Rough Weekend

[Think About It...]

I thought I was doing really well, and I suppose in many ways I am, but I really had a backslide this weekend.

Someone told me that my ex is in another country with his new gf, the woman I affectionately call Replacement Exhibit B. He took up with her right on the heels of the relationship with Replacement Exhibit A ending. He had written a passionate email to me also at that ending and I had arranged to meet with him. I didn't know anything about PDs and all I knew was that I was in pain, and maybe this was all a mistake and blah blah blah. What I didn't know at the time was that he had already started dating Exhibit B. I laid out what I thought it would take to try again, he said he wasn't there and it ended.

Since then, I continued to get sporadic emails full of emotion, full of angst, regrets over "the life-changing mistake" he made, and that he'll "always always love me". He said he hoped someday I could forgive him, and trust that "I burn in his heart and soul every day". All these things said when I knew full well he was seriously dating Exhibit B. I wrote him a reply in January to the one about trust and forgiveness. I said that those were pretty big words and what did they mean to him? What was he prepared to do to foster trust? What was on his mind in terms of facilitating this forgiveness?

I heard nothing for 2 months. While unsurprised, it still hurt. During that time, he had a way of keeping me pinned in place while he was skipping about building a new life with someone else. How did he manage that trick? I did the things I knew to be healthy for me and slowly recovered my strength and some of my self esteem. Then I got an email about 6 weeks ago saying that he wanted to see me and talk with me, but that he was scared. Told me he was still in love with me, and wasn't sure that would ever change. Said he felt that it continued to eat at him that he'd fallen out of touch with the "one he had loved most in his life".

I didn't reply, but that email finally gave me some fuel to be angry. How can someone put another person in such a place and try to keep them there emotionally? What is it about me that made him think that's all I was worth and that I had such little value that he could continue to manipulate me so? It really hurt, but I had gotten enough sense to know that the only healthy response was no response at all. Because I was in a double bind for sure: Reply and say that yes, I want to see him - result? He'd be "too scared"... but would have his answer as to my state of mind. Reply with anger and what I truly wanted to say to him - result? He'd be able to self-congratulate and say whew... dodged a bullet and made the right choice! So, it was pretty sick. I had assumed he was trying to recycle because he was finished with Exhibit B.

This weekend I found out that I was wrong about that - he has been with her all along and in fact is now out of the country on a trip with her. Apparently, the relationship is moving along swimmingly. So why would he write such a letter to me? Why am I in such a low position in his head that he could write such things and continue to try to screw with my emotions?

What I want to know is this. Is it me? Am I the lucky one that has simply been assigned the role of loser who can be used/discarded/messed with whenever the thought strikes? While he skips off with Exhibit B and builds a new life? Am I the only one? I know it's a variation of the theme, but I truly am struggling with thoughts that he'll be with her now in a healthy way, build something good, and treat her with the dignity and honor that he apparently doesn't feel I deserved.

Its messed up. Can anyone help with some thoughts? I don't think I have any tears left.

[NevestNA]

I thought I was doing really well, and I suppose in many ways I am, but I really had a backslide this weekend.

Someone told me that my ex is in another country with his new gf, the woman I affectionately call Replacement Exhibit B. He took up with her right on the heels of the relationship with Replacement Exhibit A ending. He had written a passionate email to me also at that ending and I had arranged to meet with him. I didn't know anything about PDs and all I knew was that I was in pain, and maybe this was all a mistake and blah blah blah. What I didn't know at the time was that he had already started dating Exhibit B. I laid out what I thought it would take to try again, he said he wasn't there and it ended.

Since then, I continued to get sporadic emails full of emotion, full of angst, regrets over "the life-changing mistake" he made, and that he'll "always always love me". He said he hoped someday I could forgive him, and trust that "I burn in his heart and soul every day". All these things said when I knew full well he was seriously dating Exhibit B. I wrote him a reply in January to the one about trust and forgiveness. I said that those were pretty big words and what did they mean to him? What was he prepared to do to foster trust? What was on his mind in terms of facilitating this forgiveness?

