I can't take this anymore

[Think About It...]

JK.  Gosh...I keep feeling your pain.  I was reading your posts and I can see how much effort you put in this r/s.  I too did the same.  I am a "fixer"...and in this case, I could not fix it.

So much work, so much compassion, so much love...and @ the end, it produced nothing for you...so you think.  But maybe it did.  Maybe the work had to be done so that you would learn that we are powerless over another human being.  Whether BPD, Bipolar, etc...it is not up to us to change them, and if we try, we will learn a tough lesson; you can't change anyone, you can only change yourself. 

Even your daughter cannot be changed.  Think about it, you may advise her, may guide her, show her love...but, at the end, she has free-will...you are powerless over her.  Leave it to God.  I am not traditionally religious, but this one phrase has lifted much weight off my shoulders.  All things in the universe have a cause and effect dynamic.  Your efforts have not gone unnoticed w' her, your presence in her life meant something...give it time, the positive effect you demonstrated in her life is bound to have a positive effect.  Regardless of how bad the break-up was, she will not forget the good of you.  Yes, she is repressing the good of you now because of BPD...let it go...on a clear day, she will remember your good spirit.  The "no pain, no gain" also applies.  You are constructively grieving, and I assure you that you will come out stronger than ever, and healthier than ever. 

Remember...let it go..and it will come back to you.  It maybe not what you want, but it will be what you need.

[Sailskier]

JK.  Gosh...I keep feeling your pain.  I was reading your posts and I can see how much effort you put in this r/s.  I too did the same.  I am a "fixer"...and in this case, I could not fix it.

So much work, so much compassion, so much love...and @ the end, it produced nothing for you...so you think.  But maybe it did.  Maybe the work had to be done so that you would learn that we are powerless over another human being.  Whether BPD, Bipolar, etc...it is not up to us to change them, and if we try, we will learn a tough lesson; you can't change anyone, you can only change yourself. 

Even your daughter cannot be changed.  Think about it, you may advise her, may guide her, show her love...but, at the end, she has free-will...you are powerless over her.  Leave it to God.  I am not traditionally religious, but this one phrase has lifted much weight off my shoulders.  All things in the universe have a cause and effect dynamic.  Your efforts have not gone unnoticed w' her, your presence in her life meant something...give it time, the positive effect you demonstrated in her life is bound to have a positive effect.  Regardless of how bad the break-up was, she will not forget the good of you.  Yes, she is repressing the good of you now because of BPD...let it go...on a clear day, she will remember your good spirit.  The "no pain, no gain" also applies.  You are constructively grieving, and I assure you that you will come out stronger than ever, and healthier than ever. 

Remember...let it go..and it will come back to you.  It maybe not what you want, but it will be what you need.

[jjk0614]

I try to stay away from things that I know are going to trigger a crying or sobbing episode. Honestly, I just came across this old photo album by mistake. I thought I had deleted them all. And of course once I realized what the album was, I had to look at all the pics. As far as my ex ever seeing the good in me again, I'm having a hard time believing that. She has always told me about her ability to just shut her emotions off. OUt of sight, out of mind. Do you think that this ability of hers can last forever or do you honestly think that someday she will look back and regret what she lost with me? I suppose once the pain gets bad enough for her again, and she no longer has me to hold her through her panic attacks she might just miss me. I dunno. I just know that I love her, and I miss her and her kids so terribly. It literally consumes every second of my day. And somehow I was able to get promoted at work while going through all of this. It's relatively slow here so I've been able to fly under the radar by being a zombie all day for the last two months. I'm a mess everyone. I'm consumed with thoughts of her and how beautiful she is, and how much I care for her, and just want to hold her face and gently kiss her and tell her...I love you angel. She was the only one I ever called angel...and I meant it...she was and still is my angel...and now she's gone...it's too much for me to handle. I'm crying now at my desk...I hate the pain I'm in...I really am trying to not seek out the pain

[WallyGator]

Try going back to her, that will cure it.  If you succeed in getting back with her, that will cure it.

I know that sounds harsh, but you already know the answer...you just need to prove it to yourself once and for all.

