Is anyone dating yet?

[Think About It...]

Just curious if anyone is dating. How long after the break-up? Any "good" stories? Have you found a healthy relationship?

[findingmyselfagain]

Just curious if anyone is dating. How long after the break-up? Any "good" stories? Have you found a healthy relationship?

[hijodeganas]

Oddly enough, I started dating again almost immediately after the break up, and proceeded to get myself a new GF about two weeks later. 

Not that I recommend doing this; I wasn't intending on committing myself that soon.  I intended to start dating around immediately, but I didn't think I would settle with one girl for at least a few months.  The circumstances were interesting, so I agreed to a monogamous r/s with the girl.

Weird thing is, four months later, I couldn't be happier.  I'll put it this way: I don't believe in soulmates, but this is about the closest I've come.

She's in the states doing, studying abroad.  I knew from the get go she had plans to go, but it's still tough.  However, we've been communicating a lot, and I realize more and more how crazy I am about her.

It's the polar opposite from my uBPD r/s.  Despite the distance, I feel much calmer, safer, more secure and more steady with this girl.  I feel supported, encouraged, cared for and loved, even when we have disagreements.  I hope I am making her feel the same way.

So to answer your question:  Yes, I jumped right back into the dating scene as soon as my depression stage wore off and yes, I am now currently dating someone and it's going great.

[ibelieveinus]

I'm dating. :0) It took awhile to get here but I'm glad to say I HAVE ARIVED! I've been out about a year. I tried dating back in December but it took a turn for the worst. IE The guy turned out to be another coo coo bird. I can't say whether or not things are successful because were still too early in the relationship to know anything concrete but I will say were trying to take things very slowly. There are boundried (no sex until there is an established relationship & lots of trust) and understandings ( I will not change for him or put up with any abusive behaviors) and he respects both. The real question is, why are you asking? Are you dating or considering dating? How long have you been out?

[ellil]

I am a little over six months out of my r/s with my exBPDbf waif. I wasn't in love with him, but I really wanted to be. When I was with him for that year, and was pretty sure he was "just too odd" for me to stay with him forever, I kept trying to talk myself into loving him and talk myself into making it work forever. I kept bargaining with myself.

So there's my disclaimer.

I thought I'd give myself a year to be alone. And I can do that. But I'm pretty happy, working on myself and I'm pretty sure I'm in a good place with my values, boundaries, and self esteem.

Also, I am 50 and the pool is not getting any deeper, if ya know what I mean.

Two months ago I dated a few times, but was definitely not into it.

But now, I am ready and I'm actually excited to try my new "skills" and "tools." I'd love to have some grownup companionship with a guy complementary to me.

So there is someone. We're in the very early stages of discovery about each other. He has qualities that are on my "must-have" list, but the thing is, I'm not really physically attracted to his looks. I believe I have been superficial in the past and placed too much on that initial attraction/passion. I am willing to explore whether attraction can grow when two people find they like each other's company so much and look forward to seeing each other.

Oh, and he's got a Ph.D. in psychology. My exBPDbf waif had the same, along with a J.D. I remember loving his psychology background because he had great insights into human nature (believe it or not).

We'll see...

M

[MirrorProof]

dating im not

putting my life back together first, screwing around yes

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[findingmyselfagain]

I've been dating...I started too early b/c I knew she started dating her co-worker shortly after I was the "love of her life", adopted her baby, etc...I thought it wasn't fair b/c I was only guilty of being a good fiance. It messed me up for a while. I dated someone for about 5 months, but realized finally that we didn't have nearly enough in common. Our conversations might last 15 minutes, and she didn't seem to be including me at all in her life. She liked the 'burbs and i liked to do things in the city and enjoyed fun things. After that I never really connected with anyone for several months. When I did, I just didn't seem to be ready so I relaxed a bit.

I believe the reason a guy who's great on paper (nice job, kind, fun, likes people and adventures, etc.) like me is still alone is because *I* have a fear of intimacy. And unhealthy females like my mom are who I'm familiar with. So I'm scared of intimacy but sometimes I get what I'm looking for and it's a vicious cycle. Like most people I don't want to be alone, but I have a fear that I'll end up with someone like my mom. That's held me back all these years from getting comfortable with a healthy woman. That, and a loss of trust/self-esteem after becoming diabetic. Not shortly after that I adopted a life is hard kind of attitude myself and struggled instead of thrived. So I was ate it up like candy with the borderline honeymoon.

