Found Out BPDw Has a Boyfriend

[Think About It...]

It's important to remember the goals of the staying board are "to improve  a relationship". While the comments offered are supportive and consoling of the members situation, some of the comments seemed to be aimed at encouraging the original topic poster to exit the relationship. As a support group, we don't want to direct or advise members about decisions of this nature. It's important to allow them to make their own decisions, based on their own experiences.

     goinbonkers,     This comment by our Moderator is right on target.  First, I must say that there is NO worse pain for anyone to endure emotionally, than our SO committing Infidelity.  This makes us question ourselves to the very core.  I had this happen with my UBPDW, and I came out forgiving, but never forgetting.  I never went through the trust problems that I have seen others have, but I never forgot the self questioning I performed on myself.  Since I discovered BPD, I now realize it was all about her, and never about me at all.  I have, however, established my own Private Limit - I will not stay with her if she commits any kind of Infidelity in the future.  This Limit is for my own protection to prevent going through that severe pain of questioning myself and feeling I don't measure up.  I am always in favor of others staying and would not judge them for that, as I have stayed with my UBPDW for 43.8 years without her love for nearly all of that time.  Is it good enough for me to love her, but her not love me?  IDK!  We will see!

Art

artman.1,

thank you for your comment.  i have been reading your posts for quite awhile... and all i can say is... dang i just don't know how you do it man.  wow.  it is just amazing.  i think my mind and body would have separated from each other long time ago and i would have been gonebonkers if i were in your shoes.

[goinbonkers]

It's important to remember the goals of the staying board are "to improve  a relationship". While the comments offered are supportive and consoling of the members situation, some of the comments seemed to be aimed at encouraging the original topic poster to exit the relationship. As a support group, we don't want to direct or advise members about decisions of this nature. It's important to allow them to make their own decisions, based on their own experiences.

     goinbonkers,     This comment by our Moderator is right on target.  First, I must say that there is NO worse pain for anyone to endure emotionally, than our SO committing Infidelity.  This makes us question ourselves to the very core.  I had this happen with my UBPDW, and I came out forgiving, but never forgetting.  I never went through the trust problems that I have seen others have, but I never forgot the self questioning I performed on myself.  Since I discovered BPD, I now realize it was all about her, and never about me at all.  I have, however, established my own Private Limit - I will not stay with her if she commits any kind of Infidelity in the future.  This Limit is for my own protection to prevent going through that severe pain of questioning myself and feeling I don't measure up.  I am always in favor of others staying and would not judge them for that, as I have stayed with my UBPDW for 43.8 years without her love for nearly all of that time.  Is it good enough for me to love her, but her not love me?  IDK!  We will see!

Art

artman.1,

thank you for your comment.  i have been reading your posts for quite awhile... and all i can say is... dang i just don't know how you do it man.  wow.  it is just amazing.  i think my mind and body would have separated from each other long time ago and i would have been gonebonkers if i were in your shoes.

[goinbonkers]

You may find more members who can connect with your situation on the leaving  board. They are in a position to offer you some ideas and support that are targeted towards what's happening.

ok i'll get it a look-see.

[goinbonkers]

you know what's the biggest thing that has me miffed? 

i was like, yeah let's see her try to get with someone else.  no guy in the world is going to want to deal with...