I feel your pain and tried going back one last time.  I tried doing the noble thing and seeing if we could work it out as she is now 8 months prego with our daughter.  Even after she stole from me, attacked me, triangulated me, and told me she wanted money for the child I went back to her.  I went back with hope and forgiveness for 3 weeks.  She took a big fat dump all over it, yet again. 

Dude, watching hope die is not a fun thing.  I understand and have empathy.  For me, that one last try did it. My tears are no longer of the longing variety--they are tears of relief.  I can now focus 100% on what I know is right--fighting for custody of my unborn little girl. 

[Sailskier]

She has always told me about her ability to just shut her emotions off. OUt of sight, out of mind. Do you think that this ability of hers can last forever or do you honestly think that someday she will look back and regret what she lost with me?

Yes...I believe that she will look back and regret it.  BPDs also carry the same emotions as nons, we are capable of regretting the bad decisions we make, for them, though, it takes longer, and they may never apologize or seek another round...but they will regret it.  She is disregulated...and you have become her target...once her anger calms down, she will remember the good of you.  Out of sight-out of mind is true, but once the memories of the bad dissipates, she will attain some clarity.  Mind you, she may never reach out to you again, but she will remember on her less BPD days.

I know this because of what I've experienced with my exBPDf, he painted his ex blacker than black...you would think that this other woman was the devil incarnated.  But, once he distanced himself, he would bring her up in some fond ways, which btw...unsettled me.

One foot in front of the other...keep looking ahead...way ahead...don't look down...just into the distance...you will get there.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[schwing]

Hi jjk0614,

I try to stay away from things that I know are going to trigger a crying or sobbing episode. Honestly, I just came across this old photo album by mistake. I thought I had deleted them all.

I would not necessarily go ahead and delete them all.  I believe there is a value to having them around for when you need them, if you can control your exposure to them.  There is nothing wrong with triggering a crying or sobbing episode.  In fact, I think this kind of release can still quite necessarily for the grieving process.  The key is to limit your exposure and to decide when and how often you are going to "visit" this "emotional grave" for you to continue with your grieving.  The long term goal is to get past it.  But I do not believe you can get past it by making yourself blind to it, nor can you rush the process either.  It will take time for you to fully accept your loss and integrate this loss with the rest of your psyche.

As far as my ex ever seeing the good in me again, I'm having a hard time believing that.

This may be difficult to accept but she "never" had the ability to "see the good in" you, at least not in a healthy, realized, non-disordered manner.  She only saw an "idealized" version of you, which divorced the bad from the good.  And then she would alternate between the idealized and the devalued.  If someone could only accept some qualities about you (good or bad) and not accept the other parts, would you say they truly loved you, or knew you?

She has always told me about her ability to just shut her emotions off. OUt of sight, out of mind.

People with BPD (pwBPD) have dysregulated emotions; that is, their emotions can get out of (their) control very easily.  Their ability to "shut off" their emotions, is not a conscious discipline, it is a disordered physiological process.  She calls it an "ability."  I call it a disordered self-defense mechanism.  This "ability" of hers is part of her personality disorder; it prevents her from being a whole person.

Do you think that this ability of hers can last forever or do you honestly think that someday she will look back and regret what she lost with me?

Do I think her disorder (you say, "ability") can last forever?  It will last as long as she chooses not to seek recovery.  And if/when she ever does choose to recover, she will have to look back and process what she has lost in her lifetime.  Sadly, I think the longer they live their lives avoiding these losses, the more reason they have to keep avoiding.

I suppose once the pain gets bad enough for her again, and she no longer has me to hold her through her panic attacks she might just miss me. I dunno.

She might likely find someone else to repeat her cycle with.  Someone who in the short term will "save" her.

I just know that I love her, and I miss her and her kids so terribly. It literally consumes every second of my day.

This is your grief.

And somehow I was able to get promoted at work while going through all of this. It's relatively slow here so I've been able to fly under the radar by being a zombie all day for the last two months. I'm a mess everyone.

Some people use work and stress to avoid facing their own personal issues (i.e., workaholics).  It is better when you remember to take care of yourself.

