How do I date normal men?

[Think About It...]

Hi,

There are lots of normal men out there. Sadly there are lots of jerks and waste of time people and of course those with a PD.

I am a male. Having had a BPD RS and moved on, I had every boundariey I could think of up. Every red flag alert in place , every bomb sniffer out. All good.

We let ourselves sadly be taken to places by not being alert last time and posssibly more than once in the past.

This said, if the relationship develops into a push pull thing, or they stop calling ... there usually is a reason and its not good enough when you have been seeing each other for months then for them to stop for a week or a few days.

Normal people dont call 5 times a day ... then again if its the right one you may spend hours on the phone each day.

Dont read too much into anything.

personally found something beautiful and out of the blue ... and its been a little over 12 months now all good.

Used something as a roadmap to ground me after so many unhealthy relationships in the past, only one BPD partner but some friends I suspect with PD's and a Mother with BPD.


Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
http://www.BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

When building a house if the foundations are rubbish it will fall down possibly straight away. I checked besides the physical attraction, interests ... and all the great things ... I got ticks in all of these before too long. Also goes without saying lots of rules I now have for myself and what will not be tolerated, abuse, violence ect ect.

All of it good,

If someone is into you and respects you and wants a future with you they will treat you accordingly. We all have the right to be treated with love patience kindness passion and also to expect our partners to receive the same back.

Maybe this helps ? Maybe not. but the questions when i asked them of my BPD RS the score on my ex's part was not good but still i endured.


Take care

[truly amazed]

Hi,

There are lots of normal men out there. Sadly there are lots of jerks and waste of time people and of course those with a PD.

I am a male. Having had a BPD RS and moved on, I had every boundariey I could think of up. Every red flag alert in place , every bomb sniffer out. All good.

We let ourselves sadly be taken to places by not being alert last time and posssibly more than once in the past.

This said, if the relationship develops into a push pull thing, or they stop calling ... there usually is a reason and its not good enough when you have been seeing each other for months then for them to stop for a week or a few days.

Normal people dont call 5 times a day ... then again if its the right one you may spend hours on the phone each day.

Dont read too much into anything.

personally found something beautiful and out of the blue ... and its been a little over 12 months now all good.

Used something as a roadmap to ground me after so many unhealthy relationships in the past, only one BPD partner but some friends I suspect with PD's and a Mother with BPD.


Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
http://www.BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

When building a house if the foundations are rubbish it will fall down possibly straight away. I checked besides the physical attraction, interests ... and all the great things ... I got ticks in all of these before too long. Also goes without saying lots of rules I now have for myself and what will not be tolerated, abuse, violence ect ect.

All of it good,

If someone is into you and respects you and wants a future with you they will treat you accordingly. We all have the right to be treated with love patience kindness passion and also to expect our partners to receive the same back.

Maybe this helps ? Maybe not. but the questions when i asked them of my BPD RS the score on my ex's part was not good but still i endured.


Take care

[~C]

Hi Sunflower
 Hi!

Normal people don't test and pull away and do all the things discussed here. They just don't.

PDrUs thanks.  I needed to remember this.

Exactly.  In normal relationships, there is no game-playing.  There is open and honest communication of desires and needs.  TWO-WAY communication. 

Boandaries are normal.  Mind games are not. 

[hijodeganas]

I do recall a pulling away event with a girl I dated for about 4 months after my rs ended with my BPD of 20 years. She was the one doing the pulling away and she kept sucking me in, then pulling away and always testing the rs. I panicked and started making professions of love and over the top commitments in an attempt to appease her unrealistic claims against the rs. After 4 months of this and talks with my T we were pretty certain I had fallen into another BPD rs and I was a relief when she texted me we were done one day. What a loon.

Normal people don't test and pull away and do all the things discussed here. They just don't.

I'm gonna disagree with you here.  I'm a normal person, and I "test."  I test in the sense that SunflowerFields expressed: I don't set up elaborate, deliberately created challenges or hoops for women to run through, but I have filters: there are certain things I want and certain things I do not want to tolerate from a woman, and I have my ways of discovering those things.  And yes, I am normal.

As for pulling away... I may agree there.

[hijodeganas]

Hi Sunflower
 Hi!

Normal people don't test and pull away and do all the things discussed here. They just don't.

PDrUs thanks.  I needed to remember this.

Exactly.  In normal relationships, there is no game-playing.  There is open and honest communication of desires and needs.  TWO-WAY communication. 

Boandaries are normal.  Mind games are not. 

Disagree again.  Open and honest communication is for people who finally trust each other.  I would say that much trust right off the bat is actually ABNORMAL.

[hijodeganas]

Want2know,

Excellent points and distinctions.  In the beginning, before a relationship begins, if someone doesn't call or text or make a date to see me...then why would I want to be with him?  If he doesn't respect me enough to be attentive and considerate...next! Maybe he isn't interested.  I'm ok with that...I don't want someone who doesn't want me. 

Once we are in a relationship, and he has proven his trustworthiness, and he doesn't call?  No problem.  Other than possible concern, depending on the circumstances, why panic.  We wouldn't be in a relationship unless he has proven to me, through consistent words and actions, through kindness and thoughtfulness, through mutual love and respect. that he will absolutely stay in touch with me when he can. 

The crazy thing about insecurities is that they are usually based on a false assumptions or beliefs.  No one can make us feel a certain way.  This is our job.

Interesting.  I'm almost the polar opposite: If someone doesn't contact me right after a date before we've established a r/s, no problem.  They have no obligation to do so; we're both free, single entities and I have no expectations in that regard.

However, if I am in a r/s with someone, I would expect it.  If we are not making an effort to communicate with each other, what's the point?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[goinbonkers]

I really do not see how anyone can help from such a statement as normal is quite the ambiguous word.  Normal to one person or even thousands may not necessarily be your normal.  I feel it would be better to 1) Find out what you want in a man (realistically), and 2) Then go find him.

Find out what you want.  

Start picking the men you want instead of only letting them pick you.  

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I disagree about using sex and waiting. I don't think it makes any difference one way or the other. The quality of the relationship is based on the people that are in it and how honestly they communicate at every stage regardless of when it happens.

The woman I am with today enjoys sex every bit or more than I do. We communicate well and are honest with each other. She was relatively new to the dating world when I met her and she thought it had to be a game. I communicated and behave that it was destructive to behave that way and I wouldn't do it with a friend or family so why would I do it with some one I was having sex with because sex is so available.

She agreed and realized that any dating game would only push me away and I would move on to someone who didn't need to play a game to see who was in control. Being needy and communicating honestly are two different behaviors. I like the honest communication then both parties can decide what they want to do as individuals and if it works for both then you are possibly on to something.