Dating - where's the spark/excitement?

[Think About It...]

Hello there... Thought I would move over to this board!

Just a general question I am just over 12 months out from my BPD experience, over the past 6 months I have dated 4 different girls all different to my exBPDgf but having the qualities I look for, compassionate, caring, attractive, intelligent and so on..

However none have clicked like I did with ex BPD.. The intensity and passion arnt there.. To be honest I find myself somewhat indifferent.. I remember the excitement when ex would text or call.. Nothing like that since dating again?

I beleived that intensity, passion was a sign of this is something special.. I guess my question is it possible to replicate the same love, desire and emotions as you did with the BPD ex in a healthy way? As in surely you can just be really into someone who is the person they are or are those emotions only there due to mirroring?

I guess have the initial honeymoon but throughout the entire relationship?

Friends think I'm crazy as I keep withdrawing from these girls that are interested...

I do and did beleive I was ready to date again as I do not want the ex back she is with someone else and I am in different.. Wish them the best..

You always here about when it's the one you just know.. It's almost getting me down as I beleive maybe the BPD has taken away my ability to have a relationship like used up all the emotions I had in me? Geeez sounds crazy..

Hey what guy wouldn't want a girl who is a solicitor, competition dancer and donates spare time to various charities she sounds perfect and she is great in person.. I guess I am starting to question what is wrong with me? Am I broken?

[discardedbf]

Hello there... Thought I would move over to this board!

Just a general question I am just over 12 months out from my BPD experience, over the past 6 months I have dated 4 different girls all different to my exBPDgf but having the qualities I look for, compassionate, caring, attractive, intelligent and so on..

However none have clicked like I did with ex BPD.. The intensity and passion arnt there.. To be honest I find myself somewhat indifferent.. I remember the excitement when ex would text or call.. Nothing like that since dating again?

I beleived that intensity, passion was a sign of this is something special.. I guess my question is it possible to replicate the same love, desire and emotions as you did with the BPD ex in a healthy way? As in surely you can just be really into someone who is the person they are or are those emotions only there due to mirroring?

I guess have the initial honeymoon but throughout the entire relationship?

Friends think I'm crazy as I keep withdrawing from these girls that are interested...

I do and did beleive I was ready to date again as I do not want the ex back she is with someone else and I am in different.. Wish them the best..

You always here about when it's the one you just know.. It's almost getting me down as I beleive maybe the BPD has taken away my ability to have a relationship like used up all the emotions I had in me? Geeez sounds crazy..

Hey what guy wouldn't want a girl who is a solicitor, competition dancer and donates spare time to various charities she sounds perfect and she is great in person.. I guess I am starting to question what is wrong with me? Am I broken?

[seeking balance]

Maybe you are not broken, but simply not ready to date yet.  Or maybe, you just have not met the right person.

Think of it this way...you had a very intense unhealthy BPD relationship.  That kind of passion is fun, but it is not healthy and it is not lasting.  Until you truly accept this and grieve fully the relationship ending - dating anyone else will seem less than.

If you want the extreme highs - that usually comes with lows.  Healthy love is more about a balance, a mature understanding that in a relationship the passion ebbs and flows.

To me, it sounds like until you fully let go of your ex; you will continue to compare the "good" of her to other women - and that doesn't bode well for you or the date.

Do you have a T of your own to process this with?

[Finallyfree123]

You have to train yourself out of this. When I first started dating I was looking for that same intensity. It's not healthy because what goes up must come down. The higher up the lower down.

What I did was simply stop looking. For anyone or anything. I go out and have fun with great people. I spoil myself more than I use to. I surround myself with healthy friends who have healthy relationships.
Through all this I am resetting my normal.
I am more content with a balanced relationship and no longer seek intensity.

It takes time. But if you full-fill your needs you will attract the right partner. A healthy partner.
 

[Mauser]

I haven't started to date since the last breakup (well, since the last 4 breakups )... but I know what you mean.  For the first 3 years (and about 20 breakups) I would try to go out and date right away, or even after several months. It never worked.
1) the guy wasn't my pwBPD. I missed my pwBPD. I loved him.
2) And, it just wasn't the same. I was looking for the same excitement, the same hook, the same connection. I rarely got past first dates- they were boring with no spark.

It's been 7 months for me since the last b/u, and I keep wondering if I should test the waters again. I think in some ways I am ready (not really missing him, and looking forward to 'normal' people)... OTOH I'm seriously worried about all my fleas, and don't know how I will function again in a normal r/s.

[trax]

Glad I'm not the only one!   

