What did I do and How do I Fix it?

[Think About It...]

I like JustSaying's approach. Thanks for sharing. Yesterday, when I tried to leave the place when my H was getting all worked up, I told him that we can talk later when he calms down. He got more angry stating that I started a fight & now I am saying that he has to calm down. BTW, he as usual started the arguement for nothing. So I think it is a good idea to say that I have to go some place & we will talk later. It's best to leave after saying that. I am still learning, putting those lessons into practice & figuring out what will work for a particular situation.

And yes, I am also used to those countless circular arguements, at the end of which the actual problem would have been forgotten. Now I know better. I think I did well yesterday compared to previous times when I did not know that H was a possible BPD & was clueless of how to handle him. Going through those lessons & learning to know to respond during BPD's outbursts comes in real handy.

Another thing, it is hard as it is when talking to a BPD in person. I think even with non BPDs, it is easy to misunderstand by reading emails especially texts where the messages are exchanged in quick succession in the heat of the moment without time to edit typos or change the words to improve the tone. When it is suggested to nons to get away from arguements in person with BPD, I think it is a good idea to avoid texting (except for emergency or to communicate something short & quick)especially when pwBPD is in one of their crazy moods. My two cents. RRA, don't lose heart. You can never win these circular arguements with a BPD. Been there, done it. Not any more.

it's true that JustSaying's approach is interesting and may work but it didn't with my wife.  I tried to use it a couple of times in the past and she was even mader at me because it meant in her mind that my "petty" activities were more important than her and that I was always trying to find ways to fudge the issue or not to address what was bugging her in my ways, as she said.

As for texting, as she would often hang up on me, I would text her a kind and loving word, a short poem or else about 10 mn later and she would come back online or answer me in a calmer and kinder way. The success was not 100% guaranted but it worked quite often.

[flatspin]

I like JustSaying's approach. Thanks for sharing. Yesterday, when I tried to leave the place when my H was getting all worked up, I told him that we can talk later when he calms down. He got more angry stating that I started a fight & now I am saying that he has to calm down. BTW, he as usual started the arguement for nothing. So I think it is a good idea to say that I have to go some place & we will talk later. It's best to leave after saying that. I am still learning, putting those lessons into practice & figuring out what will work for a particular situation.

And yes, I am also used to those countless circular arguements, at the end of which the actual problem would have been forgotten. Now I know better. I think I did well yesterday compared to previous times when I did not know that H was a possible BPD & was clueless of how to handle him. Going through those lessons & learning to know to respond during BPD's outbursts comes in real handy.

Another thing, it is hard as it is when talking to a BPD in person. I think even with non BPDs, it is easy to misunderstand by reading emails especially texts where the messages are exchanged in quick succession in the heat of the moment without time to edit typos or change the words to improve the tone. When it is suggested to nons to get away from arguements in person with BPD, I think it is a good idea to avoid texting (except for emergency or to communicate something short & quick)especially when pwBPD is in one of their crazy moods. My two cents. RRA, don't lose heart. You can never win these circular arguements with a BPD. Been there, done it. Not any more.

it's true that JustSaying's approach is interesting and may work but it didn't with my wife.  I tried to use it a couple of times in the past and she was even mader at me because it meant in her mind that my "petty" activities were more important than her and that I was always trying to find ways to fudge the issue or not to address what was bugging her in my ways, as she said.

As for texting, as she would often hang up on me, I would text her a kind and loving word, a short poem or else about 10 mn later and she would come back online or answer me in a calmer and kinder way. The success was not 100% guaranted but it worked quite often.

[RedRightAnkle]

Oh my! A day away and I get a slew of replies! Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences with me. It helps me know that it shouldn't be the end of the world if I walk away when an argument gets too ridiculous.

We're still a bit tense. He's skipped school the last two days for no apparent reason and he just keeps getting snippy with me. Now I believe he's going to start giving me the silent treatment. *Sigh*

So, once I'm ready to talk, and I reach out to him, should I give him his space and let him contact me when he's ready? Or should I continue to reach out to him until he answers? I really hate the silent treatment, but maybe it's best if he has some time to himself. Any thoughts?

[GreenMango]

RRA

I'd give him space let him sit with his emotions.  If he tries to pick a fight VIA text, phone, or in person use the tools SET.

Can you do something else right now that's more pressing?

