How soon after the last break up did your ex-BPD get engaged/married?

[Think About It...]

Just curious. My exBPD-gf, who I was engaged to, is now engaged two months after our split - complete with facebook tackyness with photos, relationship status, and all the rest.

Even her close friends are now starting to see she is crazy.

[abovebeyond]

Just curious. My exBPD-gf, who I was engaged to, is now engaged two months after our split - complete with facebook tackyness with photos, relationship status, and all the rest.

Even her close friends are now starting to see she is crazy.

[hithere]

I thought mine would be engaged within 2 months but 9 weeks so far and she is still trying to recycle me.  I wish she would start with someone new, it would make it easier for me to let go.

[GreenMango]

Abovebeyond,

It must be painful seeing her engaged two months later.  It can create some questionable questions in us.

I know it's hard to not take it personally or that it speaks to something wrong or unworthy in you.  It doesn't.  It speaks very clearly of her:

1. Possibly operating under the guise "nothing gets you over the last one like the next one."  This is very unhealthy and speaks very clearly of someone's fleeting emotions and neediness.  
2. Emotional immaturity and lack of good judgement.
3. Her credibility and impulsiveness.
4. BPD cycle of idealization.  This doesn't just go away if she perceives she found the "perfect" mate and decides to marry quickly.  Eventually with any marriage "real life" with come into play after the honeymoon and this is a startling reality for those that suffer with BPD.  What eventually goes up must come down...except with BPD this is invariably a severe and destructive swing.

Hang in there.

-GM

[Mauser]

I have no idea where he's at right now (and that's okay). But during our r/s, at one point, he got engaged to his female bff.  We broke up one day (I just can't be in a r/s, I'm broken, of COURSE I would be with you if I could, blah blah blah). I believe she initiated intimacy the next day, and within 3 weeks they were engaged. That lasted about 2 months, and then he came crawling back with flowers and a ring for me, and totally despised her.  And yeah, now that we aren't together any more, he's back with her in his life... although on what level, I don't know. And I don't care. But he triangulated the two of us for 7 years.

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[abovebeyond]

Thanks for the advice, GreenMango. And you're absolutely right. It's horrendous to process the recent events. And she's been exploiting them all on FB week to week. I get a little better than I get word from a friend that she's in a relationship, then engaged, now setting a date. Each event turns the knife a little more, but I'm getting better. I take a two steps back, then go 3 forward.

And yes, it does make you extremely critically in yourself. What is wrong with me? They devalue the crap out of you. Like, what did i do WRONG? And all of that stuff. Guilty of it.

I know she's got a mental illness, but i also know she is NUTS...and I have to keep reminding myself of that EVERYDAY in order to get through the week.

"She's nuts, she's nuts," is my daily mantra.

And I have to  remind myself that this guy will get the same rollercoaster as me, even though all the fanfare they are projecting makes me feel like I did something wrong. And yes, they are claiming to be "soulmates" and that this is the perfect match. What a haunting, guilty ridden thing to have to experience.

Deep breathes. Sigh. And then a WTH?


Who else out there?

[gettingoverit]

My ex and now ex-friend were already talking about exchanging rings within a couple of weeks. They unofficially got engaged two weeks after my ex and I split, but did not announce their engagement until 6 months later. . I guess they figured it looked too bad to the outside world if people knew the truth. What does that tell you? Wow...and to think I was seriously considering marrying this woman! 

[Zaza42]

Getting overit- not to mention your ex friend doing that! They deserve eachother!

My ex got into a relatiOnship publicly after a few weeks. Who knows how long that was going on before hand though. He was trying to reel me in and recycle- one day I just cut him off, NC. No warning, no fight, just poof- I felt like it was no less than he deserved and I disappeared- just got on a plane and left my world behind. My gut told me there were lies and someone else in play.

Marriage? I'm sure, but nothing I can find out about. He's been with the same girl for a few years.

[Mystic]

Mine got married less than 9 months after our split.  He went from a live in "committed" relationship with the woman before me (who he claims he'd wanted to be married to but couldn't as she was married to someone else still), to a live in "committed" relationship with me.  He'd asked me to marry him daily in the early months.  I wanted to wait and we'd set a date within reasonable time.  He left me and was married within nine months to someone he supposedly met on the internet, flew to Europe and married having never met before, and then brought her back here to the states.  I told my friend who told me I wanted to hear nothing more (really didn't care) and I haven't heard anything since. 

So he had 3 live-in committed/marital relationships in less than 2 years.  I of course, was the love of his life.  I imagine the others were too.  Given his age (50), I have to wonder just how many of those relationships there were now. 

Everyone I know who knew him/us thinks he's a bucket of nuts.  I do too.  Just wish I'd seen/allowed myself to see through the facade before I got burned. 

[Mystic]

Abovebeyond,

It must be painful seeing her engaged two months later.  It can create some questionable questions in us.

I know it's hard to not take it personally or that it speaks to something wrong or unworthy in you.  It doesn't.  It speaks very clearly of her:

1. Possibly operating under the guise "nothing gets you over the last one like the next one."  This is very unhealthy and speaks very clearly of someone's fleeting emotions and neediness.  
2. Emotional immaturity and lack of good judgement.
3. Her credibility and impulsiveness.
4. BPD cycle of idealization.  This doesn't just go away if she perceives she found the "perfect" mate and decides to marry quickly.  Eventually with any marriage "real life" with come into play after the honeymoon and this is a startling reality for those that suffer with BPD.  What eventually goes up must come down...except with BPD this is invariably a severe and destructive swing.