I'm seeing a woman now who's been divorced, but she seems to actually admit fault (my ex always blamed her ex's...never took any responsibility). It's been several years. She seems to be mature and trustworthy. Her sister recently passed away, and we're not quite close enough to grieve that loss together. I offered her my support and she seemed to be very appreciative. She seems to be well-grounded and has a strong sense of self. I'm not used to the healthy pace, but I'm getting comfortable with it. We've hung out 4 times in the last month. With my ex, it was 4 times in just over a week. But I'm very comfortable with her and feel like I can trust her. We don't have to be on top of each other every minute. I'm letting her grieve her sister and I'll let her talk to me when she's ready. I do enjoy the peace I have in my life now though sometimes I wander to the r/s with the borderline and wonder what the heck happened and how she is doing. The waif  hooked me in with my sympathy, but I'm pushing away and letting go the best I can.

[Want2know]

I'm not sure how old you are, but the older I get (I'm 47), the more I realize that I need people, but I don't necessarily need a partner right now.  I would like one, but I'm in no rush, nor do I feel that I am not whole without someone else.  I have many good friends, and interests, and if someone comes along that fits into my life, great - if not, then I will continue on progressing and interacting with people in a way that is fulfilling.

Sounds like you are in a similar place.  Do you generally feel comfortable with how you are doing, or are you more anxious than comfortable?  There will always be some level of anxiety over this and that, but if it's minimal and not getting in your way of living a full life, then that's ok.

[Gowest]

So there is someone. We're in the very early stages of discovery about each other. He has qualities that are on my "must-have" list, but the thing is, I'm not really physically attracted to his looks. I believe I have been superficial in the past and placed too much on that initial attraction/passion. I am willing to explore whether attraction can grow when two people find they like each other's company so much and look forward to seeing each other.

I tried this with the first person I tried to date post-therapy. He looked good on paper but I just couldn't get in to dating him. But then, I didn't particularly like his company either, so that could have been the real problem. I mean, he was okay and not a bad person, but just not that fun to talk to. I'm interested in hearing how this works out for you.

Now I'm dating someone who I am very attracted to and he is not objectively better-looking than the previous guy, I don't know what it is exactly, I just know I'm really into him. Naturally, I'm worried that there is something very very wrong here that I'm not seeing...

I have literally not been so attracted to someone since I was a teenager. Maybe this is actually a good sign? I met uBPDex when I was 19, and I was never really attracted to him physically, just emotionally. I wanted to believe I was physically attracted to him (because he wanted that) but I ended up believing that I was asexual instead because I just wasn't into him. He was objectively very attractive, but maybe my body knows evil when it feels it. I hope so, anyway.

[sea5045]

I'm not sure how old you are, but the older I get (I'm 47), the more I realize that I need people, but I don't necessarily need a partner right now.  I would like one, but I'm in no rush, nor do I feel that I am not whole without someone else.  I have many good friends, and interests, and if someone comes along that fits into my life, great - if not, then I will continue on progressing and interacting with people in a way that is fulfilling.

I feel the same way.  Have had 3 first dates but nothing clicked.  I have so many new people in my life, and am doing things for me, it just feels good to feel happy again...I met a friends roommate the other day, and we hit it off and she says I'm her new BFF. It's just so nice to be liked and know that people care about me, and want to be my friend

[LoveNYC]

I can't even stomach the thought of dating. It really sickens me. I've gone out with my friends many times just to hang out and distract myself and be with THEM. He really isolated me from them so I feel guilty and know I need to make them a priority now. If a guy speaks to me in the bar I'm almost flinching.

Definately not ready. Two and a half months NC.

Not sure I ever will be.

[Want2know]

Definately not ready. Two and a half months NC.

Not sure I ever will be.

Give yourself some time.  We all have different speeds of how soon we are ready to attempt another r/s.  It is up to you if this is something you want in the future, and to process your experiences so that you get yourself to a place where you feel comfortable trying again.  Some people take off a year or two before dating again...hang in there! 

[sea5045]

Yes I have been out 18 months and still even though I have met some nice people, I don't want to take on their relatives, or their ex's children, or their money problems...I just don't want any attachment unless it's stable, and that's hard to find sometimes.

So give yourself time, you might feel less disgusted in a few more months, but man it is hard to even want to connect.  weird..once you get over this and are functioning again why get involved..that' s how cynical I feel at times, but I think I am functioning again and that's all that matters. Take care. Sea

[Want2know]

Most definitely we don't want to take on other peoples problems, but that's when you also have to be a little empathetic and be real thinking that I have my own baggage, and who really wants to take on that, as well?

Getting to the point where you manage your baggage, and can be functional and understanding what is a healthy r/s, that's the beginning to it.  We all have baggage, BPD/npd/any pd, or not. 