I heard nothing for 2 months. While unsurprised, it still hurt. During that time, he had a way of keeping me pinned in place while he was skipping about building a new life with someone else. How did he manage that trick? I did the things I knew to be healthy for me and slowly recovered my strength and some of my self esteem. Then I got an email about 6 weeks ago saying that he wanted to see me and talk with me, but that he was scared. Told me he was still in love with me, and wasn't sure that would ever change. Said he felt that it continued to eat at him that he'd fallen out of touch with the "one he had loved most in his life".

I didn't reply, but that email finally gave me some fuel to be angry. How can someone put another person in such a place and try to keep them there emotionally? What is it about me that made him think that's all I was worth and that I had such little value that he could continue to manipulate me so? It really hurt, but I had gotten enough sense to know that the only healthy response was no response at all. Because I was in a double bind for sure: Reply and say that yes, I want to see him - result? He'd be "too scared"... but would have his answer as to my state of mind. Reply with anger and what I truly wanted to say to him - result? He'd be able to self-congratulate and say whew... dodged a bullet and made the right choice! So, it was pretty sick. I had assumed he was trying to recycle because he was finished with Exhibit B.

This weekend I found out that I was wrong about that - he has been with her all along and in fact is now out of the country on a trip with her. Apparently, the relationship is moving along swimmingly. So why would he write such a letter to me? Why am I in such a low position in his head that he could write such things and continue to try to screw with my emotions?

What I want to know is this. Is it me? Am I the lucky one that has simply been assigned the role of loser who can be used/discarded/messed with whenever the thought strikes? While he skips off with Exhibit B and builds a new life? Am I the only one? I know it's a variation of the theme, but I truly am struggling with thoughts that he'll be with her now in a healthy way, build something good, and treat her with the dignity and honor that he apparently doesn't feel I deserved.

Its messed up. Can anyone help with some thoughts? I don't think I have any tears left.

[catnap]

BPD's do not skip merrily away into the sunset with the new partner unless they commit to serious therapy.  It may appear "perfect" on the outside, but as you well know, on the inside it is anything but perfect.  For all you know Exhibit A is receiving the same emails.  It is about have a steady supply of people to feed his emotional needs.

Any response to him would signal that he still had you at some emotional level, positive or negative he gets an emotional response.  Kudos to you for not responding.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

[NevestNA]

Thank you for the link catnap. I have read that article before, along with many of the other insightful articles on this site. It's truly a wonderful resource, and I'll read it again right now.

I think I'm beginning to understand at least one layer of what appears to be common denial among those of us left picking up the pieces. I was initially mystified with the desire - even need - in myself to have a definitive answer regarding illness. I've since read many threads here along the same lines - a need among many to truly identify the behaviors we saw as illness. Some of the reason is undoubtedly hope for a rational reason for the irrational. I think there's more to it though.

I think it also has to do with ourselves, at least it does for me. There are only two possibilities after all. First, it is illness. If that is the case, then there are explanations for all this and solidarity of experience, if nothing else. There's comfort in that. Second, it isn't illness at all. If that is the case, then there really aren't any explanations except that I am that person assigned to a degraded role to be played for his own purposes whenever the need might strike him to do so. Others are valued, treated with integrity and compassion and I alone am not.

I cling to the first possibility but doubt myself with the second. What if I'm wrong? What if it's really just me that he'll do this to. What does that say about me? Why could a human being do that to another?

It's like Julia Robers said in the movie "Pretty Woman": The bad stuff is easier to believe.

I'm in a pretty bad place right now. The ruminations and second-guessing in me have returned with this news. I'm upset with myself for allowing it to happen but I can't seem to stop the emotions. Intellectually, I understand a lot, but it feels like a lot of progress has slipped backwards over the last few days and I don't know how to stop it. Why after almost 6 months (since the break) is this still happening to me? Why can't I just let it go?

[Lady31]

NevestNA,

A couple thoughts...