1. her major selfishness (NPD)
2. her overwhelming rigidity
3. her raging at the slightest provocation
4. her silent treatments that last for months on end
5. her desperate neediness whereas you have to be on call 24/7 so she can feel loved
6. her having nothing to talk about but complain about her life
7. her helplessness like she is handicap when she is far from that
8. her lack of resolution skills, even for the simplest of things
9. her rages whenever you tell her the word... NO
10. her daily bouts of depression
11. her calling you all day to cry about something that happened
12. her telling you how to be instead of accepting you
13. her often proclaiming how stupid she is
14. her expecting you to be perfect (and thinking she is perfect)
15. her never admitting she does anything wrong
16. you having to adhere to her schedule only
17. her making you responsible for all things bad in her life
18. her focusing on everything else in life as a priority beside her relationship
19. her expecting the relationship to never have any problems
20. her wanting you to never hurt her, and if you ever do, you meant to do it on purpose
21. her wanting you to worship her kids and her grand kids and never tell them they do anything wrong
22. her saying things you did or said that you never even did or said
23. her withholding sex from you if you do not beckon to her commands
24. her making you responsible for all of her feelings
25. her not having any friends to and so you get 100% of caca vomited at you
26. her saying and doing things that she does not even remember saying or doing
27. her expecting you to literally be the same exact person she is
28. her wanting you to have the same exact work schedule as she does
29. her always feeling you are having an affair 24/7
30. her getting mad at you because of what she feels about you
31. her strongly believing that you did something that you never even did
32. her expecting you to climb every mountain for her but she won't even climb a molehill for you
33. she gets upset at your successes and marvels at your downfalls
34. she talks down to you like you are a dog
35. she expects you to agree with her 100% of the time
36. if she thinks something is perfect, dare you think otherwise
37. don't even think about not going to bed at the same time as her
38. if we don't have the exact same likes, we obviously were not made to be together
39. her putting you down for not following the Lord's word when she doesn't follow it her own self
40. her making you 100% responsible for cheering her up and she has zero responsibility
41. her exaggeration of all things bad making them 10x badder than they actually are
42. her constant worrying about anything and everything
43. her need for you to say i love you every 5 minutes
44. her thinking you are mad at her when you are not
45. her trying to save the world, when she can't even save herself
46. you not sharing her frantic enthusiasm at the simplest of things
47. you can't talk about anything that is not directly related to her
48. she thinks your family hates her just because they do not suck up to her
49. she wants you to treat her kids as if they are your peers
50. if you buy yourself something without buying her something, you are being selfish
51. she rants about absolutely nothing
52. she tries to make a point that makes no sense.  then says she doesn't have to make sense.
53. don't make her mad while she is driving or she will speed like she is going to kill you both
54. always always always have a smile on your face 24/7
55. don't ever be sick.  ever
56. she tells you what you should do and never actually asks you
57. she has rules that you must adhere but you don't know the rules ahead of time
58. you have to be happy when she is and sad when she is.
59. you must be her soulmate just like in the movies
60. she tries to compare your relationship to tv/movie relationships
61. she won't trust you and feels that is normal
62. anything you do is considered an affair
63. any woman that smiles at you, you are obviously banging her
64. if you come home late, you are having an affair
65. if you talk to another woman, even the waitress, you are having an affair
66. if you comment about another woman, you want to leave her for that woman
67. you have to be hungry and eat at the same time she does
68. you get to hear her victim stories again and again and again
69. you have to deal with her intense separation anxieties/abandonment issues
70. she will call you all hours just to cry about something
71. please don't ever be busy with something else when she needs you
72. you must notice any miniscule change in her appearance and then obsess over it all day
73. you must always answer your cellphone when she calls 100% of the time
74. if she calls you while you are sleep, you best have the ringer loud enough to wake you up
75. don't even think about doing something without taking her, but she doesn't have to do the same
76. be told daily how you are so different from her.
77. she can open your snail mail, read your emails, and search through you cellphone whenever she wants
78. don't answer a phone call/text message ever while she is with you but she doesn't have to do the same
79. everything is a crisis to her
80. she forgets a lot of things
81. its 100% your job to make her feel good about herself

and with all of those things you have to adhere to, she still gets a boyfriend.  flipping amazing.  yeah and i know lots of you are saying, yeah and you were with her.  yes that is true because she wasn't like that at first.  its like she morphed right before my eyes and by that time i was too hooked to just stop, drop, and roll. oh, and also back then the sex was great and she never used to cry during or after it either and didn't use it as a weapon.

[Auspicious]

Lists and lists of what you don't like about her are not going to help you behave rationally or have a better relationship.

[rickstone]

"and with all of those things you have to adhere to, she still gets a boyfriend."

goign bonkers:

here's what you are forgetting or maybe haven't fully digested;

they CAN be very sweet, charming and attractive.  how did she win your heart in the begining?
think back to how she won you.  chances are, she is playing him the same way.

i listen to my gf all the time be sweet, playing victim, with her friends and brother all the time.
only to get off the phone and be cold to me.  whenever she calls her brother (who is a bum and steals $ from her) she end it with 'love you'.  me?  i'm lucky to get it once a month.

i've had to listen (overhear) her with this new guy, giggling, happy, sweet on the phone.   45 minute conversations.  i can only imagine the 'sweet nothings' they text each other.

remember, remember!  it is only AFTER establishing a relationship that their real personalities show up.  they hide they're misery till then and pout it out on you.

i remember when gf moved out in august how wonderful everything was living with her girlfriends,
finally rid of me.  then three weeks later she called me crying "i want to come home"
4 months later they kicked her out.  i dare to say i am the only man in her entire life that has truly loved her and she doesn't know what to do with that.

hang in ther bro

[CodependentHusband]

goingbonkers,
     I know it's very hard right now... you feel so solitary in your hurt. Now that you vented some, do you think you might be able to transition to thinking about yourself? I don't mean beating yourself up, or thinking what a saint you are for having put up with it all... you love(ed) her! Regardless of her availability to you right now, I think you're going to need to start taking care of yourself. I only tell you this, because I can see that you are in pain, and I know that this is the way to healing.

[goinbonkers]

Lists and lists of what you don't like about her are not going to help you behave rationally or have a better relationship.