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[hithere]

I felt very much the same way, she was hot, smart, sexy, high paying job...

4 is not that many and I agree with what everyone else is saying, the chaos and intensity can be addicting but it can't last.  At some point you will click with the right person and be glad to have a normal relationship.

[AnonNZ]

What I did was simply stop looking. For anyone or anything. I go out and have fun with great people. I spoil myself more than I use to. I surround myself with healthy friends who have healthy relationships.

Great advice. It took three years before I was interested enough in someone to date, and even then it was a surprise and I wondered if I was ready for it.

Recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD and recalibrating your sense of what's normal takes time. From my experience, until you've recalibrated most new relationships are either going to feel threatening or lacking something.

[Gowest]

I haven't seen my uBPDex in the flesh for, hmm. Almost five years. Aside from twice when I was in therapy over a year ago, I haven't spoken to him for almost three years.

I went through all the tedious dates with people I found indifferent to boring, leaving the house and not finding anything but friends. Last week I found some sparks. I'm a bit suspicious about it, though I know I'm too healthy now to date someone with BPD. And none of the warning signs are there, talking about sex all the time, instantly spending all our time together, constant contact, that stuff. Which doesn't mean he is well adjusted, but he seems really well-adjusted. It's very exciting. I just have no idea what makes this guy different than the other guys I've attempted to date. I guess I will find out.

[discardedbf]

Thank you for all your replies.

Seeking Balance - I certainly do have a T, had one for the last 12 months. The T encouraged me to date and whilst i was hesitant did so.

Go West - Thats exactly it! Its sorta boring, its cliche but its like that statement im not that into you!

I do know enough to know that i do not want the abnormal high - i.e. the push/pull the mirroring etc.. But do chase the oh i adore this girl, its great to hear from her, i want to be with her.

I guess i have forgotten what normal is? can those intense in love feelings exist in a normal relationship? or is a normal relationship simply a shes "ok"?

mmmmmmm after reading this it seems like i am trying to force something that maybe cannot be forced.. My question is has anyone found a stronger bond with their "normal" relationship than with their BPD partner?

My exBPDgf was diagnosed by two different therapists so i am at ease with the it will never work.. i truly am ok with that.. and no part of me wants that person back in my life.. Its sort of well where to from here?  I have a large network through my profession so meeting ppl is not an issue the issue is am i simply not ready to date? how do u know when you are?

Jeeeez alot of questions in there, apologies if it does not make the most sense... as you can probably detect i am confused mentally and emotionally as to whats next after dealing with the break up, becoming at ease with it and accepting it for what it is. So the next step i thought was to move on and be with someone healthy and whilst it was refreshing to see the potential of a normal healthy relationship i seemed to be as indifferent to any date as i am to exBPD.

[hijodeganas]

This is typical, for two reasons already mentioned here:

1. No one will have the emotional intensity (read: volatility, or instability) that your ex did.

2. Most people are not an appropriate match, and a lot of people are boring, quite frankly.    I'm pretty picky.


I'm now in probably the healthiest r/s I've ever been in in my life, and I've been in quite a few.  But it was awkward, to say the least, at first.  I kept expecting a massive impact of passion at some point, but what happened was more like what seeking balance said: the passion slowly and gradually grew (and occasionally dipped).  But I made the decision to commit to her and what happened was interesting: once I committed fully she very naturally grew on me, and now I'm "crazy" about her without the intensity.  I'm passionate about the r/s without feeling unbalanced.

Moral of the story: If you find someone worthwhile it may be worth it to all things to grow.  Til then, no hurry.

[discardedbf]

hijo - thank you thats exactly what i was looking for.

I guess i needed reminding of how a natural relationship evolves. Instead of pure intensity from day one.

Its funny after so much time with the BPD ex you forget how a relationship works. It shouldnt be intense, it should have the highest highs to the highest lows.

I guess you cannot have one without the other.

Thanks again.. I guess from here on in i will stop attempting to find that intense spark and let it play out before shutting the door too quickly.