1) This situation with Exhibit B is NOT going along swimmingly.  She may think it is.  (And who knows, he could already be doing the rollercoaster with her of abuse so it may not be in her mind either.)  How do we know it isn't all peaches and he is going to build something goood with her?  BECAUSE...he is already treating her like crap!  He is with this woman running around all over the place while having steadily sent you these emails that are TOTALLY inappropriate!  If he cared that much for her, or in a healthy way, he would have NEVER done this to her.  And if she was Mrs. Perfect Magical who he could be cured with and be building something great...then he wouldn't be even thinking about sending you these emails in the first place.

2)  The scared comments to you are BS.  They are a way for him to try to keep you wondering and guessing what's going on.  You backed him into a spot of having to put actions behind all the empty words he was saying.  Since he can't, BECAUSE HE IS PLAYING GAMES, the only thing he could do, (without blowing his "cover" and keep you on the hook hopefully) is to say something like this.

3)  Regarding whether they really have an illness.  First off, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER if you can say, oh 100% he's got BPD!  Does it?  The facts are the facts.  The way he has hurt you and lied and played games is fact.  The way he has abused you is fact.  One thing you know that is 100% true is he is an abuser!  Perhaps you should read more on abuse, the different types.  This helped me a lot.  I started recognizing just how sick mine was by doing this.  Sometimes we excuse a lot more than we realize.  Anyway.  Abusers don't just CHANGE based on the person they are with. A person who can abuse and treat a person the way he has you, has to have a certain set of beliefs and mind set.   And when they carry those beliefs and mind set...it's with them in every relationship.  NO ONE will be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny and spontaneous enough to change him and escape his abuse.  She will soon be old hat too.  He has, from day one, kept the life lines open elsewhere. 

I mean, you got to face facts:  He wasn't that into (as that saying goes)...BUT, HE IS NOT THAT "INTO" HER EITHER.  Or the last one, or the one before that...or the next one...or the next one's exhibit A, B & C.

Keep seeking healing & peace for yourself.  The Verbally Abusive Relationship & Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men were REAL eye openers for me if you want to check them out.  Totally different take on how abusive people think.  After reading them, I believe it to be spot on.  SHOCKED.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Lady31]

And you will let it go.  This is something else that has "come up" for you to have to process.  The more you heal the faster these types of events will fade and the less and less they will even disturb you.

Just tell yourself...okay, I am going to read and post (meditate/pray/whatever else you do) for the next 3 days.  I will probably feel a lot better by then.  I will assess where I am at that point.

Bet that sting will be a lot less painful...and the peace will come rolling back in like a wave!   

[Neverknow]

The new relationship is not going to be any different than your relationship was.  Just give it a little time.

Let me tell you my story.  My stbx BPD w, came in after Thanksgiving, and told me she was in love with her ex-husband (husband #2 out of 4).  She has recycled with him at least six times I know of, always between relationships with other men/women.

They are back together again (didn't even wait for our divorce papers to be filed) and she really thinks everything is going to be great this time with him.  I guess he does, too.

On one hand, I actually hope it does work for them.  She does need somebody to take care of her and he is as good a candidate as anyone.  But, on the other hand, I know they don't have a snowball's chance in hell of making work the seventh time, what couldn't work the other six times.

Oh, and she keeps telling me when we talk about the divorce stuff, property, etc. that she still wants to be friends.  Yeah, right.  Just the kind of friend I need.  

[1989]

NevestaNA

Without exaggeration, I have been EXACTLY where you are now.  My experience was that he never wanted me back...not once.  But he could not deal with me not wanting him.  He just couldn't accept that.  It's like he sensed when I was moving on and genuinely starting to enjoy life again.  As soon as that happened, he would put in quite a bit of effort to reel me back in, but as soon as he knew he had "caught" me.  Done.  His interest level would plummet in a matter of days (2 - 3).  So, when you were willing to work on things, he knew he had you!

