What were your pwBPD's friendships like?

[Think About It...]

So, since the person in my life with BPD traits is was a friend, I was wondering if anyone would share about their pwBPD's friendships. Did they have friends? Did they move from friend to friend or group-of-friends to group-of-friends? Did they have any friends that they claimed started to stalk them? Did they ditch their friends once they started a relationship? Were their friendships close or superficial? How did they handle disagreements with friends? Was there triangulation (read definition) or pitting of one friend against another?

Okay. That's about all I can think of to ask now.  Thanks for letting me barrage you guys with questions!  

[Belka]

So, since the person in my life with BPD traits is was a friend, I was wondering if anyone would share about their pwBPD's friendships. Did they have friends? Did they move from friend to friend or group-of-friends to group-of-friends? Did they have any friends that they claimed started to stalk them? Did they ditch their friends once they started a relationship? Were their friendships close or superficial? How did they handle disagreements with friends? Was there triangulation (read definition) or pitting of one friend against another?

Okay. That's about all I can think of to ask now.  Thanks for letting me barrage you guys with questions!  

[Clearmind]

Found a friend, clung to them for dear life, friend had other committments in life, my ex would move onto a person more available (emotionally, physcially). Given this I would say friendships are superficial and based on a shaky attachment. This also goes for romantic relationships.

Its not your fault Belka! BPD is an emotional and attachment disorder - you were likely a good friend! Good friends let their friends find themselves - have you let go?

[soul]

One or two friends max. And they were always talked badly about when she was not with them. If a friend of hers did not respond in the way that she wanted to, she would write them off.

And yes all friends dropped for new love interest.

[luckystrikes]

dont know a lot about before i got with her. we met through a mutual female friend, the friend was her sorority "big sis". i know she got along with the other members, but ended up dropping out. she went a bit crazy on the mutual friend and some others (the mutual friend told me about this and emphasized "she is CRAZY"). they remained friends but the friend put some serious distance between them. my ex was definitely attached to her.

then she had another best friend shed known for quite some time...who was probably a lunatic herself. they fell out at exactly the same time we got together.

had two female friends, i guess you could describe them as close, but one is the dumbest person ive ever met. and then another one out of town. as far as the mirror act goes, she was relatively consistent around the latter two, a totally different person around the dumb one. however, she became really aggressive and mean to all three of them when we broke up, and fell out with them. so, no telling anymore.

there was kind of a weird guy shed been friends with a lot of her life. very confident they were never romantic. hes been a relatively stable friend, but theyre kept at some distance most of the time.

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[moving1]

One or two friends max. And they were always talked badly about when she was not with them. If a friend of hers did not respond in the way that she wanted to, she would write them off.

And yes all friends dropped for new love interest.

I still find the similarity's amazing on this board. I know I shouldnt as we're all talking about the same illness but I wonder how often the same person has been talked about on these threads - Holy moly I dont want to go there!

[bb12]

Mine had a lot of very superficial friends. Heaps of facebook friends (about 1000) but all messages on FB went like this "Where have you disappeared to? Never hear from you anymore. Hope you're ok. Whatevs. See you around"
He had no friends longer than a year or so and used to talk (to me) about how frustrated he was with them
I am sure he neglected them when he was with me.
When my romantic relationship ended with my exBPD, I really wanted to stay friends but came to realise it was impossible. It requires a level of reciprocity and effort that he was not capable of. I felt neglected and that I was pushing for all of our catch ups. Nothing was initiated by him and I began to feel humiliated and needy. The moment he found a new romantic partner, I was discarded and painted black when I got angry about it.
I don't think they can be friends in any meaningful sense of the word. They are friendslite. Fine if you are not demanding of them or do not require a closeness they are uncomfortable with.
Oh, I also found that despite talking badly of their friends to me they would also talking glowingly about ex-partners or friends from a few years ago. Almost whistfully and nostalgically...
Bb12

[soul]

bb12: Indeed that pretty much sums it up. I did the same re friendship afterwards, but like you I began to feel needy and neglected. I would ask her to come over for some food. Before the last mouthful was finished she would be heading out of the door.

I don't think they can be friends in any meaningful sense of the word. They are  Fine if you are not demanding of them or do not require a closeness they are uncomfortable with.
Oh, I also found that despite talking badly of their friends to me they would also talking glowingly about ex-partners or friends from a few years ago. Almost whistfully and nostalgically...

