Found Out BPDw Has a Boyfriend

[Think About It...]

Can you imagine feeling so miserable that you can't enjoy or appreciate love, solitude or a good life. Can you imagine throwing a good spouse away cause you can't  bear intimacy but you can't be alone cause you just can't stand that? Can you imagine being so desperate and afraid of being alone that you run from one person to another? She hurt you for sure but she is also hurting herself.

She will always be a pwBPD and until she accepts that and gets help she is destined to repeat her hurtful behaviors no matter who she's with.

goinbonkers...I am so sorry! It's just not fair or right!  I will just repeat...it's not you and you did nothing to deserve this. Be strong!   

Your first paragraph basically reiterated what the BPD support group I attend reiterates.  But hey, thanks for sharing it again.  Maybe it'll sink in my noggin one of these days and I will feel better.

I have been with her for 12 years and she has yet to accept that there is anything wrong with her at all.  And those are her exact words, "nothing is wrong with me".  She went to a few counselors and also said that they told her that nothing was wrong with her.  I honestly doubt they said that though.  I actually spoke with her last individual counselor and she in no way said nothing was wrong with my BPDW.

Thanks for the hug and encouragement!  It helps.

[goinbonkers]

Can you imagine feeling so miserable that you can't enjoy or appreciate love, solitude or a good life. Can you imagine throwing a good spouse away cause you can't  bear intimacy but you can't be alone cause you just can't stand that? Can you imagine being so desperate and afraid of being alone that you run from one person to another? She hurt you for sure but she is also hurting herself.

She will always be a pwBPD and until she accepts that and gets help she is destined to repeat her hurtful behaviors no matter who she's with.

goinbonkers...I am so sorry! It's just not fair or right!  I will just repeat...it's not you and you did nothing to deserve this. Be strong!   

Your first paragraph basically reiterated what the BPD support group I attend reiterates.  But hey, thanks for sharing it again.  Maybe it'll sink in my noggin one of these days and I will feel better.

I have been with her for 12 years and she has yet to accept that there is anything wrong with her at all.  And those are her exact words, "nothing is wrong with me".  She went to a few counselors and also said that they told her that nothing was wrong with her.  I honestly doubt they said that though.  I actually spoke with her last individual counselor and she in no way said nothing was wrong with my BPDW.

Thanks for the hug and encouragement!  It helps.

[CodependentHusband]

In my mindset right this every second, I would take her back in a heart beat if she got some therapy.  otherwise, no dice, I'd rather move on.

Well, therapy isn't always a possibility. Even with my wife in full denial about her dx though, things are lot better with the tools you can learn here. So, just be aware that there is more to the decision than just a stay vs. go scenario.

[CodependentHusband]

Can you imagine feeling so miserable that you can't enjoy or appreciate love, solitude or a good life. Can you imagine throwing a good spouse away cause you can't  bear intimacy but you can't be alone cause you just can't stand that? Can you imagine being so desperate and afraid of being alone that you run from one person to another? She hurt you for sure but she is also hurting herself.

She will always be a pwBPD and until she accepts that and gets help she is destined to repeat her hurtful behaviors no matter who she's with.

goinbonkers...I am so sorry! It's just not fair or right!  I will just repeat...it's not you and you did nothing to deserve this. Be strong!   

Your first paragraph basically reiterated what the BPD support group I attend reiterates.  But hey, thanks for sharing it again.  Maybe it'll sink in my noggin one of these days and I will feel better.

I have been with her for 12 years and she has yet to accept that there is anything wrong with her at all.  And those are her exact words, "nothing is wrong with me".  She went to a few counselors and also said that they told her that nothing was wrong with her.  I honestly doubt they said that though.  I actually spoke with her last individual counselor and she in no way said nothing was wrong with my BPDW.

Thanks for the hug and encouragement!  It helps.

Hey, this is hard stuff to process! Especially with what you are going through right now. There is no doubt about it. As for some counselors saying that there is nothing wrong with her, I actually wouldn't be surprised if that were true in at least some cases. There is a reluctance to dx BPD. Also, it's difficult to dx this disorder without significant background information and/or many visits over a period of time. People with this disorder, especially "high-functioning" BPD sufferers can be quite good at making things appear normal to outsiders.

[goinbonkers]

Can you imagine feeling so miserable that you can't enjoy or appreciate love, solitude or a good life. Can you imagine throwing a good spouse away cause you can't  bear intimacy but you can't be alone cause you just can't stand that? Can you imagine being so desperate and afraid of being alone that you run from one person to another? She hurt you for sure but she is also hurting herself.

