Red Flags

[Think About It...]

What are some red flags you recognize now, looking back at the very beginning of your BPD relationship, which you wish you hadn't ignored?

Mine are:

-- Absence of any fault in anything was evident immediately.  First hour within meeting her: "My life is a wreck, my mom is mean and unsupportive, my ex husband screwed me over for my kid, my other baby dad screwed me over for our two kids, my friends are fighting and need me to leave their house"  Any inquiry about what she may have done to result in this was met with "i have no idea" type responses.

-- Having 3 kids but not having custody of any of them

-- Being homeless (couch surfing)

-- Driving ridiculously illegally for frivolous reasons (suspended license in a vehicle with very expired reg just to go to the river for fun)

-- Horrible tattoos, some even including broken hearts and other really negative stuff

-- Said things that did not fit who she was, like "I find it hard to talk with people who aren't intellectuals" when, in reality--just from her appearance alone--one should have been able to surmise her friends were anything BUT intellectuals.  Obviously she was mirroring me based on my facebook profile which shows my interest in academia and my veneration for intellectuals.

[kapricious]

What are some red flags you recognize now, looking back at the very beginning of your BPD relationship, which you wish you hadn't ignored?

Mine are:

-- Absence of any fault in anything was evident immediately.  First hour within meeting her: "My life is a wreck, my mom is mean and unsupportive, my ex husband screwed me over for my kid, my other baby dad screwed me over for our two kids, my friends are fighting and need me to leave their house"  Any inquiry about what she may have done to result in this was met with "i have no idea" type responses.

-- Having 3 kids but not having custody of any of them

-- Being homeless (couch surfing)

-- Driving ridiculously illegally for frivolous reasons (suspended license in a vehicle with very expired reg just to go to the river for fun)

-- Horrible tattoos, some even including broken hearts and other really negative stuff

-- Said things that did not fit who she was, like "I find it hard to talk with people who aren't intellectuals" when, in reality--just from her appearance alone--one should have been able to surmise her friends were anything BUT intellectuals.  Obviously she was mirroring me based on my facebook profile which shows my interest in academia and my veneration for intellectuals.

[Mystic]

a good bit of the same here.  What bothers me most is although I heard, I did not see.  I was way too caught up "in love", and blindly thought that somehow we would be different from his past relationships. 

Very quick romance/love.  He'd found me on FB after 22 years (we'd dated in our 20's) and it was instant love, soulmate, we never should have let each other go, etc. 

Absense of fault or remorse.  Numerous failed relationships where the all ex's were demonized.

Ugly endings to past relationships.  Chaos that was always the fault of his ex partner.  Verbal and emotional abuse. 

Abandoned his pregnant ex years ago "as she sat on the couch with her friend making wedding plans".  Again, her fault for being controlling and trying to "trap" him. 

Talked about ex's a *lot*.  Way TMI. 

Unhealthy religious fervor/lack of humility..."I am God's warrior".  Acted like he had the ear of God while others just pretended to faith. 

3 known MH hospitalizations.

Poor financial control.  Deeply in debt (also ex's fault), admitted to walking out on debts in the past. 

Almost fired from his job for rage at work.  Wanted to quit on the spot and move to be with me, was enraged when I said "let's talk about this".  I was very worried about him and acquiesced (major error on my part)

Ongoing interaction with previous (married) ex who was way off balance as well, triangulation (read definition) of her and me, despite moving 1500 miles to be with me. 

Looking back, I'm just saddened.  Despite these things, my ex had many admirable qualities and I believe he wanted to be a good man with a good life.  I'd like to say had I understood his psyche (and mine) better I would have tried in other ways to help, but I tend to think it would have been hopeless.  I probably would have driven myself into the ground trying, and lost regardless. 
No matter what went down, before and during our relationship  I loved him deeply, and I was totally committed to our relationship.

[luckystrikes]

oh geez. ill have to remember. before we were together i was using the phrase "red flags" in my journal.

volatile relationship with mom. not inherently a red flag, but something ive seen before, and should have been to me.

mutual female friend whom we each called our best friend told me about ex going off on her and a few others. emphasized to me "she is CRAZY!".

we met through that mutual friend. however, we didn't actually MEET for 3 years. she lived about 45 minutes away, and we talked on instant messenger, phone, and text. there was some serious weird stuff that id experienced before. we flirted in an over the top manner, the likes of which you could reasonably claim youre kidding. something that makes me a bit uncomfortable. but she was clearly flirting, and was even clearly kind of obsessed. but then shed turn around and bring up her ex, who she was kind of recycling with. so id pull away. and then shed bring back the flirting.

while hanging out with our mutual friend, told our mutual friend i was obsessed, that i called her "baby" every seven seconds, something that not only isnt really my 'thing' to say, but it was her doing that. and she ignored my text. i dont know that that kinda thing has to be a deal breaker, its just really immature. but its also two faced and dishonest. it bugged me a lot at the time that she was that type.

our mutual friend told me that my ex had stolen a hundred dollars from her ex, and that she actually pathetically justified it basically saying he deserved it and wouldnt notice. this should have been a deal breaker before there was ever a deal, i hate thieves. ironically, she would go on to do this to me after we broke up, with a debit card i guess i left at her place, only she topped a hundred, doing 143. i of course got the money back, but it pisses me off that she still got away with the money.

her relationship with her ex was clearly not pretty. ironically, i met him, as we are both in bands, and by coincidence were booked at the same show. he was able to surmise that i knew him because of her, and asked me. i didnt exactly prompt him anyway, but he told me "yeah, i dont want to talk about it."

since we discussed some of our exes over those three years, she told me plenty of crazy stuff she did to that ex. i had a mental image that she could be a REAL btch. it was actually not all that accurate an image though, at least not in the sense i imagined.

shed had a sexual encounter just before we got together, AND told me about it. it kind of fueled the fire, actually. you wouldnt necessarily think anything of it. wed never expressly discussed being interested in each other. however, the manner in which she told me, including an apology, makes me wonder why shed tell me in the first place. she would later suggest it could have been a cry for attention, to get me to act. whatever. this was a red flag to me because something similar had happened with all the other girls id been with.

she described herself as "a sexual being". i would tease her later when we were together asking what the difference between that and a "slut" were.

so, these were all before i met her.

was a pretty big btch the first two times i met her. especially the second time. i was having a difficult time finding her apartment, and she was getting almost enraged about it. hung up on me. i shouldve driven home. the first time i got a bit lost, and she couldnt even be bothered to help me with directions. i forget what it was about, but the first time, before i met her, she said i was being "a little btch". i think i put it in joke form, but i let her know i dont tolerate being spoken to that way. she would later go on to tell me all of this was mostly insecurity.

she managed to move herself into my home for the first three months of our relationship, and to this day im not sure how. i was never okay with it. she was never invited. and i did the best i could to get her to leave.

she was way too emotional in general, from the beginning. controlling. bossy. she was again using an over the top form, but kept referring to us having kids. i remember when the first rage came, and didnt even make sense. boy did my anger fly. told her to leave, she wouldnt.

the glazed eyes. id seen them before in my previous girlfriend. for both of them it happened while they were lying with me on my bed, seemingly unable to contain themselves. huge smiles on their face, but their eyes were glazed over. disturbing. it seemed nearly identical to the ex before her.

and god, all we did was fight for those three months. what a nightmare. far from a honeymoon.

oh yeah. i didnt think much about it then. but the sudden way in which shed broken up with the boyfriend right before me, her second. i suspect now that she abandoned him, very shortly before, and im not even sure he knew they were broken up.

probably many more.