Why the silent treatment?

[Think About It...]

I apologized for my part...I was sincere.

Why do I continue to get the silent treatment? Shouldnt my apology have been enough, isnt that what they hold out for?

What is the expectation from my BPD? Call again, and again...chase her? beg her?

What are they thinking?

[lacole]

I apologized for my part...I was sincere.

Why do I continue to get the silent treatment? Shouldnt my apology have been enough, isnt that what they hold out for?

What is the expectation from my BPD? Call again, and again...chase her? beg her?

What are they thinking?

[hithere]

Are you living apart?  Maybe they are trying to recycle an ex right now?

[flatspin]

At times, I apologize for so many things and am blamed for so many reasons that I don't even remember why she was mad at me in the first place...

And... on two or three occasions in the past... she told me that she was angry because one of her kids had been really bad and she needed to vent...

Go figure !

[purelove]

Wow, I am in the same place right now! But, Not apologizing! I did absoluting nothing to apologize for. and its getting worse by the min. first time ever she has painted me all black. Not only the silent treatment, but shutting me out of all communication avenues, even though I am not trying to use them. Take care of yourself first! That is what everybody here has told me, and I a begining to see why! Take care of your self!

[lacole]

Well, I did apologize as I felt like I was partly at fault about some things and I did apologize without any expectations...

But...how cruel to no even acknowledge someones apology? Even if I didnt agree with someone calling, leaving a message of apology, I would have let them know I recieved it and it didnt fall on deaf ears...

I wont apologize again. I just wonder what it is they want from us?

[flatspin]

Well, just my limited personal opinion :

At times, when I apologize to her, it's as if I had spoken to a wall, as if I had said nothing.

She just keeps saying that I don't listen to her or that I keep contradicting her feelings. Hence, at times, I think that she doesn't care about apologies, that she needs something else but I don't know what.

I keep saying that I'm sorry, that I have understood what she means, that I never meant to say so, that I'm making efforts to do things the way she wants, that her fears are definitely legitimate and that I'll tackle the problem as soon as possible, etc.

To no avail !

I spend my time apologizing and at times, as I said above, I don't even know why I'm apologizing or not anymore...

[lacole]

So what do they "hear' when you apologize?

Just words? or does it ever really mean anything to them?

[hithere]

They just get validated when you apologize, so now they KNOW it is your fault and not them.

[isilme]

Your words, be they apologies or explanations, can't do anything to help them get over their emotions, and often, I think, still sound invalidating to a pwBPD ("Oh, so NOW you're sorry.  So what?  I'm supposed to just feel better now?").

They can't 'get over' bad feelings.  Their feelings are disordered, and once the train has started (an argument has happened, a rage started), it's got to run its course.  For a "Non", hearinf a sincere apology can go a long way to helping hurt feelings.  Hearing a logical argument about the source of a misunderstanding can also help.  It's not like that for a pwBPD, and to them you diliberately hurt them, triggered all their nasty, deep down rage, hurt and anger, and if you REALLY cared, you'd never "make" them feel that way.  Ever.  And since their feelings = facts, they really do feel justified in whatever was said or done in anger.  

It's a childish response, but the silent treatment is still a stage of rage.  Just because your SO is not screaming, yelling or being physical does not mean there are not feelings of rage.  And until that rage has passed, you are going to either be overtly abuse by names, yelling, what have you, or silently neglected and ignored, which is another form of abuse.  Apologies don't mean much to a person still trying to decide if you are the cause of all their pain and suffering or not.  And she does not know any other way to deal with things.  Yay, BPD.  

So instead of calling a person who is still fuming and angry, continue to take your break.  Wait for her to call you.  And until then, be busy.  Do things you've been meaning to do.  Call up a friend and see a movie.  

[lacole]

Hithere...interesting you say that...

In knowing that, when I left the message I specifically said "Im sorry for my part in all this"...

To anyone else I would not have split hairs like that...but in her case I did...I assumed she would hear that and know that I was only partially responsible.

Guess not.

[lacole]

isilme...

Your post reminded me of something..in the past, she has said exactly what your suggesting..."just because you are ready to move forward, doesnt mean I am"...

I do need to just try and forget it and stay busy...you know, it seems she gets more upset when Im busy living and not thinking about her or chasing her?

If she wants nothing to do with me, then why does she care that Im "living"...?

[flatspin]

Your words, be they apologies or explanations, can't do anything to help them get over their emotions, and often, I think, still sound invalidating to a pwBPD ("Oh, so NOW you're sorry.  So what?  I'm supposed to just feel better now?").

They can't 'get over' bad feelings.  Their feelings are disordered, and once the train has started (an argument has happened, a rage started), it's got to run its course.  For a "Non", hearinf a sincere apology can go a long way to helping hurt feelings.  Hearing a logical argument about the source of a misunderstanding can also help.  It's not like that for a pwBPD, and to them you diliberately hurt them, triggered all their nasty, deep down rage, hurt and anger, and if you REALLY cared, you'd never "make" them feel that way.  Ever.  And since their feelings = facts, they really do feel justified in whatever was said or done in anger.  

It's a childish response, but the silent treatment is still a stage of rage.  Just because your SO is not screaming, yelling or being physical does not mean there are not feelings of rage.  And until that rage has passed, you are going to either be overtly abuse by names, yelling, what have you, or silently neglected and ignored, which is another form of abuse.  Apologies don't mean much to a person still trying to decide if you are the cause of all their pain and suffering or not.  And she does not know any other way to deal with things.  Yay, BPD.  