She will always be a pwBPD and until she accepts that and gets help she is destined to repeat her hurtful behaviors no matter who she's with.

goinbonkers...I am so sorry! It's just not fair or right!  I will just repeat...it's not you and you did nothing to deserve this. Be strong!   

Your first paragraph basically reiterated what the BPD support group I attend reiterates.  But hey, thanks for sharing it again.  Maybe it'll sink in my noggin one of these days and I will feel better.

I have been with her for 12 years and she has yet to accept that there is anything wrong with her at all.  And those are her exact words, "nothing is wrong with me".  She went to a few counselors and also said that they told her that nothing was wrong with her.  I honestly doubt they said that though.  I actually spoke with her last individual counselor and she in no way said nothing was wrong with my BPDW.

Thanks for the hug and encouragement!  It helps.

Hey, this is hard stuff to process! Especially with what you are going through right now. There is no doubt about it. As for some counselors saying that there is nothing wrong with her, I actually wouldn't be surprised if that were true in at least some cases. There is a reluctance to dx BPD. Also, it's difficult to dx this disorder without significant background information and/or many visits over a period of time. People with this disorder, especially "high-functioning" BPD sufferers can be quite good at making things appear normal to outsiders.

Good points.  I neglected to mention that she doesn't go to individual therapy for too long.  Her last one was for a whooping three weeks.  The other that she saw for close to a year only wanted her to leave me because she'd divert the counselor using her victim role and saying stuff about me that never even happened.

[goinbonkers]

In my mindset right this every second, I would take her back in a heart beat if she got some therapy.  otherwise, no dice, I'd rather move on.

Well, therapy isn't always a possibility. Even with my wife in full denial about her dx though, things are lot better with the tools you can learn here. So, just be aware that there is more to the decision than just a stay vs. go scenario.

I understand.  

I was told that she was going to the wrong therapists who had no idea about BPD.  

The types of therapists she saw were either 1) ones that wanted her to use will power to get better, and 2) ones that wanted her to leave me due to her poor me victim stories.

I noticed that when she'd go to a counselor and they'd just listen to her talk about me, she loved that counselor to death.  But then when that same counselor pointed the finger at her, she'd then find some lame excuse to stop seeing that counselor.

[CodependentHusband]

Yes... Familiar scenarios as my wife. In fact, a therapist threw her straight into deep denial on her very first visit. This was after my wife had finally gotten the courage to start researching BPD and wanted to do something about it. That therapist has no idea just how much harm she did my wife. I'm not here to bash the pros. I have a lot of respect for them, actually. This is just the way it went down with my wife... So frustrating.

I hope your day today is better than yesterday. Stay strong. I know you hurt like hell right now. Try to do something you enjoy, even if it feels like you are just going through the motions.

[goinbonkers]

Yes... Familiar scenarios as my wife. In fact, a therapist threw her straight into deep denial on her very first visit. This was after my wife had finally gotten the courage to start researching BPD and wanted to do something about it. That therapist has no idea just how much harm she did my wife. I'm not here to bash the pros. I have a lot of respect for them, actually. This is just the way it went down with my wife... So frustrating.

I hope your day today is better than yesterday. Stay strong. I know you hurt like hell right now. Try to do something you enjoy, even if it feels like you are just going through the motions.

not that you are bashing the pros at all.  i have heard that the wrong counselors will actually make a pwBPD worse.  i have actually noticed that myself.  counseling made her worse, not better.  i heard the right counselor knows how to use DBT techniques.  its just what i heard.  

my BPD has been through with counseling and refuses to listen to anyone that does not agree that she is correct in everything she says/thinks.

i am having a better day but its still hard.  

my BPDw just responded to an email i sent her.  she wants my attorney to draw up the paper work for the both of us in the divorce.  forget that.  she is the one who filed.  if she needs help, she needs to get her own attorney.  i can't believe she even asked that.  she said she is doing it only to save me money.  what she does not seem to realize that my attorney is requesting the judge have her pay all my attorneys fees.

[MCC503764]

And rest assured, this new guy will "have to" follow her rules eventually.  It's not like he got the better version of her.  She is the EXACT same person.  I hope that makes you feel somewhat better.

He will be in your shoes in no time.

Take care of yourself.

Remember this fact, while it hurts like hell, they are probably most likely still in the Honeymoon Phase.  It cannot possibly last, because BPD's are NOT capable of maintaining ANY type of consistency!

If this guy doesn't run, then he is in for everything that you got and possibly MORE!

It's OK for you to hurt, I'd think that it would be strange if you didn't.  But allow yourself time to heal, don't sink to her level and jump into bed with the next pretty face...All she is doing is repeating the same patterns of behavior that she has all of her life!  Learn from your mistakes, acknowledge the pain that you feel, and use that pain to fuel you towards something better in your life for YOURSELF!

