Found Out BPDw Has a Boyfriend

[Think About It...]

i just found out today from my BPDw's ex that she has a boyfriend.  man i guess that is par for the course.  i mean she filed for divorce recently and now already has a boyfriend.  just lovely.  it hurt to find this out.  her ex thought i already knew.  her and i don't even talk so i don't know how he figured that.  well it hurt like hell.

what hurt the most is she doesn't even have the new guy adhering to her #1 rule that was the highest priority for me and that was for me to hang around her adult kids 24/7/365.  well i found out that her kids don't even want to be around this guy nor want the grand kids around him.  that's just great.

i have been here before with other women actually.  the new guy doesn't have to adhere to any of their rigid rules that i had to or else i was a jerk.

why the heck do BPD's even do that for?  argh!

i am hurting and confused. 

[goinbonkers]

i just found out today from my BPDw's ex that she has a boyfriend.  man i guess that is par for the course.  i mean she filed for divorce recently and now already has a boyfriend.  just lovely.  it hurt to find this out.  her ex thought i already knew.  her and i don't even talk so i don't know how he figured that.  well it hurt like hell.

what hurt the most is she doesn't even have the new guy adhering to her #1 rule that was the highest priority for me and that was for me to hang around her adult kids 24/7/365.  well i found out that her kids don't even want to be around this guy nor want the grand kids around him.  that's just great.

i have been here before with other women actually.  the new guy doesn't have to adhere to any of their rigid rules that i had to or else i was a jerk.

why the heck do BPD's even do that for?  argh!

i am hurting and confused. 

[united for now]

What a horrible way to find out 

How long since the two of you spoke?

[Auspicious]

i just found out today from my BPDw's ex that she has a boyfriend.  man i guess that is par for the course.  i mean she filed for divorce recently and now already has a boyfriend.  just lovely.  it hurt to find this out.  her ex thought i already knew.  her and i don't even talk so i don't know how he figured that.  well it hurt like hell.

I'm sorry you are hurting

what hurt the most is she doesn't even have the new guy adhering to her #1 rule that was the highest priority for me and that was for me to hang around her adult kids 24/7/365.  well i found out that her kids don't even want to be around this guy nor want the grand kids around him.  that's just great.

i have been here before with other women actually.  the new guy doesn't have to adhere to any of their rigid rules that i had to or else i was a jerk.

I know this is a very tough time to learn something, but this illustrates it - you didn't "have to" follow her rules; you chose to.

We actually do have the power over our own lives. Realizing that gives us the tools to make things better and to start healing. 

[MCC503764]

i just found out today from my BPDw's ex that she has a boyfriend.  man i guess that is par for the course.  i mean she filed for divorce recently and now already has a boyfriend.  just lovely.  it hurt to find this out.  her ex thought i already knew.  her and i don't even talk so i don't know how he figured that.  well it hurt like hell.

what hurt the most is she doesn't even have the new guy adhering to her #1 rule that was the highest priority for me and that was for me to hang around her adult kids 24/7/365.  well i found out that her kids don't even want to be around this guy nor want the grand kids around him.  that's just great.

i have been here before with other women actually.  the new guy doesn't have to adhere to any of their rigid rules that i had to or else i was a jerk.

why the heck do BPD's even do that for?  argh!

i am hurting and confused. 

Mine did the exact same thing...it was insulting to me, my family, and our marriage.

They rebound so quickly because they are dependant and absolutley cannot be alone...Their rebounds are distractions for them, and really don't hold that much value to them.

I was devistated when I heard that mine did the same exact thing, I think I am more hung up on the principle of the whole thing?  It's been almost a year, (and 2 recycles), and I still cannot bring myself to be with another woman...

After the last recycle, I had to go full NC.  That is the only way that I can even begin to heal, and recover from this emotional terror...Focus on yourself, learn to regain your self pride, and self respect.  Mine emasculated the hell out of me.  All I can do is learn from this, and when the time is right and I am ready, someone capable and accepting will enter my life!

Good Luck!