Honestly I have no idea what the truth is. I have no idea if she ever loved me. It sure felt real, really real, we were so intense, and so amazing for the first few months.

I think the truth is that she loved you as much as she could.  But her disorder limits how much she can express that love without it being consumed by her disordered feelings.  Unless she was recovered, she could not love you in a full, healthy, non-disordered way.

I had already made the decision to marry her. I put a ring on her finger, asked her mom for permission and everything. Now I have been smeared as this crazy psycho that won't leave her alone. I don't understand how here mom and sis can see me that way. I was with her for 2.5 years. Lived together for 2 yrs.

Her mom and sis has been with her for all her life.  It only took her 2.5 years to have you believe that she was a "perfect angel."  Don't you think she would have them believing much more?  If you were her mom or sis, which would be easier for you to accept: (1) that she keeps picking these guys who turn out to be real creeps, or (2) that she is in fact mentally disordered and has been most of her adult life?  They are far more attached to her than they are to you.  She will have made them choose between her or you; i.e., she didn't give them much of a choice.

I don't know why I'm having such trouble with this. It just seems to be getting worse, not better.

You might consider getting more help.  Even professional help.  People who grieve can sometimes find themselves in a really dark and undesirable place, if they avoid getting help when they need it.

I want to move forward. I feel I have my big boy pants on , I really do, This is the hardest and worst pain I have ever felt.

Unless you have a cricket-sized therapist in the pocket of your "big boy pants", I think that when one is going through the "hardest and worst pain" this warrants getting professional help.

And it is lasting so much longer than any previous pain like this that I have felt. I will post more when I get to work. thank you all for being here for me. I love this site. It has helped so mcuh

It is helpful to have a society of people who will listen and empathize with what you are going through.  But peer support does not replace the training and wisdom of a professionally trained therapist.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Beenreplaced]

jjk0614,

I am really sorry you are hurting right now but you need to calm down and take a deep breath.  We have all been were you are right now.  The pain is awful and consuming and you wonder if it will ever go away.  It does get better with time.  It was very tough getting up every day and going to work but I HAD to I have kids and I had to show them that their mother was not going to let someone tear me down.  Be strong for your daughter.  Would you really want her exposed to someone who could be so mean to you?  Would you want her to see that?  What effect would this woman have on your daughter?   Would you be setting your daughter up for the same type of relationship?  Think of the long-term effect this woman would have had on you and your daughter.  I thought of this a lot.  They showed just how mean they can be and how little empathy they feel for us.  It hurts to be abandoned without a thought but that is who they are and do you really want someone like that in your life?  If she left you once she can leave you again and then you have to do this all over again.  Please just enjoy your daughter.  She deserves to have all of your attention this weekend.

[Sailskier]

As far as my ex ever seeing the good in me again, I'm having a hard time believing that.

This may be difficult to accept but she "never" had the ability to "see the good in" you, at least not in a healthy, realized, non-disordered manner.  She only saw an "idealized" version of you, which divorced the bad from the good.  And then she would alternate between the idealized and the devalued.  If someone could only accept some qualities about you (good or bad) and not accept the other parts, would you say they truly loved you, or knew you?

Schwing, I'm not sure that I'm understanding it correctly.  Are you stating that BPDs can never see the good of their partners, ever?  I understand that they idealize us in the beginning, but does that mean that they don't acknowledge our true and good selves?  Since they split us in bad and good counterparts, aren't these counterparts the real "us", or are they imagining it all?  I'm hoping that I am making sense.

[schwing]

Schwing, I'm not sure that I'm understanding it correctly.  Are you stating that BPDs can never see the good of their partners, ever?  I understand that they idealize us in the beginning, but does that mean that they don't acknowledge our true and good selves?  Since they split us in bad and good counterparts, aren't these counterparts the real "us", or are they imagining it all?  I'm hoping that I am making sense.