We often lose ourselves in a relationship...time to rediscover who you were before you met her, and get back to that place in your life...Sure it's going to hurt, but remember now is YOUR time to show your true character!

Be aware of the recycles...I fell for it twice myself.  Just remember that they CANNOT be alone, so when things don't work out with this guy, as I'm sure they won't because they are incapable of maintaining any sort of longstanding relationship, who do you think she will try and run to?  Don't take the bait!

Good Luck!

MCC

[CodependentHusband]

Well, you know. A lot of people might think that I'm crazy for staying with my wife. Fact of the matter is that I love her, and could very possibly be in the same position as goingbonkers if my wife had acted on the numerous divorce threats I've gotten over the past year. If an when the opportunity presents itself, goingbonkers may well decide to stay as well. It's a decision we all have to make for ourselves.

One thing that has been proven to be most effective in healthy healing is a true understanding that they do not have full control over their actions. This works many different ways when you understand it, and it's applicable for any scenario, staying, leaving, being left... it's all the same. Getting stuck on anger keeps us from moving on.

[MCC503764]

You know, it's easy to think that they never loved you when they do something this hurtful. I'm really sorry that this happened. I know that it hurts so bad right now that it doesn't really register that she has a mental illness. She's not capable of handling an adult relationship like someone who doesn't have this disorder.

I'm no professional, but I honestly believe that they love... In fact, I believe that they love much more intensely than people who are mentally healthy. Ultimately though, does it take any of the sting out of the hurt to know that? Would you take her back if you had Tge chance? It's a personal choice, and a complex one, and 1/2 of Tge decision is being made by someone with a mental illness.

Sometimes the best we can do is process the pain an move on. I've found that forgiveness gives me a lot of peace. My ex-wife had an affair on me... I don't know that it gets more painful than that. Forgiveness is a choice, but only for mentally healthy people. Still, it's so hard. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

I have been attending a local BPD support group and the main focus there seems to be to realize that my BPDW has a serious mental illness.  yeah i've known that for years and years now.  but like you said, does that take the sting out of it?  nope.  not in the least.

In my mindset right this every second, I would take her back in a heart beat if she got some therapy.  otherwise, no dice, I'd rather move on.

I understand your feelings as I thought the same thing!  Then, during our last recycle, I ended it because I felt too much like a fallback guy, or her emotional safehaven!  She emasculated me more than enough throughout our marriage, and I wasn't going to let it happen again!  Perhaps she was actually trying, I don't know, and I never will...I accept that for what it is...we are divorced, have NC now, and life WILL go on!

MCC

[goinbonkers]

And rest assured, this new guy will "have to" follow her rules eventually.  It's not like he got the better version of her.  She is the EXACT same person.  I hope that makes you feel somewhat better.

He will be in your shoes in no time.

Take care of yourself.

Remember this fact, while it hurts like hell, they are probably most likely still in the Honeymoon Phase.  It cannot possibly last, because BPD's are NOT capable of maintaining ANY type of consistency!

If this guy doesn't run, then he is in for everything that you got and possibly MORE!

It's OK for you to hurt, I'd think that it would be strange if you didn't.  But allow yourself time to heal, don't sink to her level and jump into bed with the next pretty face...All she is doing is repeating the same patterns of behavior that she has all of her life!  Learn from your mistakes, acknowledge the pain that you feel, and use that pain to fuel you towards something better in your life for YOURSELF!

We often lose ourselves in a relationship...time to rediscover who you were before you met her, and get back to that place in your life...Sure it's going to hurt, but remember now is YOUR time to show your true character!

Be aware of the recycles...I fell for it twice myself.  Just remember that they CANNOT be alone, so when things don't work out with this guy, as I'm sure they won't because they are incapable of maintaining any sort of longstanding relationship, who do you think she will try and run to?  Don't take the bait!

Good Luck!

MCC

Thanks so much for the encouraging words.  It seems to feel like once I start doing better, something new comes along and knocks me down a few steps.  Such is life I suppose.  I just have to keep getting back up again (and again).

[goinbonkers]

Well, you know. A lot of people might think that I'm crazy for staying with my wife. Fact of the matter is that I love her, and could very possibly be in the same position as goingbonkers if my wife had acted on the numerous divorce threats I've gotten over the past year. If an when the opportunity presents itself, goingbonkers may well decide to stay as well. It's a decision we all have to make for ourselves.

One thing that has been proven to be most effective in healthy healing is a true understanding that they do not have full control over their actions. This works many different ways when you understand it, and it's applicable for any scenario, staying, leaving, being left... it's all the same. Getting stuck on anger keeps us from moving on.