MCC

[rickstone]

"Mine emasculated the hell out of me."  by MCC

mine emasculates the hell out of me too.  its really quite funny sometimes.  EVERY time i go for a kiss or hug or try to cuddle i get the complaints or the "UGH!, you forgot to wipe your face!"  its been over a year since she called me 'handsome'.  every opportunity she gets is put me down.

a little over a year ago, she called me 'adorable' and "keep smiling cause your so darn handsome".  i guess now i turned into a horrible ugly gross guy almost overnight (SARC).

but during our 5 month separation recently i made love to an attractive normal woman and reminded myself its her not me.

[Auspicious]

It's easy when we are hurting, to lash out.

It's harder to look at our role, and how we can make things better.

[goinbonkers]

What a horrible way to find out 

How long since the two of you spoke?

about a month ago.  but we were not speaking reconciliation.  she was speaking divorce.

[goinbonkers]

"Mine emasculated the hell out of me."  by MCC

mine emasculates the hell out of me too.  its really quite funny sometimes.  EVERY time i go for a kiss or hug or try to cuddle i get the complaints or the "UGH!, you forgot to wipe your face!"

and i went through the exact, i mean exact same thing.  amazing. 

i thought i was the only one in the world that that had happened to. 

[goinbonkers]

They rebound so quickly because they are dependant and absolutley cannot be alone...Their rebounds are distractions for them, and really don't hold that much value to them.

yes.  i have heard that they hate hate hate hate hate hate being alone.  they hate it.

[goinbonkers]

to all,

you comments are really helping me to not be so down in the dumps.  thank you so much.  keep them coming please.  i could use the support.  peace.

[LostinBPDland]

And rest assured, this new guy will "have to" follow her rules eventually.  It's not like he got the better version of her.  She is the EXACT same person.  I hope that makes you feel somewhat better.

He will be in your shoes in no time.

Take care of yourself.

[rickstone]

remember something goingbonkers;

as i've read many times in this forum "it's not you it's them".

that was the point of my previous post.  she thought i was adorable the first year we were together.  she knows deep within that i'm that same adorable guy.  but now she cant admit it because 'the game is on'.  its a game to her now and she cant let me get the upper hand.
ive been used and sucked in and until i acutally leave and she cant suck me back, then she'll tell me again how adorable i am.  she doesn't respect me anymore.  how easily the "i love you's" used to flow from her and now i have to pry them from her with a crow bar if at all.
now when i say "i love you" i dont expect anything back and i'm not so upset.

i didnt start dating another woman to make a point at all.   after she left me, i cried off and on for weeks and only after six weeks when i knew she was never coming back and started being lonely i started dating again met a nice woman and we started making love after knowing each other for several weeks.  it's just looking back that i realized what a stupid and pointless game BPD is.

goinbonkers keep heart;  ITS NOT YOU!, and she will use this new guy up and spit him out probably way before she did to you.

hang in there buddy!

[goinbonkers]

And rest assured, this new guy will "have to" follow her rules eventually.  It's not like he got the better version of her.  She is the EXACT same person.  I hope that makes you feel somewhat better.

He will be in your shoes in no time.

Take care of yourself.

That's what everyone keeps telling me. 

She is the exact same person because 1) she says nothing is wrong with her, and 2) she has not been working on herself at all.

[goinbonkers]

remember something goingbonkers;

as i've read many times in this forum "it's not you it's them".

that was the point of my previous post.  she thought i was adorable the first year we were together.  she knows deep within that i'm that same adorable guy.  but now she cant admit it because 'the game is on'.  its a game to her now and she cant let me get the upper hand.
ive been used and sucked in and until i acutally leave and she cant suck me back, then she'll tell me again how adorable i am.  she doesn't respect me anymore.  how easily the "i love you's" used to flow from her and now i have to pry them from her with a crow bar if at all.
now when i say "i love you" i dont expect anything back and i'm not so upset.

i didnt start dating another woman to make a point at all.   after she left me, i cried off and on for weeks and only after six weeks when i knew she was never coming back and started being lonely i started dating again met a nice woman and we started making love after knowing each other for several weeks.  it's just looking back that i realized what a stupid and pointless game BPD is.

goinbonkers keep heart;  ITS NOT YOU!, and she will use this new guy up and spit him out probably way before she did to you.

hang in there buddy!

sorry you had to go through all that. 

i need to get my picker working better before i even think about dating at this time because i am still very much attracted to the same type of woman as she is.  and i don't want to get in a different boat but with the same captain.

yes she did resort to this after should couldn't suck me back in to the same ol' same ol'.  i wanted to be back with her, but i told her things had to change and we were doing MC.  she wanted me to come back to the same ol crap and then she said she would change.  i wanted it the other way around.  our MC even said she did not believe we should move back in together because we could not even get along for the hour that we were in session.
 