[C12P21]

I was out of the r/s for almost two years when I decided it was time to date. I accepted a date from a man but told him to call me in nine months as I was still grieving a relationship, nine months to the day, he called me.
We have been dating now for ten months and I am slower than a slug and very careful.
There is no intensity to this relationship, it is platonic, and I am so cautious. He knows about the exnpd/BPD bf and he understands, given he is a mental health professional it is an added bonus.
I view our relationship like a flower that has budded and is slowly opening up, sometimes I am bored with him as he can be boring. Other times he is great to talk with, he can be cranky and sour..and he apologizes and takes responsibility when he is grumpy, other times he is charming and delightful. He is wonderfully average, not handsome, and bumbling in so many ways.
And you know, a small part of my heart loves him with passion, while the most part of my heart loves him as my friend. We have not told each other we love each other, we are both going slow.
What I am trying to say to you is this-sometimes the better things in life are the slow and steady. Give yourself time..you may never feel the intensity of the illusion of your relationship with a BPD, but you may discover the warmth of genuine love.
Some folks like to sit by the fire to warm themselves, others like to get to close to the flame to feel the heat.
This girl is sipping cocoa with my toad that is a prince..
C

[discardedbf]

Thank you for your response C1... I understand what you are saying.

But the way you describe him is hardly that of the guy that takes your breath away that you want to be with forever. I am relatively young (30) so i always had this ideal that true love is something you just know. I speak to friends or colleagues who are happily married and ask how did you know she/he was the one? they reply with you just know. I dont seem to have this (i had it with one partner before the BPDex and with BPD ex) and from reading your post it seems like you are not truly convinced that this is forever"?

By no means do i mean any offence and i do wish you and your partner the best for many years to come.

I am just trying to figure out the dynamics of a normal relationship. I do not want to just settle with someone because its "ok" i guess my therapist planted this in my head when i talked about my recent dating experiences.. her reply was discarded dont you want to be in love? dont you want that butterfly feeling again? Dont you want to be excited to speak to this person? do not settle just because it is comfortable.

I guess it was that discussion which prompted this post...

[hijodeganas]

hijo - thank you thats exactly what i was looking for.

I guess i needed reminding of how a natural relationship evolves. Instead of pure intensity from day one.

Its funny after so much time with the BPD ex you forget how a relationship works. It shouldnt be intense, it should have the highest highs to the highest lows.

I guess you cannot have one without the other.

Thanks again.. I guess from here on in i will stop attempting to find that intense spark and let it play out before shutting the door too quickly.

I'm glad it helped.  I didn't explain it as lucidly as I wanted to, unfortunately.

I would say rather than "stop" yourself from doing something, instead "allow" things to happen.  Don't force yourself to be attracted, but allow her a chance or two to impress you.  That's how it worked for me.  I liked the girl well enough, even though I wasn't completely smitten with her.  She won me over because over time she did a number of things I wasn't expecting that impressed me immensely.  And even though initially I was still thinking of my ex, now I have trouble remembering why my ex occupied more time in my mind than my current GF does.  I've grown back into enjoy healthy.  I hope it happens for you too!  

[SunflowerFields]

She won me over because over time she did a number of things I wasn't expecting that impressed me immensely.

Funny question - were you just waiting to see if she would impress you, or did you do anything to impress her as well?

[hijodeganas]

She won me over because over time she did a number of things I wasn't expecting that impressed me immensely.

Funny question - were you just waiting to see if she would impress you, or did you do anything to impress her as well?

Neither.  We had both just come out of not so healthy r/s's and I knew she was leaving to the US for a year.  We just clicked and decided to try it out.  Neither of us had high expectations at all.  It just turned out she had a lot more character and personality and strength and goodness in her than I had expected.  I had planned to hang out with a girl I kinda liked til she left and I wound up falling for her.  Go figure.

[SunflowerFields]

It just turned out she had a lot more character and personality and strength and goodness in her than I had expected. 

Right. And what characteristics in you did she find that made her want to be with you?

I'm not pulling your chains. I'm honestly curious if you had tried to impress her, too. Because, well, I am a woman back in the dating field, and to be honest, I totally expect men to impress me. (in addition to me impressing them too, of course ).

[hijodeganas]

It just turned out she had a lot more character and personality and strength and goodness in her than I had expected. 

Right. And what characteristics in you did she find that made her want to be with you?

I'm not pulling your chains. I'm honestly curious if you had tried to impress her, too. Because, well, I am a woman back in the dating field, and to be honest, I totally expect men to impress me. (in addition to me impressing them too, of course ).

No, I never "try" to impress.  I am impressive person, I don't need to try.

[SunflowerFields]

No, I never "try" to impress.  I am impressive person, I don't need to try.

Thanks.

This is btw a precise reason why two nons will never end up together

[hijodeganas]

No, I never "try" to impress.  I am impressive person, I don't need to try.

Thanks.

This is btw a precise reason why two nons will never end up together

Have no idea why you'd come to that conclusion, especially considering my GF and I are both nons.