No. That's not what I tried to communicate.  I think some pwBPD can be very perceptive and can see a lot of the good in us.  They do see the good in their partners.  My point is that when you only "see" people in such a selective manner, that this is a distorted picture.  When their feelings are positive, they "see" our good traits, but when they notice our "other" traits, this might make them feel differently about us.  For example, when they devalue us, they stop "seeing" our good traits; our good traits aren't in their mind to counterbalance whatever bad event just happened.  The end results is that we can never be certain how they feel about us at any time during the relationship (at least not for very long).  I think we only hope that their feelings about us are consistent; and in the end this proves not to be the case, as in their mind, they "never" truly loved us.

[Sailskier]

Schwing, I'm not sure that I'm understanding it correctly.  Are you stating that BPDs can never see the good of their partners, ever?  I understand that they idealize us in the beginning, but does that mean that they don't acknowledge our true and good selves?  Since they split us in bad and good counterparts, aren't these counterparts the real "us", or are they imagining it all?  I'm hoping that I am making sense.

No. That's not what I tried to communicate.  I think some pwBPD can be very perceptive and can see a lot of the good in us.  They do see the good in their partners.  My point is that when you only "see" people in such a selective manner, that this is a distorted picture.  When their feelings are positive, they "see" our good traits, but when they notice our "other" traits, this might make them feel differently about us.  For example, when they devalue us, they stop "seeing" our good traits; our good traits aren't in their mind to counterbalance whatever bad event just happened.  The end results is that we can never be certain how they feel about us at any time during the relationship (at least not for very long).  I think we only hope that their feelings about us are consistent; and in the end this proves not to be the case, as in their mind, they "never" truly loved us.

I understand, thank you...that is pretty much what I have experienced and believe. 

[jjk0614]

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I'm leaving work now to go get my daughter for the weekend. And as for going back to my ex...I do not have that option. Trust me everyone, I'm in enough pain that I would go back if I had the option. She changed her number, changed her email...and had her sis text me saying that if I ever show up at the house again they will call the cops...I only showed twice in the first two weeks...The second time with flowers in hand and she didn't even answer the door. But she got her sis to threaten the cops on me. We were together, living together for two years...and I show up twice in two weeks, is that stalking or harrassing? Please someone answer this for me...is that harrassing? We were together for 2.5 years for crying out loud...and she just abandoned me with no warning or regard for the financial burden she placed on me with this forsaken empty apartment that I have now...I hate my apt...I hate it so much...its so dark and lonely without her and the kids...so is showing up at her moms twice in 2 weeks really harrassing? She didn't even answer the second time I was there. I rang the bell, a couple of times...set the roses on the porch by the door and got in my car and drove home. Crying and sobbing. I hate this...I'm crying again...ok I'm leaving now to go get my daughter

[Happiest]

Quote from: jjk0614 on Today at 07:05:49 AM
I don't know why I'm having such trouble with this. It just seems to be getting worse, not better.

You might consider getting more help.  Even professional help.  People who grieve can sometimes find themselves in a really dark and undesirable place, if they avoid getting help when they need it.


Quote from: jjk0614 on Today at 07:05:49 AM
I want to move forward. I feel I have my big boy pants on , I really do, This is the hardest and worst pain I have ever felt.

Unless you have a cricket-sized therapist in the pocket of your "big boy pants", I think that when one is going through the "hardest and worst pain" this warrants getting professional help.


Quote from: jjk0614 on Today at 07:05:49 AM
And it is lasting so much longer than any previous pain like this that I have felt. I will post more when I get to work. thank you all for being here for me. I love this site. It has helped so mcuh


It is helpful to have a society of people who will listen and empathize with what you are going through.  But peer support does not replace the training and wisdom of a professionally trained therapist.

Best wishes, Schwing
 
 
 

This all is a very good idea. I was about to suggest this.
I honestly dont know what mind I would be in if it wasnt for my T. I dont see her now for a while because she has me on track working towards a goal. Nothing like a goal to keep your mind sane.  Bur Schwing , you are so on the button advising JJ to see a professional.

[jjk0614]

Ok I know that I have posted here many times that I am currently in Therapy. I see my therapist once a week and this all still sucks.

[Sailskier]

JJK.  I too  was in therapy...it wasn't really helping.  When speaking to my T, he stated that he didn't take on BPD patients because he "doesn't do well with them".  After a few sessions, I came to the understanding that my T wasn't well-equipped to deal with BPD trauma...not even for nons.  I moved on to a new T that was well experienced with BPD, and I did much better.  She was able to fully understand and address my emotions.