The conclusion I reached, disorder or not (I do believe BPD), these people have proven that they are jerks, and they will prove it over and over.  Think about what love is...  Does love leave?  Is love scared?  Does love run off with another woman?  Does love play games?  I don't believe love is any of those things.

You are an ego boost.   Probably a huge one!   Maybe they try to hang onto the  ones they know are truly good people and a good catch.  Maybe kind of like trophies.  I don't know for sure.  One thing my therapist did say was, "Think of the ego boost he must get in knowing that someone cares about him as much as you do."

Have you ever stopped to think what you deserve?  Have you thought that he isn't the kind of person you want?  I think we spend so much time in trying to prove our value to them, that we forget to think what kind of person do we really want?  I seriously doubt you want to be with someone who is selfish, indecisive, irresponsible, and ...SCARED!

Cut him off and be done with him, and live for you!  I can tell you without a doubt NC will allow you to become you again, and the bonus?  It makes them feel completely insignificant!

[redfeather]

Lady 31 pretty much summed it up about as succintly as I have ever seen it put!
If in fact if everything is so fabulous with Exhibit B (or as I call them 'Soulmates #2-6 ) well hell if that were true why is he bothering you?
Why does mine bother me with hangup calls, stalking, tried to obtain my facebook password...because they aint happy and NO they cant get better with another  EVER!
Those thoughts you are ruminating on that make you think you are the defective one emotionally arent true. I too ruminate about what may be wrong with ME that someone who professed to be falling in love dumped me like 5 day old trash! BUT GUESS WHAT? My recently departed pwBPD has done that to EVERYONE she has ever dated! So are ALL those people defective too? I strongly doubt it... 
I even am loathe to try to date another as I think Oh my Lord what if i pick another of these NUTJOBS?

[1989]

I had an "ah ha" or  moment:  They DON'T discard us; they "store" us.  You know when you no longer want something, but you can't quite get rid of it because you "might" want it again someday.  My attic is full of stuff like that. 

I am really anti-pwBPD today!

[NevestNA]

I want to thank all of you for responding to my thread and helping me with this. I am grateful to read your replies and have hands to hold onto that have been through similar situations. Alone in my own mind, sometimes it's hard to hang on to the truth but the truth is right there to see.

I guess I'm struggling more than I wanted to admit to myself with my own self-esteem. When someone treats you like this, like some dog that is just there for his own needs without any (real) concern for her well being, it just hurts. There was a complete and total absence of concern at the break up. He had a lot of emotion, but it was entirely emotion for himself. He at one point actually wailed "What if I find out that I really do want Nevest?"

Really? Seriously? He was that focused on his own needs. He certainly never made any secret that yes, he wanted me waiting in the wings just in case he was making a mistake. That was practically verbatim. Even then, I had the sense to self-protect, shut him down, and almost immediately get my butt into therapy. Not all was well in my world. I didn't recognize it as abusive, but it sure felt that way. It was more like I was seeing him as a rabid puppy - quite helpless but very dangerous. Over the days following the break up, I would receive texts about missing me, loving me... emails going on about how much he loved me. I'd call and try to discuss it, but he was always "just not ready for this conversation..." Ultimately, he admitted to wanting to see Exhibit A - she was a long distance thing and I later found out he practically jumped through hoops to get to her. Multiple times. Major travel.

Like I said, self-preservation ultimately forced me to tell him not to communicate with me for at least 2 months. Like all other boundaries I ever tried to erect, even that simple request was ignored. The emails would come in.

I know I'm rambling... It feels good to let it out. I always try to hold it together, be strong, be sure... blah blah... Well inside, I'm just not there yet and it feels a little good to admit it.

I desperately needed the validation in your responses to me. I deeply appreciate them. I want you guys to know that the time you took to reply really has an impact and truly helped me today.

[whatdoido]

one of the best things I read on here is that BPDs dont like to put all their eggs in 1 basket. they ALWAYS have backup plans. as hurtful as it is you need to realise that he is keeping you on ice for WHEN HE NEEDS YOU. and he will need you. and it will only ever be temporary. it's not you, it's him, and that's the simple truth.

