I can't take this anymore

[Think About It...]

I just found an old album of pics on facebook from when I first met my ex fiance wBPD. It was from when I took her to my mom and stepdad's 25th. It was at a ski resort and we had a room for the night. The album of pics had one of her in it fully dressed, smiling at me as I took the pic. Seeing that pic has set me back like you wouldn't believe. She is so beautiful in that pic. Perfect even. It took me back right to the moment of taking that pic, and how in love with her I was, and how in love with me she was, or so I thought. Im an absolute mess right now. I'm sobbing and crying and I'm consumed with thoughts of her. I want her back so bad. I keep thinking that maybe this is all my fault, if I just would have done something differently. I can't take this. I want to reach out to her so bad and hear her beautiful voice and tell her how much I love her.There was also an album from when we went apple picking with the kids in sept of 2010. We were so happy at that time. I was complete. I needed nothing else. I was ready to grow old with her. Now I'm here in this empty apartment, with memories of her and what we used to be. I can't stop putting her on a pedastal. That maybe if I had done something different. That maybe this is all my fault. I want to see her so badly. I want her here cuddling with me on the couch, routing the Rangers on in game 7. I hate this pain, this emptiness. I hate that she is ok and sleeeping with other men. I dont' know how to stop feeling this way. Please someone help...it's agony

[jjk0614]

I just found an old album of pics on facebook from when I first met my ex fiance wBPD. It was from when I took her to my mom and stepdad's 25th. It was at a ski resort and we had a room for the night. The album of pics had one of her in it fully dressed, smiling at me as I took the pic. Seeing that pic has set me back like you wouldn't believe. She is so beautiful in that pic. Perfect even. It took me back right to the moment of taking that pic, and how in love with her I was, and how in love with me she was, or so I thought. Im an absolute mess right now. I'm sobbing and crying and I'm consumed with thoughts of her. I want her back so bad. I keep thinking that maybe this is all my fault, if I just would have done something differently. I can't take this. I want to reach out to her so bad and hear her beautiful voice and tell her how much I love her.There was also an album from when we went apple picking with the kids in sept of 2010. We were so happy at that time. I was complete. I needed nothing else. I was ready to grow old with her. Now I'm here in this empty apartment, with memories of her and what we used to be. I can't stop putting her on a pedastal. That maybe if I had done something different. That maybe this is all my fault. I want to see her so badly. I want her here cuddling with me on the couch, routing the Rangers on in game 7. I hate this pain, this emptiness. I hate that she is ok and sleeeping with other men. I dont' know how to stop feeling this way. Please someone help...it's agony

[kapricious]

Going through the very same thing man.  It's brutal as hell.  I really don't know what the answers are, or if such answers even exist.  I think the only thing we can do is focus on moving on and reminding ourselves not of those few good times, but of how consistently the bad times prevailed.  I am pretty sure I have also been replaced and she doesn't have the slighest iota of care that she's completely devistated me, despite the fact that she was "so in love with me" and all of that crap.

You have to remind yourself these are barely people, man.  These people are monsters in human outfits, nothing more.  You deserve better and you will, in time, begin to heal.  The emptiness and all of that is simply a massacre for the mind though, I know

I wish I could offer better advice bro, but there really isn't anything that can be said beyond "it's time to put on your big boy pants and move on", I'm afraid.  If she's truly BPD, she doesn't have the *capacity* to care about you.  Everything you've said echo's my own feelings and my own situation.  Maybe the fact that you're not alone will give you some solace as well.

[C12P21]

Oh man, I feel your pain. I get how much it hurts.

It took me back right to the moment of taking that pic, and how in love with her I was, and how in love with me she was, or so I thought

.
What do you mean by or so you thought? You were in love with her and it is so difficult to realize that who you loved was a very complex, complicated person that is driven by a personality disorder. Remember that she projected on to you the better parts of who you are..she mirrored you and sometimes that mirroring, combined with beauty is such a shattering when their BPD shows up.

I hate that she is ok and sleeeping with other men.

You loved her and now you have discovered components of her that are heart breaking..something you would never have done to her because you felt loyalty toward her and passion.
Remember her issues are ones of engulfment and abandonment, the closer she felt to you, the more she had to push you away. Until she can face the disorder, her patterns will continue.