[iluminati]

First, focus on getting yourself some help.  It's good not to just jump back into a relationship after any sort of breakup.  With a situation like this, that goes 10 fold.

Second, realize that the new boyfriend has that new, um, man smell.  I'd be more explicit, but they don't take kindly to that sort of language around here.  He's going to be in your spot soon enough.  Don't worry about it.

[goinbonkers]

First, focus on getting yourself some help.  It's good not to just jump back into a relationship after any sort of breakup.  With a situation like this, that goes 10 fold.

Second, realize that the new boyfriend has that new, um, man smell.  I'd be more explicit, but they don't take kindly to that sort of language around here.  He's going to be in your spot soon enough.  Don't worry about it.

Thank you.

[goinbonkers]

upon experiencing this, i am now beginning to believe that she never truly ever loved me but instead was fighting a dreadful fear of being alone.  when others were around, she tended to push away from me but when it was just her and i, she'd desperately needed me to be on call.  i really did not like that and would have preferred for her to want me around on the not desperate times.  i can recall one of the thousands of times she was mad at me when we were supposed to spend time together, she sped off and did not want to see me.  then she called back an hour later and wanted to spend time with me because she said it was either that, or stay at home all alone.  ouch.  she could have left that part out.  i guess she called around and everyone else was busy and i was the last sap at the bottom up the barrel.  ugh.

[CodependentHusband]

You know, it's easy to think that they never loved you when they do something this hurtful. I'm really sorry that this happened. I know that it hurts so bad right now that it doesn't really register that she has a mental illness. She's not capable of handling an adult relationship like someone who doesn't have this disorder.

I'm no professional, but I honestly believe that they love... In fact, I believe that they love much more intensely than people who are mentally healthy. Ultimately though, does it take any of the sting out of the hurt to know that? Would you take her back if you had the chance? It's a personal choice, and a complex one, and 1/2 of the decision is being made by someone with a mental illness.

Sometimes the best we can do is process the pain an move on. I've found that forgiveness gives me a lot of peace. My ex-wife had an affair on me... I don't know that it gets more painful than that. Forgiveness is a choice, but only for mentally healthy people. Still, it's so hard. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

[LoveNotWar]

Can you imagine feeling so miserable that you can't enjoy or appreciate love, solitude or a good life. Can you imagine throwing a good spouse away cause you can't  bear intimacy but you can't be alone cause you just can't stand that? Can you imagine being so desperate and afraid of being alone that you run from one person to another? She hurt you for sure but she is also hurting herself.

She will always be a pwBPD and until she accepts that and gets help she is destined to repeat her hurtful behaviors no matter who she's with.

goinbonkers...I am so sorry! It's just not fair or right!  I will just repeat...it's not you and you did nothing to deserve this. Be strong!   

[goinbonkers]

You know, it's easy to think that they never loved you when they do something this hurtful. I'm really sorry that this happened. I know that it hurts so bad right now that it doesn't really register that she has a mental illness. She's not capable of handling an adult relationship like someone who doesn't have this disorder.

I'm no professional, but I honestly believe that they love... In fact, I believe that they love much more intensely than people who are mentally healthy. Ultimately though, does it take any of the sting out of the hurt to know that? Would you take her back if you had Tge chance? It's a personal choice, and a complex one, and 1/2 of Tge decision is being made by someone with a mental illness.

Sometimes the best we can do is process the pain an move on. I've found that forgiveness gives me a lot of peace. My ex-wife had an affair on me... I don't know that it gets more painful than that. Forgiveness is a choice, but only for mentally healthy people. Still, it's so hard. I'm really sorry this happened to you.

I have been attending a local BPD support group and the main focus there seems to be to realize that my BPDW has a serious mental illness.  yeah i've known that for years and years now.  but like you said, does that take the sting out of it?  nope.  not in the least.

In my mindset right this every second, I would take her back in a heart beat if she got some therapy.  otherwise, no dice, I'd rather move on.