I'm hoping that your T is well versed in BPD.

[Happiest]

Ok I know that I have posted here many times that I am currently in Therapy. I see my therapist once a week and this all still sucks.

Sorry JJ, I didnt realise that you were. - missed it completly. My goof.
all I can say is, were here reading and feeling for you. xxx

[C12P21]

Hey,
Please keep posting and be patient with yourself, you are going through the darkest part but it does get better..promise.
You are doing the hard work of healing and it takes tears and time.
Hang in there.
 
C

[jjk0614]

I'm sorry my last reply was a little short and somewhat frustrated. I didn't mean to be like towards anyone on here. Honestly you all have saved my life. I'm still not ok by any means at all but if it wasn't for this board I don't know where I would be, but it would be much worse. Today is such a bad day already. Last night on the way home from getting my daughter, I got a flat tire. The tires are new and have a road hazzard warranty so I had to bring it over to Pep Boys this morning. It's not far but its' going to take a couple of hours. So my daughter and I had to walk back to my apartment. So the first thing I thought of is that My exfiance wBPD is supposed to be here, so she can pick us up and take us back home. I'm already a mess. My daughter is here and I'm a crying sobbing mess. I start a new T next week because I wasn't clicking with the first one. I started therapy about a month after my ex left me on my head. I did chose a Therapist that works with BPD so hopefully this will be better for me. I just don't know how to get through the day without crying. It's so unfair to my daughter that I can't keep it together for her

[Happiest]

Seriously feeling for you. I'm trying to get imprtant paper work done ready for the SS on Monday and cant concentrate.

Kali Phos homeopathic remedy is a great calming help. Its natural and really good for this sort of thing.. Not a drug as such. It will help you get through times with your daughter in tow.'

 

weird isnt it, what universe chucks at you when your down already. Its like kicking your toe, when your already on one crutch from a broken foot. Just not on  ?

[C12P21]

My exfiance wBPD is supposed to be here, so she can pick us up and take us back home.

Yes, there are moments when you miss their support their help, the kind of actions people do in r/s. Your losses kind of pile up as they occur,   and the only thing you can do is keep going. And you are. You got your girl home. 

I just don't know how to get through the day without crying

You might not be able to because sometimes grief is powerful. Is there any distractions you might be able to do with her? I used to take my son to playgrounds or swimming, I was going through the motions but it was a temporary reprieve.
When you cry or are upset, you might want to let your daughter know that right now you are sad, and it isn't her fault and reassure her. Let her know that even though right now you are sad, eventually you will no longer be sad, or crying and that you are okay and she is, too. She will learn from you that  when emotions are powerful - its okay to have them because we learn to handle them. And she won't have to grow up cutting them off or pretending not to have them or running from relationships because YOU taught her through example that vulnerability, grief, loss, and love are all part of the human experience.   
And you are handling them, you are doing the right things, T, writing about your feelings, reading..these are all healthy steps of a whole person. 
Be gentle with you.
C

[Happiest]

the above was put so lovingly...i really loved reading it

[jjk0614]

I don't feel anywhere close to a whole person. I'm so codependant, I hate it. I can barely function. My daughter comes every other weekend and she cleans the house and does the laundry because I just can't do it. I don't know how to live on my own. I hate being alone, I hate it. I can't afford this apartment on my own and I feel like I'm drowning. Im a recovering addict that is 6 yrs sober now and I honestly want to just go back to using. I dont know if I can do this. I'm not strong enough. I feel awful inside, like this emptiness that gets blacker and darker. I feel like I need to crawl out of my skin. I'm totally consumed with thoughts and memories of the good parts of my ex with BPD. I love her so much. I love my angel and she could care less if I live or die. She probably doesn't even think of me at all. And God I miss her kids. I loved them both as my own. Her daughter's dad is locked up and so I"m all her daughter had. Then one day she just takes me out of her daughter's life, in an instant, God I worry about her kids and what they are learning. I thought I was gonna be the one to keep it all together. The knight in shining armor