Hang in there.

-GM

^^^^ This ^^^^ Exactly. 

[nylonsquid]

Aboveandbeyond-

That must be extremely difficult and I'm sorry you had to go through all this. How long were you together for? Did you go through recycles?

My exuBPDgf didn't paint me black though she was critical of me, I can tell she was struggling with conflicting feelings when she was dumping me. All she knew for sure is she felt terrible and something had to be done. It took her a few weeks before jumping to another relationship. That died out very quickly. I don't think it lasted more than 2 months. Now she's opening communication with me again, I'm sure to see my availability and to recycle.

[hijodeganas]

Just curious. My exBPD-gf, who I was engaged to, is now engaged two months after our split - complete with facebook tackyness with photos, relationship status, and all the rest.

Even her close friends are now starting to see she is crazy.

Mine did not, but I had a friend who was seeing a girl for over a year who had BPD traits.  He dumped her and less than 3 months later someone came by the bar where he works (he's the owner) and announced the news that his ex was engaged already.  He was befuddled, to say the least.

[OneTrickPony]

Just curious. My exBPD-gf, who I was engaged to, is now engaged two months after our split - complete with facebook tackyness with photos, relationship status, and all the rest.

Even her close friends are now starting to see she is crazy.

AB,

This is typical behavior. Mine was not only "engaged," but pregnant within a month to some loser who walked
off and left her knocked up. Of course, she had a convenient "miscarriage." Now, she's recycling HIM after he told her that he wasn't sure the baby was his.

So, not only are they unstable, but, some of them are just plain old stupid, too.

Chalk it up as a bullet which you dodged...integrate that...and go have some fun.

OTP

[FriedaB]

2   days   *ding*  I  win.  .

[Zaza42]

Two days? Details? I demand it!

[FriedaB]

The  replacement  was  groomed  for  2  weeks  before  I  was  shown  the  door...you  know  how  the  story  goes...they  are  like  hungry  spiders  sizing  up  their  prey...that  one  was  dumped  5  months  later  when  pwBPD  got  engaged  to  therapist  at  sober  house  where  she  was  court  ordered...3   months  after  that  therapist  dumped  for  18  year  old  fellow  sober  house  resident.  . 

[saxon747]

Just curious. My exBPD-gf, who I was engaged to, is now engaged two months after our split - complete with facebook tackyness with photos, relationship status, and all the rest.

Even her close friends are now starting to see she is crazy.

Three months for me but same identical thing as above! She has her new guy so under her spell! Anyone else see something like my and Abovebeyonds situation? Funny thing is she still tries to contact me every couple of weeks with some kind of random question such as a baseball stat to is her insurance at work any good? Just perplexing to say the least

[GreenMango]

It's horrendous to process the recent events...I get a little better than I get word from a friend that she's in a relationship, then engaged, now setting a date. Each event turns the knife a little more, but I'm getting better. I take a two steps back, then go 3 forward.

And yes, it does make you extremely critically in yourself. What is wrong with me? They devalue the crap out of you. Like, what did i do WRONG? And all of that stuff. Guilty of it.

I know she's got a mental illness...

Abovebeyond,

I felt the same way...It does hurt and definitely like that two steps back and three forward.  Those questions can really tear us down.  This isn't good especially if we've already dealt with a lot of emotional trauma in the relationship.

The last line in your quote is really important.  I know it's hard to accept, it took me a long time to accept it probably because I believed the person had the same kind of feelings I did.  I wanted so bad for him to have normal feelings, if there is such a thing.

It helped me to think of the situation from a different perspective.  What kind of relationship did I want?  Was this person able to give me that?  Looking at how the person is, as is, what "would" they do in the relationship?

Looking at my ex's behavior, I know he couldn't.  And most likely, I would be putting myself in a very sad marriage or a destructive parenting situation.  It doesn't totally take the sting out of it, but it helped me to see I'm better off without this person, even though I loved them.  I brainwashed myself with this mantra.

-GM

[abovebeyond]

GreenMango,

You're right. Even though I believe she has a mental illness it is hard to get that idea to sink in, ESPECIALLY when they are doing EVERYTHING in their power, after the break up, to convince EVERYONE (especially you) that they are doing GREAT and definitely do NOT  have a mental illness, in fact, many of their the actions are thrown out there to convince others that YOU maybe the one with the mental illness.

My ex being an undiagnosed BPD, makes it even harder to battle sometimes. But BPD is the only thing that makes sense of all her behavior.

Like many others, I've gone through so many rainbows of emotions, there have been times that I thought i MIGHT HAVE BPD.

But I don't leave people i love, and I did break up with an partner, I would do it in as civil a manner as possible.

[Nico18]

Yes my exgf with BPD traits who I was engaged to, got married two and half months after our split that_

[saxon747]

But we all know good and well that even though they have gotten married/engaged it's just a matter of time before the "ugly" side re-appears and it most definitely will!