So I was just thinking

[Think About It...]

My BPDw a few years back mentioned she wanted to go to school to be a theripst. I told her at the time I didn't like the idea of somebody who is already verry good at manipulating people professional training on how to do it better. I realize now that my stance on that was selfish as all get out. I am starting to think I should bring it back up and suggest it. Any thoughts?

[phillbattle]

My BPDw a few years back mentioned she wanted to go to school to be a theripst. I told her at the time I didn't like the idea of somebody who is already verry good at manipulating people professional training on how to do it better. I realize now that my stance on that was selfish as all get out. I am starting to think I should bring it back up and suggest it. Any thoughts?

[artman.1]

uphillbattle,
     Sounds like that was pretty Manipulative in the first place by yourself, and controlling as well.  Yes, by all means support her in any way you can to help her become more self reliant and happy, greater esteem, as you do know BPD's tend to have poor self esteem based on past life abuses, and such.

Art

[briefcase]

Just curious . . . what's bringing this up now? 

[united for now]

I agree with briefcase - why now?

[phillbattle]

 I have been doing quite a bit of self reflection lately. In doing so I see many things I could do differnt going forward. This was a pretty major one to me and kept replaying in my head yesterday morning.

[CodependentHusband]

Hmmm... This is an intersting one. You know, we all come to different conclusions about past actions we have taken from time to time. It's healthy to be self-critical and look for ways to improve ourselves. Like you, I've realized that something I said or did was wrong. I've also noticed that if I bring up something that reminds my wife of past hurt, it sometimes does more harm than good. So, now, I tend to wait for an opportunity if a particular topic comes up in conversation naturally... If it doesn't, I usually just chalk it up to experience and try to do better next time.

So, would you be bringing it up for her benefit or for your benefit?

[phillbattle]

Hmmm... This is an intersting one. You know, we all come to different conclusions about past actions we have taken from time to time. It's healthy to be self-critical and look for ways to improve ourselves. Like you, I've realized that something I said or did was wrong. I've also noticed that if I bring up something that reminds my wife of past hurt, it sometimes does more harm than good. So, now, I tend to wait for an opportunity if a particular topic comes up in conversation naturally... If it doesn't, I usually just chalk it up to experience and try to do better next time.

So, would you be bringing it up for her benefit or for your benefit?

I did bring it up last night. I am honestly not sure if it was more for her or for me, that is an intersting question though I will have to give it some thought.

You are right about more harm than good though. She smiled when I said it, then immeditly began to probe my motivations behind it. She started to fidgit with her hair at the time which is always a sign that she is getting ready to blow. This was the first time I was able to work on valadation in a tense situation. While I fumbled through it, by the end of the night she had calmed down which is better than the week or month of hell that would normaly follow this.

[CodependentHusband]

Sorry it didn't go as well as you would have liked. Sounds like you learned something from this though, so that's not all bad, is it?

I've read from reputable sources that when a pwBPD thinks about past hurts, it can feel every bit as painful to them as when the event actually occurred, even something that happened 20 years ago! Can you imagine that? This is where learning about the disorder can help us in a practical way to improve the relationship.

For what it is worth, I've also noticed that my wife tends to not like thinking about anything emotionally intense, even strong feelings of love make her uneasy.

[phillbattle]

even strong feelings of love make her uneasy.

My wife actually expressed this same thing to me a couple of weeks back. Almost made me want to cry I felt so bad for her. I could not imagine something that can be the most wonderful feeling in the world being tainted by this. It must be hell on her.

[CodependentHusband]

Yes... I've always had a lot of empathy and compassion for my wife, but in learning about the disorder more, I'm amazed at how much compassion I have for her now compared to before her dx in November. Even with her in denial about BPD, I'm so glad that I have some insight into what is going on.

[phillbattle]

It really has been an eye opener to realize that the resentmens that I have been holding on to are not only borne out of ignorance but flat petty compaired to the pure anguish that she must feel on a day to day basis.

[CodependentHusband]

It's true... We have to try our best to make the relationship as healthy as it can be. To do that, making ourselves healthy is a good start. It would be easy to become consumed with trying to make their lives easier, but that's enabling for sure, and short of resentment, it would become exhausting to try to "fix" everything for them. That black and white thinking is a big part of the problem and we can get "fleas" and start thinking the same way. It's all about balance.