolloway]

This is an interesting topic...my ex-husband did always walk ahead of me, almost jogging, always irritated, he would get angry if I didn't keep up with him.  Or he would expect me to hold his hand and walk right next to him, if I pulled away he'd get angry at that too.  I couldn't win, I assume it was his control issues once again. 

[Sabine]

When we first met HE decided he'd join me in exercising and so we started out walking together. He's 6'2 and I'm 5'2 and I've ALWAYS walked fast it just my normal stride. He and I began walking and we were in perfect sync, he kept pointing out how great it was that we had the same stride. I know know he was just mirroring me! B/c later in the r/s it was clear that he would only be thinking of himself and if he wanted to get somewhere he'd charge out several steps ahead of me or drag/pulling me to his destination! It was such a contradiction from before and I said something to him like, "just go, just go by yourself we are obviously not together!" We got in this huge fight over it and from then on out that was how he walked. It was like an excited child racing to the candy store or something. It was very rude and I called him out on it.

And on the flip side when he was angry or passive aggressive, he'd walk really, really slow and behind me. Somebody else said this was a form of control.

All I know is fast or slow was just as annoying. 

[Mauser]

My BPD ex didn't do this at all.

However, my "normal" ex (for lack of a better term) did this quite frequently. He's almost a foot taller than I am, with extremely long legs.  Not that it's all about me, but it's much easier for a tall person to kind of slow down, rather than a short person to start jogging to keep up. It was about control, and he always wore the pants so to speak. And he was a bit narcissistic. (Not in the PD sense, just as a describing adjective  )  It was my job to keep up.

Maybe it's just a p/a control thing. Once again, always about them.

[123Phoebe]

Same here with the walking ahead.  Looking back, my mother did too when I was little.  Maybe it makes certain people feel important having someone 'chase' them?  Or they're running away from intimacy?  If so, that's just how disordered some people are that walking 'with' someone makes them feel uncomfortable, sad. 

It got to the point where I'd just STOP and wait for him to realize how far behind I was and he'd have to wait for me to casually catch up.  Meanwhile, I soaked up all the beauty around me and would report back all the neat things I saw - various birds, a beautiful flower etc...  I just refused to play that game his way.  It helped, but didn't change him into being a side-by-side companion 100% of the time.  I'm thinking he probably went through the same thing with his mother when he was little.