I know this and agree.  Been told the same thing by many a christian.  I just needed to get it off my chest and also was sharing my thoughts with the group.  My counselor said my main problem is not getting stuff off of my chest.  I have no outlet.  I just hold it all in and experience sleepless nights, heart palpitations, and anxiety attacks.

[goinbonkers]

goingbonkers,
     I know it's very hard right now... you feel so solitary in your hurt. Now that you vented some, do you think you might be able to transition to thinking about yourself? I don't mean beating yourself up, or thinking what a saint you are for having put up with it all... you love(ed) her! Regardless of her availability to you right now, I think you're going to need to start taking care of yourself. I only tell you this, because I can see that you are in pain, and I know that this is the way to healing.

Yes I was venting.  Thanks for seeing that as it is.  My counselor tells me I need to learn to be connected with myself (and take care of me first).  I am working on it.  I have never been connected with myself my entire life.  Often times I wonder if I need to start attending a CODA group.

[goinbonkers]

here's what you are forgetting or maybe haven't fully digested;

they CAN be very sweet, charming and attractive.  how did she win your heart in the beginning?
think back to how she won you.  chances are, she is playing him the same way.

you described her exactly.  

yes i probably have not fully digested that fact after all these years.

thanks man.  you are a big help.

[CodependentHusband]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard to even really understand what 'taking care of yourself' means... probably doesn't seem to mean much at all right now because of your state of mind. That's normal, actually, but you can start getting out of that state of mind sooner by just going through the motions of taking care of yourself.

Yes, what she did was so very wrong and hurtful. Yes, you might have been able to do some things differently and things would be different now. Being mad at her or yourself doesn't help much though, does it? I think it prolongs the misery.

I'm not in your situation right now, and it may seem easy for me to say this. In my reality though, just a few months ago I mourned the loss of a marriage that I finally realized I would never have with my dBPDw after her dx with BPD and her refusal to get any kind of treatment. Sure, she's still here, and we are doing much better... I'm making the very best of a bad situation and I still love her as much as I ever did. All of that is true... but it is also true that my marriage with her will never be as wonderful as I had thought it would be because she has this condition. The pain I went through was actually pretty close in intensity as it was when I got divorced from my first wife.

The thing is... we're all going to be okay. I really believe that. I could make myself miserable by hoping that my wife gets into therapy to dramatically improve her BPD behaviors, thereby improving our relationship. You could make yourself miserable by feeling hurt by the way that you have been betrayed, and/or hoping that you can get her back. What do I have that's positive? Well, I do still have a marriage with a woman I love very much, even thought it's not what I had hoped for. As for you right now, you have a brighter future no matter what happens. Either something extraordinary happens and you and your wife get back together, or you will eventually get an opportunity to pursue a truly healthy relationship with someone else in the future when the time is right.

Hang in there!

[goinbonkers]

taking care of myself did not mean much even when i was not in this state of mind. 

i was taught to take care of others' needs first and not worry about my own. 

i learned that in catholic school actually. 

so then i end up getting into reoccurring relationships whereas i just do whatever for the other person and then do not expect much of anything in return.  that also gets me in reoccurring relationships with helpless women who cannot really do much for me. 

being their knight in shining armor feels good at first, but it is a good that never lasts though.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard to even really understand what 'taking care of yourself' means... probably doesn't seem to mean much at all right now because of your state of mind. That's normal, actually, but you can start getting out of that state of mind sooner by just going through the motions of taking care of yourself.

Yes, what she did was so very wrong and hurtful. Yes, you might have been able to do some things differently and things would be different now. Being mad at her or yourself doesn't help much though, does it? I think it prolongs the misery.

I'm not in your situation right now, and it may seem easy for me to say this. In my reality though, just a few months ago I mourned the loss of a marriage that I finally realized I would never have with my dBPDw after her dx with BPD and her refusal to get any kind of treatment. Sure, she's still here, and we are doing much better... I'm making the very best of a bad situation and I still love her as much as I ever did. All of that is true... but it is also true that my marriage with her will never be as wonderful as I had thought it would be because she has this condition. The pain I went through was actually pretty close in intensity as it was when I got divorced from my first wife.

The thing is... we're all going to be okay. I really believe that. I could make myself miserable by hoping that my wife gets into therapy to dramatically improve her BPD behaviors, thereby improving our relationship. You could make yourself miserable by feeling hurt by the way that you have been betrayed, and/or hoping that you can get her back. What do I have that's positive? Well, I do still have a marriage with a woman I love very much, even thought it's not what I had hoped for. As for you right now, you have a brighter future no matter what happens. Either something extraordinary happens and you and your wife get back together, or you will eventually get an opportunity to pursue a truly healthy relationship with someone else in the future when the time is right.

Hang in there!

[MCC503764]

Can you imagine feeling so miserable that you can't enjoy or appreciate love, solitude or a good life. Can you imagine throwing a good spouse away cause you can't  bear intimacy but you can't be alone cause you just can't stand that? Can you imagine being so desperate and afraid of being alone that you run from one person to another? She hurt you for sure but she is also hurting herself.