Im an absolute mess right now. I'm sobbing and crying and I'm consumed with thoughts of her. I want her back so bad. I keep thinking that maybe this is all my fault, if I just would have done something differently.

Many of us on this board has felt exactly the same way, experienced the same confusion and sadness. There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome once she was triggered. Her issue is the inability to grow in a mature relationship by being introspective, receptive, and open. Due to her stunted emotional development, she cannot bond to another person the way you have bonded to her..hence your pain.
How long have you been out of the relationship?
On this board or on the internet there are articles about abandonment trauma. I wish I had read these articles or the book when first going through my trauma of loss when my exnpdbf dumped me callously and fairly cruelly in a few minutes after three years. I loved him very much and was lost and desolate for along time. With understanding, grieving and time, my feelings have disappeared toward him and over time I began to see the  |> and how unhealthy our relationship was for me-but it doesn't mean I loved him any less..or didn't miss the experiences we once shared.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
Is there something you can do to take you out of your apartment for awhile? Maybe go for a walk, or to the gym? Do you have friends or family to turn to and talk? I leaned on people I loved during my loss..and although it didn't help the pain lessen, it did help to share the burden.
C

[jjk0614]

I am trying everything that everyone is suggesting. I try to stay busy but most if not all of my friends all are married with kids. I'm on my way to work. I'm a sobbing, crying mess. I do however go pick up my daughter today!. So I'm really happy to have her for the weekend. I will post more later. I don't know why I'm having such trouble with this. It just seems to be getting worse, not better. I want to move forward. I feel I have my big boy pants on , I really do, This is the hardest and worst pain I have ever felt. And it is lasting so much longer than any previous pain like this that I have felt. I will post more when I get to work. thank you all for being here for me. I love this site. It has helped so mcuh

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[OTB]

Hey jjk...sorry you are in pain    Have you thought about trying some medication to get you through the rough patch that you are experiencing now?  It truly helped me with the anxiety I was having over wanting to contact my ex.  It is just temporary. 

Hang in there buddy...it will get better (I know it is hard to imagine that and I was one of the doubters that thought it could get better).  It truly does.
OTB

[Neverknow]

I am trying everything that everyone is suggesting. I try to stay busy but most if not all of my friends all are married with kids. I'm on my way to work. I'm a sobbing, crying mess. I do however go pick up my daughter today!. So I'm really happy to have her for the weekend. I will post more later. I don't know why I'm having such trouble with this. It just seems to be getting worse, not better. I want to move forward. I feel I have my big boy pants on , I really do, This is the hardest and worst pain I have ever felt. And it is lasting so much longer than any previous pain like this that I have felt. I will post more when I get to work. thank you all for being here for me. I love this site. It has helped so mcuh

I'm glad you are picking up your daughter.  One of the ways I ease my pain with my stbx is concentrating every bit of my attention and thoughts to my kids.

They will always be your kids.  Enjoy the time with her.

[Happiest]

 

I know it hurts. The pain is intense. so much beauty gone out the window. She did love you, keep knowing that, but she is sick and your NOT safe with her. She will one day regret this but you may never hear her say that. and really...you need to be so far removed from her that even if she wanted to tell you , you wouldnt be there to let her.

Its the worst type of grief a person can endure. Nothing else is like it. Even a break up from a "normal, healthy " person isnt as hurtfull or as damaging as this journey. Even loosing a loved one in death doesnt feel this bad. Ive just spent hours with a T having it explained to me why it is what it is.

My best mentor professionally said "Its alright" , I asked back "when will it not be all right".
She said "when it isnt".
All I can say is REALLY embrase that pain and despair and cry buckets until theres not an ounce of energy left. Then sleep, then get up and do something amazing. Climb a mountain, watch a comedy, anything that has an impact (shave your head for charity) and feel the energy take hold, because your body and soul is starting to heal in that moment and get you ready for the next episode.