So instead of calling a person who is still fuming and angry, continue to take your break.  Wait for her to call you.  And until then, be busy.  Do things you've been meaning to do.  Call up a friend and see a movie.  

Thanks for this ! I needed it today...

[lacole]

So...as mentioned in an earlier post, I had called and apologized for my part. Told her we should just move forward and hope to be at a better place, etc...

This was on 4/19. So this past Friday night, I get a text back from her that simply says  " I got your message, hope your good"...

I certainly didnt expect an apology back from her. What does that mean?

[isilme]

It means she's past the last rage, and ready to be friends again.  She's pulling, now, instead of pushing in her push/pull portion of BPD behavior.  She needed to push you away while 'everything' was your fault.  Now, worried you may have been pushed too far, she is trying to pull on you, to keep you from leaving her for good. 

[lacole]

So whats next? My move? Is that how this played?

[hithere]

Is that how this played?

I hate to tell you this but a non will never win any of these mind games against a pwBPD...

You can't win because they change the rules and reality within their own minds to suit themselves.

You might feel like you get some traction in this game but then they will blind-side you out of nowhere.

[lacole]

I def know what you mean...

In the past, I have found myself second guessing everything I said and did...just when I thought I figured it out..bam, something would change. I would try and act/say what I thought she expected or wanted, but learned that there was no way to ever know what that exactly was...

I did see her Saturday while I was out running..she was sitting in her car waiting for a sports event to begin..I ran by, tapped on her window and waved. I didnt stop to see if I would get a response out of her, I just kept running. I began to think, should I have stopped and chatted? Was just a quick wave Hi ok?

Here I am, second guessing myself again...I wouldnt have made her happy either way, so I guess what I did has to be ok. 

[CodependentHusband]

I used to drive myself crazy with the same kinds of things... My dBPDw would say she wants things THIS way, so, I'd do things like this, only later to hear her say she wants things THAT way... did THAT... same results. Finally, I realized that what she was feeling at any particular time was her reality.

So, what do I do? I apologize when I feel I was in the wrong, and I very rarely get so much as an acknowledgement for my apologies. PDQuick once told me that he expwBPD asked him, "Why can't you just let me be mad at you for a while?" It reminded me that my wife had said the exact same thing to me one time. So, guess what... I let her take her time to be mad at me, give her some space and stop trying to control her emotions... things are better. Yes, it's not the way I'd like for things to be. I WANT my wife to be happy 24/7, but that's not within my control.

If she wants nothing to do with me, then why does she care that Im "living"...?

I used to think the same thing... Here is what I have noticed. If she's mad at me, and I totally disconnect for self-preservation and in hopes that she will get over it sooner, it seems to make her feel like I don't care if I truly am having a good time while she is so mad at me... As an example, we were all set one night to have dinner with a married couple (friends of mine) from out of town. My dBPDw and I got into an argument over something stupid and she ended up not going. I wasn;t going to leave my friends from out of town hanging, so, I went on to meet them without my wife. That was the right thing to do; however, when my wife asked me if I had a great time, I told her the truth 100%. "I had a great time! It was so nice to catch up with them after not having seen them in almost a year! They were disappointed that they didn't get to see you and send their best regards." Well, me telling her this seemed to send a message to her that I had no regard for her feelings, even though that was not the case. I wanted her to be there with us! Since that incident, I have found that if I tone down my excitement about things I do without her when she is mad at me, she gets over it quicker. I don't wallow with her, but I also don't rub it in that life goes on. I don't consider this walking on egg shells as much as just a subtle way to not invalidate her feelings. A response more like, "I was glad to see them, but was disappointed that I didn't have you by my side" would have likely made things as good as they could be under the circumstances.

Not sure is any of this helps. It's just what I have found to be effective in my relationship. The main thing is, we can't control them, we have to look after ourselves and try to do it in a way that isn't to the pwBPD's detriment.

[cataclysm]

I sometimes get the feeling my (probably ex-)gf gives me the silent treatment and goes nc because she's actually ashamed of the things she's said and done, and doesn't dare to look me in the eye unless she's certain I'm not going to blame her for anything. Although I might presume to much comprehension on her part. At least to me it seems as if she's running away from herself, rather than still being mad at me.

[lacole]

Now I did call her back yesterday, to say Hello etc...I left a message.
Of course I dont expect to hear anything back as that would be so unlike her, at least nothing back soon...

My question is...is the delay in returning texts/messages part of the push/pull with
BPD? Do they do this to keep the control, keep you waiting? Hoping you will chase them?

What is the rationalization/understanding here?

[CodependentHusband]

lacole,
    I really don't know. I wish I did. Things with my wife on the whole have improved dramatically in the past couple of weeks, including more affection from her, more empathy from her, etc. I've been giving her a lot more space, but I haven't stopped 100%. I send her 1 or 2 texts a day while we are both at work. Of course, I know that it takes minimal effort on her part to send a quick reply when she gets a text, but for some reason she she often doesn't. I don't let it bother me, because it's so obvious that things are just fine.

Maybe it is a control thing. From my viewpoint, her motivations don't matter much in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to tell her I was thiking about her... she gets the message... any reply from her is optional. I like it when I hear back from her, otherwise I just wait to see her when I get home. I have to rely on my own confidence here.