[NevestNA]

This was the email from him about 6 weeks ago. I don't know why I want to post it but I do. This was written from someone fully aware of the devastation he caused and the complete shattering of my heart. We were supposed to have spent the rest of our lives together, then he decided that I wasn't good enough and that he needed to break. Never an explanation.

This was written while he was becoming deeply involved with someone else. It's that part that had me spinning again. The responses here have helped me, but I swear it's like a knife went in me all over again. Hearing that this woman was in the picture at the same time as this was written really did a number on me over the last few days.

---
Dear NevestNA,

I can_

[1989]

Having been through this, here's my take (and I am a very sweet, understanding person): 

Where would you be if he had not written that letter?  Would you be further along in the healing process?  Would you have been ready to call it "quits" for good?  What happened to your resolve after reading the letter?  What did that letter do to you? 

He knew the affect his letter would have on you.  He knew which phrases would tug the hardest at your heart strings.  He looks at your pictures, he thinks about you, he "misses" you.  (btw, I think "misses you" is a favorite). Think about it...if someone meant as much to you as he claims you mean to him, could you possibly even stomach being with another person?  Is that the way you would handle things? 

Let me share with you some of the things my ex said to me (so you can get a good grasp on how they use words to pacify us):  "I love you, 1989.  You are the love of my life, and I have always loved you."  repeated five times so it would really sink in.  Also, "I know I was always at fault, but I miss you, and I think about you, and I remember us."   and then he talked about some of his favorite memories.  He did this all the while involved with another woman whom he was talking to about having his babies and buying a home together. 

There is a reason why we nonBPDs are told to ignore their words and judge by their actions.  When he said this "crap" to me, he sounded over-the-top emotional.  He didn't want me,but he wanted to make sure I still wanted him. 

I know how hard it is to walk away from someone who makes you feel so loved (through their words), but quite often their actions don't have the same impact.

It sickens me to know that they really are pretty much the same.  It's a sham!

[whatdoido]

This was the email from him about 6 weeks ago. I don't know why I want to post it but I do. This was written from someone fully aware of the devastation he caused and the complete shattering of my heart. We were supposed to have spent the rest of our lives together, then he decided that I wasn't good enough and that he needed to break. Never an explanation.

This was written while he was becoming deeply involved with someone else. It's that part that had me spinning again. The responses here have helped me, but I swear it's like a knife went in me all over again. Hearing that this woman was in the picture at the same time as this was written really did a number on me over the last few days.

---
Dear NevestNA,

I can_

[ellil]

There probably is a combination of things going on with regard to the topic of that email:

1. Feelings = fact
2. Poor impulse control (re: contact)

When he wrote that email to you, it was most probably what he was feeling at the time, and he did not have the control to NOT send the email to you even though he is involved with someone else. Many times a pwBPD likes to keep supply waiting in the wings, but it's not a conscious effort to hurt you. It is the way he reacts to this void that will not go away.

Then, there are most probably times that you do not mean anything to him and she is the love of his life. The void is temporarily filled--someone temporarily is giving him what he needs.

This is just how it is. It doesn't mean he hasn't or doesn't have "feelings" for you (and "feelings" as he has them which doesn't necessarily translate into feelings that you have--authenticity is questionable being much of their life may be focused solely on their own needs--it is a "selfish" love as opposed to a "selfless" love).

Regardless of what he does or does not feel at the time for you, the point is it probably is not going to change. You could be recycled for the rest of your life and perhapes eeke out 10% calm and fulfilling "love," but the other 90% will be drama and chaos.

You deserve (we all deserve) to live lives drama and chaos free (or as close to that as we can get). That is not going to happen with an untreated pwBPD. You know that you have work to do on your inner self, most of us here know this about ourselves. You're moving through the stages of grief and you will get through this.

How do you feel today?

M

[NevestNA]

How do you feel today?