You know you can do this.When you next have a moment like this, go look at the crowds of people and pick a gorgeous lady to look at and tell yourself that your Ex was just a dot in the ocean and there is a whole world of "lovely loving women out there waiting for you when you are stronger and whole"

Good luck recovering mate. Your half way there now. xxx

[ellil]

I'm glad you are picking up your daughter.  One of the ways I ease my pain with my stbx is concentrating every bit of my attention and thoughts to my kids.
They will always be your kids.  Enjoy the time with her.

I can't second this one enough. Knowing I had my daughter to take care of and who relies on me for everything is the one thing that really kept me sane and moving forward (both in and after the r/s). Kids truly are the one "constant" we can count on while they are still dependent on us.

M

[Kizmet99]

Hi jjk - I would like to say that sometimes we are more in love with the "idea" of what we think the relationship is rather than the actual other person.  I have discovered that for myself.  If you take away all of the memories and the past and you just look at the person maybe you too will realize that what you thought was real was only your idea of what was real.  Sometimes if we step out of our own skin and look at it from another perspective - the truth is easier to see.

[jjk0614]

Honestly I have no idea what the truth is. I have no idea if she ever loved me. It sure felt real, really real, we were so intense, and so amazing for the first few months. I had already made the decision to marry her. I put a ring on her finger, asked her mom for permission and everything. Now I have been smeared as this crazy psycho that won't leave her alone. I don't understand how here mom and sis can see me that way. I was with her for 2.5 years. Lived together for 2 yrs. I supported her and her kids so she didn't have to work and could just focus on school...now her mom and sis think I'm some monster? I suppose that's because of the things she is saying about me or has said about me since I'm sure she is no longer talking about me at all. I miss her so much. It's not a good day today. I'm crying a lot. I just want her back. And I don't even have a way to get in touch with her. I can't do this.

[Happiest]

. I can't do this.

Yes you can. You already are. One tear and one breath at a time.
Believe this or not, you are actually processing acceptance and you should be proud of yourself for enduring the pain in anyway you can.
They say that the more tears you cry and the more intense the emotion, the quicker the healing is.
You would never what to go through this again and frankly - you will if you go back.

Just keep breathing - just keep focusing on being there for your daughter, and dont be ashamed of the emotion your having and the thoughts that are haunting you.
You will get there. - honest
 

[soul]

I have to say I am many months down the road, but I wouldn't look at a photo, maybe I never will. I figure one day I shall burn them on to a disk and get them to her somehow, maybe by post. I don't want to keep them because they are not real, she was not real, IT was not real.

best
nick

[Happiest]

relating to nick above.
I have asked family and friends to either get rid of photos with him in it, or if they cant put them away so I dont see them.

Tonight our favorite football team was playing. A client of his and a casual facebook friend of mine posted on facebook that "we" got great tickets and a photo of thier veiw. I knew instantly that it was the season tickets we got from his BIL from time to time. In the exact same seats we always sit in during the season. Thats confirmation to me that all my suspicions of him clearing the deck with me to chase her were true.

Because of that I reviewed all my "friends " list and deleted around 20 people that have a link to him, and that I know wouldnt think to be more sensitive. I figure, why go through more pain than I have to.

[jjk0614]

I am rarely on FB at all. As far as I know she doesn't use FB. She never liked it to begin with. Always thought I was cheating on her through FB somehow. She didn't understand why the president of my reunion committee for high school was a friend,she never understood why any girl from my high school was a friend. I hate FB, I truly hate my life right now. But I go get my daughter today right after work. I miss her so much, I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. I'm afraid that because I'm so depressed over my ex fiance wBPD, that its going to ruin my weekend with my daughter. I don't always have the strength to keep it together when my daughter is around. I won't look at those pics ever again, that's for sure. I have deleted all known pics of her, both from my FB and computer. I just can't do it. I can't remember those moments because the pain is so fresh. So I will cry, and try to embrace the crying, because honestly, nothing I do stops the damn crying anyway. Nothing at all stops it.

[leftylass]

. I can't do this.

Yes you can. You already are. One tear and one breath at a time.
Believe this or not, you are actually processing acceptance and you should be proud of yourself for enduring the pain in anyway you can.
They say that the more tears you cry and the more intense the emotion, the quicker the healing is.
You would never what to go through this again and frankly - you will if you go back.

