Mostly, sad that I was that excited girl in love like that for the first time. Thinking he was my happy ending, that it actually had happened for me and it turned out to be a fraud, a lie, an ugly knockoff and all a trick, a hoax, a joke at my expense.
Yes, this more than anything is what I am still mourning. How happy I was. The joy of thinking that, after all, life was going to be this rewarding, and fun, and companionable, and sweet. The feeling of complete trust and safety he created for me. My self-confidence about us and where we were going.
A few days before it all ended, one of my closest friends, who was struggling with her 20 year marriage and somewhat envious of my glorious new love, asked me "what are your expectations for this relationship?" and I replied instantly, and with complete assurance, "everything."
Yes, I too feel so sad for all of us.