I don't think they can be in a relationship in any meanighful sense of the word either, for all the same reasons. Well put.

best
Nick

[Inspirationneeded]

So, since the person in my life with BPD traits is was a friend, I was wondering if anyone would share about their pwBPD's friendships. Did they have friends? Did they move from friend to friend or group-of-friends to group-of-friends? Did they have any friends that they claimed started to stalk them? Did they ditch their friends once they started a relationship? Were their friendships close or superficial? How did they handle disagreements with friends? Was there triangulation (read definition) or pitting of one friend against another?

Okay. That's about all I can think of to ask now.  Thanks for letting me barrage you guys with questions!  

I would say most are more like acquaintances than friends.  There are only a handful of people that actually know of her (therapy, affair, moods of depression, etc).  She does move from group to group whenever she feels pressured by any one of the handful.  Never heard of any stalker stories or anything bad about previous friends or boyfriends.  Smear campaigns are one of the characteristics I've read about that she doesn't seem to partake in.      

Disagreements with friends, she just dissappears on you.  Start hanging out with one of the other groups or suddenly becoming deathly ill for a few days.  If an effort is made to reconnect, and you don't bring up anything from the disagreement things blow over and go back to being hunky-dory.

I have no real proof of it, just a gut feeling.  But I feel she does triangulate between her friends and boyfriends.   I wouldn't go as far as saying she ditches friends for a new relationship, but from her perspective they are two entirely different things that shouldn't be mixed.  While she is out with us friends all she does is complain about her beau when asked.  I'm sure the story just reverses when she is out with them.  Because in the few instances when everyone is together the BFs always seem to be overprotective control freaks that look down on us.

[NewStart]

Interesting question. 

My BPDexgf had only a handful of friends and always said that she had trouble finding 'healthy' female friendships but of course had many male friends many of them ex's.

What I found is that she gravitated towards people who would agree with her, followers.  What I mean by that is that when she was bahaving badly, triangulating (read definition) etc she wanted people she could get reasured by that this behavior was ok. 

So basically females who were long term single bar fly types and guys who were happy to go out with her, hit on her and of couse agree that 'oh yeah you're guy has a problem'

[abovebeyond]

My ex BPD gf had a few close girlfriends she was close too, but they had only known eachother for 2-6 years. No life long friends to speak of. And those she had from way back, she never kept in contact with.

The RS became her only friend, everything else was dead weight she'd toss over board. Taht's why they are so demanding and needy in RS - they need you to be EVERYTHING for them. And that is an exhausting task. I used to encourage her to do things with her friends, but she would NEVER do that with me. And if I did, there way always some guilt to be paid to her after. All things not in service to her (in some fashion) grinds something out of you later.

Fascinating to connect the dots when slowly peaking out of the fog, as i am starting to do now. But not out yet.

[MaybeSo]

Mostly entanglements with attractive needy, waify women. Or superficial male friends who considered him the life of the party. Or his younger employees. All can get idealized and then later devalued.  That's pretty much it.

[goinbonkers]

So, since the person in my life with BPD traits is was a friend, I was wondering if anyone would share about their pwBPD's friendships. Did they have friends? Did they move from friend to friend or group-of-friends to group-of-friends? Did they have any friends that they claimed started to stalk them? Did they ditch their friends once they started a relationship? Were their friendships close or superficial? How did they handle disagreements with friends? Was there triangulation (read definition) or pitting of one friend against another?

Okay. That's about all I can think of to ask now.  Thanks for letting me barrage you guys with questions!  

She had no friends.  Only superficial ones.  Period.

[redfeather]

Sadly as she pointed out one day She has no friends. None. I said what about all those Facebook friends? she said mostly people she met and wanted to sleep with her. That was alot of women.
Once I did meet a small group of her friends. I wish I could say they were eclectic, funny, witty and it was great to meet them but I aint one to lie.
A confederacy of dunces with many a personality disorder thrown in for good measure. Once I sussed out they were just about drama and chaos I shut up and excused myself early and left like my britches were on fire.  Hi!

[Mauser]

Mine had mostly friends that were either lifelong, or 10+ years. However, he did keep them a bit at arm's length, and he had control of the situation. His MO was to always visit them- traveling for childhood friends, or driving just a few blocks to other people's houses, or bars. Don't forget the bars.  

Anyway, he would be out almost every single night- sometimes seeing one friend 5x a week at their house for months. However, he rarely had anyone over to his house. Maybe once a month, if that.