GM

[RedRightAnkle]

I do have other plans, but now I am in dire need of help. He started throwing expletives at me so I told him I would not participate in this conversation. This is what he sent me:

"Yeah. You're always so quick to avoidance and evasion. Whatever. Nobody f*cking cares anyway, i've always known this. It's only a matter of time before i die anyway so what the f*ck does it matter. Might as well just f*cking kill myself now. Good f*cking bye."

I'm freaking out. If I say nothing, he might actually do it; I don't know if it's worth calling the police. I'm terrified. Help!

[IAMVIRGO]

I have heard that from my SO before. Usually when he is so stressed about something. Maybe something doesn't go his way...or perhaps I trigger him in some way. I am still trying to figure it out. But I know it's not appropriate. It is, at times, challenging for me to be nice and compassionate during these times.

[JustSaying]

Does he have a history of suicide threats? Any attempts?

It's certainly an attempt to guilt and ensnare you. My X used similar language, and suicide ideation, but never made attempts. I ignored all of that because I wasn't going to have those tactics achieve their goal of getting my attention and involvement.

But you have to decide if it's a serious threat, which warrants action, or just a plea for attention. If it's a serious threat, then you have to let professionals handle it, not you, because they are trained and you are not.

What do you think?

[RedRightAnkle]

He has threatened COUNTLESS times, and I have always come rushing to him. The most he's done is cut himself, or punched something so hard he bleeds.

I'm sure it's a way to snare me; but if I don't respond, I feel like it will cement his idea that I don't care about him. He's the type of person you don't want to doubt though. He's done crazy stuff before.

I seem to be pulling him out of it...I'm distracting him with something, which means he couldn't have been all that serious...but geez I hate when he does this! Long distance with him is seriously a nightmare; I love him to death, but it's a nightmare.

[JustSaying]

He has threatened COUNTLESS times, and I have always come rushing to him.

So it works.

[GreenMango]

JustSaying pointed out something really important.  So his attempts aren't working and he's upped the ante.  This is an extinction burst.

Unfortunately now  he added the suicidal threats.  This is a good opportunity to set a boundary that this is unacceptable. Mine did this too...it starts to take on a life of its own.

The most loving thing you can do to show your care is to call 911.  He may he upset later but better safe than sorry.  And it establishes a boundary.

GM

[Peace4ME]

"Yeah. You're always so quick to avoidance and evasion. Whatever. Nobody f*cking cares anyway, i've always known this. It's only a matter of time before i die anyway so what the f*ck does it matter. Might as well just f*cking kill myself now. Good f*cking bye."

Heard that one many times. He always said I was running away, such an f*ing baby, can't handle adult relationships. Then, in the beginning when he started to see my boundaries and that I was unenmeshing the suicide threats came. But... after repeated action on my part I really don't get that anymore.
I would tell him that I am not going to participate in an abusive and disrespectful conversation, because it is not solving anything or helping either of us. Then just walk away. Most of the time they learn.

[LoveNotWar]

I know text or on line doesn't work for everyone but it really works for us.

I wonder if he's savvy enough not to put really nasty stuff in writing?  He does get snarky once in a while though.

This is a journey and patience is something i have to work on constantly.

So good I have so many folks to learn from on this site.

[RedRightAnkle]

So it works.

Sigh...yes. I should probably stop taking him so seriously...especially when I think deep down he doesn't really want to die. He's too much of a fighter...but it's irritating that he disrespects me enough to threaten that...which means he KNOWS I care about him deep down, because otherwise he wouldn't play that card and freak me out. It's so hurtful.

One of these days I do want to call 911. Hopefully I don't have to before I make it home for the summer...the suicide threats go away when I'm around him.

Has anyone here ever actually gone through with calling 911? I feel like it's the only way he would ever end up getting any kind of evaluation...he won't go in himself.

I know text or on line doesn't work for everyone but it really works for us.

I wonder if he's savvy enough not to put really nasty stuff in writing?  He does get snarky once in a while though.

This is a journey and patience is something i have to work on constantly.

So good I have so many folks to learn from on this site.

Texting is a nightmare for us usually. So is calling. Not once, NOT ONCE, have we hung up with a peaceful, "I love you, bye." He's either hung up on me or one of us falls asleep on the phone and the other one realizes this and hangs up.

Patience! Oh, patience. I'm such an impatient person, so this is certainly a good test on that! I agree...I'm so lucky I found this place. You all are definitely helpful, and it's also always comforting to see that other people have similar experiences; I need the validation, considering is he actually undiagnosed.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Save that text, go to the police station, show them the actual text and request them to do a wellness visit on him.