I am feeling better today than I have in a number of days. A few things have contributed to that, not least of which is pouring it all out here. I am grateful I had this place to do that, and for all of you who read and responded with such empathy. Thank you.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night, and it's funny how the program is seeming to work. The topic was dead-center appropriate for what I'm going through right now and was able to connect with others. It's that connection that's most healing to me, and that's true here as well. I also had the opportunity to talk with a friend after the meeting and just lay it all out. Sometimes, I just need to hear things back in perspective. She was able to gently remind me that I won't be over this overnight, that it was a 2 1/2 year relationship, and that I have a lot on my plate I'm trying to resolve at the same time. She said she hates to see how I internalize this against myself sometimes - that's something I need to work on. His treatment of me, his role for me, his view of me, and the less-than place he chooses to place me... These things do not define me.

I feel more centered, and I feel better about myself.

I'm realizing all these emotions are about how I view myself and how I was allowing his circumstances and his treatment of me to continue affecting my own self-esteem. I know to my soul there's nothing he could do in reality to fix anything at this point. That's why I never responded to that email in the first place - it was obvious to me that no good could come of any response. Why the news about the duplicity spiraled me down to that very dark place again, and why it affected my self-view like it did, is not something I wholly understand. I'm thinking at least awareness of that might be a first step.

Where would you be if he had not written that letter?  Would you be further along in the healing process?  Would you have been ready to call it "quits" for good?  What happened to your resolve after reading the letter?  What did that letter do to you? 

Actually, I'm glad for the letter itself. I think I've said that before on here. Not because I found validation, continued engagement, or anything positive from the surface. I'm glad because it truly did allow me to finally find anger. I had reached a place of commitment to NC with his 2-month silence and had built quite a bit of self-awareness and strength by then. I saw through it for what it was, and absolutely recognized the impossibly painful predicament he was attempting to inflict on me. Respond either way, was a lose-lose for NevestNA. I found anger, at least for a little while and that felt good.

The feelings from this weekend are deeper. They had to do with self-esteem and reaction to reality. They were tied to the letter, but more than that they were tied to how he could write such words with absolute disingenuous intentions. I agree with Ellil in almost all of her post, but at the same time I pay the price for his actions. His desired result (price) of those actions - confusion for me, continued emotional investment, and stringing me along - I believe were fully conscious. His motivations, however, I do agree are a mystery to him. I think he knew full well that there was no honorable intention behind those words even as he wrote them. The new knowledge that Exhibit B was there all along underscored that in a very painful way.

This brings me back to the illness question. It's a belief in illness vs a belief in evil. I truly don't want to think him evil, and find I'm struggling a bit not to.

And you will let it go.  This is something else that has "come up" for you to have to process.  The more you heal the faster these types of events will fade and the less and less they will even disturb you.

Just tell yourself...okay, I am going to read and post (meditate/pray/whatever else you do) for the next 3 days.  I will probably feel a lot better by then.  I will assess where I am at that point.

Bet that sting will be a lot less painful...and the peace will come rolling back in like a wave!   

I have read and re-read your input to me multiple times, along with all the responses here. You all make so much sense.

Lady, I am taking the advice in this post as well as advice you gave in another. I've shied away from recognizing "abuse" but a read of the books you suggested would do me some good. The transformation from a vibrant woman to the shell I became towards the end didn't happen without reason. I need to own my own FOO issues for why I was so undeniably receptive - and accepting - of his behaviors. I probably also need to look deeper into the dynamic of what really happened, and those books might help.

[ellil]

I am glad you are doing better today, and it's also wonderful that you have a "real life" friend who knows you so well and knows the right things to say to you, from the heart. You are very lucky to have this. Many of us deal with folks who have no clue about what this type of r/s does and simply say, "Get over it already."

As you heal, you have setbacks, but the recovery time is shorter. We see that going on in several threads on the Leaving board. It's like an incredibly long cross-country road trip. You have stretches of flat, even land, where there are minimal dangers (except maybe boredom), and you have turns in the road where you question what's on the other side, you have mountains to go up but then you eventually come down, you have darkness of the night, and super bright sunshine in the day...all this to traverse before you reach the destination.

