Is there still hope?

[Think About It...]

I have been trying to keep things together with by uBPDw but I think it's too late.  After a blowup discussion about a month ago where I said 'do you only want to talk about divorce or do you want to talk about how we can possibly work things out going forward'.  She said she would do that only if there was someone else present and she suggested my Therapist. 

I scheduled the appointment, which she forgot about because she was over at our neighbor friends house drinking wine.  I rescheduled it two more times and she forgot about one and had a work conflict with the other.

Fast forward to the present, I believe she is now seeking out another attorney.  On Saturday I caught her emailing a video to a family friend of me sleeping in our bed.  I am now sleeping in the basement with a motion sensor alarm. 

The only way I can see going forward is to confront her with getting help with her uBPD.  I also know that I have to prepare for the worst but I still have some hope. 

 

[onboard]

I have been trying to keep things together with by uBPDw but I think it's too late.  After a blowup discussion about a month ago where I said 'do you only want to talk about divorce or do you want to talk about how we can possibly work things out going forward'.  She said she would do that only if there was someone else present and she suggested my Therapist. 

I scheduled the appointment, which she forgot about because she was over at our neighbor friends house drinking wine.  I rescheduled it two more times and she forgot about one and had a work conflict with the other.

Fast forward to the present, I believe she is now seeking out another attorney.  On Saturday I caught her emailing a video to a family friend of me sleeping in our bed.  I am now sleeping in the basement with a motion sensor alarm. 

The only way I can see going forward is to confront her with getting help with her uBPD.  I also know that I have to prepare for the worst but I still have some hope. 

 

[BelievenHope]

in my limited experience, you even saying the word divorce could be a huge trigger to her abandonment fears. They can say things about breaking up and divorce all day long, but you say the word and all of a sudden, they can't possibly push you away faster...so they can be the one to throw you away before you do it to them. She may be scared of the therapy because she doesn't want the therapist to agree that divorce may be a good idea. I could be wayyy off the mark here, I am NO expert. maybe try to have a conversation with her about what she wants in order to move forward and try to  reassure her that you want a good relationship with her. And yes, she can be confronted about getting help and that can be your boundary, but when you even say the word divorce I would be willing to bet that was the ONLY thing she heard once you said that word.
The video thing bothers me a lot because I have been taped in a previous relationship...it made me feel violated, angry, lied to and a little more angry not sure of advice there, I have no idea how to handle that...sorry.
Hope is a good thing, and I hope things get better for you

[onboard]

Thanks.  I was sparing you some of the details, she first brought up whether we should talk about divorce.

[BelievenHope]

That really doesn't surprize me, but it is still like I said, they can say that word all day long but you probably can not say that word without them pushing the panic button. It is certainly a challenge to be committed to staying and improving a relationship with a BPD partner, but one that can be handled with some level of success if we figure out what their triggers are and especially what their feelings are.

[Dynamic]

onboard,
I can relate to the divorce thing. Once (or even more than once) during an argument, my H said that he has had enough with me & that we should get a divorce. When I said ok fine, lets get a divorce, he pounced on me saying that I was waiting for him to say divorce so that I can find some other man to ran away with. Oh yes, pwBPD can say anything & get away with it. But when the SO says the same thing, it is a crime & they won't forgive for saying it. But now with more knowledge about BPD, I realize how futile it is to argue with pwBPD especially when they do not have the ability to control themselves.

[CodependentHusband]

I've never said it to my dBPDw because I've never wanted a divorce from her. I can see how this could cause an escalation though.

[Dynamic]

I was reacting angrily to him asking for divorce. I am the injured party here & if all anyone should ask for divorce, it should be me. But I said it even though I did not mean it. Off course, my H is not in a position to realize that & thought I was serious, so things would go downhill from there.

BTW, all those happened before I knew about H being a possible BPD. Never again would I go in that dangerous path. Now I am trying to learn how to cope & not get into circular arguments which achieves nothing but to drive both parties crazy. For all you know, one circular argument maybe the reason to start another circular argument. 

[LoveNotWar]

Why is she taking videos of you sleeping? Then sending them off to a friend? I wouldn't like that at all. I don't know if I'd be more upset because I'd feel violated or if I'd hate having someone see my bed head hair. You might laugh but I'm serious, my hair sticks up all over in the morning. 

I am sorry you are sleeping with a motion detector to be safe in your own home.

So the divorce thing. My BPDh doesn't see shades of grey. It's all one way or the other for him so when it's all good it's just all good. When he dysregulates, gets scared, wants to push away he doesnt reason through it. He doesnt see that r/s ebb and flow and if today isn't perfect tomorrow could be better so he just says " we're done". Plus his emotions are way over the top, where I'd experience mild anxiety he is in a full blown rage. Put those two things together and it's a recipe for yuck...

I used to freak out when he said we were done.  I believed him every time he said it. Now I don't get myself involved it that drama. I wait for it to blow over.

I think it is a pretty normal reaction for a non to think about divorce too. Especially before we understand what BPD is all about. If you don't undstand this it feels like our SO is being mean, controlling, manipulative, abusive etc.

I guess someday he may say we're done and mean it and I am getting pretty strong so if it comes to that I will deal with it.

[CodependentHusband]

I guess someday he may say we're done and mean it and I am getting pretty strong so if it comes to that I will deal with it.

Yep... I've thought about that as well. It is important to remember that their feelings are so real to them. It must be terrible to feel that unstable about your most important relationship with your SO. I think that my wife genuinely appreciates the stability. I'm starting to notice some overall level of comfort in the way she knows I view the relationship, even if she doesn;t see it exactly the same way. What a lot of hard work it is to get to this place, huh?

[LoveNotWar]

My h has said to me that no one has ever stuck by him and when the going got tough they left. Now knowing he is BPD I am sure there's more to THAT story but that's his perception.

I know he appreciates my perseverance even when the emotional committment is hard for him and he is pulling away. I think  he's  starting to trust that I am in for the long haul.

But again, tomorrow could bring a whole new vista. 

[BelievenHope]

Yes, LoveNotWar, my bppbf also says that no one has ever stuck by him with love when things got tough...and he also appreciates my unfailing unconditional love (doesn't understand how or why I love him but appreciates it). He is also starting to trust that I genuinely love him...sometimes he regresses but that is to be expected. And yes, tomorrow could bring a whole new vista for sure...

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