I think he felt most comfortable being able to leave whenever he wanted if he got uncomfortable. He had a difficult time trying to kick someone out of his house.

However, he does have a female friend that he's extremely close to- usually. But that's the WTH kind of r/s I'm learning about now.  BFF's today, hate each other tomorrow, focusing on hobbies, getting drunk together, the occasional falling into bed by accident, calling each other crazy, that kind of thing. ;p  Before I learned about BPD, it was the strangest "friendship" I had ever seen. It was more like junior high girls getting mad and giving each other the silent treatment and then making up a week or month later.   I believe it was back to that whole emotional intimacy thing.

[RKV]

two pwBPD in my life. sister and ex.

sis: She seems to have really high hopes when a new friendship or relationship is developing. As a way to guilt me she would talk about how appreciative & nice these people were to her. I soon found out that "nice" to her just meant them giving into her childish whims at any given moment. Someone else in this thread mentioned their pwBPD surrounding themselves with "yes-men". Her idea of a conversation was that she would state something, make joke etc. and then the other person had to gush over how brilliant and funny she is.
If she states an opinion it should be regarded as gospel with the people around her and any basic disagreement is a vicious attack on her feelings and devaluing her as a person. The complete inability to have and adult conversation in which parties disagree makes most friendships short lived.
Very superficial friendships that she inevitably trash talked about. The more time she spent with them something would always come up that was irreconcilable. This was always something weird. The fact that everyone she met was such a bad friend and how she always had to pull the weight of relationships. She would probably complain to them constantly, then not listen to advice and complain again about the same situations. Eventually her friends would just start to avoid her, but of course it's never her fault. They're just being a bad friend. All of them.

She always brags about how many people she knows and how much fun she has...but then say about how "I'm not even myself around them" and "I don't have any friends". When we lived about 2.5 hours driving distance from each other I'd always end up getting drunken phones call at like 2 or 3am (who drunk dials their brother?) where she would ramble about how terrible she's being treated.

My ex was very odd in this respect. He had already alienated most people in his life and spent most time online in adult chat rooms. But the friends he did have the primary reason for ever talking to someone was to elicit pity. Always had to be the martyr. Coworkers, casual acquaintances, anyone who would listen. One thing I noticed was that a lot of "friends" were people he did drugs with or people with little money that he would buy things for to feel charitable.

One thing that stuck out as odd very early in the relationship was that he had never had another gay male as a platonic friend. Ever. He literally didn't believe me when I said I shared a hotel room on a road trip with 4 other gay men and none of us were physical in any way with each other. Or that I went to parties were the majority of people attending were LGBT and nothing sexual went on.  That should have told me something, but I didn't pay attention to the signs.

[Mauser]

dI'd always end up getting drunken phones call at like 2 or 3am (who drunk dials their brother?)

   

[Weird Fishes]

bf's ex/my ex coworker would befriend anyone who she a)thought was a threat to her rs with her now-ex, so she could keep tabs on them or b) was meek and vulnerable.  They would have an intense friendship of several months, the person would think she was so nice and generous and fun!...till one day out of the blue she would orchestrate an epic blowup and the person would stumble away dazed and never associate with her again.  There are eight or ten of my coworkers who went out like this.

If they were a high value person (in a position of power) she fervently kissed ass but maintained enough distance that they didn't see the crazy.

She seemed to have one recurring friend who is mildly autistic that keeps coming back...never met him but she would proudly detail at work how she abused him.  I just want to find him and be like THERE IS ANOTHER LIFE WHERE YOU CAN BE HAPPY SON

[goinbonkers]

If they were a high value person (in a position of power) she fervently kissed ass but maintained enough distance that they didn't see the crazy.

Mine too.  She is so blatantly brown nosing to people of power.  I used to even call her a butt kisser.  But unlike yours, her bosses would eventually see through her and then get rid of her in a nice way.  What they did was allowed her to resign, then gave her a glowing review just so they could get rid of her.  She went through three jobs that way.  Couldn't keep up with her work, bosses whip cracking had no affect, next thing you know they allow her to resign before she gets fired (so she can get unemployment).

[ViciousCycle]

Her friends were pretty much all fake, very slutty, btchy, and just not great influences all around. For awhile she stopped haanging out with them, which I was fine with and actually wanted, but I constantly encouraged her to try and meet new and good friends or to hang out more often with the good people she actuallly knew. What ended up happening was that she clinged to me and her best friend (who I can best describe as an insecure codependent, nice girll though) for a long time until she eventually started hanging out with her old friends again and that's when she got heavily into drinking and partying and her whole identity changed over the course of a month. Overall I can identify maybe two GOOD friends she had, the rest all were immature or had issues.