It's just nice to know eventually we get where we are going, even though the trip sometimes is intense.

Corny, but the analogy kind of works.  

M

[dah1029]

Nevest--  Don't think he's going to have a great "normal" R/S with "B".  He betrayed her already by contacting you and writing about his "feelings".  So she's in no better of a situation than you were.  At least you're free and moving forward.  She still has all that pain ahead of her to deal with. 

[redfeather]

Someone here posted once the following phrase and it sticks in my thoughts as I move forward with healing myself:

"Where you are now, so once was I ; Where I am now, so will you be...

That small phrase has given me great comfort as I move further and further away from the pain I found myself in late Jan 2011. Their new relationships NEVER work out..NEVER. That is why they have so many "friends" (supply) and never offer closure (again supply but in the form of re-cyclables like myself! Yep have fun with that! )
Be good to yourself! We are 100% on your team!  Hi!

[patientandclear]

NevestNA -- just wanted to say you are an inspiration.  You are perhaps the strongest, clearest person I've read on these boards in how you've navigated your situation with your BPDex.  The fact that someone with the strength and insight to take the positions you've taken is still so eaten up about whether the ex is actually in a happy, healthy relationship with the new partner of the moment, and about what this means about you, whether you are good enough, and so so, is just testimony to how insidious the damage from these relationships is.

I laid out what I thought it would take to try again, he said he wasn't there and it ended.

I pretty much did this, two months after the sudden end of a relationship in which I was blissfully happy (and thought he was).  He ended things out of the blue.  I was devastated.  He kept reiterating (by email) that he was sure it had to be that way, so I didn't try to see him -- what would be the point?  But two months later, he was saying he didn't understand why I wouldn't talk with him and that he was horribly sad about it all.  We got together to discuss whether to try again.  Like you, I laid out what it would take (he would need to figure out what happened & why, & why it wouldn't happen again ... at the time, I knew nothing of PDs either).  Like your ex, he wasn't up for that & said he needed not to be in a r/s at all, but wanted to stay friends.  OK.  We parted, and within a week, he was reconnecting with his ex-gf.  So I ended contact completely.

It doesn't sound like you've engaged in a lot of second-guessing about having set standards for re-engaging with your ex that he was unable or unwilling to meet.  I have.  I've spent months kicking myself for not just saying "yes!" to getting back together on whatever terms.  It's all well & good to set terms when that works & the other person accepts them.  But when my ex did not, it has been so hard to continue to embrace my conditions, and say "they were the right questions even if he couldn't answer them.  Maybe especially if he couldn't answer them."

I was in a double bind for sure: Reply and say that yes, I want to see him - result? He'd be "too scared"... but would have his answer as to my state of mind. Reply with anger and what I truly wanted to say to him - result? He'd be able to self-congratulate and say whew... dodged a bullet and made the right choice!

I cannot tell you how impressed I am that you can see this so clearly.  I am certain you are right.  But grasping that responding positively to his appeal would have resulted in him backing away & getting a chance to reject you again ... this is grasping the very tricky core dynamic of these relationships, I think.  As I said, my ex made out like he had expected me to come begging for the r/s to continue, suggesting that if I had, he would have responded positively.  But I think if I had, he would have taken the occasion to reject me again.  He would have the affirmation he wanted and then could withhold true intimacy, which scares him.  Perfect.

My hat is off to you that you could see this so clearly & act so resolutely on this understanding, despite all his pretty words.

On the subject of the words, though.  What your ex actually wrote in that email is eerily similar to the way my ex wrote during our r/s.  The statements are intense and full of devotion.  But apart from the lists of things you did together, the sentiments are strangely generic, you know?  Script-like, formulaic.  My ex would tell me how amazing I was, but the examples he gave would be very odd--none of the qualities that any of my good friends would list as the things that make me, me.  Just things like "I love that you always ask how my day went."  Something that doesn't distinguish me from a million other possible partners -- and incidentally, something that is all about him.