I have been working on my anger.  It seems to be the toughest battle of them all for me.  My anger goes way back.  I am in counseling.

[CodependentHusband]

I have been working on my anger.  It seems to be the toughest battle of them all for me.  My anger goes way back.  I am in counseling.

Anger is a part of it, and it can't be skipped. It's just one of the stages we can get stuck in. You know, it's interesting to me... we go through grief cycles throughout life, not only just during divorces and deaths... I definitely went through an entire grief cycle when I realized that the marriage I'm in now with me dBPDw wasn't going to be what I had thought it would be... interestingly enouge, I think my wife has also gone through some type of similar feeling of lost dreams over the same thing... As bad as I hurt, I think about her... I love her very much, but she is a broken person and will feel more pain and confusion than I will likely ever face in my lifetime. Her pain in no way lessens my pain... it's just senseless. I'd take the non part of the equation over the BPD part any day of the week.

[GreenMango]

It's important to remember the goals of the staying board are "to improve  a relationship". While the comments offered are supportive and consoling of the members situation, some of the comments seemed to be aimed at encouraging the original topic poster to exit the relationship. As a support group, we don't want to direct or advise members about decisions of this nature. It's important to allow them to make their own decisions, based on their own experiences.

[goinbonkers]

i am still feeling bummed since finding out about the bf.  i keep obsessing over it.  friends tell me that it won't last and that she will come begging back to me, but that still doesn't make me feel any better.  i still feel like caca.  i have been going for long walks and keeping myself busy but i still keep obsessing and feeling like caca.

has anyone else been through this before?  what else can i do?  ugh.

[CodependentHusband]

I've had a broken heart... I've been cheated on after 12 years of marriage in my first marriage... Only 1 of those is technically applicable in your case, but I imagine the way I felt was the same... it hurts like hell. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Keep doing your best to take care of yourself.

[united for now]

You may find more members who can connect with your situation on the leaving  board. They are in a position to offer you some ideas and support that are targeted towards what's happening.

[goinbonkers]

I've had a broken heart... I've been cheated on after 12 years of marriage in my first marriage... Only 1 of those is technically applicable in your case, but I imagine the way I felt was the same... it hurts like hell. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Keep doing your best to take care of yourself.

that helps a little bit.  thank you for commenting.

[rickstone]

"has anyone else been through this before?  what else can i do?  ugh."

goinbonkers;

i assure you after being on this site for about 5 months that many, many of us have and ARE going through it with you, even at this very moment.  many of the posts here on all three boards are regarding current, or past cheating, or lovers moving on immediately to another bf/gf.

although i'm a relative newbie, based on what others have said and my observation this is a prominent trait of BPD.  of course care to mention that not all or even most BPD sufferers have this trait, but do i dare say much more than the population at large because of their loss of identity?

currently my gf has been involved with some guy she has never met, but they have exchanged pictures, including some VERY suggestive stuff from him, although not her.  i have confronted her twice on strong terms.  I have demanded that he knows about ME. she is denying there is anything going on "he's just a friend" and "he already has a girlfriend"  and "yes, Ive told him about you", but NOTHING with her jives!  he calls her every day, sometimes more than once.
WTH!  If you already have a gf why are you waisting time with another broad for heaven sake?

I am a tortured soul like you my friend!  my days vary from relative peace feeling that what is inevitable is just so and i can live with it or to tell her never to come back to wanting desparately to beleive her, to anger and feeling like telling her to just go away forever.

peace my friend

it WILL come

[artman.1]

It's important to remember the goals of the staying board are "to improve  a relationship". While the comments offered are supportive and consoling of the members situation, some of the comments seemed to be aimed at encouraging the original topic poster to exit the relationship. As a support group, we don't want to direct or advise members about decisions of this nature. It's important to allow them to make their own decisions, based on their own experiences.

     goinbonkers,     This comment by our Moderator is right on target.  First, I must say that there is NO worse pain for anyone to endure emotionally, than our SO committing Infidelity.  This makes us question ourselves to the very core.  I had this happen with my UBPDW, and I came out forgiving, but never forgetting.  I never went through the trust problems that I have seen others have, but I never forgot the self questioning I performed on myself.  Since I discovered BPD, I now realize it was all about her, and never about me at all.  I have, however, established my own Private Limit - I will not stay with her if she commits any kind of Infidelity in the future.  This Limit is for my own protection to prevent going through that severe pain of questioning myself and feeling I don't measure up.  I am always in favor of others staying and would not judge them for that, as I have stayed with my UBPDW for 43.8 years without her love for nearly all of that time.  Is it good enough for me to love her, but her not love me?  IDK!  We will see!

Art