Every suicide threat should be taken seriously and having appropriate authorities intervene is absolutely the correct response.

What is NOT correct is:

a)  Trying to assess whether or not the suicide threat is real.

b)  Trying to handle it yourself...not because you don't want to, but because you are not a trained interventionist, a trained clinician.

c)  Not calling the appropriate experienced and trained interventionist because you are afraid of your action damaging the relationship.

d)  When you care, your actions should show that care...and contacting the appropriate authorities is the most caring and loving action.

e)  He should also know that each and every time and overt or direct threat of suicide attempt will get an immediate and appropriate response from you.

My heart goes out to you darling...so young, so naive, so innocent and such huge burdens to carry.  I am proud of you being here on this site.  We do care and we do understand.

God bless.

[JustSaying]

I should probably stop taking him so seriously

Maybe, maybe not. More so, explore boundaries...determining what you will and won't respond to, and what behaviors you will and won't engage in. Right now he says "Jump" and you jump. But he's disordered, so you're following the directions of a disordered person. That would be worthwhile to explore.

[Grey Kitty]

e)  He should also know that each and every time and overt or direct threat of suicide attempt will get an immediate and appropriate response from you.

If you are serious about this (and you should be!) you can give this early warning now--the next time he threatens suicide you will take it seriously and go straight to authorities who can help him.

But saying that if you don't think you will follow through isn't so good an idea, I guess.

Actually I like all of those suggestions. My wife has occasionally thought about suicide, but doesn't threaten it to me. She has hurt herself a few times...I have picked up my phone dialed 911 and told her that I was going to hit send unless she stopped immediately. So far I haven't called 911.

[desperate dutchman]

My experience with communicating with my uBPDw via text or phone is dicey... I imagine that in part she cannot see my face even though I place smileys ect it doesn't matter. How she feels at the moment of opening the text is correct (for her) and no amount of "I did not mean it that way" helps.  I have set a boundary that we do not talk about important subjects (because they are the ones that give her anxiety) on the phone or via text. Dont get me wrong trivial matters sometimes go off the rails and she can either answer a question about how she is feeling or I will disengage.

Happened just yesterday she was doing the finances (always anxiety provoking)and called me to ask how much gas I had in my tank (things are that tight) I misunderstood her question and she told me that I was being a pr*ck. It was heading off the tracks I told her that it was uncalled for and said I had to get back to work. By the time I got home she was fine. I find that I need to be vigilant in the small boundaries or it will escalate. Does anyone else have that experience?

[BelievenHope]

Extremely glad fort he discussion on circuar arguments here...my BPDbf was dysregulated and trying to have an argument with me because all the reasons he was raging had nothing to do with me but he couldn't go at the people who made him angry. I may have been tempted to keep responding but instead I simply said "I'm truly sorry that you seem to be having a bad day. I love you and I am at work...sorry". That was it until the next morning and things de-escalated a bit until the afternoon when he was calm enough to have a rational conversation and was able to tell me everything that had happened. We went to a park and walked and fished and he was out of angry mode.
As far as the suicide threats go...ALWAYS take them seriously. They may not always mean someone is going to attempt it, but we all know pwBPD have a very high rate of suicide. MY BPDbf threatened it and at the point I felt all wrong about the things he was saying, I knew I had to call 911. The police got to his house when he had just put his neck in a noose...had I not called, he would have died. Whether or not they intend on trying, suicide threats are very serious for a number of reasons and I agree with everything that has been posted here...we are not the authorities for suicide threats.

[BelievenHope]

And by the way, he HATED...and I mean HATED me for calling 911. He called me every name in the book. I didn't care, I knew he may never talk to me again, it didn't matter. I wanted him to live for him and for his boys. He thought I was satan himself, until the next day when he was sitting in a psychiatric ward with time to think about what I had stopped him from doing. Until he had time to realize I had saved him so he could be a father to his young boys. Then all he could do was cry and shake and he figured he had lost me with his awful words. He was so very thankful to be alive. And so very thankful that I hadn't abandoned him.
The down side to all this is that the psychiatric ward failed him...he was finally seen by a psychiatrist. The Dr came in and asked him if he had suicidal thoughts, he said no and they let him go home. So, the police saw the noose, sat right next to him as he texted the most horrible awful words to me and then they all just let him go home. I truly wish the professionals were all in it for the right reasons.