This weekend I found out that I was wrong about that - he has been with her all along and in fact is now out of the country on a trip with her. Apparently, the relationship is moving along swimmingly. So why would he write such a letter to me? Why am I in such a low position in his head that he could write such things and continue to try to screw with my emotions?

A week before my partner blew up our r/s, we took a really wonderful trip out of town.  It was about perfect, or so it seemed to me.  Sweet, relaxed, passionate--so full of hope and promise.  We exchanged incredibly intimate confidences all weekend.

I found out later from a mutual friend that, during that weekend, he emailed his ex-gf (whom he had described to me as just a friend, who was trying to maintain NC with him because he had truly broken her heart) out of the blue.  Nothing overtly inappropriate, except that the timing was completely bizarre, right?  This is the woman he resumed with after we decided not to try again while he spent time alone & worked on his intimacy issues.

Fast forward ... a few months into this second round with her, and two months after I told him I needed to say goodbye and began NC, he emails me out of the blue, ostensibly with an inquiry about a family member's health (someone he never met because he bailed before that could happen).  We had a brief exchange in which I explained how much he meant to me, how hard it was to be apart, and that therefore I needed to be serious about NC; and he replied how wrenching this was to hear, how he wished he could make it better, but he didn't know what else to do except continue on the path he felt so strongly pulled towards, "almost despite myself."  At the time, I thought he'd split with the new/old gf and "the path" was a reference to being by himself.  I struggled with the possibility of renewed contact, eventually deciding against it.

Turns out that at the moment he wrote that, he was very much still involved with new/old gf.  It's almost as if he was reaching out because they were involved and were reaching some sort of high point of intimacy.  Same as when he emailed her during the romantic weekend away with me.

This pattern -- of reaching out to someone else at the very moment of greatest closeness with your current partner -- is so, so revealing about what is really driving all of this, isn't it?  They are setting up a back door or secret get-away because the sense or fear must be growing in them that they are not going to be able to sustain the current situation.

What I want to know is this. Is it me? Am I the lucky one that has simply been assigned the role of loser who can be used/discarded/messed with whenever the thought strikes? While he skips off with Exhibit B and builds a new life? Am I the only one? I know it's a variation of the theme, but I truly am struggling with thoughts that he'll be with her now in a healthy way, build something good, and treat her with the dignity and honor that he apparently doesn't feel I deserved.

As others have said, his reaching out to you in this way is the answer you need about whether he is building something healthy & good with B.  If he were, you would never have received that email.  Full stop.

Your comments about the damage to self-esteem done by this vicious sequence of him appearing to truly see, understand and want you, and then to coolly discard you, ring so true with me.  It is a gutting experience.  I have a strong ego and am very self-confident, and though there are hurts and little self-doubts from earlier relationships, fundamentally, I was strong and happy before I got involved with this man.  I too feel I became a shell after he left me and I began to wonder constantly what it was about me that made it possible for him to do that.

It helps me a little to know personally several other women to whom he's done the exact same thing (I was unaware of these relationships till after he left me, BTW), and to acknowledge that they are wonderful women whom I like and admire.  That makes it easier to see that it is not that there is some defect in us that makes us not enough, less-than as you said ... but some barrier in him that makes it impossible for him to relax into a peaceful, calm, trusting, accepting r/s.  He is impelled to blow it up.  As Forrest Whittaker's character says in the Crying Game, "it's in his nature."

You have a rare strength.  You are not less-than.  You may indeed be very problematically more-than ... what if you are the best friend and lover he's ever known (let's just play that one out for a minute, though we know he likely has said the same to the others too)?  It wouldn't make it more possible for him to really inhabit the r/s with you.  It would guarantee the end.  So the fact that this played out in this way sheds no light on your qualities compared to these other women, on your own or as a partner to him.  It is quite likely the very fact that you offered him a real intimacy that was incredibly attractive that caused him to force you away.  This whole thing is a mind- and heart-twisting paradox.