Ok Gang... who's a fixer here.

[Think About It...]

 Hi!  I am def a fixer!  I am perplexed that I can't "fix" him.  It's hard for me to give up trying!
How about you?

Carri1

[Carri1]

 Hi!  I am def a fixer!  I am perplexed that I can't "fix" him.  It's hard for me to give up trying!
How about you?

Carri1

[marbleloser]

Me...Me...ME! At least I was. Now I'm fixing me and letting everyone else fix their own problems.Once I realized that "fixing" was a way I was trying to control others,or make them like me,I stopped.I don't want to control anyone and if they like me,fine,if not,no biggie. The only one I have a chance to truly fix,is me.

[freedee]

We are all fixers. It's only natural to want to help 'fix' things. It's apart of the human drive. We are always finding better ways to do things, solve medical problems, research absolutely everything to make the world a better place and 'fix' stuff. When we find an animal hurt - we try to help. When a child has a problem - we try to help... and so on.
Our BPD's are children - so we naturally want to help. We are ignorant when we make the decision to help, of exactly what they need help with,  in fact it's like a mini research project. What's wrong here and how can I help? And so we lose ourselves temporarily in the cycle.
 I don't agree, for me anyway, that I wanted to control my BPD. I was a true scientist. Analysed the problem. Hypothesised. Researched. But ...OMG ...this problem was bigger than me!
Being a 'fixer' is not a weakness it is a human quality. I believe a BPD can trap absolutely anyone  because we are all human beings - all of us fixers unless we have BPD.
That's just me
Cheers
Dee

[luckystrikes]

im a little bit of a fixer. which i think should be distinguished from a rescuer, savior, or man on a white horse. it has dawned on me, and it was succinctly put by vre that i look for relationships with girls i can "teach" or "impart some reason upon". it jives with what i know intellectually. im not codependent, i dont believe im the answer to anyones problems or that anyone can depend on me. but it has been a dynamic that has sucked me in, and allowed me to ignore my own issues, or feel better about myself.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Mauser]

I wouldn't say I was a "fixer" originally.  Not a fixer of people.

With my ex, originally, I was a fixer of r/s issues. (Which, I actually think is a good and healthy thing).  There seems to be a problem... how can we resolve this? What options do we have? How can we eliminate friction? How is this impacting each person in the r/s?

For the first couple years, I had no idea that the problem was him (for lack of a better term). I thought there was just something horribly screwed up in the r/s that I couldn't place a finger on. And I took the blame for a lot, because I believed all the projection and gaslighting.  I wasn't allowed near his friends because *cough* I had weird looks on my face and I had an abrasive personality.  I was told I didn't communicate well.  He misunderstood my directions. His children were just 'acting out'. Whatever.

It was only when it became aparent that many of our issues were caused by his behavior that I started to try to fix him. You know, encourage him to get help. He would complain of depression, I would encourage him to get on meds. He came back from war messed up, wanting to isolate himself, not feeling love for anyone, anger issues- I pushed him to get help from the VA.  I had no clue about BPD. And I really believed once he could overcome these hurdles, everything would be perfect, I would have the fabulous r/s I had glimpsed so many times. Basically, I wanted my husband back.

If I would have had any clue of what was really going on, I would have run away years ago.

[goinbonkers]

+1 for me.

[redberry]

 Hi!

[muddychicken]

I was but never again...I would rather be alone then take on someone else's problems.

[SHolloway]

Yep, me too!  Trying to fix that about me! 

[suzn]

Yep, me too!  Trying to fix that about me! 

I've been that fixer. I would try to fix (control) other people so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I tried to fix my environment so that everything was calm...for me. Otherwise my anxiety would control ME and make me feel very out of control. In order for me to be ok...everyone else had to be ok. Now I can usually step back from everyone and not be effected by other peoples chaos. In hopes they figure things out for themselves. I was very much a thief of other peoples life lessons. 

[MaybeSo]

I'm a recovering fixer. 

[Robhart]

I'm a fixer although in mitigation she said she wanted to get out of her life of crappy bars and crappy bar guys.Logically it wasn't exactly a great life so it made sense she might want to move on and up.

[soul]

I was .. but no longer looking for a project relationship. Being a fixer says more about me than about them ... I now watch where I used to dive in. Like Mauser, I was trying to fix what I thought were relationship  issues that I just couldn't understand. But I was dealing with something that I had no resources to deal with. It left me a hollow shell in the end, even this morning awake from a dream that left me panic stricken in bed, about being abandoned by this person, even 15 months down the line.

[breathelife]

Me! I am a fixer... And I wanted to help him heal but it often was used against me although he asked abs even begged me to help.  He thanked me for it at times and held it against me at others.  Being a fixer though made me exhausted and mentally and physically ill.  And yet I still miss and cry for this leach.