She will always be a pwBPD and until she accepts that and gets help she is destined to repeat her hurtful behaviors no matter who she's with.

goinbonkers...I am so sorry! It's just not fair or right!  I will just repeat...it's not you and you did nothing to deserve this. Be strong!   

and mine hides behind her profession...Marriage and Family therapist!  WTH?   ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

[goinbonkers]

Can you imagine feeling so miserable that you can't enjoy or appreciate love, solitude or a good life. Can you imagine throwing a good spouse away cause you can't  bear intimacy but you can't be alone cause you just can't stand that? Can you imagine being so desperate and afraid of being alone that you run from one person to another? She hurt you for sure but she is also hurting herself.

She will always be a pwBPD and until she accepts that and gets help she is destined to repeat her hurtful behaviors no matter who she's with.

goinbonkers...I am so sorry! It's just not fair or right!  I will just repeat...it's not you and you did nothing to deserve this. Be strong!   

and mine hides behind her profession...Marriage and Family therapist!  WTH?   ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

now that's amazing.  but she's probably real good at helping others, just not her own self.  can we say codependent?

[rickstone]

going bonkers;

perhaps you can take some solice in this, which is probably true in your case:

even though they can be very charming, sweet and lovely, they are only hiding their misery for a time in order to alleviate the pain temporarily.

but probably you were the only man that ever truely loved her.  most have probably left right after realizing what they were in for.  you with with her twelve years.  and put up with everything.
i beleive personally that true love can come only after being with a person long enough to know them at their very worst and their very best.  after going through many trials and tribulations, heights, and depths then you can truly love.
all the facebook friends and daliances are not real love because they dont or didnt REALLY know her.

she will probably never understand the depths of your pain or love.  but YOU will.

i made up my mind long ago that i would love her always no matter what.  from a distance perhaps, but even so.  and even through the pain, i know for a fact, i was the only one in her entire life, and i dare say even her family, kids and others who loved her.  that truly did.

through the pain often ponder that thought

[goinbonkers]

going bonkers;

perhaps you can take some solice in this, which is probably true in your case:

even though they can be very charming, sweet and lovely, they are only hiding their misery for a time in order to alleviate the pain temporarily.

but probably you were the only man that ever truely loved her.  most have probably left right after realizing what they were in for.  you with with her twelve years.  and put up with everything.
i beleive personally that true love can come only after being with a person long enough to know them at their very worst and their very best.  after going through many trials and tribulations, heights, and depths then you can truly love.
all the facebook friends and daliances are not real love because they dont or didnt REALLY know her.

she will probably never understand the depths of your pain or love.  but YOU will.

i made up my mind long ago that i would love her always no matter what.  from a distance perhaps, but even so.  and even through the pain, i know for a fact, i was the only one in her entire life, and i dare say even her family, kids and others who loved her.  that truly did.

through the pain often ponder that thought

wow that was powerful.  thank you for sharing.

i was told by many a counselor to get the heck out for years and years.  i am not sure why i did not listen to any of them though.  sometimes i think i would have been in a better position to this day.  well maybe not because no counselor has really had me work on myself until the counselor i have now.  she actually does not want me to leave until i work on my issues.  i kind of think that is a good idea even though i am not feeling very confident in reconciliation at all due to her (my BPDw) never admitting to any wrong doing whatsoever.

oh, she has been in previous long term relationships actually.  her ex was married to her for 12 years.  of course his experience with her was exactly the same as mine.  it was really sad how he said that when he was in jail for six months, it was more of a relief than being with her. 

he is actually the one that broke the lovely news to me about her bf.  i liked talking to him for years as he is a cool guy, but i wish he would have never told me about the other guy.  ugh.

[CodependentHusband]

I know what you mean... You were going to find out anyway though... Pain now, or pain later. Hope you are starting to take care of yourself and feel a little better. I know it's going to take a while. Man hug.   

[goinbonkers]

I know what you mean... You were going to find out anyway though... Pain now, or pain later. Hope you are starting to take care of yourself and feel a little better. I know it's going to take a while. Man hug.  

yeah you're probably right.  i would have found out myself or been informed by her anyways.  better now than later.

[goinbonkers]

attention: i still feel like caca today.  that is all.

[CodependentHusband]

Ouch! I'm sorry to hear that. Hate to suggest it, but it did wonders for me. Do you have a T right now?

[goinbonkers]

yes i have a good T that i am seeing.  she has me looking at myself which is something totally new for me.  its just a very slow road and i'm no spring chicken anymore.  i can learn new tricks but looks like its gonna take awhile though.  i am trying to stay hopeful as best i can.  i just can't yet see the sun over the horizon but i am sure it has to be there.