Just keep breathing - just keep focusing on being there for your daughter, and dont be ashamed of the emotion your having and the thoughts that are haunting you.
You will get there. - honest
 

[leftylass]

JJ and Happiest
 its a rough road for us all, in short it hurts like the dickens. its been four days since I recd phone call that didnt want me to call. I have honored the request as difficult as it is to do tonot  talk to her, I will do so. however yr advise happy for all of us really resonates in that the more intense the pain the healing is quicker  and secondly I know yr right that If she calls me and I go back it will all recur same bat time n channel. I tell myself this intellectually ,yet like you JJ I miss my friend heartrenderly n terribly n feel mind numbing pain. Happy again thanks for insight
      Leftylass

[Happiest]

Happy again thanks for insight
      Leftylass

Np problem Leftylass. I'm right in there with you...but this is my 7th and last seperation. Ive done this before and I dont want to do it again so I'm going through with the pain and I'm going to make it easier on myself by disconnecting anything that slows the process for me.


JJ - I had help with some tissue salt therapy to pull me through the worst. - I'm am a qualified practitioner for the brand Schuesslers Tissue Salts so I am able to recommend these things..I really believe I made it easier this time by taking Magnesuim phosphate and Calcium phosphate before bed, and Pottassium Phosphate during the day. The are natual, organic and do not have any contraindications. They support the nerves and the mind without being addictive. Getting sleep is so important to help us through. Tears are great, they are the letting go process. The Potassium Phosphate helps with our stress and fears and nervousness. Try and find a therapist in your area that supplys them. In Oz you cant buy them over the counter, you have to have a therapist.
 

[jjk0614]

lefty, I am in the same exact pain. Actually in some ways being 2.5 months NC with my ex fiance wBPD, I am in worse pain that I was on day 4 like you are on. I feel for you man, the pain is by far the worst I have ever experienced. I do truly believe that losing a loved one to death does not hurt as much as this does. That may not make sense to most, but to all of us here on this board, it makes perfect sense. I'm trying to focus on my daughter right now. She will always love me, no matter what, and I need that right now. Hang in there lefty, everyone else keeps telling me that it gets better, and I'm trying to believe them. Just keep posting...posting helps me a lot. And whatever you do, try not to talk to her. I guess in a way, I'm lucky that my ex made it impossible for me to contact her. she changed her number, and her email...so the only way I have to reach out is either by regular mail or by going to her moms (where she lives now). Honestly, I've been to her moms twice, first time she talked, coldy, like ICE she was, told me she doesn't love me and she has been cheating, then slammed the door in my face. Second time I went there, she closed the door before I got out of the car and then never answered. Then her sis texted me saying that if I go again to the house, the cops will be called. This baffled me, we lived together for 2 yrs...she walks out on me out of the blue, and because I showed at her moms house to talk, twice in two weeks, all of a sudden I'm a stalker? That has to have the police called on? Really? Then I thought...hmmmm...when she would talk about every one of her past exes, they were all harrassers and stalkers...not sure which is true there but I believe the pattern is with her...not with me being a stalker. I need her out of my brain, she is poison and I want to be ok.

[NewStart]

All I have to say is ouch man... I wish with all my heart that I couldn't relate but I can all to well. 

I can't look at any pictures of my BPDexgf as she was in my eyes the most naturally beautiful woman in the world, yet like you one day I was the universe to her and her daughter and the next she was gone with another.  In those pictures we looked SO amazingly happy and like you my world finally made sense, I could be happy for the rest of my days... but now, I'm here?

Hang in there and know that here you have people who truely understand your pain.

Be well man,

NewStart

[oletimefeelin]

Families are going to side with their own, especially in public.  Don't take their responses personally.  Keep in mind, if she's a little there no doubt the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 

Stay away from memories.  You're the opposite of a hedonist at this point.  You're seeking out the pain at this point.

Whoever said embrace what you're feeling is right.  Part of what you're going through is knowing some day you're strong enough to get through the wave of bs that comes with one of these relationships ending. Feeling all the emotions will put you in a better place down the road. Don't overdo the xanax. 

I'm with you that a few months out was much worse than day 4.  At some point things will improve.  Do what you can to avoid doing more masochistic thing like looking at old photos.