The fact that we are all trying to work it out here is huge...don't cut yourself short on that one.  Many just go through their lives living and not trying to figure out what needs to be done to move on in the right way.  No denial, just raw thoughts and interpretations of our experiences that we bounce off each other.  I am so thankful to have this space where that can be done with some amazing people. 

[findingmyselfagain]

I feel comfortable mostly. I believe it's a major fear that I have to consciously go up against until it's gone. Getting finding and being comfortable with a healthy r/s is going to be a bit of a struggle at first. It's getting much easier as time goes by. In the past I'd feel anxious after a date, or even after hanging out with close friends. Just the fear of getting close I originally had magnified 100x by the borderline break-up. My brain is slowly but surely starting to switch past all of the chemistry. I really was a good fiance and trusted her and her family. So it's no wonder I went into a shock when it ended so quickly and I was cut off so completely. I didn't see it coming at all. But I'm more excited and happier to look for someone to share a healthy life with. I don't worry as much about my ex...she was the waify type...no longer attracted to those kinds of girls. I've learned more about who I really am, and I'm being true to me. I'd really like to be with someone but I'm happy until I find them. Not looking so terribly hard, but once someone wins my trust I know it'll be alright.

[OTB]

Yep...been dating a woman for a 1-1/2...healthy, healthy, healthy...did I say healthy?  Now I realize how dysfunctional the BPD rs was. 

Talked to my T last night about this woman.  I don't have to label it if she is my gf or whatever.  Just living in the moment and enjoying it.  I am 46 and she is 32.  I think we often try to define what we have with someone else, looking to the future and we forget that we have to live in the present.

[crystal]

Very soon after the end of my long  marriage to BPD I started in a relationship with a really good person but we were both still pretty wounded from our previous relationshps. Neither of us was ready and we had an "unhealthy break up" and in some ways our relationship was not healthy. 

Since then, I have had three healthy relationships (two were less than six months, one was 1 1/2 years) and three healthy break ups.  The health break up thing is almost more amazing than being in a healthy relationship! 

I am not dating now, but am open to the idea. I would like to find a life partner, but it just isnt happening now, so I am focusing on teh other things in my life-- friends, family, hobbies.

  I tried an on-line dating site for a while and had fun... met some nice men but no one who clicked. When I realized it was getting old and feeling forced and not fun, I stopped.  Dating is meant to be FUN, right?  My advice, take it slow. Get comfortable being on your own.  Rebuild the other parts of your life and if dating doesnt feel good, back off.

[sea5045]

Went out this weekend to my pub where I can bring my dogs and played hearts with a friend and a new person. She ended up showing me her wedding gown, plans, it was just FUN.  Just so nice to get to know people and enjoy a nice balmy night.

[gettingoverit]

For a long time the thought of dating again made me want to hurl. I also figured that after being on my BPD's crazy train, I would not date for a very long time...years even. It wasn't until I was ok with being on my own again, and starting to live my life again that someone walked into my life...almost a year after my ex and I broke up. It was quite a surprise so say the least. I have been very careful with this woman. I have been looking for red flags but nothing has come up. I enjoy being with her, I enjoy chatting with her and I am taking it one day at a time with her. It feels great to be with someone who not only understands what it's like to be dating a BPD (her ex was BPD also), but who has done the personal work and is relatively healthy(who is nowadays?). I feel good again..that has been a long time coming.

[findingmyselfagain]

Well, the girl I've been seeing the longest seems to be developing into something. She's been divorced...but only once...haha! That was about 8 years ago. She seems to be very mature, well-grounded in reality. Though my #1 love language is quality time, I've been able to accept that she's very busy with work and going to school. She's 33 y/o...a year and a day older than me. She seems to be a fan of moving slowly, which is very foreign to me after coming off the borderline blitz. But I have to say my gut is giving me much better vibes this time. I mistook the borderline neediness/insecurity/intensity for love. It feels a little uncomfortable to get close to someone, but I've been able to talk myself into sticking it out, and it's feeling better now. We talk once or twice a week and text pretty often. Though we haven't spent as much time together physically...that seems to be improving. We have good conversations. She seems down-to-earth and 100 times more mature than the waif that I was engaged to. Bless her heart, but it's not my issue any more. I've got a life to enjoy. Though I still have my ups and downs...I've gotten through the worst of the withdrawal and see a nice life ahead of me. It's possible to get there, folks! We deserve the best life has to offer.

[jessicapuppy]

Went out this weekend to my pub where I can bring my dogs and played hearts with a friend and a new person. She ended up showing me her wedding gown, plans, it was just FUN.  Just so nice to get to know people and enjoy a nice balmy night.

That just sounds so lovely