[HowPredictable]

His friendships?  Non-existent.   Literally, he had no real, lasting friends at all. (He is a Waif/Hermit type of BPD, so this is not surprising

When we first started dating, I was introduced to one fellow who was purportedly a "friend".   More than a year later, I realized that I never heard him talk about that friend again, let alone arrange to meet him or do something together.  

Turns out the friend had asked something about me, that exBPD did not like.  (He told me what it was, and it was a perfectly harmless, innocent question on the friend's part).  ExBPD told me he cut the friend out of his life right then and there.

At the time, I thought it was a weird, over-the-top act of some sort of "chivalry".   I didn't question it further.  

I now know it was an episode of Splitting, and painting the friend pure black.

ExBPD also has a good number of Facebook "friends", but these are not people he actually socialized with.  In fact, I remember that their messages to him were always of the "where are you?" "why haven't you been in touch?" "it's been so long, where have you been hiding?" variety.  

[Belka]

Thank you guys, so much, for the replies! Looks like no type of relationship is immune from the crazymaking.

It was really hard for me to feel like I had to just 'know' when we were supposed to be close friends and when I was supposed to drop off the face of the earth. When I accidentally behaved close to him when he didn't want it, he'd say I was being pushy and needy. When he wanted to be close, or have friend-time, I was a selfish jerk if i couldn't make time for him. Everything had to be exactly on his terms.

In an outward sense, I've let go of him. He's a frequent visitor to where I work, so 'no' contact isn't an option, but I've managed to arrange my work schedule so that I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. I have him blocked on social networking stuff. I have no idea what he's up to or if he's still with his girlfriend, but part of me still hopes that we could have a friendship once he breaks up with her and that now that I know a great deal about BPD. I'm having a hard time letting go of that idea and processing the fact that if he were to start another romantic relationship, the games would begin again.

[gettingoverit]

She did not have very many friends, and the one's she kept in regular contact with were not the most healthiest people out there. I guess birds of a feather applies in this situation.

[findingmyselfagain]

Almost zero friends. I chalked it up to her recently moving from out of state. But even there she had very few friends. I once asked her what happened and she told me "drama with the exH". Still, you'd think some of your true friends would've stuck around. She spent 99% of her time with me when we were dating. We hung out with her co-workers a few times, but that was the extent of her friendships. After we broke up, she re-friended her brother's exgf. I think just to keep from feeling lonely. She didn't really know my ex. She only had one long-term friend from when she was with her family as missionaries. I'm guessing she was pretty oblivious to who my ex really was, too, and was more of a yes-person.

My feelings is that her "friends" were mostly kept at a distance or agreed and supported her...didn't really know her. She painted her "best friend" black when she disagreed with my ex on circumcision. I remember her saying once that she THINKS she is my best friend. It sounded mean to me then...why didn't I realize I could end up the victim then? She'd usually dump people lightning fast off FB b/c of political comments, too.

I can't be angry with her, b/c I chose to be with her. She's a very damaged soul. I don't know that she'll ever be able to break the cycle. It's tragic that a human could be so damaged, but there's nothing we can or are required to do about it. It's life.

[ramble on]

Mine has not a single person she can call up and talk to as a friend. She has no one from before we met that she has kept in touch with either. She has tried a few times to cultivate a friend but it never lasts long. She starts to find something wrong with them and it just goes downhill from there. She really has no idea on how to develop and keep friends.

[bpdlover]

My ex had one friend/rescuer that I knew of. She lived away and upon moving back, they got together. Both seemed to have sordid stories between them of dysfunctional relationships with the guy always getting the blame. Nothing seemed to connect for long. There was the guy she kept hosting during our break ups that she referred to as a friend. Thing is, I'm not sure friends stay the night, just days after a break up or suddenly appear on the scene to take someone else's place. I believe that she will refer to her kids as friends at some stage. I find that sad.

[stillbreathing]

A couple of stories about "friends" but never actually saw or met one in our 3 years together.
She occaisonally had a like minded (cluster B) co-worker that she would sort of hang around with but they never lasted. She also had guys giving her supply at times but most of that was hidden from me until the end of the relationship

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